Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Long days and waiting games

It has been a long day, and tomorrow cannot come quick enough. The kids and I started off OK, but then Haven was acting up before we were set to leave for the movies, and that necessitated a big talk, and tears, etc. We got on our way, and headed to the movies. Moves was good, kids behaved, and I was very happy that I made them wear long pants and bring sweatshirts because it was really chilly again! After lunch, we headed to lunch, enjoyed that, stopped at the store where I bought them a few treats to have here since we are heading into being home a lot. Then we came home, and I explained that I am exhausted and need some down time.....it didn't happen. There were fights, and general bad choices, and messes made and then the mama had a breakdown. I had a breakdown so bad that we needed to wake Ryan up to come downstairs and deal with the children. I think the lats few days of him working OT, the dishwasher stress, the pregnancy, etc is just wearing me down. He is home tomorrow night through Friday night, works Saturday, then is off until Tuesday and works through Friday. He is switching schedules next week so it is a bit screwy! While I am happy that after tonight it should only be about 5 more work nights for him until the baby, I am so excited he will be here tomorrow. The house is very clean and orderly, but I need his help with a few more projects before the baby comes, and just having some back up for a few days will help.

Thursday I see the doc and I hope he will settle on a date for me. If the baby chooses to come on her own, she needs to do so tomorrow or Friday, or Sunday or Monday, or she needs to wait until after the 10th!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Summer suppers

I had to post a picture of the start of tonight's supper, it was just so pretty! This is the salad, all came from either our garden or the CSA and includes an assortment of greens, kohlrabi(tastes like a mild radish), purple pole beans, tomatoes and cucumbers. The salad all comes from within 15 miles.

I am grilling a flank steak to go on top, it s from our beef we order which is bred in Maryland, I would guess within 50 miles or so. I made bread as well, not local sourced, but homemade! I love summer!!

Cramming it all in

I am trying to get as much as I can done each day to make it easier once the baby comes. Today the kids and I headed off to that big huge box store that has everything, you know the Wal one-I hate that store. We had to get a dish drainer, but also managed to grab a plastic bin to use in the sink when washing the dishes, new curtains for the girls room, curtain rods, a new air filter, a cool over the door hamper thing for the baby's clothes and some other odds and ends. We then made our way to grab the CSA and received a lot of summer veggies including beans, squash, tomatoes and cukes. Tomorrow I promised the kids a movie and lunch out, being that we may get one more week in before the new addition.

I came home, made lunch for the kids and did the dishes....much easier with the drain and bin! I also made the bread for tonight's dinner, and plan to grill a nice flank steak to serve over salad....yum. We did some cleaning, I folded a bunch of clothes, kids cleaned the foyer and upstairs and we got the garden watered. I see a few lone tomatoes and beans out there, as well as a few teeny tiny cukes starting. The husband has to go and weed this week, or I fear the weeds will take over my little garden! I hope to see some jumps in growth given we have a week of sun...the poor garden is struggling this year!

All I have left is one more paper to write, and then I am done with school for awhile. I will be on maternity leave until 8 weeks after the baby is born...what will I do with myself!


We slept GREAT! I woke up at 8:30 and I *think* Brittan had been up a little while but she never bothered me. Haven and Grayson slept until almost 9! I only woke twice during the night, and given that most nights it is hourly, I actually feel rested. I know the schedule will change when the baby comes, but with all my others, I was able to nurse early in the am and have the baby sleep until 8 am at least...I loved that. Sometimes I get up early and come downstairs and let the baby sleep down here, sometimes I sleep, but I love that option!

Today we are leaving the house to run some errands this morning. I need to go get a dish drain, and some paper plates. It pains me to use paper, but given the dishwasher situation and the pregnancy, there is only so much I can do and the environment loses on this one. I promise i won't get Styrofoam! In addition to the paper plates and dish drain, I need a new air filter for the furnace, a laundry bag for the baby to keep her stuff separate, and a few other odds and ends. Then the crew and I will head off to grab CSA...looks like we are getting more summery veggies, so we are getting into the best time of the year! Being that my garden is usually a few weeks to a month behind the CSA, I am anxious to get into the season if grabbing from the garden. Our beans look great and are starting, we have some tomatoes on the plants, so they are working away. Cucumber plants are still a tad small, but have flowers, so I am hopeful. Squash and zucchini plants are huge and full of blooms, but we have had this happen in the past and only ever gotten male flowers and no fruit. Carrots, onions and garlic look good, and lettuce is filling in. I hope to get Ryan in the garden this week to weed for me, I am just too enormous to be squatting out there!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Getting Excited

Less than 3 weeks and this new baby should be here. I cannot wait to meet her, to see her face, her toes, her eyes, and hold her close to my heart. While I know the time will pass quickly, being that I already have a house full of kids and responsibilities, I am looking ahead and getting so very excited. Everything here is ready, I am ready, the kids are ready, we just need Teagan to join us.

The downside

to having to wash dishes by hand is that you don't want to use too many dishes. Now I like to cook, better yet, I LOVE to cook most days, and having to deal with the resulting dishes is not making me happy. However, if that is the worst side effect, I guess we will live.

On the plan for today.....

I need to make some more flannel baby wipes, vacuum, do some laundry and general upkeep. Girls are going to a soccer thing with the neighbors, Gray and I will hang here and make two pumpkin breads. Dinner is BBQ chicken, mashes taters and turnips, salad. Tomorrow I hope to make corn fritters and chili....can we all say YUM????

Hubby is bringing home bagels, not NY quality, but they are from and actual bagel store and not too shabby. If I had thought of it, I would have grabbed a dozen at Wegman's, theirs are really good. We need to get bagels on the weekly rotation, the whole family enjoys them, and I know the kids will eat them for lunch today with yogurt and fruit and have full bellies. Easy peasy....and can be served on paper plates!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Life is nothing if not interesting

So...the repair guy came back...with the fuse....and it still wouldn't work. He was perplexed, I was annoyed. Seems he could never figure out the problem, took out the new circuit board and handed me back the check we had written for the service call. Hmmm. Well, I guess it isn't getting fixed! It is really not that bad, we have just stayed on top of washing the dishes, so it never gets backed up. The plan, as it stands right now, is to do nothing (except the dishes by hand) until after the baby comes. I found a cheap GE dishwasher that would be ok, but the earliest delivery date is the week the baby is set to come....I don't need that stress. Plus, if Ryan ends up having to work through that one week in July, he will get three full days of OT...that is a load of cash. If he does that, we may go ahead and splurge on another really nice dishwasher...because we liked the one we had and it was the deep tub style with all the buttons and delayed start, etc. Time will tell which is the right choice, but for now, hand washing until the baby is born...god we suffer ;)

We also had a really fun night tonight. The end of year party for Haven's Girl Scout troop was tonight at the local pool, and all the kids we invited. They had so much fun, and are super tired to boot! It was really nice to get them out for fun and to actually talk to other grownups. Ryan couldn't come since he had to work tonight, but it was still really fun and I was excited for the kids to see their friends. Good times, and now I am beat as well, so off to bed!

