Living honestly

So I have been reviewing some of my old posts and back in August/September I talked a lot about changing paths, living for myself, focusing on my family and letting the negative people and things go.  In looking over these last seven months, I am happy that I have stuck to that plan even though it wasn't always easy.  I have reached out and made new friends and connections.  My life is no longer full of other people's drama and BS, instead I reserve my time for my own drama and BS :)  My marriage is great, my kids are great, I feel like we are all on the same page and heading in the right direction.  I feel good about myself and my choices, I feel no need to explain myself to others and I am especially happy to no longer allow others to cut me down under false pretenses.  Life is good, it is peaceful and it is positive.  Thankful every day for making those tough changes.

The Today Show made me drink

I saw on the Today Show that it is the parent' responsibility to teach their children how to drink responsibly.  Ryan and I really don't drink much, alcoholism runs in the family on both sides, so we of course worry about the kids having issues with drinking in the future.  So....we decided we just need to drink more, and I have to say, I am enjoying this "responsibility"  We bought some really cute glasses, they are the size of juice glasses so perfect for a smaller mixed drink.  I have fallen in love with sweet tea vodka mixed with lemon Italian soda, and I am planning to get some lemon syrup to add to our homemade seltzer and the vodka.  I have probably one or two drinks a week around dinner time and think the kids are going to learn how to not binge drink or drink to get drunk...plus the liquor is relaxing.  Now if only I could start to like wine more, for some reason I am not a huge fan.  Oh well, I will work on teaching the responsible way to drink Pina Coladas and Margarita's  come summer :)

How I spend my time off

As I said in an earlier post, we are supposed to be in Disney this week since I am on Spring Break, but stayed back because Gray had the stomach bug.  No one else got the vomits, but there were some other issues going around the house and it was a good call especially since the babies and I had fevers most of the weekend.


After our big adventurous outing yesterday to get the church pew, I was not planning to do a lot of running around today, but that got switched up.  Ryan had to get his car inspected and needed to go drop a paper off at his school, so the babies and I tagged along.  After we dropped the car and paper, we decided to head to the farm since we needed milk and had put the order on hold this week.  It was running close to lunch time and Teagan was getting grumpy and hungry so we decided Cracker Barrel was calling our name.  Oh how I love Cracker Barrel!  Teagan and I shared a big breakfast meal and Ry had a yummy burger and we were in and out super fast and back on the road where Teagie promptly passed out with a nice full belly.

After the farm run, I dropped Ryan off at Wegmans to go and get four things...FOUR...and almost forty minutes later he emerged with four BAGS.  That is the curse of Weggies, you go in for one thing and come out with bags and bags of stuff, good stuff.  We finally got home, I got diapers changed and fed Finn and started on a hearty dinner of chicken caccitore and polenta.  Kids came in, we did the crazy afterschool shenanigans, I worked, babies were played with and we ate dinner.  After dinner I had a treat planned for the kids.  We got a new ice cream maker a few days ago and I had the core all frozen and ready to go, so we got the ingredients out and mixed up some chocolate ice cream with white chocolate chips.  It was so good and the kids loved seeing it be made.  This is the solution to the HFCS in ice cream, we are just going to make our own with good milk and cream from the farm and fresh ingredients.  We can't wait until strawberry season to try our hands at strawberry ice cream.

Right now the kids are tucked in, the kitchen is cleaned up, well mostly cleaned up since I made some Irish soda bread that is baking and will be served for breakfast in the morning. I also packed the leftover chocolate ice cream up, washed the ice cream core and stashed it back in the freezer since I plan to make some special St. Patty's Day ice cream tomorrow for the kiddos.  Hopefully we will have some friends coming over to indulge with us...and if you are a local pal, feel free to come by around 6:30 after all the corned beef and shepards pie has been eaten.

I am starting my own church

OK, not really, but I did buy an awesome old church pew today.  It is from an African American church in  local historic town and is circa 1850, and it is so freakin awesome!  It is going in our bedroom once I finish rearranging furniture and will eventually get a seat pad and some fun pillows to make a long bench under the windows on the front of the house.  We also found a really cool dresser with a marble top from around the same era, but we were not totally in love with it so we are thinking it over.  Redoing our bedroom has been so much fun, I wish we had done it sooner.  Even though it isn't done yet, I am loving the results and love going upstairs to see everything we have been doing.  I still need to get a dresser, a new floor lamp, under bed storage boxes and curtains and then I think I will take a few pictures :)

After our outing today, Ryan dropped the babies and I off to wait for the big kids and he headed back to get the pew since it wouldn't fit in the car with the babies in the back.  While he was gone I went to switch laundry and found water dripping from the room above....the kid's bathroom that we are all using since mine is destroyed, ANYWAY, I got worried.  Thankfully it appears that the children flooded the bathroom last time they showered and it was leaking down.  After a lesson on how we avoid flooding the bathroom, Ryan and  examined the damage and decided we need to get a new vanity and floor in that bathroom.  So...I now need to get that into the schedule of "to-do's"  It is a never ending list when you have a home and kids!  Later this week I will book the playroom carpet installation, our bedroom is almost done, then we will get working on the outside and the kid's bathroom depending on weather.  At least there is a plan!

It may not be Disney....

but this was a pretty good weekend.

Yesterday we began the heavy cleaning and purging that will be taking place here for the next few months.  I had this corner of my living room where all my work stuff seemed to get dumped since I have no office and I finally went through and reorganized.  We also did some good cleaning of the main level and I began to gather stuff to go into the new storage unit I just reserved...hooray!

Today the whole crazy lot of us got in the car and went to Ikea, on a Sunday, all of us, and it was OK!  We got there later than planned since the whole time change thingy kind of screwed with us all, but we got there and went straight away to eat.  We got more food than we could eat for under 30 bucks which is why Ikea rocks, plus I had some wicked yummy broccoli souffle like thing and Swedish meatballs...tasty.  We traveled through ikea with only one major incidence of a kid needing to be yelled at, and a few minor "talking to's" but in the end we emerged triumphant and the kids even scored ice cream cones. 

I am redoing our bedroom...scratch that...I am FINALLY getting real furniture and decorating our bedroom so that it no longer resembles a dorm room.  I spend so much time up there in the evenings and at night when Ryan works that I want a nice, warm, comfortable space and for once have a little cash to spend on it.  Today I bought a new bed and a new quilt and a million odds and ends like candles and sheets.  I also have my eye on this chair in the Laxa blue cover...too cute!  Now I am on the hunt for some good sturdy dressers I can refinish, hopefully tomorrow I will go to a few local thrift shops and find something that works.  I cannot wait to have a cozy bedroom :)

Inside yourself

I had one of those moments today in the car, one of those innocent glimpses inside yourself when you just feel your own strength.  They are fleeting, and they remind me a bit of the exhilaration of a new love and a first kiss.  For me today it was simple moment.  I had a good day at home with the babies and I was happy all day that my husband was home tonight to lend a hand.  I made dinner and Ryan served it up as I walked out the door to run to the store.  I was alone, blissfully alone, and grabbed some coffee for myself and donuts for the kids for later, then ran through the grocery store.  On the ride home my mind wandered and I thought about the last year, the surprise of Finn, the changes in our family, the tears, the laughter and the joyful peace that came with people coming in as friends, and those we needed to leave behind as we moved on.  I felt it well up as a favorite song came on the radio, the peaceful yet strong feeling from my gut that told me I was strong and I was fortunate and I was loved beyond measure.  I felt such sweet inner peace, no questioning if I was a good wife and mother, no worry about bills or schedules, no concern over what any one else thought, I knew, at that moment, that I was OK with who I am. 

As a mom and wife I often feel a little lost.  I find myself trying to be the right thing, say the right thing, clean the right thing :)  It is exhausting to worry about everything all the time, and there is a strange sense of peace knowing that tomorrow will still come even of you make a mistake.  So I drove home to the kitchen that is still a wreck from dinner and while my big kids put away the groceries, Ryan held a sleeping baby and I put a tired little toddler to bed.  Now they are all helping clean up, and I will finish my blog post, go in and dole out donuts and be thankful for all I have.

See ya real soon Mickey

So, I can share that we were supposed to leave for Disney Friday.  We were set to drive down on Friday night and spend a week in Florida visiting the parks.  The kids were excited.  Ryan and I were excited.  Today we canceled the trip.


Well, technically we rescheduled the trip.  I had it all ready, new videos for the car ride, clothes laid out, we were set to go and then at 5 am Grayson started throwing up.  As a mom to five kids, that is a bad sign of things to come.  We live by the 72 hour rule of the stomach bug...usually the next kid goes down within 48-72 hours, which would put us in the car in the middle of the night on our way to Florida.  He was sick for awhile, so our concern was one kid might get sick on the way down, then another the next day, another the next, etc.  I can't think of anything that would be worse for a kid then being IN Orlando and right outside Disney and not be able to go to the parks.  Ryan and I had to make a decision, and we went with postponing the trip.  We are now set to go in October, and as a bonus my parents said they will also book and will come down to go with us and help. I am currently working on convincing my sister to come with her family, but they are probably not going to be able to come, but I will keep asking...daily :)  We have a trip planned for June with the my parents and sister and our extended family to a cousin's graduation, and I am booking a trip to Great Wolf Lodge in the next two weeks to help the kids deal with missing Disney.  They are sad, I am sad, but I am happy we can book in October, that my parents can come and that we are sneaking in a Great Wolf Lodge trip too...it could be worse.

