Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Christmas Outfit Saga

So, showed the girlies the outfits I wanted to get. Brittan said, "I LOVE Penguins!" and Haven said, "WHY do I ALWAYS have to wear DRESSES! I don't LIKE that dress. I WON'T wear it!"

So then I ventured, reluctantly over to the Gymboree site. I knew there were cute outfits there, and that I could easily find them all clothes, but I DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND THE MONEY!!!!

Needless to say they both found outfits, with accessories, that they loved, and there was an outfit for Gray too. I am still shopping around, but have a feeling that instead of $100 for outfits, I am looking at $200! Darn kids!

Toy Story and Little Boys

We had an interesting morning. In helping Britt find clothes, I come to find out that she has SHOVED all of the clean and folded clothes into the back of her closet! So I dig them out and start refolding, and send the kids down so Haven can pour their cereal. Then, as I am almost finished, I hear it...CRASH!

Down I go to find a broken bowl all over the floor, oh bother! So I clean it up, pour the cereal and start lunches. My girls took PB, green apple and honey sandwiches today, yummo!

Then we got them out the door, I cleaned up the house and Grayson and I settled in to watch a little Toy Story. I love these small moments, when my big boy of four climbs on my lap for snuggles, and lets me kiss his ear and hold him. It doesn't happen often, he is so big now that he rarely lets me smooch all over him and cuddle him, but just sometimes, he indulges me. I love each of my kiddos, and try every day to have a moment to hold them, look them in the eye and tell them why they are special and that I love them. It is time well spent, they are confident little creatures, secure in my love, and even when they break a bowl or mess up their clothes, they are still hugged, kissed and loved.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Too much time

I have had some free time this evening-shocked I know!

So, Em and I have begun the Christmas outfit crusade. As we do the present shopping early and we are both almost finished, this leaves ample time to shop for perfect outfits for the kids. Years ago when the girls were small, I always went all out with outfits, especially for the holidays. With the addition of our boy, a bigger house and mortgage, now I save my shopping sprees for holiday outfits. It can be incredibly difficult to dress three kids of varying ages in matching holiday attire which is age appropriate for all. I need to locate Christmas outfits, as well as pajamas, so I begin this early.

In looking around, Em and I found these outfits

The bonus is that they can wear the clothes all winter! I still need to check a few other places, and I must locate matching PJs, and then we will be all set! I know it is not even October 1st, but I am feeling the Christmas spirit!

What a day!!!!

It was a busy, yet fun, day!

Somehow we all made it out the door, even with Grayson having a small incident as we were leaving. Dropped the girls off, drove Gray over and he ran off when he got into school-guess he won't be missing me, very anti-climatic.

Met Em for some kid free errands. We killed the sales at Rite-Aid and Target, then drove and grabbed the CSA. We tried the TGIF's cheddar and bacon potato chips, please don't, they are ridiculously good and you will be addicted! Then home to drop off eggs and produce and back out to get the little ones. Maggie, Grayson and I dropped Em off at her car, then ran into her at Dr. Tom's, who was nice enough to postpone his lunch to give us adjustments-thanks Tom!

The babies and I came home, they ate and watched a movie while I vacuumed, did dishes, laundry, cleaned the bathroom, and started dinner. We had a leftover roast chicken that has now been transformed into one of my favorite dinners, chicken and dumplings! I even had enough chicken to freeze some for tortilla soup next week. The one thing I can do well, stretch one roast chicken into three meals for a family of five!

Now we are off to eat the delicious dinner and then clean up. Kids need baths and I need to write a paper. The days here are never slow and lazy, but we get a lot done and are a happy crew...most of the time!

First day of preschool!

Grayson had his first day of preschool today!!!!! video

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Happy Sunday Morning

We had a great start today! I was up and showered by 7:30, and the kids fed and dressed by 8. Ryan made it home at 8:30 and said he would come with us to church, yippee. Off we went to church, and there was a guest speaker who wrote a book on living cheap and environmentally friendly. It was a fun morning and afterwards I spoke with the author, who has no children but a wife, and explained how we do it with three kids. He had talked about finding cheap organic produce, so I explained we get ours through the CSA and it is very inexpensive, local and organic. Well after our conversation, he gave me his email and asked me to send him a note. He is writing a book on how to live well, live cheap and raise a family and he was looking for folks to interview! On our way home, I stopped at the store because I needed beans for tonight's dinner, and employed my skills in shopping. Let's just say for just over thirty bucks, I got two huge pork roasts, enough for two meals EACH at least, a huge bag of potatoes, tomatoes, two big bunches of green onions, two boxes of crackers, four things of beef broth and two cans of beans. How's that for eating well on the cheap?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Umm, yeah I have OCD

So today was long, which I was expecting, but I am still smiling!