Ooooo get me away from here I'm DYING

Last night all I wanted was a quiet night on the couch with my husband. I was tired, in pain and had been up since 3 am, and I just wanted to veg for a bit. Finally around 8 the kids were heading to bed, and we were going to settle in....then it happened. A freak, enormous thunderstorm formed over our town....and stayed over us in the deep red, for 2 1/2 hours!

I panicked that we would flood again, even with the gate open, given it rained so hard, for so long. Just when we would think it was ending, it came back! It was a really long couple of hours waiting to see if we were going to flood and waiting to see if the storm would ever move away....not good stress. I have just about had it with Virginia weather, it is by far the worst I have ever endured. I live in SC and while we had nightly storms, they came and went. In NY we rarely had really bad storms, other weather, but not these really scary storms.

Needless to say....we are in full force move mode. Our housing value is slooooooooowly creeping up. My hope is that by this time next year the house value will equal what we owe. We will then try to rent the house for a year while it *hopefully* keeps gaining value and we would like for me to find a job in NY. We would need to rent at least a year, until either we gained enough equity in this house to sell or to use to put a deposit on another house in NY. I am not worried about finding a job, I am more worried about renting this house out and working out all the details.....little does my father in law know, we may descend on him for a month or two while we get on our feet....bet he will LOVE that!

I have to say for the first time in a long time I feel at peace with the idea of moving back to LI. While we cannot have a farm which is my real dream, we may be able to have a cabin upstate at some point. I want to be somewhere where we have help and support, we really have nothing holding us here, and while my inlaws are not my favorite people, they will pick a kid up or babysit occasionally if asked. Ryan also has a ton of friends left on LI, so we have them for support too....not to mention the good pizza, chinese food and beaches!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Pain Pain Pain

The repair guy did not come back today...he needed to order the fuse....I am annoyed.

On another note, I am in ridiculous amounts of pain today. I woke up about 3 am with contractions and they have been off and on all day. Kids and I went to the store and to get milk, and by the time I got home, I was really dying. They are better now that I have sat for awhile, but now I just feel like crap since I am tired and sore. This kid had better stay put until July 10th, then she can decide to make her appearance!

Yeah....not what we thought

So the repair guy was here last night, and it was not the cheapo repair we thought. In fact, it still isn't fixed since he replaced all the wiring and the control panel and then sees the fuse to the motor is blown. He is bringing a fuse today, and if that works we will get away with only having to pay what a cheap new dishwasher would cost. If the motor is blown...and that would really suck since the dishwasher is not that old.....we simply cannot afford to fix it right now and we will be washing dishes pioneer style. In the scheme of things, not the worst thing to ever happen to us, but it does seem like we have had a lot of really rough breaks recently. I am thankful we can afford the repair if it is just the things we know of, although it will make us a touch strapped for the next few weeks.....which leads me to.....

The joy of pantry cooking!
One of the reasons I have an entire room dedicated to a pantry is because I remember times in college and early in our marriage when we couldn't afford to buy food. Having many little mouths to feed, I need to always know I have plenty of food on hand. We may not have extra cash that week for fun stuff, but they will get to eat. My mudroom is our pantry and there are two big shelving units plus an extra full sized fridge and upright freezer. They aren't packed, but they are plenty full of food options, and being that I am known for shopping on the cheap (7 big boxes of name brand cereal for $8 bucks this week) I can supplement as we go. Now here is the thing, we have money for the next few weeks, probably more than enough, but whenever I get stressed about money, I dig in my heels and start to use what is on hand. So some of my favorites that we will use this week include.

Steel cut oats, they are DIRT cheap and filling. I can get a pound for under $2 bucks and to feed the entire family we only use a cup and a half. I add raisins, apples, etc to the oats and everyone is very happy.

Cereal, I can always find cereal on the cheap, but my family eats a ton of it. The kids can easily go through two big bowls for breakfast, so while I can find great deals on healthy choices (like Kashi) they can kill a box a morning! However, overall it is not a bad deal when you pay $2 or less per box. Milk is expensive here since I get it from the farm, but it is worth it. Plus Gray uses rice milk, not cheap, but necessary.

Eggs and toast, eggs are really inexpensive, even when I buy the ones at the farm they are only $3 a dozen. The kids eat about half a dozen at breakfast and I give them toast and sometimes yogurt and fruit with it. Bread is homemade or store bought whole wheat, I always have some in the freezer. Yogurt is from the farm, but we buy it by the quart, so it isn't too expensive. Fruit is mostly home canned or fresh and local.

We get creative here. Quesadillas are a favorite, and I buy my cheese in 9 lb bags! The kids also like sandwiches, even PB&J, yogurt with fruit and soft pretzels, cheese and crackers, leftovers, homemade pizzas, etc. We use up whatever we have for lunch, and sometimes it is just a mish mash of choices. The best part about lunch is you can use up odds and ends.

Here is the thing, we eat well. We buy our beef from the farm, so it is really good beef. Right now we still have a bunch on hand, but we will need to place an order in the fall, so I am really hoping the hubby gets some serious OT since it costs about $500 out of pocket and we are spoiled! I also buy chicken when on sale, so we have an assortment of items. This week we are trying to use up odds and ends. One item I have in there is frozen honey ham and a ham bone. This will make two meals at least, and this week I plan to use the ham bone. I think tonight we wll have navy beans made with the ham bone, salad and homemade bread. I am not sure we can get any cheaper than that! We also use what comes in the CSA and build off of that, simple summer meals can be grilled veggies, steak salad, BBQ chicken and veggies, etc. On item that will make our menu this week is BBQ chicken with corn on the cob since it is so cheap right now. I will buy extra, use the corn to make corn fritters and we will have chili later in the week.

So now that you are bored, I am off to finish making breakfast for the tribe.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dishwasher Update

So after looking around at new dishwashers and being really disappointed since we paid extra last time for the deeper one with all the extras, we decided to look into repair. All our research shows it is either the door latch or a fuse...or so we hope. Scheduled someone to come, but they couldn't be here until next Wednesday, and the service charge was $70 and they would apply it to the repair. Made the appointment, Ryan washed the dishes, and we figured we would just have to suck it up for a week. Then I decided to call a few more places and hooray, found someone to come out tonight, their service charge is only $50 and they will apply it to the repair AND they have a $40 off any repair coupon! So if it is what we think, we may get away with a repair of under $100! Fingers crossed!

Grafeful and Unhappy

I feel like everytime I turn around, something that costs a ton of money breaks. Today...the dishwasher died. This is the dishwasher we put in 5 years ago and spent a lot of money on. Now, here is the grateful part....I CAN afford a new dishwasher if need be, not a great one, but one that works, it would make us a little tight the next few weeks, but we would be OK. I also CAN afford to have the service man is coming out next week to look at the dishwasher and if possible, he will fix it for less than the cost of the new dishwasher and it will be quicker than waiting until mid-July for delivery. However, I am tired of stuff breaking, tired of thinking we are ahead and that we have a little extra for the fun stuff, and tired of the stress. The baby is coming so soon, couldn't I get a reprieve? OK, off to get a dish drain and more dish towels, the kids will be learning the proper way to wash dishes beginning tonight!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

OB update

Saw the midwife today and we had fun identifying what position the baby was in. I won with head down in my right hip, butt on left side. She does go head down, head down in the evenings when I head to bed, but backs up some during the day. Midwife said hold the baby in one more week and we are good to go, but I am not worried about her staying put at this point. I really need her to stay until July 10th since Ryan has a huge switch over week at work from July 4-10th. I am going to try to convince the OB next week to do the amnio on the 13th and section on the 14th.....but normally they do scheduled sections on Fridays and that Friday is Brittan's birthday. Hopefully next Thursday we will have a more definitive plan, and I will be able to know when Teagan is joining us.