Shameless promotion

OK, so being "that" mom here....BUT please vote for Teagie here
She is such a cute little witch!

Oh....and vote everyday pretty please!

Quiet

Not much to say lately, work is busy, kids are busy, house is busy, it is the same old same old around here which means we just fall into the groove and live.  Still tired, but got a relatively down day today.  Made a big Greek feast with Haven, then didn't get to eat since I am not feeling so hot.  Did some grading, laid in bed some, basically tried for a quiet day. 

We did have a family adventure yesterday.  The whole crew went to the local RV show and it was really fun.  Kids loved seeing, and climbing in, all the different types of RVs and campers.  Ryan and I looked at a few that we are really considering for next summer, including one super cool one that had a loft!  We would have bought the loft one on the spot since it was perfect for our family and a good price, except my truck couldn't quite pull it :(  I am pretty sure I know what we are getting next year and we are all excited to be able to travel around with the camper.  Financially we could have pulled it off this year, but our vacations are already planned and none were camping trips, so it really isn't needed until next year and I didn't want to buy it and then have it sit there for a year. After the RV show,  we capped off the night with a dinner out.  Kids were so well behaved, even Teagan who was up way past bedtime, and sweet Finn gave his tired mama a break and slept through the whole meal, it was great.

So, quiet here but a good kind of quiet.

In spades

When people ask why we wanted a larger family, it can be so hard to explain.  We clarify it isn't for religious reasons, nor are we a mixed family through remarriage, it isn't because we don't know "how it happens" and we aren't stupid or uneducated.  We have a large family because.....well, because we just do!  Did we plan on five kids, no.  Are we thrilled to have them all, YES!  I will fully admit that many days are long and hard, that it can be exhausting especially with both parents working, and good sleep is hard to come by.  Financially you need to be frugal and smart, we live in a world where a stocked pantry, fridge, freezer, OTHER fridge and OTHER freezer is a necessity and still we somehow run out of things.  The house gets messy in mere moments if everyone is home, and the volume level can rise in seconds if everyone is wound up and playing.  It is worth it to us, the hard days, the long nights, the crazy schedules, because it is paid back to us in spades.  I get more "I love yous" a day from my brood, kisses all day long, huge smiles when I walk in the room and long, tight hugs around my neck. 

I am so happy with our family, I couldn't have picked a better group of people to call my own, and someday we hope to add to our group.  Ryan and I want to move the family and when we do we want a home that not only fits our current family, but one that will fit our family of the future.  We are seriously looking into adopting a child from Eastern Europe that has some medical issues.  We hope that we can do this when Finn is around 3 or 4 and that the child we adopt will be around the same ages as Teagan and Finn as we believe this will help the child develop, being surrounded by healthy normally developing children of similar ages.  At present we expect the child will have Down Syndrome as we know they are at greatest risk of being institutionalized and we feel very comfortable with the idea of dealing with some of the associated health concerns which include cardiac issues and seizure disorders.  Did I ever think we would consider adopting an at risk child from another country?  No, not until I was pregnant with Finn and realized what a gift we had in our ability to have and raise our kids, and that we would be able to take a child destined to live and die young in an institution and provide a better life.  I feel secure that that child would be loved and cared for by our whole family, and that one of his/her siblings would step in and provide care when we were no longer alive or able to if needed.  I love our big loud family, and I cannot wait to see how we change and grow over the next few years,

I am avoiding the beast

I am going to blog instead of write my dissertation.  As of right now, I have bout 4 more pages plus the citation to do and Chapter 2 will be on its way for review.  I think it is a good sign that I am seeing the same names show up in the articles I am reviewing, it makes me feel like I am on the right track.  I have begun to call it the Beast, kind of like the character from Beauty and the Beast, kinda mean and dark, but with a good side, that is what I think about the dissertation.  It is lovable in a mean and nasty kind of way :)

Had a nice morning, went and grabbed girl scout cookies and had a nice chat.  Love me some girl scout cookies, so i have stashed them away and will use them as rewards for tackling the beast.  After getting the cookies, I headed to meet a friend for a pedicure.  SO worth it!  Now I have pretty toes and a stash of cookies, wheeeee.

Right now Ryan and Teagan are on their way to the farm, I am finishing my lunch and will complete the section of the paper I am working on right now.  I think after I do that, I will go back and do all my citations so all I have left is the final section which I will work on after dinner.  Very very tired and I have a stack of stuff to grade, but once this chapter is sent off I will dedicate the end of the week to catching up on everything else. OK, back to taming the beast.

watching our future hurtle towards us

Ryan and I have been wanting to move, for years.  Review this blog and it is mentioned time and again, but with the housing market, babies being born, jobs, etc. it just hasn't happened yet.  Now we are getting close, so close that I can feel it.  We were thinking it would be about two years from now, so around summer 2013, possibly even summer 2014 depending on the housing market and our jobs, but that may change.  Things are going well here, the debt is being paid off quicker than we expected which was something we wanted before we moved.  The housing market still stinks, but there is a potential for upswing soon as a local military base gets a huge influx of people in September. The hubs is actively looking for new jobs, and one came up today that may be perfect and is within his company...he is applying and I am hoping it is a good fit.  If Ryan gets a job making more money and at the other location we want here in VA, we may be able to move as early as next summer (2012).  Our goal this summer is to purge and complete any projects we have around the house.  We may not be able to sell next summer, but we should be able to rent out our house and we have found houses in the area we want to move to that are super cheap and have the land we want.  They are smaller than we need, but we plan to expand the house or simply build a new one  on the lot anyway, so we can make due for a few months if need be.  I see our dream becoming a reality and we are getting excited!  Hoping to make a trip up to see my sister soon and do a few drive bys of some potential areas we are interested in...I cannot believe we are so close!

very.very.tired

If I don't get a really good nights sleep tonight I may just got insane, like seriously insane.  I can do almost everything in my life when exhausted, I can take care of kids, keep up with the house and do my job(s) but what I cannot do is concentrate on ridiculously boring articles in industry journals that I need to use to complete my lit review aka Chapter 2 of my dissertation.  I simply cannot process the information let alone write anything based on the studies I am trying to read. 

I had plans, big plans, to have this done and sent off by Sunday.  I have my sitter coming tomorrow and my goal for when she is here was to do a final review, edit everything and be done...except the whole second half of the chapter is not done. *sigh*

I didn't sleep well last night, in fact I haven't slept well since Finn was 5 weeks old, before Ryan hurt his foot and my help disappeared.  An hour nap once a week is not making up for the missing 5 hours of sleep each night and it is taking its toll on my writing.  Add to that that Ryan worked an OT shift last week which was supposed to be the short week and he is also working an OT shift this week making our long week extra long.  This also mean that I have no help until Tuesday, and I am not feeling it.  I planned to get my work done this morning, nap when Teagan did and then write in the evening but the hubby decided today was the perfect day to sell his car which means he didn't sleep, my schedule for the day got screwed since I had to go get a replacement title (car was in my name) and the nap never happened.  Ugh, I am done with today.  I somehow managed to write a few more pages, and will force myself to finish one more section tonight and review a book I need for the next section.  I will also accept that I cannot get it done by Sunday and that Tuesday night will just have to be good enough...thankfully my committee isn't putting the pressure on me.

I am rocking today!

I have been super productive today.  Got the big girls off to their before school activity, came home with the other three and got some work work done, then drove back to school to drop Gray off.  Got in touch with DMV since we are selling a car and had a question, finished all my work work, vacuumed, switched laundry, put some clothes away, did the dishes, made some sweet dinner rolls that are on their second rise, washed, peeled and cut the sweet potatoes for dinner tonight and cooked up some bacon (we are having bacon cheeseburger mini muffin meatloafs-kids LOVE them).  Teagan is napping and I am about to write some more of the dissertation while also eating lunch.  Tonight Haven has dance so I will bathe Teagie and Finn before dinner and also send Gray and Britt through showers, Haven will shower when we get home.  I have been trying to do the Wii Fit three times a week for a half hour, I did it yesterday but will jump on tonight if I have time.  I wish every day I could feel this accomplished :)

Writers Block

I am struggling with writing my dissertation and I am not sure why.  I love my topic, I am passionate about it and I am anxious to get to the stage where I get to gather actual data. My prospectus is approved, my first chapter is completed and approved.  Right now I am knee deep in Chapter 2, my literature review, and I anticipate it being about 25 pages when completed.  Twenty-five pages is nothing for me to write, I have written longer papers in a weekend, but for some reason I am struggling.  Right now I am almost done with the first half, and I need to finish the entire chapter by the end of the week to submit to my chair for review.  I know I am 1/5 of the way there with Chapter 1 done, and once I send off Chapter 2 there will be edits and changes, but for the most part I will quickly be approaching 2/5 of the way, but still I sit here and blog and not write.  Ugh.

True self

Do you ever feel lost, like you forgot who you were?  I think for mother's this can be a problem as we constantly have to do for everyone else.  We need to nurture, love and care for our kids, and we need to help our husband, support him, love him and be his friend.  All too often we forget to care for ourselves and become the things we do for our families.  Now, we love our families I know, and we want to do for them, but I sometimes see me slipping away to be what they need and expect.  It is always hardest for me after  new baby is born, I am their sole caregiver, I am their source of nutrition, they sleep with me, and I am with them constantly with the exception of when I go to PT gig twice a week.  I get lost in that role, and it can cause me stress because sometimes I need what makes me happy, what soothes me, what makes me feel like my true self.  I really believe it is important for moms to be authentic and true to themselves, but I struggle sometimes to do that and it can be an internal battle.