I got all of that awful grading done, four courses is just too much! I also managed to make a nice roast chicken dinner, no dessert (kids didn't behave well enough anyway), ran a few errands to finish Christmas gifts for the girls, cleaned up the house a bit and then my OCD REALLY took over.

I emptied all THREE freezers-and they were full, the big upright, and the two small fridge top freezer, organized it all and then created a log of what was where. I know geeky geeky. Even worse, I finally broke down and bought a crockpot, I am a pretty hands on cook, but even I have had to cave to the idea that some days, I need some help. I plan to use it mostly on Fridays when I am at class, I can set it up before I leave, and Ryan can make the sides so we can have dinner when I get home. Plus, I do like the idea of slow cooked soup. Soup is my favorite fall/winter food, so I am anxious to try some new recipes. Oh, and it uses less energy than the oven, so it is green :)

Busy mom

To note. Getting preoccupied with grading leaves your four year old open to eating TWO PACKS OF POP-TARTS!!!

I guess he won't eat dinner.

Saturday Quiet

So, it is Saturday and we aren't able to go apple picking due to weather. Thankfully we have a back up plan and will go in two weeks.

So far today I have had a 9 am call and graded 1 1/2 courses. I plan to spend the rest of the day grading, cooking a scrumptious roast chicken dinner, making something yummy for dessert and trying to get a little downtime. In a few moments, I will vacuum downstairs, do the dishes, clean the cat litter, switch laundry and make the kids start their chores ;)

I have to say, while my life can be crazy and a lot to handle, I do love having a houseful of my family, even if they are messy!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Taxes

Interesting article regarding what taxes would be under McCain and Obama. Of note, for the scenarios listed, the taxpayer would pay more than they do now under McCain and less under Obama. Being that everyone always believes Dems raise taxes, I found the data interesting.

Read here

Friday fun

Ah so we did not start well....again.

The girls are off, Maggie came to play and I am about to get ready for work. Hopefully my class will be quick with their exam and I can get postings and other goodies completed. On the bright side, I just ordered a bunch of new PJs for Grayson, and one for each girl. I am so tired of looking at him crammed into too small jammies, so I know he will appreciate the new jams.

Off to help corral the littles, then to work.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Dreary, dreary, weak and weary

It is one of those, grab your favorite comforter and snuggle up days. I have had a few calls, done a little housework, but mostly tried to enjoy the darkness that the clouds have brought. It would be a perfect day if only I didn't have to go out tonight. We have open house at school, so I will need to change out of my super comfy pants and tank top and hoodie into something presentable. Ah bleck, that is about the last thing I want to do!

In a few minutes I will switch the laundry, start the dinner and get ready for the girlies coming home. We have a sitter coming at 6:30 and it isn't my normal sitter so I feel like we need to be a bit more together. Homework will need to be done, I need to do posts, and then we will go. Oh to just be able to snuggle up instead....

Closure

It is interesting how haunts from your past show up in your dreams. I had a doozy last night, and since I know that the person in question sometimes reads here, I thought I would explain the dream.

So last night I dreamt that a friend from college (Bregger) brought me a funky little laminated card and told me to look at it. On it it said that a certain ex from college had been killed in a car accident on LI. It had his image as well, and I looked at the card and told her I just didn't believe it. Throughout the dream, I reached out to many people from my past to see if it was true, if in fact the world had lost this person, and they kept confirming, and I kept denying. I remember feeling devastated that I hadn't said goodbye and that there would be no opportunity to see each other again, face to face, and have closure. It was a painful dream to have, and the awful feeling has carried into my day. The people who affect us in life, do so forever, and it is incredibly hard sometimes to put it to rest. While I am thrilled to know that this gentleman is alive and kicking, it pains me that it has been 11 years since we sat face to face, and that when things ended, it was so very abrupt. I am curious as to the man he has become, and know that if we were to meet today, with no prior history, he wouldn't recognize who I am now. Life can be so very hard, people come in and out so frequently, and we often forget consciously how much they affect us, but our dreams always remind us of the impact.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Found money :)

I love the idea of found money and karma. Remember a few weeks ago when I was saying that we must be gearing up for some good, because all the bad hit at once? Well it did! Not only did my super kind boss get the school to pay me extra for covering the two classes while my faculty member was out of commission , but she also emailed me today and asked me to cover an internship for one of our students. I have done this in the past, and really enjoy it, so I said sure! Then she emailed me that they were paying me extra buckos, and internships are super easy and minimal work! Hooray, that money will come in handy with paying down the debt and Christmas coming. Plus, it would be nice to have a little extra to help MIL out if she moves in with us.

Hump day fun!