On another note, the midwife suggested again that I get my tubes tied during the section, but I just cannot bring myself to do it....it seems so final, and slightly weird to end fertility while giving birth. I think I will wait a few months after she is born, and then if I am still sure we are done, I will go ahead with the Essure procedure.

Thankful for downtime

Oh what a long night it was. I was having stress coupled with a bad headache, complicated by kids being awake. Let's just say I would be lucky if all the sleep added up to 3 hours. Now normally I am not one for downtime, and since PT school is off for summer, and FT school is off for the next three weeks, and my classes are winding down, I actually have some downtime. Today I have things to do, including a trip to the OB, but I don't have a ton to do as normal. I may even make the kids let me nap this afternoon....we will see how it goes. I do want them to understand that when the baby is born, there will be days when I need an hour to doze on the couch....and they will need to let me!

So, today this is what I hope to accomplish. I need to get a batch of bread going, it is easy enough to mix and stick in the fridge. I will need to vacuum the house, and I want to mop all the floors...and I plan to have the little flexible people help with the corners and edges. Dishes will need to be done later in teh day, for now they are clean. I am already watering the garden, somehow it stopped raining long enough for me to need to water. Laundry needs to be switched, and the girls need to fold a basket of clothes (still no dirty laundry in the house!) I want to try to make tortillas today, dinner is planned (baked chicken alfredo for the kids and steaks, slaw and pasta salad for the grownups) I have the doctor at 4 and I need to write a quick little paper. Seems like a lot, but it really isn't too bad and if anything gets skipped, it is not a crisis. I am also going to set up the slip and slide for the kids this afternoon as a reward for the work they will do this morning :)

The best thing is....HUBBY is off tonight!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Throw it in a pot and see what comes out

Two posts back to back...you would think I have nothing to do!

Well, while going through the CSA pick up from yesterday, I had a dilemma. See, sometimes we end up with stuff we don't know what to do with, or there is too little of it. This week we have a few squash and zucchini, not enough for the whole family for dinner, but enough for fried zucchini tomorrow with lunch. We also have a kolhrabi and I have the turnips from last week, those will become a slaw of sorts tomorrow when I add in shallots and carrots...hopefully it will taste good! We also got a small handful of broccoli and that was where dinner began tonight.

I had a plan for the kids for tonight, but needed something for Ryan and I. He also needs dinner for work, so I had planned on either pierogies for work or a sandwich, his choice. I then had to make us something for real dinner so I began looking around. Well I had some leftover roast chicken, and some leftover squash, zucchini and tomatoes. I figured those, with the broccoli would make a decent stew. Right now in the pot is some green onion, half the leftover squash/zucc/tomato mixture and the broccoli stems. When cooked through, I will puree, add the broccoli tops, rest of the squash/zucc/tom mixture, the diced chicken and some orzo...also some liquid, either water or tomato juice. I also have a ton of herbs on hand that will go in, some fresh garlic and of course some hot sauce! This should make a really hearty stew for Ryan and I with leftovers for lunch tomorrow, and most of what I had was on hand! This is by far my favorite way to cook, you just toss it in a pot and see what comes out. Along with our stew, we can have some of my homemade bread...hearty, healthy, local and fresh....oh and CHEAP and EASY!

My baby is back home....and our power company bites

OK, first the good stuff. Britt, Gray and I went to see The Tale of Despereaux today at the free movies. There was almost no one there,and besides the kids being freezing due to their lack of body fat and the sweatshirts they forgot, it was fun. We are going to try to see one of the free movies a week because they are nearby and well...free. Then we headed down to the new Wegman's and it was PACKED! I hated every second of being there just due to the masses of people, it was like a weekend, and we all know I try not to go out on weekends! We somehow made it through, and I am hopeful that our next trip will be better once all the hype settles and people stop shopping mid-week. Fed the kids some sandwiches I had brought with is in the car and we skipped the farm since Farmer Ben called and told us the milk wouldn't be in today. Headed south to grab Haven and we were so excited to see her! My poor parents then had to turn around and drive 5 hours back home, but that was because they didn't want me to drive too far in my current condition. My mom was further alarmed when she saw how low the baby had dropped just in the last few days, I am just hoping to make the next week and a half so they won't stop labor.

On to the stupid power company. All I want to say is...they screwed with rates over the summer and we had horrible bills. We put some of the extra on a payment plan and I guess in April my payment was a few buck shy...maybe like $3? So they dropped the payment plan and sent me a ridiculous bill that they said needed to be paid in full next week! Needless to say, I have juggled as much as I can, and the bill will be paid, but they still really, really bite.

So that is that, I am just waiting for the baby to be born and once she is here, we will begin the big time new job search for me....the piddly pay of academia is getting old and stressful, and I am finding something else. We will make it work to keep the kids out of daycare, that I know for sure, but I really need to feel more stable. Being that I work so many hours, you would think I was pulling in the big bucks, but I am not and the sacrifice in pay just to be home more is not worth it. Maybe we will get lucky and Ryan will get to stay home for a few years.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The princess returns

Tomorrow morning, Britt and Gray and I will venture out to the free family movie. I will then feed them something, and if time allows, we will go get the milk and do a quick Wegman's shop at the new store. Then we are off to get Haven. My parents are driving her most of the way, we only need to go about an hour south, and then the princess will be back home where she belongs. I have to say, these last few days without her have made me miss her quite a bit...it has been really quiet! When we get back home, I will break out the new slip and slide if the weather permits and they can play together while I make dinner. Hopefully we will be able to get some good old fashioned family time in before the newest member joins us.

The plan

Today the kids and I have a few things to take care of. I already washed all the baby's woolies and lanolized them, they are drying as we speak. I have another load of laundry to switch and then we are back down to NO dirty clothes in the house. There are a few bags of clothes that need to go to Goodwill, we need to pick up the CSA and I want to try to clean out the car to get it ready to be vacuumed. Later this afternoon, Brittan has dance, so I need to figure out how I can occupy Grayson while there and still manage to have something for everyone to eat for dinner. Hopefully we will get loads done today, because tomorrow Britt and Gray and I are off early to the movies, then to get the milk and do the Wegman's run and then to get Haven :)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Friends and funkiness

I had a call from an old friend today, and by old friend I mean we have been friends since 7th grade. She has hit a rough patch and I am worried about her. She is by far one of the best people I know, and if I could catch a flight to be with her today, I would. I am just thankful she is in my life, and when I hit hard times in my marriage, she was here for me the next day. I know she understands I cannot run there now, but that I am a phone call away any time of day.