Today my husband made me a CD of a band I love and he loaded the songs on my laptop.  I forgot how much I need music after having a baby, how I love to put it on in the afternoons and dance with my babies and feel like myself again.. On my way in to PT school, I listened to that CD and I sang loud and long, and I felt reconnected to my true self.  I am stopping caring what others think. I am learning to breathe deep.  I am loving the gift of every day. I am singing loud again.

I want...

So, all day long people tell me what they want so I decided to list what I want.

I want:
to sleep until I wake up, in a dark room, ALONE

I want to go out to a fancy restaurant with my husband and enjoy a leisurely meal without feeling like we need to rush home for some reason

I want to move to a place where all I see is gorgeous nature outside my window and where I can grow tons of fruit and veg and have farm animals

I want to have only one job, and be done with school

I want my kids to speak kindly to each other and not yell

I want a whole day off to lounge in bed, watch movies and eat junk food...and then not have to deal with the aftermath

I want to see the joy in every day, even on the hard days

I want my kids to be happy, to have good days and big dreams, and to be healthy and well both physically and emotionally

I want to go to sleep...OK this one I can do right now, NIGHT!

Emotional Smackdown

Anyone who has a kid with any kind of issue spends their life watching and waiting.  You second guess choices you made, you analyze your child and watch how they act, talk, behave, etc.  It is an exhausting process and often frightening as you watch your child grow and you try to adapt. 

For us, our journey into the grand unknown started early with Haven, when she was only two days old.  That was the day the pediatrician came in and told us that her heart sounded funny and we were being released to head straight to the cardiologist.  While still reeling from her cardiac diagnosis, we found that she had severe reflux.  A year went by and she never outgrew the reflux and we took many trips to the gastroenterologist to determine the issues with her stomach.  She was anemic.  She wasn't gaining weight.  She never crawled but walked at 9 months and spoke in full sentences around the same time.  She was a precocious speaker early on, we found it cute.  At 18 months she reacted to a cake with almonds in it, we stopped all nuts but continued to feed her stone fruits not knowing any better.  At age five we took her to the allergist where she went into shock during her skin test and I stood there and watched her vomiting and losing her breath, walking way too close to death before my eyes.  We learned what not to feed her, took a deep breath and sent her to kindergarten so she could grow and learn.  But she didn't learn.  She struggled to read.  She struggled to write.  By the summer before third grade she had become so internalized and behaved so strangely that we thought she had a brain tumor, but the neurologist discovered she had epilepsy.  We started meds and she seemed better, she was learning and functioning but struggled to process the vast amount of information she was now receiving, so we began meds for ADHD.  She was better, she began to excel in school, she caught up and passed grade level in many subjects and still struggled in others, but still problems remained, different problems. 

We know, deep down inside, that there is something more going on.  Haven knows too since she tells us how she feels and what she sees going on around her.  We had hoped that these quirks were leftover from the years of seizures, in fact I still hold onto that hope, but I also know that every time I suspected something, I was right, and this is one time I don't want to be right.  So we begin again, we make the calls and we document everything and we start on a brand new path, because our goal has never changed.  When we are done raising her and send her into the world, she will be a respectable and responsible adult, she will be able to provide and care for herself and she will have people in her life that love and care for her and that she loves and cares for.  We will make it.

Unapproved experimentation

I believe I fell prey to one of the Devil's pre-launch tests of a new level of hell, this one designed for heathens of a mothering persuasion.  I know that it was the big D's work because of the way everything fell into place to lead me into the experiment, I am on to him.

First there was a ridiculous deal on 5 lb bags of organic potatoes at Quail Cove, so I of course bought two.  Note that my husband does not eat white potatoes, so that puts 10 lbs of potatoes on me and the kids, hmmm.  Then today I decided to make a dent in those potatoes and make gnocchi.  I believe this happened as a result of the truly awesome day I had with the babies yesterday and my judgment was obviously clouded by those events.  Then I decided to only boil the potatoes while the babies napped and thought I could put Finn in his swing and have Teagan stay in baby jail while I made the gnocchi, after nap, while in charge of the babies, with no one else here as backup.

Gnocchi, for those who have never made it or eaten it, is a potato based pasta.  It is simple to make the dough, but it is the stickiest substance on earth..seriously.  In addition, there are a bunch of steps needed to make gnocchi, boil potatoes, whip potatoes in mixer, add flour, eggs and seasoning and then roll dough into snakes and cut into small pieces that you that you then roll off the back of a fork to create ridges, in each and every one. It is also a mess maker, the gnocchi maker and the kitchen will be covered in flour and dough, it is inevitable.

I have made gnocchi a bunch of times before, however never enough to feed six people and never while alone with an 18 month old and 2 month old in my care.  Let's just say there was immense crying and whining while I made the million teeny tiny gnocchi and placed them on racks in the kitchen to be cooked later.  I had to create new and different ways to put Finn's pacifier back in his mouth without touching it with my hands or any part of my arm up to my elbows, I sing songed to Teagan the entire time as she stood staring at me and wailing, and put her back in baby jail three times after she escaped without touching her with my hands -did I mention she is in a fancy tutu outfit that she wanted to wear and that is brand new and WHITE?!

So, you got me Mr. Satan, I fell for your test run and must say, it was very hellish and an excellent form of torture for any bad mama, nice work!  Thankfully, I don't plan on spending any time in your area of town, so this should be the last time I have that experience. 

Along for the ride

Life is a rollercoaster.  When Ryan and I got married and had Haven, I never would have thought that 11 years later this is where we would be.  I knew we would have more children, I just didn't think we would still be having them this far into marriage...but I am so glad we did.  I love my days alone with the babies, and though sometimes they can be hard when they are extra whiny or sick, I really enjoy the opportunity to have the baby days back and to see the world through their eyes. 

This morning after the big kids left, Teagan "helped" me clean up.  She took some of the plastic plates out of the dishwasher and put them in a cabinet...the wrong cabinet, but that is OK, she was "helping" and learning about where things go. She also "helped" vacuum, she likes holding the wand while I vacuum the perimeter of the room and she helps pick up shoes, and move them around the house.  It is so much fun to see her learning and exploring, and she is such a sweet girl always kissing and hugging on everyone, I cannot imagine our family without our little Teagie.

Finn has slept the morning away which was great since I got some one on one with Teagie and got all my chores done for the day except the laundry that I will tackle while Teagan naps.  Dinner is even in the crockpot, white bean chicken chili, so that I can help Haven finish a project after school before we need to leave for dance.  The sun is shining, the weather is warm, and the babies and I will take a walk after nap if we have time before the big kids get home.

Not all days are smooth like today has been, in fact many are hard and long, but regardless it is my life, my rollarcoaster and I am hanging on and enjoying the ride.

Right now

I am holding the sweetest little baby boy, all warm and sleepy.  I am tired and the day was long, but right now everything is just perfect.

Still kicking

It has just been so busy here lately that the old blog has been suffering. 

Let's see, last weekend Saturday was super awesome, kids behaved for the most part and Teagan FINALLY seemed well and back to her happy little self.  Then Sunday morning she was super clingy and crying and whining all morning.  Ryan came home and was about to head to bed when it happened.....she exploded poo everywhere.  Seriously,  this was Hazmat worthy.  If you are a parent you have had this moment when something like this happens and you are frozen for a second as you wrack your brain trying to figure out:
1. Is there any way to deal with this and not get covered in the yuck?
2. Are you really the one responsible for dealing with the situation?
3. WHY did no one warn you this could happen!?
4. HELP!!!!

So, I then yelled for backup :) We got her cleaned up and then Sunday went to hell in a poop colored handbasket.  Basically Teagan exploded a number of times and much laundry was done....in between she got a fever and cried, a lot.  The worst part about this was that Ryan and I had a date night scheduled for that evening and for the second time in a row we needed to cancel our date night to the same restaurant :( 

Once the cancellation decision was made, I manned up, put on clothes and took Finn out to get the last of the V-Day stuff for the kids at Target, plus a quick grocery store run.  Then came home and Ryan and I decided to order in from the Italian place we wanted to try...it was tasty enough, but they did a crap job of packing it and sauce got everywhere, and the salads were super expensive and not worth it.  *sigh*

Otherwise we are moving along.  Life has been good to us, financially we are in a good place and I feel comfortable with our future plans.  I feel like I have my footing with work and the kids and the house, however finding time to work on my dissertation has become a major issue.  I have completed Chapter 1 and it is approved and I am working on Chapter 2, but finding a span of a few hours to write is near impossible, so I have decided to hire our sitter to come extra hours each week.  I am hoping to have her Friday and Saturday afternoons to juggle the kids while I sneak into the living room to write for a few hours.  Thankfully my sitter is more than happy to come and hang with the kids, and I know they will have a blast and I can put my focus on writing.  It is a much needed arrangement and I am happy we have someone who loves our kids and who I can trust to stand in for me.  I must admit that I will be very happy when my dissertation is done.

Cooking dinner at noon

Anyone with kids knows the challenge of getting a healthy and home cooked dinner on the table.  If you have babies they are fussy around 3-5 pm, big kids are just getting home from school and working on homework, lots of kids have activities, husbands are usually not home from work during dinner prep or in my case, he is still sleeping after working the night before or getting ready to go to work. It is hard to get dinner made, and for it to be something everyone likes and that is healthy, well that takes some planning. In our house I have an extra challenge to have the food made in time for Ryan to take some with him when he leaves for work, which is around 5:30.