So, somehow the tribe and I made it out the door in one piece with no yelling at 8:30 am. The hard part was that Grayson and I needed to be dressed because we were heading over to his preschool open house. The girls were dropped off, and Gray and I headed drove over. This is the same school Brittan attended, so when we walked in, the director gave Gray a BIG hello and he seemed excited about checking the place out. He played and explored, I filled out paperwork, signed up for snacks for the Halloween party and paid for school and his field trip. We left and he said he was super excited to come back on Monday for his official first day, and I have to admit I shed a few tears knowing my last baby was heading off to school.

Now I am waiting to start my Wednesday conference call, then Em and Maggie are picking Gray and I up to head to the farm. Then home to make some chimichangas for dinner and I have to go teach...well, they are taking a test, so I get to work online, Christmas shop, blog etc :)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Schooling

It is incredibly difficult to deal with the idea that your child is bright, but isn't learning well. Navigating the options available to parents in the school system is a headache, and unfortuntly I know that I will not find what I need for Haven. I did locate some small school groups nearby, but the $10K pricetag is overwhelming and unmanageable. What is a mom to do?

Oh my my

There has been some heated debates on blogs I follow, everything from gay and lesbian rights, to abortion, to big government. I personally have my own beliefs and they in no way adhere to any party. There are issues on which I am conservative, others liberal, but personal freedom is always a top priority. I despise when people hide behind their faith or their politics, I believe it is important to develop your own ideas and then see where they fit in. Education on issues is important, and necessary, and while I will debate any topic with anyone, I will walk away of you are uneducated on the issues. My faith is not your faith, so do not tell me that is why you believe the way you do, it doesn't hold water with me, holy or otherwise.

I implore you all, especially mothers, to take the time to read all you can on government, law and politics. We are rearing the future at home, and they will be the decision makers. If you have a belief, own it, stand up and shout it, and respectfully discuss it. Be open to sharing your beliefs, but also be open to hearing the beliefs of others, there is no one truth. As for voting, if you vote party, then say you do, say it doesn't matter who the candidate is or what they believe. If you don't vote party, then seek out information on BOTH candidates and their running mates. Know all there is to know and don't believe the jabs candidates make at one another, it is all easily skewed. Look at voting records, candidate statements and their history, find out what you can, I think many will be surprised by both parties, there are many shades of blue and red.

Just keep yelling at me

OK, so this morning does not go down as a good mom morning. Haven pushed me and pushed me and I erupted at her. There, I admit it, perfect mothering is not in my DNA. I did try to make it right before school, but how can you really? I know how she feels, I know how much it sticks with you when you are yelled at, especially since I am yelled at all day long. Anyone who reads this knows that I teach FT online, PT on ground and I am getting a doctorate. I also do all the stay at home mommy things such as cooking from scratch, cleaning and child rearing. I have no hired help, none, no cleaning lady, no laundry lady, no cook and no child care. Needless to say I have a lot on my plate.

All day long, someone is yelling at me. Sometimes it is Grayson or Haven (Britt usually just whines if she is unhappy), Ryan has been on me about everything is seems lately, I have two extra classes I am covering and those students, along with my students (around 135 in all)who all feel the need to yell at me about their mistakes or their late work! I take zero time for myself, even today which should have been a stay at home and do housework day, I had to run out to bring Haven's agenda to school. Grayson wanted to go to lunch, so now he has asked every five minutes if we can go, um, no it is 9:30.

I just wish I could ENJOY life more and that everyone would stop yelling at me!

Monday, September 22, 2008

I will never have a flat butt

since it never sits down long enough.

So far, I have dropped the girls at school, grabbed Maggie, went to Target, went to Dr. Tom's, called Children's Hospital, gotten gas, driven to CSA pick up (it wasn't there yet), went to Mason, went back to CSA pick up, drove home and gave Maggie back to her parents, listened to Grayson have a fit, fed him lunch, checked emailed,called Children's Hospital AGAIN, and posted this.

In 15 minutes I need to take Grayson for a well check, then go wait in pick up line for Brittan, bring her home, help her with homework, make dinner, Haven will be dropped off, feed the kids, take Britt to soccer, come home, and write a paper and work.

This must end!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Goodbye Summer

Tomorrow will be our last pick up for our Summer CSA, but don't fret, we also get the Fall CSA!

Tomorrow's haul will have one of my favorite items, butternut squash. We got one two weeks ago and it was promptly peeled and chopped and frozen for future use. Nothing is better than butternut squash soup or roasted butternut squash with a nice roast chicken!

With all of the Fall goodies coming my way, I MUST get busy finding a new food processor. I killed my old one last year pureeing the million pounds of pumpkin we got, but it was a crappy processor and couldn't stand up to my demands. Now I need to spring for a pricey model and it pains me to spend so much on one item.

Apple time

It is getting to be that time of year. Next Saturday my crew and the Fallons will head out to pick apples, and hopefully my sister will meet up it us as well. I am hoping for two and a half bushels, that is almost 150 lbs of apples :) Then we will make tons of applesauce, apple butter, apple pie filling and sliced canned apples.