On a completely unrelated subject...what the heck is the baby doing in there today? I have only had my water break once when i was in labor with Brittan at the hospital, but given the weirdness I have going on today, I wouldn't be at all shocked if it happened. If it did happen today, it would suck since all my back up is away and my parents have Haven down in NC! Well there is always my babysitter who lives next door, and in a pinch one of her parents or siblings could come and sit with the kids until my parents got here 10 hours later!

For my husband

Today is Father's Day and while I am known to complain and whine about things a lot, I also need to point out some of the best things in my life....my husband and children.

When Ryan and I got pregnant with Haven we were young....really young! I was just 24 Ryan was turning 24 later in the year. I was working at a job I hated and Ryan was just trying to get his career off the ground, and we lived in a really crummy apartment. Somehow, through that pregnancy, we weathered a lot of storms. Ryan got his first "real" job, we got new and better cars, and we prepared for the newest addition...oh and we got married, a few times :)

Through the years, we have really grown up together. He has changed so much, and all of that change came for his family. He is a hard worker, and has always tried to provide the best for us. He is the "fun" parent, always willing to chase kids, rough house and tickle them. He is also a good example of dedication, as we have had more than our fair share of ups and downs, and he has stuck by this family and tried to always do the right thing for us.

As we get close to welcoming our fourth child, we have discussed where our lives are going and where we want to end up. He wants what is best for all of us, and is always willing to make the changes and adaptations needed to make that happen. I know, every day, that he loves us and is thankful for the family and life we have built, but what he doesn't know is that without him, we would never had made it this far. We love you Ryan, we appreciate all you do for us, and we are thankful you are ours.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

In the dumps

OK, so I have been in a foul mood lately. To be fair, I am really not sleeping, like at all...but still, I am pretty good at existing on no sleep. I am not sure what my problem is. I know I am a little stressed about getting this baby here safely given the recent events. I am also a bit off kilter with the change in routine...I am worse than a child when it comes to routine. Just when we will get the summer routine going, we will get thrown again by the birth, so that will be unstable all summer. I am really missing my husband when he is at work, which is weird since nothing has changed with his schedule, plus I think the lack or school for the girls is throwing me. My biggest concern is after the baby comes, since we will be home a lot and I will have no work and school....what the heck am I going to do???

My other issue is about the future. I have said before that we had a plan, but the housing market thing really trashed that plan. Right now, we are not sure what to do, but we need to start making changes soon. One idea is I find a new job here in VA that pays more and I can telecommute a few days a week, we will see how that goes. The other idea is that I may start looking for jobs up in NY late spring and if I get something good, the kids and I will go and Ryan will stay here until we can rent out the house. Then he will join us and be a stay at home dad for a few years, we will rent in NY for at least a year and then see if we can sell the house here and buy in NY. It would be a big change, me working FT and him being home, but it would be a nice change and we would able to take advantage of a few opportunities. Oh how I hate not having a definitive plan!

Trying to stay afloat

It is busier than I anticipated, and with the baby's birth being moved up, I feel like I am racing time! I had another really bad night last night, slept great until 2 am then was up until after 6, then slept until 8. I don't mind that schedule as much when I have a beautiful baby to look at, but with her still inside, I can only stare at the walls! Got up to a message from the place that had my car and was doing the inspection...I of course panicked that something was wrong, turns out I needed new wiper blades. Ryan ran into some serious trouble with the new TV stand...hopefully it will be fixed soon. Ran to the store, did some laundry, worked some and now need to start the sauce for dinner.

I am making stuffed cabbage for the first time...never liked it much growing up, but I have all the ingredients and wanted to try something different. I also have a little more work work to do, need to switch laundry, vacuum and get a few odds and ends done. I am hoping the rain will stay away tomorrow and I can take Britt and Gray to the park, but given the last few weeks, I am not sure we will be able to go, it may be too soggy. Monday is busy with CSA pick up and Brittan's dance class. Tuesday we will go to the free family movie, run to get milk and go to Wegman's then meet my parents a few hours away to pick up Haven. Wednesday I see my OB, then I will try to relax the rest of the week. Classes at FT school end on Monday, my classes end next weekend, so there is an light at the end of this tiring tunnel!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Been awhile

OK, so it has been awhile since I ranted about the mother in law....probably since I have had no contact with her since she left!

Anyway, I guess the husband called his parents when I went into pre-term labor to give them a heads up. His dad was very nice and Lori offered to come and help (GASP!) but we thanked them and declined :) I guess he left a message for his mom on the machine or with his brother and she finally called back two weeks later and left Ryan a message. She said that his brother forgot to tell her and that she guessed, GUESSED, that everything was OK since we didn't call back! Then she told Ryan that he should call back and that leaving one message wasn't enough, HE needs to keep trying to call HER! Um....wife in preterm labor, and then in potential heart failure.....yeah, he really should keep trying to call her!!! She does NOTHING, no job, no responsibilities, nothing...but he really should be spending all his time calling her back and hunting her down! Man she is a selfish bitch!

Thursday, June 18, 2009


My parents left today, and I am so thankful for all they did while here. Not only did my dad run me all over town on Monday while my mom kept the kids, but they also helped me get tons done at home. My mom did all the kid's laundry, organized the girl's dressers, pulled out the warm clothes and got it all in order. I was able to do the same for Grayson, so his stuff is all clean and neat as well. We ran some errands, stocked the house with food and managed to get the baby's stroller and car seat. I feel like we are almost ready for this baby to be born!

Still left to do-
Clean out car and move all the car seats around
Install the baby's seat base
Pack the hospital bag (being done tomorrow)
Wash the swing base-cover is already cleaned
Organize the master bedroom and make room next to bed for bassinet
Buy the drawers for the diapers and the garbage can for the cloth diapers
Relax and wait for the new baby!!

We are so close, if she stays put we have just over 3 weeks until they will evict her :)

Growing up

My oldest girl left today with my parents to visit for a few days. The other two kids are having a rough go of it, they MIIIIIISSSSSSS her! I have to admit that it is strange for her to be gone, and this will be the longest she will be away from me in nine years. While I know this is a right of passage, having my oldest 7 hours away without a parent is a new experience...and I will be happy to have her back under my wing on Tuesday!

The trouble with kids

See, when you are at the end of your pregnancy, every time you wake up in the middle of the night...you are WIDE awake, sort of your body's way of prepping for a newborn. However, when your three other kids are taking turns being awake all night long for the last five or six nights, it really screws with you! Last night I slept maybe 6 hours and it was by far the best night sleep I had in weeks. The nights prior resulted in less than 4 hours a night, many only two hours. Right now it is 4 in the morning, I have been up over an hour and slept less than three.....I won't go back to sleep I am sure. So another looooooong night. I cannot wait for the baby to be born just so I am so sleep deprived that I don't know any better!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A new day

I actually slept last night, and it felt good! While I think I slept about 6 hours, they were pretty straight through which is making me feel a heck of a lot better. Not to mention that my parents are taking the kids up to my sister's house today, so there may be a nap in there for me.