In this house, I have two kinds of dinners I make.  The first are ones that can be made in about 15-20 minutes from start to finish.  These dinners get started when the big kids get home from school since one of them can usually sit in with the babies to make sure Teagan doesn't attack Finn :)  Last night I made one of these meals.  We had mango coconut tilapia, basmati rice and salad.  The fish was easy since I put it in a baking dish and put the coconut mango sauce I grabbed at Wegman's over the top and threw it in a hot oven for 20 minutes.  The rice is equally easy, washed it and put it on the stove for 15 minutes and made the salad while everything cooked.  Other quick meals are tacos, most pasta dishes, breakfast for dinner meals, and anything grilled.  Sometimes the sides for these meals take longer, so I will prep those earlier in the day if I can.

The other type of meal I make are the ones that I can start around noon when Teagan goes up for her nap.  These are things like soups and stews, chili, roasts, etc.  Today I am making a pot roast with a twist. I browned up a nice chuck roast this morning and removed it from the pan.  Then I added some onions, parsnips and carrots and cooked until soft, added some good red wine and beef stock and added the beef back in.  This will cook slowly all day and I will end up with a super tender beef roast and a thick, delicious gravy.   While Teagan napped today, I made some cornbread that I baked in my iron skillet and peeled and cubed potatoes that I now have sitting in cold water.  When Teagan gets up, dinner will be essentially made with the exception of turning on the potatoes and mashing them when cooked, and I will be able to concentrate on playing with her and Finn, working and helping the big kids with homework when they get home.

Making meals takes up a large part of my day, between the prep, clean up and dishes the meals all run into one another.  I am hoping to teach Haven and Brittan a few meals this summer so they can begin to cook once a month, it is good practice for them and will be a huge help for me.  i am curious when other parents teach their kids to cook, what do they show them first? 

I Love Ebates

OK, I know I have said this before, but i really love Ebates.  Last week I ordered some stuff for an upcoming trip from Old Navy, it cost me just about 50 bucks and I got free shipping...I also got 10 dollars back through Ebates.  Seriously.  TEN dollars because I went to the Ebates website first, click on Old Navy and then went about my business.  Whenever I am about to buy something online I always go to Ebates first to see if the company participates.  I just added up all the checks I received in 2010 (you get four a year) and it was just under 90 dollars, that is a lot of cash!  I am expecting another check in a few days, for just under 30 bucks from Christmas shopping.

So, if you don't already have an account, I suggest you go get one!  If you want to be extra sweet to me for sharing with you, please use this link

http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?referrerid=q1oG69t0AQbdpee0ji3Vog%3D%3D  I will get credit for the referral.

Happy shopping!

Why hello there!

We have had a number of random illnesses running through the house and it has been exhausting.  Brittan and Teagan are still fighting off their cough/nose/ear/lung junk, are finishing their respective antibiotics soon and have a lung check Friday.  Haven has a similar virus and something else that caused us to have to pick her up early on Monday and she then came home and slept for hours!  Gray had a vomit thing early Sunday morning but was a-ok by mid-morning, last night he refused dinner and then today woke up, looked AWFUL said his body hurt and asked to stay home.  His temp was weirdly low, only around 96 and he then went to bed and slept for a number of hours, this afternoon he was eating and feeling fine!  I am done with the sickies and hope they get them out of their system before our upcoming Disney trip.

Anyway, in other news things here are good, really good.  I feel like we are moving right along with the house stuff, and even though it takes way longer than I want, the projects are getting done.  Ryan and I plan to start going room to room this summer, cleaning, purging and packing...yep PACKING!  It looks like we will be set to move in about 2 years, and it will take us that long to get everything together, so for now, anything we want to keep but don't need access to regularly is being packed and put in storage.  Decluttering will really help us get things as we get closer to making the move.

As always, I am incredibly thankful that we have been able to provide for and care for our family and only hope that we will be able to continue to do so.  Love my family, love, love, love them!

The truth

Tired and a touch overwhelmed today with a load of grateful thrown in. Here are some of my truths:

1. Tired of sick kids and coughing and vomit and nasty dipes, it can make a long day last forever.
2. We don't do football, not our thing, and I am happy about it since we would have had to cancel any plans we might have had.
3. I am not superwoman, nowhere near it.  I do what needs to be done because I am the mommy and the little people depend on me.  Purely human, with good days and bad.
4. I am tired of school.  I am tired of writing.  I want to be done with my dissertation, I never planned to have two babies while trying to navigate this process and it can be a bit much some days but I will finish because I committed to it.
5. If I could go back to 25 year old me I would make myself create the marriage I have now. I am still kicking myself for so many stupid choices made early on before I knew just how good it could be if you work for it.
6.  I am proud of my kids. I think they are good people, and while they make mistakes, we work hard to teach them to learn from them.  Afterall, isn't the point of being a kid to learn and grow?  How can you do that without making mistakes?
7. My internal dialogue never turns off, it runs all day long and through many nights.  It is the only way I stay on top of everything and semi-sane.
8. I never knew how much one toxic person could affect all aspects of your life.  Remove the toxicity and so many doors and windows fly open and your world floods with sunshine and good people.
9.  Thankful every day that we are able to support our kids and live a good life.  Very, very thankful.
10. Shocked that I have both a two month old and a kid heading to middle school next year, it goes so very fast and changes on a dime.
11.  Think that some of the best things in life come as surprises.
12. Loving the new (and old) people in my life and re-prioritizing to make time for friends and family.
13. Wishes adults would follow the same rules as kindergarteners: be kind, be truthful, don't call people names, keep your hands to yourself and treat others as you want to be treated.
14.  I could give a damn about anything tonight except I hope the kids sleep and no one else gets sick.

Turbo Tax Update

First-how funny that Google Ads keeps placing a Turbo Tax ad below my other post :)

So, I know you have been waiting with baited breath to find out what happened with Turbo Tax and the option to e-file my state return as well as my new friend Ramona the drunk 13 year old.

I emailed the transcript of the conversation with Ramona to Customer Service and I haven't heard back.  I did however get a survey in my email...going to have to fill that in ASAP.

I had also posted a question on the "Live Community" since all other questions that related to these forms were not answered, mine wasn't either :(

So I resigned myself to the fact that I would just mail the return today when I took Gray to a birthday party.  Got up at my usual crack of dawn with the criers and logged on to see if the forms were available.  Lo and behold they were and so was the option to E-FILE.  Taxes have been e-filed with the State of Virginia and waiting for the Fed to start accepting returns on the 14th. Seriously, two days ago NO ONE knew that there would be an option to e-file?  Turbo Tax is a mess.

Turbo Tax likes them young

employees that is.  After the "support" chat I had tonight, all I can guess is that the "13" in 13 Ramona's handle is to identify her age, or maybe the number of drinks she had before she logged on.

I was doing our taxes and there were two forms that came up that had notes that they would be available to print on 2/5 and "cannot efile" under efile.  I wanted to know if the efile option was going to become available at some point as well, or if I needed to suck it up and mail the return.  This is the transcript from my "support" chat that I waited over 45 minutes for.....I wanted to ask "Ramona" why she hated her job so much and suggest she find a new vocation since customer service is not her forte.


13_Ramona B: Hello Rebecca, thank you for contacting TurboTax, please allow me a moment to read your question?
Rebecca Kelley: sure
13_Ramona B: when did you last update?
Rebecca Kelley: i checked today i use turbo tax online
13_Ramona B: did you itemize or have charity ded or education tax credits?
Rebecca Kelley: i itemized and have charity and education deductions yes
13_Ramona B: so the fed won't accept those forms until feb14 that is probably holding up the state as well
Rebecca Kelley: it says that the form will be available to mail 2/5
Rebecca Kelley: and not available under efile
Rebecca Kelley: will it become available to efile or will i have to mail my VA return?
The agent is sending you to http://2/5 is Friday I would try it then.
Rebecca Kelley: no 2/5 is saturday
13_Ramona B: sorry am a day off
Rebecca Kelley: and it only says it is available to mail then
13_Ramona B: you have the best information right there
Rebecca Kelley: i need to know if i am going to need to efile or if i have to mail
13_Ramona B: whatever it will let you do
Rebecca Kelley: it says "cannot e-file"
Rebecca Kelley: that is what I am asking
Rebecca Kelley: will it be available to efile at some point?
Rebecca Kelley: or not?
13_Ramona B: i really dont know about that
Rebecca Kelley: and why not, what are these forms?
13_Ramona B: some forms are involved in the late legislation
Rebecca Kelley: well that is what i sat here for 45 minutes to find out, i paid for state to be efiled and could have done paper already for free
13_Ramona B: where the gov isn't ready to work on them yet
Rebecca Kelley: that is federal taxes, this is state
Rebecca Kelley: this is Virginia state taxes
13_Ramona B: they are linked with info

Rebecca Kelley: Form Available to File by Mail Available to E-file
Virginia Individual Forms