It is also the time of year when I break out the apple tarts and candles and give my home that delicious scent that we hold onto well into winter. I do stash a few of the summery smells, and use those when the winter days have been especially dreary and dark, but for now, I am wishing for apples.

Not too frantic

It has been a reasonably good day. The kids have played well, my mom had a brainstorm and moved the kid's little table into the kitchen where they have been happily playing with play doh! I had leftover pasta that will now become baked spaghetti and I am making french bread, along with salad and brownies for dessert.

I made a huge dent in Christmas shopping for the kids, Grayson is basically done, Britt needs two more things and Haven needs one, plus stocking stuffers. I love getting Christmas done before Halloween, it makes the holidays so much more enjoyable!

Now I am off to switch laundry, my mom got us all caught up, so I REFUSE to fall behind :)

So sleepy

I was up well past 2 am, and the kiddos got up before 7:30! Grayson's cough sounds terrible, which is amazing since he is on meds! I am getting a sore throat, so I hope I can avoid strep. We bailed on church today-heathens-and instead I am making a nice sausage breakfast casserole.

I am also brewing coffee, and do not have my usual excitement. Since I ran out of my green beans and am waiting on a shipment, I am forced to drink store bought beans! I searched my grocery store high and low (trust me, Ryan was ready to kill me) for fair trade organic beans, but they only had organic OR fair trade! I ended up getting the fair trade, since I feel most strongly about it, and brought the beans home. I have to say, while they are a dark roast, the are just not as flavorful as the fresh roasted.

Alas, my beans will be here on Tuesday, and I ordered 10 lbs this time, so I will be set for awhile.

1 am

and I am still up. This is following a few hours of being screamed at by Grayson and Haven. Being a mom is fun.

Needless to say, I have emailed the RE director at church, and we will not be going tomorrow. This week has just been hell.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Dinner is cooking

So, I pulled my head out of my laptop long enough to break up 14000 fights between my children, go pick a few yellow tomatoes and start dinner. It always makes me sad to see all those green tomatoes on the vines, so this year we plan to use them, and the girls have been sent picking!

The yellow tomatoes are roasting with garlic for salsa, I should have had a pint of tomatoes from the CSA, but I have no clue what my mom did with them! I have ground beef, onion, jalapeno and garlic cooking, and it will be mixed with black beans, spices and chopped green tomatoes. I will serve all over rice with cheddar cheese and the salsa. I am guess cornbread on the side. Did I mention that almost everything is local and organic? What a spoiled family!

Grading

Grading for two classes stinks.

Grading for four classes is horrendous.

That is all.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Oh what a week!

This has been the week from hell. Grayson got sick Sunday night, my mom came Monday, Haven's MRI was on Tuesday, Ryan was sick on Wednesday, Haven's EEG was on Thursday...not to mention the two classes I teach and the online job!

The week is over. The family just went to dinner with the Fallon's at the Japense Steak house where we conspired to take over portions of Europe and the OBX with our brood in coming years! On the way home, I stopped at the Greek restaurant to pick up my FAVORITE Greek dessert, Galaktoboureko! Yum.

Now off to relax if you can believe it!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

So very quiet

It is so quiet here. My mom is in the shower. Grayson is watching a movie. Ryan is back in bed. It is gray and cloudy outside, and there is a cool breeze.

I am anxious, I want to hear from the doctor today, but I am nervous something will be wrong. If we make it through the MRI okay, then I know we will be fine.

I have my call at 11, funny how the normal mixes with the crazy, then off to the farm for milk. Then to work.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

First test down

So we made it through the MRI and Haven was a trooper. No worries, she was adequately spoiled and laden with gifts for her bravery.

We came home, the whole lot of us went to Brittan's soccer game, and then went to a quiet (hahahaha) dinner out with the Fallons.

Now home and all the work has been done. I hope that tomorrow brings a call from the neurologist saying the MRI was clear. Then we are on to the EEG.

OK...here it comes

It is after midnight and I am still awake after only 3 hours of sleep last night. Grayson is screaming his head off because he has strep and is miserable. We have to leave here at 8:30 am tomorrow to take Haven to the hospital for her MRI. I have two classes to teach, my FT responsibilities, and I am covering for a faculty member in her two classes. I am getting nasty emails from students in her class who don't like how I graded and I want to write back and tell the to F-off, but I can't. I missed a meeting today because I have too much on my mind and actually FORGOT, and my boss has sent me the "It's OK" email so I am stressing. In the last three weeks, Haven has been diagnosed with seizures, cut her hair, started meds and has all these appts. The hamster has died, the house is a wreck, I have added the equivalent of ANOTHER FT job on with covering this class, Grayson has strep and I haven't slept. School has started, Brittan has been sick, and Ryan's computer has died. No wonder I am still awake.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Karma

I am a big believer in karma. I truly try to live my life the right way, every day, because I believe it is my responsibility as a human. In addition, I believe that the world will make you right your wrongs by throwing a whole lotta crud your way if you are evil...ah, karma.