The last few days the realization that a new child is joining the family has become much more real. I walk around the house, and all her stuff is there. In my room, the bassinet and bouncer are waiting, there is a stroller and carseat in the foyer and a Pack n Play in the family room. We are almost there, and all the big tasks are nearing completion. The car needs to be cleaned out, and then we will install the new car seat in the next two weeks, and then we are actually all set. There are always smaller tasks that will take place after the baby comes, such as rearranging the cabinets to fit bottles, etc, but the big stuff is ready to go, and I am ready to meet the newest tribe member!

Summer break begins today and I am excited about having a fun summer, even if we are here in VA most of the time! We do have a trip in August to stay at a lakehouse with my parents, and now Ryan and I are in talks to head up north to NY for a visit if his dad will let us stay with him or pay for a hotel room for us. I am dreaming of a nice trip to NY, the kids always have fun, Ryan sees his friends, and I am hoping to actually fit a visit in with a few of mine! Plus there is the beach, and NY pizza and that feeling of being somewhere you just "know" We always talk of a return to NY, but Long Island and our lifestyle don't match up well. The cost of homes is high, and having a larger family, we need a bigger home. There is also the issue of land, lots where we grew up can be up to an acre, but finding 3-5 acres can be almost impossible. Plus I am not sure I want to do the whole NYC commute thing, and that is where the money is for me.

So much for a random rambling. I am excited to get the kids up in a few hours and hustle everyone out the door! I have a paper I need to complete, and some laundry and cleaning to do. Ryan is off from work tonight so I am really excited to spend some time with him as well.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Small shining lights

Well, it has been rough, but there are always small lights. My parents being here have been such a help...especially since I haven't been sleeping at all. Yesterday my mom kept Gray all day and was here for the girls, then took Brittan to dance for me. My father ran me all over so that I wasn't alone and I didn't need to drive myself, especially since I am so pregnant and tired. My mom has also been doing the kids laundry, organizing the girls clothes and generally just being a huge help to me. Right now, my parents are at the movies with all the kids which let me worry about cooking dinner and working.

This morning my mom and I went out to Target to grab some storage for Haven. I have been struggling to find a new car seat and stroller, there was one I really liked, but it cost more than I wanted to spend, and another I really liked that was on sale last week, but sold out in a day! While at Target, I said to my mom, let me just go look at what strollers they have right now and BEHOLD the stroller/car seat combo that was on sale last week for $118 (from $170) was clearanced to $83.48! There was one left and we grabbed it! I also have a 10% off any baby items coupon that I am going to bring back to get the difference back, so after taxes I paid under $80 for a brand new stroller and car seat combo! I loved the stroller, it folds really nicely and has a great parent tray. The car seat is one of the best rated, and it had wonderful reviews. It seems they were just clearing out the one pattern, and while it is a lot of blue, it won't show any stains and looks super comfy. Hooray, that was the LAST thing on my list!

Hanging in there

Yesterday was a long, long day, but thankfully my parents were here to help. My dad took me up to the hospital for my x-ray, then we had to wait at the OB's office for him to deliver a baby, tell me the x-ray report wasn't in yet and that my lungs sounded clear. My dad and I grabbed lunch and groceries at Wegman's, picked up the CSA and then came home to help my mom with all the kids. I also had to work and write papers, and then enjoyed yet another night of no sleep. I really need some sleep!

I am feeling better about the heart, and while we are still on watch for any unusual symptoms and I need to see the doctor often to be checked on, I think the baby and I will make it to and through delivery fine. This has all been very scary for me, because I look around and see the three kids that really need a healthy mom, not to mention the baby that is due to join the tribe.

So the OB's plan for the moment is to hopefully stay out of labor for 2 1/2 weeks, and if I go into labor then, we will have to have a c-section. If we make it 3 1/2 weeks, he wants to do an amnio to check lung function and then take the baby, so she will be born somewhere around 36-37 weeks we hope.

Sunday, June 14, 2009


what did we do to piss off the gods? We are good people, we are nice people, we try to always do the right thing. Let me sum up the last week for you.

1. Preterm Labor
2. Preterm Labor again
3. Put on the nasty meds
4. Have to miss business trip
5. Meds make me feel like garbage
6. Heart tests come back really, really, bad
7. Now need to have chest x-ray to test for heart failure
8. Take self OFF meds due to feeling like crappola
9. Husband goes into work early (we were happy with the OT) bwhahahaha
10. Car lands in woods on property at 8 pm
11. Torrential rains begin at 10:30 pm
12. Family room begins to flood
13. Very stressed and pregnant woman wades through the rain in the lightening to open the gate to move the water away
14. Cleans up the floor in the family room using every towel that had been washed and put away that same morning.
15. Police come at 12:20 to tell me that the truck is gone (good thing since it was in the creek and would have washed away) and that the kid who was driving was 18, graduated yesterday and drunk.....
16. Brittan looks like she has fifths disease.


On the bright side, and to see the positives.....IF the truck hadn't landed in the yard, then the kids wouldn't have still been up when the rain hit. While I was wading through the water to open the gate, my kids ran upstairs and got all the towels for me, saving me an extra trip upstairs while panicked. Then they helped me lay the towels and clean up the mess. If the truck hadn't landed there, I might have been in bed, and woken up to the flooded family room and probably playroom, which would have meant ruined playroom carpet, furniture, toys, computer, etc.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

floods and cars

so another stupid drunk driver ended in our woods tonight, and then we had a storm and the house began to flood. Being home alone,I needed to go wade through the water in the lightening to open the gate to let the water drain....and then clean up all the water off the floors in the family room. i hate this house.

Self unmedicating

So, I researched the medication I have been on all day....I am a doctoral student so I am good at research. I decided, from what I found, that I am no longer taking the medication. I checked the half life of the meds, and if I could stop abruptly, and decided that risking preterm labor was a better risk than how bad I was feeling. It has been about 5 hours since my last dose, and it is like night and day. My chest isn't heavy and my heart isn't pounding. I feel more like myself, less sluggishness and overall discomfort. Guess we will see if I end up in labor, but it is a risk I am willing to take at this time.

A big squeeze

I wish I could reach and and hug the many folks who have offered love, prayers and support. I am very fortunate that my parents are coming up tomorrow to help me with juggling kids and doctors on Monday, and at the same time they were offering to come, my sister was also offering to come and stay here with not only my three, but her two. I have had friends, old and new, and those who have been with me a long time, but have been caught in a rough patch, offer to be there and assist, often offering to go above and beyond what anyone could imagine. I appreciate it more than I can express on this little blog.

I am so very thankful to all of you, please know that it really warms my heart to hear the words of kindness and support! Thank you.

Early waking

So I was up really early again....can't possibly be stress can it?

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around everything going on....is the baby facing heart surgery? Am I? Will they do the simple angioplasty which while not ideal and long lasting, might help, or will they tell me they can only do open heart which means a long, long recovery time? What will I do about work? What about the kids? Will everything settle down and be OK and I not need to take care of this right away?

I am struggling to figure out what to do, while also being terrified. I feel like a ticking time bomb, not a great feeling when raising a family! I just want to have a plan, I want to get this baby here safely, and then have them reevaluate my health prognosis. Ideally, my gradient will drop enough that we can hold off on surgery another year, or at the worst, get the angioplasty....but the doctors always tell me the angioplasty doesn't work as well, so we should just go for the big surgery. How am I going to take care of a newborn while dealing with a three month recovery?