FDC Wks 02/05/2011 Cannot e-file

Fed/State Adj 02/05/2011 Cannot e-file
Rebecca Kelley: this is what it says
Rebecca Kelley: so will it be available or not to efile?
13_Ramona B: if you can't efile, we can help you get a refund for any money you paid
Rebecca Kelley: but i need to know if i can or not!
Rebecca Kelley: on saturday do i need to print and mail?
13_Ramona B: i would do what it says
Rebecca Kelley: or will an efile option become available?
Rebecca Kelley: it doesn't say anything
Rebecca Kelley: it says the mailed forms will be availble 2/5
Rebecca Kelley: and that "cannot efile"
13_Ramona B: you will see if its there, havent heard of any similar issues
Rebecca Kelley: is that permanent?
Rebecca Kelley: see if what is there?
13_Ramona B: the option to efile
Rebecca Kelley: when?
Rebecca Kelley: it says "cannot efile"
Rebecca Kelley: with the forms
Rebecca Kelley: so will that change?
13_Ramona B: i don't know
Rebecca Kelley: or will i need to mail?
13_Ramona B: Rebecca is there anything else I may assist you with today?
Rebecca Kelley: i need someone to tell me if i have to mail or if i can efile my state return at some point
Rebecca Kelley: you have not done that
13_Ramona B: your software is the best judge, every state is different
Rebecca Kelley: you told me you don't know and to wait and see, that is not an answer because how long will i need to wait to see if an efile option becomes available or not?
Rebecca Kelley: my software is not telling me IF an option to efile will become available!
Rebecca Kelley: it is your program
Rebecca Kelley: if i am not going to be able to efile those forms, i need to know
Rebecca Kelley: that is a pretty basic question
13_Ramona B: i would say no
Rebecca Kelley: no it will not become available?
13_Ramona B: don't know
Rebecca Kelley: seriously?
13_Ramona B: seriously
Rebecca Kelley: please tell me you can find someone who can actually answer my question
Rebecca Kelley: based on information relating to the product
The agent is sending you to http://turbotax.intuit.com/support/iq/State-Form-Availability/2010-State-Forms-for-Personal-Tax-Returns/GEN12011.html?mode=detail&formsetid=S2010ZVA&family=PerState&state=Virginia.
The agent is sending you to http://turbotax.intuit.com/support/iq/State-Form-Availability/2010-State-Forms-for-Personal-Tax-Returns/GEN12011.html?mode=detail&formsetid=S2010ZVA&family=PerState&state=Virginia.
13_Ramona B: take a look at this article
Rebecca Kelley: that still doesn't say of it will be available for efile
13_Ramona B: thats why your software usually is the best resource
Rebecca Kelley: what software?
13_Ramona B: yours
Rebecca Kelley: i use online and it doesn't say anything about IF it will be available to efile
Rebecca Kelley: again...online version
13_Ramona B: you copied the information in the above text from your online acct
Rebecca Kelley: yes

13_Ramona B: ebecca Kelley: Form Available to File by Mail Available to E-file
Virginia Individual Forms

FDC Wks 02/05/2011 Cannot e-file

Fed/State Adj 02/05/2011 Cannot e-file
Rebecca Kelley: yes, from my screen on my computer where I did my taxes on TurboTax online
Rebecca Kelley: that is what is says in my state section
13_Ramona B: so go with it
Rebecca Kelley: go with what?
13_Ramona B: the latest info from your online software
Rebecca Kelley: which does not tell me if i will be able to efile which is why i am sitting here
13_Ramona B: apparently not
Rebecca Kelley: you have not been helpful
13_Ramona B: thats all i know
13_Ramona B: Rebecca is there anything else I may assist you with today?
13_Ramona B: I am not showing a response for the last three minutes. If you transmitted and I have not replied, please resubmit your text. If I do not show a response within the next two minutes, I will close this chat session.
Rebecca Kelley: i would like a real answer
Rebecca Kelley: or an email for customer service
13_Ramona B: ask in another chat please

I need a Hazmat suit

Ever have one of those phone conversations or emails where right after you feel the need to take a very hot shower because you are afraid that some of the utter bullshit and insanity the other person spewed may have flown off and gotten on you  Yeah, me neither.

Anyway....we had another busy morning.  I had changed Finn's 2 month appointment to today since Teagan started running yet another fever and is still all snotty and coughing, so this morning the babies and I headed out.  First up was Target.  Grayson has a birthday party on Saturday, so we needed a present.  As we walked in, we ran onto the woman with the twins from Wegman's the other day!  It was so funny that we ran onto each other, especially since Target is in our town and Wegman's is about 20 minutes away.  We chatted for a bit and then I went off to get what we needed.  I had put Finn in the sling and Teagan in the cart, but it wasn't working well.  Teagan wanted to stand, so I would belt her, then she would undo the belt the little smarty pants, so I would sit her down and she would try to stand and so on and so forth.  I decided it is really time to get the new double stroller and have narrowed down the one I want.  I knew I would need one for Disney, but it is becoming clear that Teagan can outsmart the simple waist belts so I need to secure her in a five point harness....made of titanium :)

Got the goods and headed to the pediatrician.  We saw the nurse practicioner that I love who declared that Finn was doing awesome and that he was growing right along his growth curve.  He is a big boy, 13 lbs 3 ozs at two months today.  Teagan was checked over again and they changed her antibiotic.  We are guessing most of it is viral, but she keeps getting these fevers of between 99.5 and 101 which they thing may be due to a sinus infection. Hopefully this will do the trick and she will be on the mend soon, wiping her nose can be a wrestling match, so I will be happy for her to start to feel better.

The rhythm of life

Ours is a busy and crazy life, but it also runs like a well oiled machine most of the time.  Yesterday Ryan, the babies and I went to run some errands.  First on our list was Wegman's where we did the grocery shopping and got some lunch.  While grocery shopping, Ryan often had a baby in his arms, first Finn, then Teagan, then Finn again.  We tag teamed without needing to say much, he saw when I was trying to find a product and would distract Teagan, and I would see when Finn needed me to hold him and just take him and keep walking,  After we bought the groceries, I found a table with the cart and Finn while Ryan and Teagan grabbed slices of pizza, when they returned I went and got some Indian food with Finn sleeping in my arms. 

When I got back, Ryan was chatting with a woman at the next table with twin baby girls.  She was mentioning that she had seen us moving through the store and that she saw how we worked as a team and that she and her husband are the same way with their kids.  As I walked over, Ryan had just mentioned that Teagan and Finn were our fourth and fifth children and she laughed because she also had four and knew how much easier being out with two can be! We chatted a bit while we ate lunch, me remarking that I didn't think I could swing twins and her mentioning that she couldn't do two close in age, her next oldest was eight.  I guess before the conversation I hadn't noticed how well we moved together, how Ryan could see when I needed to think or when I needed him to grab a kid and vice versa.  There is something special about those unspoken conversations, and they make things so much easier.

Tonight as Ryan handed off the kids to me just after I walked in from teaching it felt so secure, so predictable, so expected.  He knew what he needed to do before I took over, and I knew when it was my time to jump in.  The rhythm of our life is so peaceful and calming amongst the noise and hubbub of activity.

Much more peaceful

Almost like clockwork, Finn turned 8 weeks old and my postpartum anxiety subsided for the most part.  i still have my moments, but most of the time I am able to see how lucky I am and that the things that bug me, namely the house, is not that big of a deal and I can always tackle things tomorrow.  This couldn't have come at a better time since I am now back to work everywhere and last week I had Teagan and Brittan sick, plus some school delays/snow days to contend with and now I am sick again and Finn is sick!  It looks like we all just have a nasty virus, Brittan has an awful cough and sinus infection and is on breathing treatments and an antibiotic, but she is doing better and went to school today.  Teagie has a yucky cough too, is on breathing treatments as needed and an antibiotic for an ear infection.  Haven  has a cough but seems OK right now and Finn and I have stuffy noses and I have a sore throat (he may too I guess) and he has a little cough and a fever.  He has a well check this week so I am hoping he gets better so I don't need to bring him in twice this week like I did Teagan two weeks ago!

OK, off to get some work done before leaving for PT gig, really hoping the ice holds off until I get home!

I have a house full of VERY excited children

I just told them how many more weeks until we head back to Disney and they are SO SO SO excited.  We haven't been since January 2008 and were scheduled for this January but then we had Finn and bumped it a few months.  Today they were pouring over Disney park maps, looking at attractions, talking about what they want to do and when and trying to figure out how to schedule everything.

Being that we have the two babies this trip, we will plan more than I usually do.  We stay in a timeshare so we have a full kitchen and laundry which means I can pack really light (3 outfits/1 PJ/1 bathing suit per person) and just run a load of laundry each night.  I know where the grocery store is and will hit it when we arrive, and we ALWAYS eat breakfast in the room.  This time around, we will eat either lunch or dinner in the parks each day and the other in the room, plus most days we will have to come back for a nap for the babies unless Teagan is holding up well and Finn is sleeping in the sling. I need to get a new double stroller before we go, I am guessing a side by side version since it takes up less space and is easier to travel with, and we will use our handy dandy roof rack thing for all the clothes.

Being the kids are older, and as all moms and dads know souvenirs can be  hassle, I decided to give each of them a Disney card with a set amount of money on it.  That is theirs to spend, but when they are done, they are done.  We will still buy them a sweatshirt or shirt and a few other items, but this will solve the problem of  all the little trinkety things they will want.

I am now working on locating a character meal, we may skip it and just go to Rainforest instead...we like Rainforest and I think the food is better and the "show" is more fun!

so far so good

OK, I am currently encouraging each and every one of my children to become weathermen/weatherwoman.  It is the only job I know of where you can be wrong almost all the time and people still look to you as an authority and expert.  Today we had a 30% chance of flurries, instead we got 4 hours of snow...WTH?