Now here is my dilemma. Husband and I believe we live life as good people. So can someone explain why so much crud has been thrown at us the last two weeks? Not only does Haven have two major tests this week, including one which will check for brain growths, but we have been dealing with the implosion of Ryan's mom and brothers. We have offered our home to his mom, and if need be, his youngest brother. We have done so knowing his mom is an alcoholic and needs help and we have offered her a place to go to get help and to be her support, financially and emotionally. We have offered this knowing that we have Haven's health issues to deal with. So please, someone tell me why last night, the night before my mom comes to help out here, Grayson woke up, decided to spike a super high fever and throw up for hours on end? Oh did I mention the fact that one of my faculty members is in Texas and has been out of power since Friday and I am now covering her two classes as well? I know, too much for one week.

So please tell me this is a test, that we did not do anything to deserve the onslaught and that in the end karma will pay us back positively. Pretty please!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

So this is what hope feels like

It has been a hard few years, lots of money stress, family stress, etc. I have to say, that for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful. We have a plan to pay down debt and move to more land in a few years. I really like the church we are attending and all three kids loved their classes, I even signed up to volunteer next week. Our marriage is strong, and though some days are difficult, we are happy and a team. Even facing the unknown with Haven and Ryan's mom, I know we can deal with it and we will be okay. Hope is a great feeling.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Salsa...

Nothing tastes as wonderful as fresh salsa. I roasted a bunch of our small yellow pear tomatoes from the backyard with some CSA garlic. Then I chopped a small onion, two of our jersey tomatoes, fresh cilantro and some jalapeno. It is taking everything I have not to eat it all up, but alas, it is for tomorrow's dinner.

Such a busy day!

I always hold out hope that Saturday will be a quiet at home day, but it never happens.

Britt had soccer pictures at 9:15 this morning and then an 11 o'clock game. We came home, I fed the kids lunch and the kids picked the garden. We got another huge haul of tomatoes, both the yellow pear and the jersey, as well as the last of the carrots and a cucumber! So I had a counter full of produce, so I put a bunch of the yellow pear tomatoes in with some garlic to roast. I figure they will make a nice salsa tomorrow to go along with the tortilla soup I have planned. Then I decided to start dinner, which is homemade mac and cheese and cucumber and tomato salad. Then, because I don't have enough to do, I made a chocolate pudding pie with a Nilla wafer crust for dessert. Since I need to run out to the store this evening, I will grab some cream and make fresh whipped cream for the pie. I have four more assignments to grade, a paper to write, a ton of laundry to wash and fold and a house to clean. If I can just get the grading done soon, I can dust, switch laundry and vacuum before dinner, and while the family eats, I can go to the store. See, never a light day!

Friday, September 12, 2008

My poor husband

He is on the phone with his mom, trying to help her make a good choice. She is falling apart, financially, emotionally and physically, and we keep trying to get her help. It hurts to hear him on the phone having to deal with this. He is such a good man, he is a kind and loving husband and father, a hard worker and just a great person. It hurts that he is feeling so much stress, between the issues with Haven and this, it is too much for one man, no matter how great.

Movie Night

The kiddos, Ryan and I are having movie night again. I find that in Friday nights the kids need some time with us and they really enjoy when we all snuggle up and watch a movie. I think Fridays will be family movie and game nights every week, and I am looking forward to winter nights with the fire going :)

Today I picked them up two new movies, and they chose this...



I LOVE this movie, so I hope they enjoy it too!

Hi ho hi ho

Today is a work day, and while I love teaching once I am there, getting up and going is tough. It is a gloomy day again, and all I want to do is curl up in my PJs and watch a movie. Needless to say, even if I was home all day, I wouldn't be lounging, the house always needs work and with my mom coming, I have some things to get ready. Thankfully, I know that once she is here, she will handle everything and will be happy to fold the mound of clean kids clothes I saved for her. Hopefully Ryan will do some basic straightening while I am gone, and if he is really trying, he will clean my bathroom for me!

Tonight we are taking the easy route, ordering in pizza and making it another movie night. I am looking forward to snuggling up on the couch, doing a little work, while surrounded by my favorite people. The kids don't know we are having another special night, so they will be excited when I tell them after I get home. So it will be dinner and baths, then popcorn and a movie. Fun family time :)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Too much Kool Aid

I have a ton of Kool Aid packets from certain deals I have been working at the grocery store. I decided to make some home made scented Play Doh and Maggie came to play with Grayson.

