Sunday, April 19, 2009

Finding your little corner

So I had a lot of time to think today on my ride home, kids were quiet and occupied and the lull of the road cleared my mind a bit. The last six weeks or so have been trying on so many emotional levels...everything has been affected, from the kids, to friendships, to family, to my marriage, all went through upheaval. I really was thrown a number of times, and emotionally, this has been one of the most trying times in my life. Dealing with everything at once, feeling overwhelmed and very alone in the process, was an eye opening experience. What I came away with was a very clear and distinct understanding of who I am. I found that I am not who others always want to define me as, that all the characteristics I have long believed to be true because others said they were, are not...and I am actually very happy about this. I found I can be incredibly strong, that when I know something to be real or true, I will stick by it. I also know that I am self sufficient, and that I don't need anyone beyond my family and the small circle of sweet, true friends who come running when you need them. I found that my expectations for people are not too high, and that if they cannot be met, then I don't need them. I believe that I am worthy of a heartfelt apology. I learned that my children, both those walking about and the one I still carry, are the beginning and end of it all, and that nothing will change that and I will never put that aside for someone else's happiness. I found that I will never compromise my sanity, health or family to do for someone else, it is simply not worth it and ends up blowing up in the end making me feel stupid and abused.

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