What to say and when

I use this blog to chronicle a lot in our lives, but there are always things that are kept private. It can be hard to decide what to share and when, because you often put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable to opinions and judgment. I find it is often easier to share when I am a bad wife or mother, than to share personal details of our health and well being. I decided today to share something i am going through since this is our life, and it should be an accurate representation of it.

As I have said, the baby has a heart condition, we are not sure of how bad yet. I went into preterm labor last week and have been on a medication to stop it. Today I saw my cardiologist for my echo cardiogram.

The cardiologist called and the results were not good, really not good, the term
"heart failure" was mentioned as something to look out for. We don't know if this is due to the meds, the pregnancy or is actually an issue with my heart...but for the first time in my life, a cardiologist said I may need surgery. The problem now is, what do we do? Do we stay on the meds? Do we take the baby now? Next week? Three weeks? Do I get put in the hospital and monitored? He is consulting with my OB and they will make a plan I am sure. It makes me afraid to take the pills since I felt so good until I started them. It makes me afraid to be here alone with the kids in case something goes wrong. It makes me afraid that after all the things I have done to get healthy in life, that this has happened anyway and that I have three going on four little people who need a healthy mama. We are now just waiting. Ryan called the OB to see what he has to say, he called an hour ago and no response which makes us think he may be working with the cardiologist. If we don't hear in another hour, we will call the OB back and see what we should be doing. So there it is, the truth of the matter, the real things that go on here.