Look at all the fun they had!

video

Here's the thing.....

If you want to share your opinion, views, beliefs, I am more than happy to read, listen and consider BUT you have to also read, listen and consider my opinions, views and beliefs as well.

Talk all you want about what YOU think is right, just understand that it doesn't mean you are. People who cannot even entertain an opposing concept do not do so because they are so secure in their beliefs, they so so because they are close minded and fearful. I can honestly tell you that I 100% know what I believe and why. I can clearly elaborate to anyone who cares to listen (and that means actually listen and hear with respect) why I feel the way I do. I also can listen to and consider opposing beliefs, in fact, I really welcome hearing the how and why people believe what they do, sometimes I have even rethought my stance on something because the argument they made. However, hiding behind clearly skewed articles, a book of man's words or the preachings of your church will not convince me that those are your true feelings, those are other people's beliefs that you are hiding behind.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Just sitting

So today I feel like I haven't gotten much accomplished. I did get my work done, and dinner is cooking, so that is something. Britt decided she felt well enough for school and if she comes home OK she will go to her soccer game, which means Ry needs to drag everyone since I have work.

I switched laundry and did dishes, and took care of the kids who are home, but mostly, I sat here.

Here is the thing, all jokes aside, I am scared. I am sacred to be hoping that all Haven has is seizures. I am scared that something may be really wrong. I am scared of the medication, side effects and what it means for my girl. Life with Haven is always a roller coaster, and we have been here before, waiting, watching and knowing that there could be one horrible outcome and one not great outcome, and it never gets easier and we have always been lucky.

I can't cry today, she is home. I cry when she isn't, or last night when my husband walked out the door and I heard it close, I stood in my dark kitchen and actually let the bad thoughts in, I cry then.

Please.....just hope for the not so bad for us, let us be lucky again.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Life gets messy.....

So this is where we are at right now.

Haven is beginning her anti seizure meds tonight. She will need to stay home from school tomorrow so I can see how she reacts to the medication. Brittan is sick, a bad cold, fever, cough and headache. Poor kid :( She will have to stay home tomorrow as well because of the fever.

My mom is coming on Monday, which I appreciate since we have so much going on, and I need some help keeping up on the house work and laundry, plus I need someone to watch Gray for me.

Ryan has taken off on Monday and Tuesday. Haven will have her MRI on Tuesday, they will knock her out which will make this bearable. She can't eat before hand, so I am sure she will be starving when she wakes up. Wednesday, we will see how Haven is, she will have to be off her meds, so she may have a hard time. Weds night she needs to stay up all night as Thursday she has a sleep deprived EEG at Children's Hospital.

Needless to say, I am a bit of a mess. Throw in work times two, school, three kids and a house, and it is a bit overwhelming. As always, I know we have love and support and we can weather any storm, I just wish there was no storm today.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Haven

I love my oldest daughter, I love her deeply and thoroughly and painfully. She can make me crazy in an instant, but we have a special bond. Part of what makes us so close is her health. There are so many people out there who have sick children, really sick children, and every day I wonder how they do it. Our story is quite different, Haven has no disorder, we have no plan or expectations, she just keeps having one thing after another. I joke that I want to go to a specialist and have nothing be wrong, but truthfully, I would love that as it has never happened. In her eight years, Haven has had a pediatric gastroentrologist, pediatric cardiologist, two pediatric allergists, two pediatric neurologists, an orthopedist as well as the standard pediatricians and dentists. currently we are awaiting final diagnosis of the seizures, but while we wait, her behavior is getting more bizarre and I am watching the kid I love and who makes me crazy slip away. She is not herself, she is acting strange and is horribly explosive. She scares me, I am afraid she will hurt herself, and I have real reason to worry. Tonight, my beautiful girl, who loves her long, blond hair, cut a huge section out. She went, got scissors and cut it off and then went back to what she was doing. When her father saw, and he asked, he said she then realized what she had done and was upset. That is not like my girl, she won't even let me trim her hair.

Now tomorrow, I will send her to school, trying to disguise the blatant bald spot. I will call the neurologist to see if there are other tests she needs. I will call the school nurse and explain her erratic behaviour and ask that they watch her. I will call the teacher and ask for a conference. I will then cry.

Two nights in a row

my kids have INHALED dinner. They have never been big dinner eaters, so this is new. Last night I made homemade sauce with Italian sausage, wheat pasta, salad and bread. Grayson had three servings of pasta and sauce and two of salad, the girls had two servings of pasta/sauce and salad! It must have been the tomatoes, fresh from our backyard.

Tonight I was really nice and cooked taco meat, sliced tomatoes and lettuce and pulled out the chips. The kids made their own nachos, but I made sure it was mostly meat and salad. Again, two helpings per kid!

