Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Rough start and thoughts on "opinions"

Let me begin by saying I got almost no sleep last night. Between the never ending thunderstorms which kept cropping up and kids who were up and down. Then my nine year old dropped a glass milk bottle, full milk bottle, on my kitchen floor...milk and glass shards everywhere. So, not the best start.

OK, on to opinions. With all my free time last night, I tried to figure out why what others say to me so deeply affects me and really cuts. After talking to my husband the other night and him expressing that he just doesn't get it why I care, why my feelings get hurt, why I can't just be done with people and situations, I really tried to think about it. An ex boyfriend of mine, who reads this blog sometimes (there is your mini shout out) told me once that he knew I would put off my career for my family. He didn't say this is an approving way, but more of a "how could you put off YOUR career for your husband and children, why would you even consider something so stupid, etc" Well, I did put my career off for a time, sort of. After Brittan was born I took a while off work, while I worked on my MBA. Then I went back to work (while working on the MBA) until Grayson was born. After Gray was born I stayed home for a year full time, yep while finishing that MBA and beginning my doctorate. Did I put off my actual career, yes, but I was also reworking what I wanted to do and getting the education I needed. Then I began adjuncting, then teaching full time. Am I grossly underpaid, yes, am I home with the kids, yes, when i finish my doctorate will I have the career I want and have been home when the kids are young....hell YES!

That huge diatribe shows that I of course didn't put off my career in the negative way as that person indicated, yet I still feel the hurt of that comment. It still made me feel like I was a fool and making a big mistake, even though I KNEW I was doing the right thing for my family and career.

Another good example is that there have been people who tell me WHAT I am . I am a perfectionist, I have standards that are too high, I am too invested, I am not friendly enough, I am not good at making friends, etc. Yeah, well, I don't think any of that is true. Am I a perfectionist, yes in MY life, not theirs. Are my standards high? Oh yeah, but highest for myself and I am incredibly forgiving of others until we reach a point that is ridiculous. Am I not friendly? Well, since I don't have a lot of free time, I don't get to go out much and meet people. However, when I DO meet people, I am very nice and friendly. I don't make friends with everyone I meet, because I really invest myself in these people, I care deeply and whole heartily. I only invest in some people because I find most folks to be selfish and self involved, and I have been hurt many times by so called "friends" The problem with this is that I BELIEVE what these people say and take it to heart. I believe that they know me better than I know myself. What I am finding is, so called "friends" no matter how you invest and care for them, are still just people who choose to label you and will say what they want to keep you in your place. Even "friends" aren't so friendly.

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