Friday, June 12, 2009


So we have a tentative plan. I am to take it semi-easy. The echo today showed normal heart function and size, that is a good thing. Monday I will have to drive back up to the hospital, see my OB and have a chest x-ray....they are looking for fluid in my lungs, a sign of heart failure. I haven't had any trouble breathing or any congestion, so I am hoping the scan will be clear. I am to stay on the nifedipine for the time being, and will see my OB weekly at most. He said it is day by day now, just making sure that we balance my health with that of the baby. My guess is this will be a schedule c-section probably around 36 weeks to help control the situation and have everyone needed present. If we make it that long with no major effects, I will have an echo following the birth at some point to see what my gradient is, and my guess is we will make a plan then. I hope we can get it down enough that surgery can be put off, or at the very least we can attempt an angioplasty. Fingers crossed.

What to say and when

I use this blog to chronicle a lot in our lives, but there are always things that are kept private. It can be hard to decide what to share and when, because you often put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable to opinions and judgment. I find it is often easier to share when I am a bad wife or mother, than to share personal details of our health and well being. I decided today to share something i am going through since this is our life, and it should be an accurate representation of it.

As I have said, the baby has a heart condition, we are not sure of how bad yet. I went into preterm labor last week and have been on a medication to stop it. Today I saw my cardiologist for my echo cardiogram.

The cardiologist called and the results were not good, really not good, the term
"heart failure" was mentioned as something to look out for. We don't know if this is due to the meds, the pregnancy or is actually an issue with my heart...but for the first time in my life, a cardiologist said I may need surgery. The problem now is, what do we do? Do we stay on the meds? Do we take the baby now? Next week? Three weeks? Do I get put in the hospital and monitored? He is consulting with my OB and they will make a plan I am sure. It makes me afraid to take the pills since I felt so good until I started them. It makes me afraid to be here alone with the kids in case something goes wrong. It makes me afraid that after all the things I have done to get healthy in life, that this has happened anyway and that I have three going on four little people who need a healthy mama. We are now just waiting. Ryan called the OB to see what he has to say, he called an hour ago and no response which makes us think he may be working with the cardiologist. If we don't hear in another hour, we will call the OB back and see what we should be doing. So there it is, the truth of the matter, the real things that go on here.

Not happy

To say I am not liking my husband right now....and by extension the children who are behaving JUST like the husband....is a major understatement. That is all I can say right now since I am fuming.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

On the agenda

Oh the days never seem to let up, and my fear is that I will not get the three weeks off of work and school before the baby comes, I was looking forward to those weeks!

So I am trying to keep up with the house, but I feel it just isn't happening. The rest of the family is not stepping in to help, and they make a lot of messes. Today I was up at 5 am again and did course checks, made breakfast, did the dishes, and made lunches all before 8 am. I then went to the farm, alone, came home, washed the lettuce from the CSA and began boiling the diapers. These are the last of the diapers to wash and I am anxious to get it done. I also got the vacuuming done and need to work on the laundry pile. I am HOPING the husband is working on the furniture, but I am not positive, and I am getting annoyed at everyone for telling me they are so worried, but then not helping out.

I still need to finish the diapers, work on laundry, do the dishes, write a paper, take Haven to dance and then tutor. It will be a long night.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Whine whine whine

OK, for the one person that might still read this, I apologize for whining and complaining again. I promise that I am not being a baby and I really do feel like crap.

So I talked to my boss today and she sounded OK with things, which is good since I like my job and all. Plus she told me she was getting me a new computer, a mac finally, so that made me feel like I wasn't on the outs. I am hoping that next week they will conference me in on some calls so I am not left out of everything!

While on the phone with her I started getting the woozy, shakey, hot feelings again. This medication is really rough sometimes and it hits out of nowhere, I just get shakey and my head pounds and I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Needless to say...I will be happy to finish the meds. On the bright side (?) as we get close to med time the contractions come back, so I think that means that when I go off I may actually go into labor. I will have no issues with that!

I am also tired of money...SO tired of money! Husband's check was screwed up this week, and this was not the week I wanted there to be an error. Thankfully he is working OT on Saturday which will help us out when he is off in July. I know I keep saying it, we are in a better place than we have been for years, but there is always room for improvement and more money :)

On the eating front, I am down another two pounds...being I am still in the negatives this pregnancy, I am really trying to eat more. Therefore, dinner tonight will be roast pork (one of my favorites) with oven potatoes and roasted carrots and beets...really a fall meal, but oh well!

I may never sleep again!

So, I actually got to sleep at a decent time last night, somewhere around 1 am. Then Gray kept waking with this weird cough, as the night progressed, so did his cough. By 5 am he was hacking and I could hear it sounded croupy. We got up, I gave him a tylenol since he was getting a fever and we have been hanging out ever since. I am hoping that this early waking means he (and hopefully I) will nap today!

On the bright side, the early waking means that they will get a hot breakfast! I am getting ready to make some french toast so that when the girls get up in an hour, they can fill their bellies. I also need to get something out of the freezer for dinner. I would like to make a pork roast with oven potatoes. I also have beets and carrots that I will roast separately, not the ideal summer meal, but yummy just the same. Now if only I can find that pork roast in the freezer!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The changing times

So today for my birthday I got up super early and went to the doctor. Then I had to explain to my boss that I couldn't travel next week and I did a conference call. Following my call, Gray and I went out to lunch where he and I shared a virgin Pina Coloda and ate my birthday ice cream...but that was fine with me. Then we went to the store to look at a new stroller/car seat for the baby. The one I am getting is on sale and really nice, except it is all blue. That really doesn't bother me at all, in fact, I think all my prior strollers have been blue, and one infant car seat was tan with animals on it. They didn't have all the pink stuff when I had the girls, and I think it is silly to buy a pink stroller, especially since you never know if there will be more kids! Given the price, the fact that the stroller is really nice and has all the features I want, I will get the blue one...stinks to be the fourth kid. Don't worry, when she moves into a convertible car seat, I will get her a girly one.


Well...today is technically my birthday, however we will not celebrate until Thursday when Ryan is home.

I had another rough night, mostly due to children who weren't sleeping well. They would wake up, fall back asleep and I wouldn't. Basically I slept from about 1 am-3, then 4-5:45. Thankfully I was up early since a huge thunderstorm came through and I was able to hop in the shower before the real lightening hit. In a bit, my sitter will be here and I will head to the doctor, then home for some training at noon. I will figure something out for dinner, and that is the big plan.

On Thursday Ryan will make me a cake, we will make the kids a simple dinner and Ryan and I will probably grab takeout and watch a movie. Such is life with kids!