We'll have to see what happens tomorrow, I was thinking of roast chicken so I can use the leftovers for spiced chicken....we will see.

Update on faith

So, we made it out the door, all looking decent and early to boot! I wasn't positive where the church was, so I appreciated the extra time. We made it there and everyone was very welcoming! They introduced us to the pastor, showed the kids where RE classes are and so many people came up to say hello. Aside from Grayson getting bored and distracted at the end,and me having to drag him out from under a chair where he was kicking his sister, it went well. I will be happy to go back next week, send the kids to RE and meet some of the people. I also love that they serve coffee during the mass, that's my kind of church!

Haven says she is so excited and wants to join the youth choir, so I think they will make great friends here.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

A sense of faith

It seems to be in the air, but there seems to be a need for a sense of faith. I have struggled long and hard since having children with how to supply them with faith. I was raised Catholic, and for me, that religion was not the best choice. We have tried a few faiths on for size, and none matched with what I felt was my faith. No details needed, but I hope that the church I am going to tomorrow is one in which I find comfort, and my children learn what they believe. I decided they needed religious education, so all three will start classes next week, and I hope to use this opportunity to meet new people and cement my beliefs. Hubby even agreed to come home early from work next week to help me see the little ones off to their first class, I have some concerns about Grayson.

The best news is, that when I checked on the service focus for tomorrow, I found that it is a multi-generational service, so the kids will be welcomed and comfortable. This will make it easier, since I will be alone and wrangling them. Now if I can get us all up, dressed, fed and out the door by 9:15, I will be thrilled!

Stressed

Our house flooded earlier this year and I am worried that it will happen today with Hanna coming over us. We haven't had the extra cash to regrades the backyard, and when we have serious rain, we get the runoff from the surrounding properties. I will be on edge until the storm passes tonight.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Such a treat!

So I have been busy, busy but tonight I got a rare indulgence, and very long, mostly uninterrupted, perfect call with my oldest, bestest girlfriend Chelle!


The kids were off having movie night with Ryan, and she and I got to talk about everything,work, marriage, family and kids. She is a new bride, and a new step-mom, so there was lots of good chatting to be had!

What a wonderful treat to indulge in catching up, connecting and feeling loved. Love you Chelle!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

So early again

I am not sure what is wrong with me, but I went to bed at about 1 am and was wide awake at 6! Good thing Grayson was up too, so I had a good reason to get out of bed and come downstairs. Poor hubby never made it to sleep yesterday afternoon due to his family drama, and then I had to go to work, so I am going to let him sleep while I get the girls off to school. Secretly I am hoping that if I let him get some sleep, he will put my garbage disposal in this afternoon and help me fold laundry :)

On another note, I heard parts of Palin's speech. Her voice is weird and reminded me of someone on Saturday Night Live, anyone else? She did do a great job, not getting my vote, but kudos to her...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Four year olds are fun

Gray made my day today. We are having a crummy day, lots of extended family drama, Grayson put the biggest smile on my face.

This morning I sang him Fried Ham-Fried Ham, Fried Ham cheese and bologna, after the macaroni we'll have onions, pickles and peppers, then we'll have some more fried ham! Holdover from Brownie Days!

He thought that was the funniest thing ever, especially when I sang in a crazy voice.

So then he decided to sing me some silly songs, and he was so cute! Then he told me the next song would freak me out, he said "fweek" and that song had a big ending :)

Then he told me that he had a band and that their names were Rock Boy and Rockie and they played the bologna. He was so funny and made his mama smile!

Something has to give

Soooooo

I woke up around 5 am having a panic attack, nice little nap I got there. I am very stressed, I am always stressed around this time, and while I logically understand that what is stressing me will get better in a few months, still stressed.

Then husband forwards me an email from his aunt, about his mom and brothers. I am not quite sure what she wants us to do, they are a walking timebomb, a wreck, but we can't fix it. We have tried all we can, but for some reason she feels it is Ryan's job...hmm, it's not. So more stress for me and hubby and I just feel really bad for him.

Then we find out that his OT won't be in Friday's check. Swell. Not like I needed it....so now I had to rearrange the bills. Damn I hate September.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The first day!

The girls had their first day of school, and everything was terrific! Two smiling girlies came off the bus and had loads to tell me, new friends, new teachers and a fun day overall. I am happy that they had a great day, and hope we fall into the swing of things soon.

I was also able to schedule Haven's EEG today. We go September 18th, and Emily said she could watch Grayson so Ryan and I could both go. That will be a relief as having to drive to Children's Hospital after keeping Haven up all night and watching them induce a seizure might be too much for one mama to do alone.

Monday, September 1, 2008

More to say

No more political or religious stuff, I remember why I usually keep my beliefs quiet (not with you Em).

So I am really, really tired. I am not sure why, maybe the going to bed late caught up with me, or maybe I am coming down with something. I am just so exhausted, and it really stinks since I have so much to do!