Anyway, while the snow fell I was busy loading five kids into the car.  The new seat arrangement is going OK, although every time I have all the kids getting in and out of the car, the 15 passenger van looks looks more and more appealing.  Anywho, the kids and I were venturing out to Target since I was in need of a few key items including a nice peppermint mocha from Starbucks, and then off to the pediatrician to have Teagan and Brittan looked at.  I was attempting all this after going to sleep at midnight and starting my day at the glorious hour of 3 am thanks to a piggyback effort made by Finn (3-6 am) and Teagan ( 6:15 wake up).  Made it through Target and the harrowing walk to the car with an infant seat, a toddler and three bigger kids who seemed oblivious to the very slippery parking lot.  Got to the doctor's office and it was PACKED.  Saw the doc who determined Brittan who is never sick has a sinus infection and something going on in her lungs, and Teagan has a yucky cough and an ear infection.  That puts two kids on antibiotics and breathing treatments...and Finn is a crab and seems "off" and Haven just started coughing, so we will see where that lands us. 

On the bright side, I got an email that my Chapter 1 is approved by my committee and Chapter 2 should be sent off soon for review.  It is amazing to me that it is happening, I completed my doctoral coursework, I passed my Comp Exams and now I am writing my dissertation all while still having the family I wanted.  I am so lucky that I did not have to sacrifice my career, my family or my education and that I got to have them all!  Now all I need to do is get my rear in shape after having all these kids so I ordered a Wii Fit and I am going to start it tomorrow.  I would love to drop about 20 pounds and have been eating pretty well, so this may be all I need to drop the last of that weight.  I am thinking 2011 may be my best year yet :)

Love me some snow!!!

Yesterday I had my first Wednesday at PT school and the sitter did great with my two littles :)  I let my class out early since they were calling for some serious winter weather, and it was a wreck getting home.  Took me over 2 hours to make a 45 minute drive and it was well before rush hour.  During the drive I saw everything from rain, to sleet, to freezing rain, to some weird slush stuff to snow.  Got home and settled in and we watched the snow fall.

Ryan worked from home last night and I cannot tell you how much I love when he does that.  He ate dinner with us, and this morning when I got up with the kids he had done the dishes, roasted some coffee beans for me and made steel cut oats for the crew.  He is now at the grocery store and shoveled the walkway and driveway....none of this would have happened if he had to do the commute :)  Thankfully he is getting everything we need for the weekend, so the kids and I plan to hole up, make a fire and enjoy the snow days! 

I feel like I am turning the corner on my post partum anxiety.  I am still feeling overwhelmed and the state of the house still gets to me, but I am able to deal with it easier and I understand that it doesn't need to be perfect.  I am also feeling a lot more energetic, guess I have all the energy I was using to stress back now.  Today I am moving laundry through, cleaned the kitchen, will vacuum after lunch and have plans to make broccoli cheddar soup and BLTs for dinner!  I also promised the kiddos we can make cookies.  Busy busy!

and so it begins again

I am back to PT school tonight and I am less than pleased, but I will go and once I am there I will fall back into my role.  Ryan and I know that this extra job needs to go, soon.  I have been juggling the kids, the house, school, the FT job and the PT job going on six long years and I am tired of it.  Part of our grand plan is that when we move, I get to step back to just my one FT job and that I will begin writing articles and journal publications and possibly a book.  There is also talk of me doing some speaking, I have been asked in the past and declined, and being that my research focus applies well both to academics and consumers, there is some potential there for me to do some work speaking.  I am anxiously awaiting our move, I know it is coming soon and cannot wait...each day we get a little closer and it is getting exciting as it is no longer "if" but "when"

My husband is back in school too and is kicking ass!  I am so proud of him since school has never been his thing, but he went into it guns blazing and is doing really well.  He should be done before the big move too and the degree will help with the new job search.  We have again decided to allow fate to guide us.  We want to live in Upstate NY.  The weather is in line with our desires and we would be near NYC. However we really like Ryan's company and all the vacation he gets now after so many years of working there...plus the benefits are great and we know that if he ever lost his job, the severance is fantastic.  The company headquarters are here in a town about an hour and a half north of us.  If he transferred to that facility, we could live out by my sister. We could still get the land we wanted, but the weather would still be weird VA weather and obviously NYC is not nearby, but family is.  It is a hard choice for us.  My sister's kids are the only cousins my kids have, and my kids are the only cousins they have.  Ryan's family is not involved with us at all, and we enjoy spending time with my sister and her crew.  For me, living up near them is best for us, but I understand Ryan's desire to live back in NY and we both simply cannot choose one over the other, family or locale.  So again, we are back to fate.  Ryan is applying for jobs internally again.  If he gets a job at the company headquarters and he likes it, we will stay here in VA and move in two years or so.  If he doesn't get a job internally he will start looking in NY in a year and we will move.  It is all up to fate.

It's all about the little things

OK, the car is in the shop and I am mentally prepared for the repair cost, just waiting for the phone call with the actual quote.  Once returned we then will drop Ryan's car off for two more tires.  I am thankful we can afford this, usually January is a bear for us, but we can do it this year and it isn't too painful :)

I think I have Teagan's cold and she sounds even worse today.  My fingers and toes are crossed that all the hacking she is doing is a good thing and that she is moving the junk out, I really don't want to deal with pneumonia with her.  She and Finn took turns waking and crying last night, and combined with my cold, I was not a happy camper, but we survived.  My wonderful husband took one for the team and drove to the farm straight from work (that is an extra hour on top of his two hour commute) and then took me to drop off my car...awesome awesome husband. He has to work tonight too so I am going to try to make sure he has a really good dinner to take, wonder what I will order :)

I am finding that if at the end of the day everyone has been fed, things are sort of clean, the dishes are put away and I made it through with happy kids, I feel pretty accomplished.  I am still anxious to get the dining room put back together so I can finish the rest of my list, but I am rolling with it better than I thought I could.  I head back to PT school Monday night and I am a little sad.  I don't mind teaching the class and I like seeing students face to face, but the long drive just wastes time I could have with my family and it irks me.  To put in in perspective though, I have to actually go to campus 24 times a semester total for the two classes if I give the second exam and the final online, which I do.  From leaving the house to walking back in the door, I am gone about 4 1/2 hours.  That is 108 hours I am away from my family for the whole semester, which is equal to what most people with a full time job work in 2 1/2 weeks not including commute time.  OK, I will stop whining now.

Musical Chairs

Busy morning today.  Got the big kids off to school then took Finn and Teagan to the pediatrician for Teagan's 18 month check up.  Seems she is not as small as we thought, they said she was 93% for height but i think they mis-measured since there is no way she is that tall...now the 75% for weight I can see, her thighs are chuuuuuuby!  We also had then listen to her chest again since she is still sick and still running a fever.  When we go there her oxygen levels were pretty low, only about 91% but we got them back up.  I am hoping the fever and cough let up before Monday or we have to go back to the doctor.

After the doctor we headed to Target.  I forgot my sling so I had to throw Teagie in the basket area and put Finn's car seat up front since it didn't fit in the basket.  Teagan was NOT happy with the arrangement, but she was good and behaved which was all I could ask for.  I also scored her a ton of jeans that were clearanced for $3.50!  I got her a few sizes at those prices, so we have jeans to last at least a year!  As we headed out and I struggled to get Teagan in her car seat which is in the third row, behind the other seat and is a pain for me to get her into and out of, I decided it is time to revisit the car seat arrangement.  We have an extended Trailblazer so I have Finnian behind the driver seat, Brittan in the middle seat and Haven on the end of the middle row (the girls no longer need boosters).  In the third row I have Teagan on the passenger seat side and Grayson in his booster on the driver side.  The problem is I need to fold down the seat, half climb in and sort of toss Teagie into her seat and then get the straps done....it is a huge pain!  The baby is in his infant carrier and will be for awhile, so I think I am going to put Teagan back behind the driver seat, leave Brittan in the middle and put Finn behind the passenger seat with Gray and Haven in the back.  The two in the back will need to climb over the seat, but it will be so much easier on my back and other then when it is raining, it shouldn't be a big problem and I can throw a towel in the back to wipe down the seat for those occasions.  I figure by summer Teagan will be able to climb into her seat in her own and get her arms through the straps and when that happens I can put her back in the third row, but for now, I need something easier!

24 hours is not the same as 72 hours

So......we finally got the floors finished last night and as a result I have a china cabinet in the foyer, china in the living room and my dining room table in the middle of my small kitchen.  Navigating through the house is nearly impossible right now, as are eating any meals at the table since we can fit the chairs in with the table, but then no one can walk through the kitchen, so we pull the chairs in when we need them, and then out when we are done.  I thought we would only be like this for 24 hours, that is what I get for skimming the instructions on the polyurethane, in fact we need to keep the furniture out for 72 hours and cannot put the rug back for SEVEN days.  So basically sometime in the wee hours of Saturday morning I can move the furniture in but not the rug-and we all know I will get up for a feeding and then go move the furniture.  We will survive this, and thankfully during the day it is just me and the babies and we don't spend any time in the dining room usually, so it is just the kitchen that is a major pain in the rear, especially when trying to cook.