Monday, June 8, 2009


It has been a long, long, LONG day! Got the girls off and Gray and I headed 20 minutes away to the hospital. Called for my appt tomorrow and the only time they could get me in was 8 am, so Ry booked the sitter to come at 745 to watch Gray and get the girls to the bus. Got there and registered, headed over to where I needed to be for my shot and then found out the doctor's office forgot the second page of the labs I needed. So Gray and I waited while that was faxed over, then I got the lovely shot in my tush and we left. We headed to Wegmans to grab a few things and then started towards home since we had time to kill. Stopped at the chiro, almost lost my skirt getting on and off the table...but I am REALLY pregnant so I think it is understandable! Came home and fed Gray and put some stuff away, then left to get CSA. I guess I underestimated how low my gas was, because I ran out a few miles from home. Called around but couldn't get a ride, then called the husband around a thousand times while Gray and I were walking home (NOT good while in PT Labor), finally got him, he came and got us, went and got gas and slurpees to cool us down and got us back to the car. Then he followed me to the gas station to make sure we were OK. Then Gray and I went to get CSA...I will update the haul tomorrow...came home, started dinner, vacuumed, worked, took Brittan to dance, came home and fed the kids and now I am halfway through the paper I need to write. I am exhausted and need to get up at 6:30 to get ready for the doctor, then I am NOT LEAVING until I have to in Friday!

I don't think an apple will help....

Last night really sucked. The meds make me tired, yet give me insomnia, they also make my head pound and my face burn....nice. I went to bed and needed to get up at midnight for my meds...thankfully(?) the contractions were coming back so I had no problem getting up. Took the medication and within a half hour had the headache and was up until nearly 3 am. Finally fell asleep, got up at 7 to get the girls ready for school and then Gray and I are off.

First we need to drive to the hospital so I can get a shot...see what happens when you have negative blood and the hubby positive? Then we will probably kill a half hour at Wegman's, then go get the CSA, then home to get a few things done, then Brittan has dance tonight. I have to work work plus write a paper tonight...this is me taking it easy.

I also need to see my doctor tomorrow, and then a different doctor on Friday...that is three appointments in one week pending no emergencies. All I can hope is that my appointment tomorrow can be at a time when Ry can watch Grayson and that nothing major has changed.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


Well, regardless of how headachey and overall yucky I feel, I still have things to do every day. While I have handed as much as I can off to the rest of the family, which often means I need to stand over the children while ordering them to clean up their own messes, I am trying to do a little less. There are, however, tasks that I must do. This morning I had to go to the store, we were out of paper towels and toilet paper, BIG neccessities in a family this size. While there I grabbed almost everything else needed for the week, although I do need to stop at Wegmans tomorrow after my doctor's appointment for more fresh fruit. Came home, made the kids lunch (chicken salad with apples), got the meat out for dinner, vacuumed and got my work work done for the day. Now I just need to maintain the house, get the kids to clean the playroom, make dinner and write a paper....sure wish I could hand THAT off!

Thankful...and weird dreams

I am very thankful the medication seems to be working well at controlling the contractions, as it get close to my next dose, I start to feel them come on again, so I know it is helping. I am not, however, thankful for the horrific headache the meds give me. I have had a headache since 3 pm yesterday and cannot get rid of it, I tool Tylenol, but it doesn't even take the edge off. I hope the headache goes away once the meds are in my system for awhile.

So all night long I was up and down with this headache, but somehow I managed to have one really bizarre dream. In the dream I was married to one of my ex boyfriends, but we didn't really have any contact. For some reason I lived with his mom, and in the dream needed to call him for something. Called him up, and his best friend is in the background yelling that he has a girlfriend, etc. I guess to make me upset? Anyway, it seems that I knew he had a long time girlfriend and didn't care, but needed to go over to his place to see our son(?) name MITCH! who had weird 1970's hair and was about 17 years old.....can we say bizarre? Then the long time girlfriend comes by and it is Mary Stuart Masterson who was dressed weirdly 1950's wearing an apron, and we chatted and she kept saying, "You know what makes me crazy about your husband....." then telling me things he did in their relationship. It didn't upset or weird me out in the dream, I think it had been this way for a long time and I was there to deal with something about the house or Mitch....but really, how bizarre!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

One day at a time

So, the contractions came back full force this morning running about every 8-11 minutes and really hurting again. They seem to start low like a cramp and then wrap around my side, very uncomfortable. The girls had a birthday party to attend and I didn't want them to miss it,so I made a plan with the husband, put the sitter on alert again (she is awesome, she even found someone to be on call when she was at work) Called the doctor at 11 and he decided the best course is to go on the meds full time. Then I need to see him on Tuesday to see if the contractions are productive and we will play with the meds to have them work for awhile. Hopefully this will calm things down. Just going with Ryan and the kids to drop off the girls and pick up my meds has made the contractions come every 4-5 minutes and twice as hard, so I really need this medication to work. Ryan is staying home tonight just to make sure everything is under control.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Trying to figure this out

OK, so it has been another long day. Seems the contractions want to confuse the hell out of me and keep coming and going. This morning they were pretty strong and had me worried, then I decided I couldn't sit around anymore, so Ryan, Gray and I headed out to get some snacks for the pantry and to pick up the milk order. While out, I had two really bad contractions, and a whole bunch of small ones, so I came home and went to bed for an hour or so. Things were quiet while I rested, then I got up and made dinner and now the contractions are back. My problem is they are so erratic, sometimes one on top of the other but not really painful, then a break of a half hour and a really hard painful one. Being that I have never gone into labor before, I have no idea what this means, and I equate contractions with the really hard ones you have on pitocin. I don't know about early labor, or how it can feel the first few days, so I don't know if I should worry that things will get worse or if they will settle. Ahhh, this is making me crazy!


Well....the contractions didn't let up so I got to take a nice little trip the labor and delivery last night. I got hooked up and was not happy to see that the contractions were running 6-9 minutes apart and were pretty strong. Stayed there a few hours, they gave me a medication to stop the contractions and sent me home. Today I have a raging headache, I am guessing from the meds, and need to call my doctor to follow up. I am still having some contractions, much weaker than yesterday, so I am hoping this kid will stay in and cook a few more weeks.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


Oh man, I have been having some seriously painful contractions today. If I go by my LMP due date, I am just shy of 32 weeks, if I go by the ultrasound due date, I am just shy of 34 weeks. The concern is that the ultrasound due date has been accurate twice coming out to the same date.

The contractions are really painful, wrapping around to my back and giving me a lot of pressure. Plus I am really sore after each one. It was so bad at one point today that I called the doctor, woman pregnant with their fourth child never really call the doctor! The nurse suggested drink more...hahahaha I will float away! Take two tylenol to relax things, which I did. Count the contractions and if I get more than four an hour, call back and come in. My concern is, I have had at least four an hour, just not that stop you dead in your tracks painful type. Guess I may end in L&D tonight for a check up.

Crabby Pants

I am crabby this morning, made worse by my husband not getting that I am crabby this morning. I am happy that the weather is cool and gloomy, matches my mood. I plan to stay in all day today until I need to go tutor, tomorrow I will do the farm run and go get some snacks for the kids, since they have started complaining about the snack choices.

On the bright side, my oldest child, the one who can really make me crazy, who dropped the full glass milk bottle all over the floor because she didn't think it through, the one I butt heads with the most did the sweetest thing. She had all of these reading points she has accumulated from reading at school, and she was really excited since the books she has been reading give a lot of points. Well yesterday they were trading their points in and she traded almost all (50 out of 55) to get a little pink Snoopy with a box of chocolate. She then told me it was for my birthday.....she made me cry. See, she is hard work, but there are those moments, small surprise moments, that make the more common struggles worth it.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Rough start and thoughts on "opinions"

Let me begin by saying I got almost no sleep last night. Between the never ending thunderstorms which kept cropping up and kids who were up and down. Then my nine year old dropped a glass milk bottle, full milk bottle, on my kitchen floor...milk and glass shards everywhere. So, not the best start.