At least dinner is cooked and the kid's cookies are made. I need to do the dishes and fill out all of the paperwork for tomorrow. Then the girls and I have to make their lunches, and we are ready for school!

More randomness

See what happens when I sit to finally eat lunch...hint, that could have been the wooziness since I don't eat breakfast and didn't eat much dinner last night.

So, while eating and surfing, I saw the report on Palin's daughter. I don't like to talk politics too much, with too many people, as I find that most are unwilling to even consider an opposing viewpoint. I have no designated party, and I am liberal on a lot of topics.

Anywho, I am confused by the fact that McCain knew that Palin's daughter was pregnant and somehow felt it was in line with his message. My main issue is that from my understanding of most Christian, conservative, Republicans, that sex before marriage is a no-no, that getting pregnant before marriage is a no-no, that having an abortion is a no-no. What confuses me is that this young lady did two out of the three no-no's, but we are praising her and her mother? Now, I know that girls have sex before marriage, get pregnant and get abortions, and I am okay with it and accept it. I won't condemn my girls if any of those took place, would I be scared, sad and worried, yes, but I won't tell them that any of those choices are wrong.

I am just surprised that it is preached not to have sex and get pregnant because it is wrong, but then we praise her for not having an abortion, and getting married at 17? Is it ok if they get divorced when they are 20 because they were way too young for everything that happened? I am not saying that I think she should have an abortion or that she doesn't deserve support, I think it is great her family is standing behind her. I am just confused on why it is ok to break some rules, but not others.

You'd think I have nothing to do

with the amount of posts today. Truth be told, all the time I am not blogging, I am doing. I swear I am that OCD and that anxious of a person, hence the ribbing yesterday when I said I would sit and watch a WHOLE movie. I can't do it!

Anyway, a thought crossed my mind a few minutes ago while chopping carrots. I was looking at the pile, and in it were just a few perfect little carrots. They looked just like the ones from the store, orange, plump and straight. The thing is, there were only a few, maybe four or five, in the whole pile of at least 50 carrots. The rest of the bunch taste great, beautifully sweet, but they all look a little funny. Some are really stubby, some are bumpy, lots are crooked, and a few had two heads! When cutting the carrots to be blanched and frozen, I thought, wow, they are just like people! You have a very small group that look perfect, and the rest are a bit bumbly and different. The thing is, people expect the same from their veggies as other people. They only want the pretty ones,the perfect ones.

Those perfect veggies are dolled up,genetically modified and hybrid and not nearly as delicious as the kooky ones from the backyard. People are the same, the perfect ones are the select few, and the rest that "look" perfect are modified.

We should take a lesson from the backyard grower, the veggies make not look perfect, but they are just as good, if not better, than the fakey fake ones at the store. Same goes for people, love your bumpies and offshoots and differences!

Feeling woozy

So, I did the dishes, got the kids dressed and we went and got the CSA. When I got home, I had around 400 million tomatoes from the CSA and the garden, so I decided to go ahead and get them peeled and frozen. Then I peeled the 12 ears of corn and got the peels in the compost. The kids pulled around25 carrots, those will need to be washed and blanched and frozen. The kids needed lunch, and while making their grilled cheeses, I started to feel really tired. This wasn't normal tired, this was the fall down on the floor and pass out and sleep for hours tired. Then it hit, the nausea and the weak feeling. Thankfully, the kids are eating and I am taking a few minutes for a break. Then I will go back and peel the last few tomatoes and get them in the freezer, and blanch the carrots. I also HAVE to make the girls cookies today and I really need to make sure I can seal the counters tonight. Not to mention work, filling forms out for the girls, dinner, laundry and general upkeep. Hopefully it will get easier when the girls go back to school!

CSA, Cookies and more!

Tomorrow school starts, and like any big event, we have to have all of the hoopla leading up to it! This morning the kiddos and I will go pick up the CSA and hubby has been kind enough to stop at the store on his way home for the onions I forgot. Then we are home to make cookies for the first day, it has become a tradition. I also must finish scrubbing the counters with a wire brush so I can reseal the counter tops and FINALLY put my kitchen back together!

The girls have their outfits all picked out, school supplies were dropped off last week and lunches will be packed up tonight. Tomorrow, we will walk to the bus stop, and for the first year, they will ride the bus to school the first day. This is also the first year, they will ride both ways, except the mornings Grayson has school, then I will have to drop them off so I have time to haul him across town.

In light of Haven's recent diagnosis, I will need to write a note to her teacher explaining where we are in the process of getting her condition confirmed, and I will also need to meet with the school nurse. As a kid with food allergies, if she had a grand mal seizure at school they would probably believe it was her food allergy and give her her epi. Now that we know....we can avoid problems.