Breathing

OK, I am really trying to breathe today. I had a huge weeping breakdown with Ryan this morning as I just feel like I am off kilter. I KNOW that this is me, and I KNOW that it is my problem, but I just feel like in my own home I should be allowed to be my crazy true self. To help you understand, everything is a trade off in my mind. For example, the usual morning I get up, make the kids breakfast, while they eat I do any dishes, then I make coffee...sounds fine right. However, in my head, I make the kids breakfast and then HAVE to do the dishes next so that I can wash out the coffee filter (we have a permanent one) and I don't like the grinds all over the dishes it grosses me out, then I make the coffee. It HAS to go that way or I just won't ever make the coffee. This goes on all day, I grade five papers, check on dinner, check email, grade five papers, check dinner, etc. I need to use the order that makes sense in my own head, and while I understand that it may be a bit nuts, it works for me. The only way I can function is with a plan and organization, if something is out of place, so am I and I feel lost trying to get things done. Once my husband and I were seeing a counselor and the counselor tried to explain that when the pillows are on the floor(a pet peeve), or there is no plan, I feel the same panic as if one of the kids were in danger...it is that disturbing and real for me.

So now I have admitted that I am crazy...oh and whenever I pump gas it needs to end in a 5, my favorite is 25.55...all my secrets are out :) We have established I am nuts, but a really high functioning nuts, and I need to maintain some structure at home. Oh I have adjusted, kids will do that, and when I am not at home, I make myself go with the flow, but everything happens here. I work from home, I live here, I relax here, my family is here, and I cannot be miserable here. What am I going to do?