Saturday, May 9, 2009

Joy and Sorrow

Life is an interesting beast. I think back to who I was in high school, college, my early career and early motherhood and I see such differences and similarities. I have loved all the many stages in my life, and whilst some have been harder than others, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I have gotten to experience so many things, I have worked in a career I loved, and one I hated. I have pursued my education to the top level and seen success even while juggling so many other things. I have experienced childbirth, more ways than one, and have seen just how deep the love for your children can go. I have feared for my children's health and well being, and rejoiced when they succeed and excel. I have hated my husband, and loved him, and am thankful for the rocky road we took that got us where we are, the bond is deep and he is my biggest supporter. I have been a terrible mother, there were days where nothing i did was right and I could not gather myself together enough to see just how small the people I was dealing with were. I have been an exceptional mother too, fighting with doctors or teachers or anyone I needed to so that my child received the best care possible. I have had moments if intuition where I knew what was coming and tried to prepare. We have been poor, dirt poor, and we have been more stable...those moments seems to come and go, and I am okay with the fluctuation as long as we all stick together in the end. I have been a stay at home mom, a work out of home mom and a work from home mom, and each stage has taught me to have compassion for any mother. I have been judged, unfairly and fairly.

Spring is a time of renewal for me, and this year it is a time of hope and change. The winter period this year was emotionally destructive, deeply damaging to the psyche and a challenge I never wanted to take on. The problems and concerns we face with the new baby are ever present, and while I hope that we find answers in the next two weeks, I know that we will probably not have a real diagnosis until she is born. I am at peace with the outcome, as this child is meant to be ours, and if she needs someone on her side, to fight for her, to locate the best care, I am the mother for her. I am slowly healing from what others did this winter, I am slowly regaining my ground and deciding on changes and new paths. I am excited, for the first times in a long time, for my family's future.

So there is always joy, no matter how deep it is buried, and I choose to dig until I uncover it all.

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