OK, on to opinions. With all my free time last night, I tried to figure out why what others say to me so deeply affects me and really cuts. After talking to my husband the other night and him expressing that he just doesn't get it why I care, why my feelings get hurt, why I can't just be done with people and situations, I really tried to think about it. An ex boyfriend of mine, who reads this blog sometimes (there is your mini shout out) told me once that he knew I would put off my career for my family. He didn't say this is an approving way, but more of a "how could you put off YOUR career for your husband and children, why would you even consider something so stupid, etc" Well, I did put my career off for a time, sort of. After Brittan was born I took a while off work, while I worked on my MBA. Then I went back to work (while working on the MBA) until Grayson was born. After Gray was born I stayed home for a year full time, yep while finishing that MBA and beginning my doctorate. Did I put off my actual career, yes, but I was also reworking what I wanted to do and getting the education I needed. Then I began adjuncting, then teaching full time. Am I grossly underpaid, yes, am I home with the kids, yes, when i finish my doctorate will I have the career I want and have been home when the kids are young....hell YES!

That huge diatribe shows that I of course didn't put off my career in the negative way as that person indicated, yet I still feel the hurt of that comment. It still made me feel like I was a fool and making a big mistake, even though I KNEW I was doing the right thing for my family and career.

Another good example is that there have been people who tell me WHAT I am . I am a perfectionist, I have standards that are too high, I am too invested, I am not friendly enough, I am not good at making friends, etc. Yeah, well, I don't think any of that is true. Am I a perfectionist, yes in MY life, not theirs. Are my standards high? Oh yeah, but highest for myself and I am incredibly forgiving of others until we reach a point that is ridiculous. Am I not friendly? Well, since I don't have a lot of free time, I don't get to go out much and meet people. However, when I DO meet people, I am very nice and friendly. I don't make friends with everyone I meet, because I really invest myself in these people, I care deeply and whole heartily. I only invest in some people because I find most folks to be selfish and self involved, and I have been hurt many times by so called "friends" The problem with this is that I BELIEVE what these people say and take it to heart. I believe that they know me better than I know myself. What I am finding is, so called "friends" no matter how you invest and care for them, are still just people who choose to label you and will say what they want to keep you in your place. Even "friends" aren't so friendly.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Weepy, happy, crazy days

OK, I am having a very weepy evening...something about the lack of sleep, overwhelming state of affairs in my world and ongoing issues, I am having a tough night and am very thankful that tomorrow the hubby is home.

On the bright side, one of my friends from high school may be moving to the area...although I wish the reason wasn't because she was laid off and is having a hard time finding work in NY. She is a wonderful, smart, successful woman, and it would be great to have her in the area. I know she is going through a rough patch, and that moving to the DC area is nerve racking especially since she will need to find a good school system for her kids, so I hope things get settled quickly. I would not be opposed to them moving to our town..hint, hint if you read this, there is a really nice house for rent down the street!

The other thing is that Ryan and I have agreed that we may need to make some giant leaps of faith. We have nothing holding us here in VA except our jobs and house, and I feel like maybe we need to find new jobs, rent this house out, and go back where we actually have something and where we will be happy. Even with us talking of this leap, we both know it is as least two years away, but that is better than five so I will take it. I need to finish school and probably go back to full time work in the private sector for a year or so before we make that move or it will not be as lucrative or stable as we want. We also should have most of the debt paid off by then, with the exception of the house and student loans, but that is fine and we will be very stable.

So, here is to waiting it out, crying when it gets overwhelming and hoping for success and happiness for a friend and her family.

Hitting the wall

OK, I am going to admit it to the world...I am exhausted. I have been exhausted for weeks, but feel the need to keep up the pace. All I want right now is a nap, and add to that I am HOT, like on fire, burning up, HOT! I hate this point in pregnancy, the can't sleep, really hot, tired phase at the end.

I already wrote one paper and began my work for the day. Dinner is started. I am hoping that by 6 pm when I make the hubby get up I will only have a little left to complete on my second paper so I can just go to bed. When the girls get home, I am so exhausted, I just want to tell them I am heading for a nap, but I can't.

OK, enough whining, time to turn the fan to high and buckle down.

Ice cream and bubble gum

Gray and I ran our errands, had an outing, lunch and then picked up ice cream cones on the way home....we deserved them, trust me. My silly boy was negotiating for bubble gum over ice cream....silly little man. Obviously I convinced him otherwise.

Now we are home and I am gearing up to write a paper. I have another one due today as well, so I need to get one done early or I won't make it. I am pretty much dead tired by 3 pm and am having a tough time getting things done in the afternoon, including dinner, so I try to get my work done as early as possible. I am having a hell of a time sleeping at night and would do well with a nap in the afternoon, but with the kids coming home around 4, it just doesn't happen. Maybe tomorrow after my call I will get a chance to lay down since Ryan will be home.

Monday, June 1, 2009

CSA and the weekly menu

Just grabbed the CSA haul, and it was a big one this week!

We got a huge bunch of shallots, tons of mustard greens, turnips, carrots, loads of lettuce, and Chinese cabbage. Now I need to figure out how to make these all fit together into meals for the week.

Tonight the kids are having stromboli since I have the fixings on hand, they will have salad with homemade croutons.

Tomorrow I am making steaks on the grill with roasted root veggies (turnips, carrots, potatoes) and salad and homemade bread..

Wednesday will be chicken on the grill, the mustard greens, couscous and homemade bread.

Thursday will be a baked pasta dish, homemade bread and salad.

Friday will be shrimp with chinese cabbage and brown rice, not sure if we will do a stir fry or if I will just grill the shrimp and cook the cabbage....we will see.

Saturday and Sunday are still up in the air, one day will probably be a leftover day, maybe breakfast for dinner another night.

The best part of eating this was is that there is very little waste, and since most if not all of the items are on hand, it costs me next to nothing to feed the family. The bread is easy, I make one batch a week and get enough for four meals usually with some left for croutons. We have a huge supply of meat on hand, a lot of beef from the cow we got in January and I have been stocking us well on chicken and a little bit of pork, we are not huge pork eaters. Whenever chicken is on sale, I buy enough for at least two weeks worth or meals, and pack it and freeze it. Now if only I can get the pantry and freezer organized, maybe this Friday.

Hooray for no Preschool

OK, I admit it, I am loving not having to leave to go to preschool this morning, and loving that I don't have to leave to go teach tonight! Once the girls are done with school, I will truly be in heaven, no morning rush, no getting out the door.

Today Gray and I have a quiet day planned. I have a paper due that I will work on this afternoon. We need to go pick up the CSA around 11 or 12, but that is about it. I am planning steaks for dinner with salad and roasted potatoes, simple and easy.

Now I am going to enjoy a cup of coffee and then take a shower.