The kids were off school Monday for MLK Day and yesterday because we had some serious overnight icing.  Now they are threatening overnight snow Thursday into Friday...if they are out of school Friday I may lose my mind since we are already needing to make up days and it is only January 19th!  I need to get my car into the shop, it is making a noise like it did when my bearing was bad last time and I want to get it fixed.  Being we don't fit in Ryan's car, we planned to drop the car off yesterday, but the kids were here and there was that ice issue.  The revised plan was to drop it off Friday...but we will have to see if the weather cooperates.   For as many days as the kids have missed school, you would think we would have had some decent snow by now...nope, almost always ice issues.  I am wishing we were back in NY this year, they have been bombarded with snow!

Trying to get some chicken corn chowder made for tonight, it is gray and damp out and a warm up is needed.

Disorganized

I have a bunch of things I want to talk about, but they are super random so I am just making a list...

1. Hubby seems better, hoping enough so that we can finally get the floors done and I can put my house back together.

2. Every time the Kinectimals commercial comes on, Teagan lays on the floor like they do in the ad...it is funny.

3.  Finn is the sweetest baby around, very alert and reasonably calm.

4.  The Woombie is the best invention ever, Finn can escape any swaddle and the Miracle Blanket and always knocks out his pacifier....not in the Woombie!

5. I wonder if other parents of a brood every feel like they can stop moving and cleaning up or if that is my own craziness.  I feel like I clean all day, every day and it bites.

6.  My kids are Wipeout junkies

7. Made the best sweet yeast rolls last night for dinner.  Tonight I am making spicy Italian beef sandwiches and need to make more rolls.  Good thing they were easy to make!

8. Confused about the changes I need to make to my Chapter 1 of my dissertation, chair had minimal comments. one committee member had a TON of comments and changes and other committee member had only a few changes and loved it....*sigh*

9.  Really excited that Big Love starts tonight and that the hubby and I have decided that once a month we are having an official date night.  Some months we will go out, some months we will just snuggle up with a nice just for grownups dinner and watch a movie, but we need to make sure we make time for each other in this crazy house.

10. I am thankful for the friends I have in life, and wish I had more time to spend with them.  I am making this a new priority as I have neglected myself too much in recent years and I need to make time for myself too.

11.  Think I am finally feeling like we will make all this work, although adding in my PT and FT jobs may be rough, I am feeling like we will pull it together and everything will be a-ok.

12.  Even though he thinks I am crazy, my husband promised to get me an iPhone when they are available for Verizon customers.  I HATE my Blackberry, so he is getting it for me even though he believes I should get a Droid.

13.  I love, love, love, love my kids, they are awesome...just wish they were getting along better today.

14.  Incredibly excited that we are planning to go NH in June to see my cousin graduate.  It has been too long since I have seen that side of the family, and cannot wait to celebrate Tim' accomplishments.  Should be fun and we are planning a trip into Boston while we are there...with my parents...and all the kids, that should be interesting!

OK, I think those are all the random thoughts in my head!

Forced rest

I don't sit well, especially when already stressed and anxious, but the kids and I need a down day.  Ryan made pancakes this morning since he worked from home, it was nice and I wish he would work from home more, I like seeing him in the morning and the evenings.  Since this week went well, maybe I can convince him to work one day a week from home on the long weeks, it really makes everything easier.

He is still pretty laid up, and as a result of doing all the physical labor, my back is hurting so today I have decided to lay low.  I did a few loads of laundry already and vacuumed, and will make the kids some lunch in a bit, but other than that and making dinner, my tush will be riding the couch.  Tonight I am making a nice roast chicken, it has been awhile since we have had one and I am looking forward to it.  Of course no roast chicken is complete without stuffing and I plan to make roasted acorn squash as well. I found a recipe for sweet yeast rolls that I am going to get started when Teagan heads for a nap, and by midday my house should smell delicious!

I have one more week off for leave and then it is back to the grind.  I don't mind returning to the FT gig since it is from home, it is the PT job where I have to leave the house twice a week that is causing me stress.  I know I am lucky to only have to be somewhere twice a week, but I really would rather not ever have to "go" to work and just work from home.  Hopefully in the next few years that will become a reality.

Intervention

I think we may need an intervention, Teagan is addicted to two things, Fraggle Rock and kissing her baby brother.  The first addiction is super cute, we tape Fraggle Rock for her and she screams "Fraaa Rock!" when she hears the intro music and then she tries to clap when the Fraggles Clap.  She dances, "sings" and generally adores the Fraggles, and as kid shows go, it is one of the least offensive.  Fraggles also give me about 20 minutes to do something I need to do.  I usually save it for when I am trying to prep dinner.

The second addiction sounds good and positive...but she is almost 18 months old and not exactly the most gentle creature.  She LOVES Finn, and wants to kiss on him, hug him, touch him, rub his head etc but she can't do it that gently.  So when she tries to kiss him, she often climbs on top of him, and when she tries to hug him, she squeezes, etc.  It is hard to tell her no since she is trying to be sweet, but we have to balance protecting Finn and encouraging a good relationship between them and minimize jealousy.  It can be quite an adventure, but I am thankful that Teagan loves Finn, just wish she could love him more gently.  I do have to say, the face Finn makes when Teagan is coming in for a kiss is priceless, it is a mix of fear and joy that only a baby could conjure up.

Sometimes it sucks, then you look around and get over yourself

That was a big title, but it was the best way to sum things up.

Hubby went to the foot doctor, they put him on prednisone so I fully expect him to be a raving lunatic by the weekend :)  They also put him in a boot and told him to come back in a week.  I feel bad for him since not only is he in pain, but he is unable to move around easily and has to navigate through our house which is a maze of rooms with numerous hazards on the floor-toys, bouncy seats, gates, kids, a giant dog, etc.  In addition, he knows that all the lifting and dragging and general physical labor is causing me a ton of pain, my incision is throbbing again and my back where the epidural was placed feels like someone punched it, all day, every day.  Being this started when I was five weeks out from surgery, the timing sucked and right now we need to balance each others pain so that neither of us does any additional damage.  I do have to say, I cannot remember Ryan EVER going to the doctor because he was sick or hurt in our entire relationship, so I know he is really hurting badly.

So last night I had a good cry to him that I am tired and I hurt and I am overwhelmed by the extra mess in the house due to the dining room being dismantled and my hormones are crazed and I go back to work in two weeks and and and and.....  Well, he got a piece of paper and wrote down the five most important things I needed done to feel like the house was in order and that would help settle my OCD.  He then told me that he knew how hard things were, the end of the pregnancy was a bit rough, then getting over the c-section and just when I thought we could tackle some projects, he goes down with his foot and that all of this  screws with my anxiety and makes me overwhelmed.  He totally rocks and gets that I can't help how I feel, that I wish I could let it slide but sometimes I can't and that I need him and the kids to help me tackle these things that have been piling up through two pregnancies and births plus our usual crazy lives and jobs.

He is working from home this week since he can't drive, so I am hoping the rest and the medicine will help his foot so on his days off this week we can tackle those five things.  The first is to do the dining room floor so I can put that room back together.  The second is to finish straightening the living room, that is where the dining room is living right now so I need that stuff out and just need to finish straightening after Christmas and it will be done. I use the living room as my quiet spot, when I need a moment I go in there since it is on the far side of the house....I miss that room since it has been the Christmas room since November.  Next he needs to go through all his clothes and sort them so I can buy him a new dresser...they have been living in two laundry baskets and it is making me crazed.  After that is the mantle, it needs new molding which is a simple and quick fix.  The last thing is we need to have the carpet installed in the playroom so I can organize that room and make an area for Teagan's toys.  Currently her toys are in the family room, but I need a place to safely put Finn and her stuff is getting too big and taking over, so she is getting a dedicated space in the playroom for her new kitchen, market, baby dolls, etc.

So sometimes it sucks, but then you have to look around, make a plan and get over it.

1.11.11

Today is our 11th wedding anniversary, and I am happy to say we are still married, which given the last few days is quite the accomplishment :)

Finn is not sleeping at night again, well he is sleeping but waking every 45 minutes to fuss.  I know that this is normal at nearly 6 weeks, and that he is finding his sleep pattern, but geez it is wearing on me. I am tired, I am beyond tired, I am utterly exhausted and crabby and sleepy.  Three nights of no sleep in a row is pretty bad, but they coincide with the hubby's days off which should be good, except....he is on crutches and can't walk.  Yep, crutches.  No baby picking up, no baby carrying, no grocery lugging, no driving...crutches and pain.  Ugh.  He is a-ok, no worries, he has two heel spurs and it is causing him a ton of pain, we will go to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully they will give him a shot to help the inflammation.  I wish he wasn't in pain, and I am sorry he is hurting, but hell it sucks around here without the extra hands.  Add to this that we were supposed to refinish the cork floors on Sunday.  We cleared out the china cabinet and put everything in boxes in the living room, moved everything out except the china cabinet.  He was hurting so we put it off until Monday morning, but when he got up Monday, he couldn't stand at all....so now my china is in boxes in the living room, and I have gated it off since it is just placed there not packed well.  The dining room is half empty, some stuff is in the foyer and some in the back hallway. I forgot to mention that Teagan has a cold and likes to just cry for extended periods of time-now THAT is a party! 

So lets add up:  No sleep + hubby out of commission+ house in disarray+ hormones+OCD+sick baby=one STRESSED out Mama. 

Anyway, after I broke down in hyperventilating tears this morning, Ryan sent me back to bed for an hour and a half and got the big kids off to school. That extra sleep made me feel semi functional so I got a few things done around the house.  We canceled our date out since, well, who is feeling romantic right now, but the kid's are getting out of school two hours early because it is *supposed* to snow (don't even get me started on that one) so we will be taking the whole family out to eat tonight.  I am sure we will be quite the sight since I am planning to wear clothes that could double as PJs, but oh well, we need dinner and I am not cooking...plus it is kid's night so kids eat super cheap!

Anyway, regardless of everything going on, the hurt hubby, lack of sleep, messy house, etc.  I am very happy that Ryan and I made the choice to marry each other 11 years ago today.  I love him, our kids and our life together even when it is a mess like it is today, because someday we will look back and remember these moments and know that we got through them together.  OK, now I need to shower because I am at least shooting for clean when we go out tonight!

It will never be perfect again

I have to accept that my house will never be perfect again, I lost that battle about three kids ago.  My body will never be perfect again, not that it ever was, but it is changed forever and that came courtesy of kid #1 and each that followed.  Nothing will ever be just "mine" which as a youngest child is hard to grasp and accept, but i share with a house full of people who always want my attention, my time, my lap to sit on, my ears to listen and they even want my chocolate stash :)

Most of these I accepted pretty readily, except the house thing...it still makes me crazy that as soon as I get something in order, it is thrown into chaos.  I clean and straighten all day, and on most days I am not happy with how things look at the end of the day but yet I keep truckin' mostly because I can only imagine what it would look like if I stopped cleaning up.  We are crazy busy, and our lives are far from perfect, my kids argue and fight, laundry piles up, floors get dirty, babies wet through, and we make mistakes as humans, children, friends, spouses and parents, but that is OK, because perfect is overrated.  I am so happy with my life and family and if I can chase away my aspirations of perfection and accept "good enough" I think I will be easier for them to live with.  I am trying every day to swallow it, to slow the anxiety and know that someday the house will be empty and then I can make it perfect, but now I need to accept that it will not be perfect and to love it as it is.

Slinging the baby

So yesterday I found out that Haven has a birthday party to attend tomorrow from 3-6 pm...which is all well and good except Grayson has a birthday party from 12:30-2:30 and it is about a half hour away.  Thankfully I was able to carpool for Gray's party and will be the drop off person and his friend's parents will be pick ups...hooray!  The real problem with the parties is that I needed to go get presents, today, with just the babies.  I had been trying to figure out how I would do this since I haven't bought a double stroller yet and Teagan cannot walk when we are out, so I busted out my Moby Wrap for our trip to Target.  I have a bunch of slings, two pouch style ones, a Mei Tai and the Moby.  I love the Moby when the kids are little since I can put it on at home, wear it in the car and just stick the baby in when we get to our destination.

So after the big kids left today, the babies and I headed out.  I parked right by a cart return with a cart in it, grabbed the cart and put Teagan in the seat and buckled and then went and got Finn out of his seat and put him in the sling.  The shopping trip went great, so great that I completed it while sucking down a Peppermint Mocha, pretty impressive while pushing a toddler in a cart and wearing a newborn :)  We got everything we needed and more and got out of the store easily.  The only issue I had was that when I parked next to the cart return I was a little too close and it made getting Teagan in and out a bit of a struggle as she sits in the third row and the door couldn't be opened all the way, but such a minor thing to deal with.  I was also sweating to death when we were done, I had a sweater on, the the wrap and Finn and my coat on top...I really should have taken off the coat!  Small successes every day.

Full arms, full house, full lap

We had another great night last night which is making this week so much more manageable!  Last night after I fed Finn at 9:30 I just turned everything off and went to sleep.  He was up 12:30, 3:30 and then for the day at 7 and after every feeding during the night he went right back to sleep and so did I.  It was glorious, well as glorious as waking up in the middle of the night to nurse a newborn can be :)

Mornings are crazy with the big kids getting ready for school, double diaper changes, breakfast for Teagan which equals a huge mess and feeding Finn, but it is getting done and everyone is getting where they need to go.  After the big kids leave, I clean up from breakfast and try to get something else done, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, etc and then i head into baby jail and hang with the littles.  Usually I end up under a pile of babies, Finn on one side and Teagan on the other, but it is usually fun and silly and loud.  Then nap time comes and I finally get to eat lunch and prep for dinner so it is easier to make once Teagan wakes up, plus any other chores I have left get tackled.  Then Teagie is up and soon after the big kids come storming in with snack requests, papers to review and homework to be done.

The hubby has been a great help, he kept the babies yesterday morning so I could run to the store and has been trying to lend a hand at dinner even though he has to get ready for work.  Even handing out plates can be a huge help some nights, so I will take what I can get!  He also was kind enough to grab our Quail Cove order this morning which was a huge help since I didn't have to bundle the babies and take them out in the cold and then drag 25lbs of chicken, 5 lbs sweet potatoes, 5 lbs steel cut oats, 3 dozen eggs and 2 packs of bacon in along with juggling the babies...thanks honey!

Tonight we will attempt dance with all the kids.  I plan to pack snacks and drop Haven off, then waste a little time driving to McDonald's to get myself a coffee, then back to the parking lot where I will turn on a movie and let the kids watch while we wait.  It isn't perfect, but it will get us through, and then when we get home somehow I will get Finn settled while I put Teagan to bed and hustle the big kids to bed too...should be interesting!

Constantly evolving

The best part about being human is that we can learn and adapt quickly to changing situations or experiences.  For our family 2010 was a year of great growth.  We learned we would be having our fifth child which was a bit of a surprise given that Teagan was only 8 months old at the time.  I was shocked and overwhelmed to say the least, and of course I found out the most stressful week of my life while working on my Comprehensive Exam for school.  I struggled initially to get used to the idea of another little one, I worried about how I would handle the two babies, the three big kids, my two jobs and writing my dissertation.  I was afraid of another pregnancy so soon and felt I had just finally recovered and felt "good" after Teagan's birth.  Of course I came around and saw what was right in front of me, saw the joy in the surprise, and fell in love with our little boy.  Of course today, at a month old, I feel like our family was never really complete without him and now know that we needed Finn to finish off our little tribe and make it complete.

In addition to adding Finn this year, the kids, Ryan and I grew in our lives and relationships.  Friends came and we feel lucky to share our lives with them, and friends left when we no longer could figure out how they fit positively into our world.  The kids are growing so fast, and I am so proud of the people they are becoming-loving, caring, compassionate and giving, what more could a mama want?  Ryan and I have grown too, we have such a strong marriage now and I cannot imagine anyone else living this life with me.  We have our sights set on the same goals and together we are pushing towards them, helping each other over the hurdles. 


I love my life, it may not be for everyone, but it is all I could have asked for.

One month old

Today my sweet little Finn turned one month old.  His personality has become more clear the last few weeks and we are all getting excited to discover more about him as he becomes more awake and aware.  He is a good baby, he doesn't cry much and is pretty easily appeased.  He is very aware of his surroundings and spends a good part of the day alert and observing the chaos around him.  He is not a bad sleeper and doesn't have his days and nights confused, but he is a bit of a night owl and doesn't settle well until around 11 and then is up a few times including a longer span between 3 and 5.  If he was my only child it would be no problem since he likes to sleep late until 9 or so, but sadly Teagan is up before 7 every day and the big kids also have to get up for school, so I am a little sleep deprived.  I am working on getting him on a schedule for bed, and moving up his sleep time to closer to 9 with his awake time being around midnight or 1 since I can work with that better and get more sleep once he settles.  Thankfully all my kids were night owls so we have done this many times before and within a few weeks it all works out.

Finn had his one month check up today and is up to 10 lbs 11 ozs and 22 inches, that is a gain of over 2 lbs and 2 inches since he was born a month ago...yippee for nursing!

Wanna go for a ride?

Come hang out with one sleep deprived mama with kids on winter break and the hubby on his long week.  So far we have made it through most of the week unscathed, although last night about did me in.  Finn was fussy until 11, then I went to sleep, Teagan was up crying just before midnight so I went and settled her and emerged after midnight (Happy New Year to me!) then back to sleep, up at 1 with Finn, back to sleep and up from 3-5 with Finn, up at 6:30 with Teagan.  Yeah...tired.  I guess the hardest part is that there is no opportunity for help from Ryan, and I know he feels bad about it but there is nothing we can do.  When they changed to the 12 hr shifts this summer we lost the chance I had for a break.  In the good ole days, he got up for dinner and then was able to hang with us for an hour or so before putting kids to bed for me and going to work.  Now he leaves at dinner time, so we don't really see him and I don't get those blessed few minutes to step away that I need, and it is hard.  The trade off is that he only works three days every other week, and those weeks are awesome...but right now I am counting the minutes until he gets home tomorrow, sleeps and then is available to help me out a little.

The good thing, the best thing, the only thing that helps me get through the exhausting days is that I know why we are doing this.  I know that we love our kids so much that we have arranged these crazy schedules and jobs so they have us here for them.  I know that we love them so much that we are busting our rears right now, working extra hours and jobs to afford the things they want and need and to save and prepare to make our big move in the next few years.  I know we are doing this so when we move, we will move to a huge lot of land where the kids have room to roam, where we can build our dream home and where we will stay forever and only have to work one job apiece, hopefully with the hubby working a standard shift for a change.  It is so hard some days, juggling the kids, school, work, etc can be wearing, but they are worth it, being here with them is worth is, and the life we continue to build is worth it.