Shedding tears and the rules

Oh my it has been a hard week. My comp exams are kicking my rear, BUT I am more than 2/3 of the way through and by tonight I should only have three or four pages left to write tomorrow. The exam is due Sunday at midnight, so finishing up tomorrow will give me plenty of time to edit and make sure my APA style is perfect.

The kicker is...I only need to get a 3 out of 5 average on the rubric they designed. That is only a 60%! I have not gotten a 60% on anything since, well, my days at Clemson! My problem is I am trying to make it perfect. Make the APA perfect. The content perfect. Everyone keeps saying to stop stressing, I write well, etc, but for me, I cannot do it unless I strive for perfection. Then the flip side of the fear is, what if I strive for perfect and I don't pass? Then what do I do?

Did I mention that since I came home from my trip, my baby is a giant pain in the rear when it comes to sleep. She naps great in her pack and play and we never set up her crib since we were doing so well....but that is rapidly changing! Now all night long, if she is in bed with me, she is pinching me, flailing and trying to nurse....not good. If I move her away or in her bassinet, she WAILS for HOURS. Last night I was on the phone with Ry at 3 am just balling because I was so so tired and she was just screaming! Finally she went to sleep and slept great in the bassinet, but seriously it was a trial and I am so tired today while trying to write the exam.
Needless to say, Ry is off Monday and the crib is going up in her room...I am over the all night pinch battles.

Of course while in the midst of comps, and with a load of work, the only logical thing to do is to let the kids play hooky tomorrow and take them downtown to the museum. Yep, the weather is going to be warm and sunny and a good friend was talking about doing the same thing, so I decided we needed a mental health day. All four kids and I will be heading into DC to a museum and to ride the carousel and to enjoy the beautiful day. Those last three or four pages will just need to wait until I get home from having fun with my kids.

Off to write more using big ole fancy words :)

And now for a commercial break....

I am taking a break from writing my comp exam to eat lunch and blog. So far the exam is going well, I am at just shy of 4 pages and I have barely gotten going...should be interesting how long it is when it is all said and done!

I keep telling my husband that I want a cake from Duff when I am done with my dissertation. I want me, in my cap and gown and hood, climbing a mountain with my hand on my diploma and all four kids hanging off of the graduation gown. Today I amended that idea and told him that the diploma should be in a bowl of guacamole with a coffee on the side. That is the food of the end stage of this process....lots of homemade guacamole and loads and loads of coffee.

So if you ever see them making a cake with a crazy lady climbing a mountain towards her guacamole covered diploma on Ace of Cakes, you will know I finally made it to the end!

Me in a nutshell

My bloggy friend Casey posted this test, and I think my results were pretty accurate....interestingly enough, she and I had the same results!

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...

6 - the Questioner

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX (aka "The Loyalist").

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be direct and clear.

• Listen to me carefully.

• Don't judge me for my anxiety.

• Work things through with me.

• Reassure me that everything is OK between us.

• Laugh and make jokes with me.

• Gently push me toward new experiences.

• Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a SIX

• being committed and faithful to family and friends

• being responsible and hardworking

• being compassionate toward others

• having intellect and wit

• being a nonconformist

• confronting danger bravely

• being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a SIX

• the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

• procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself

• fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

• exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

• wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

• being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

SIXes as Children Often

• are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn

• are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

• form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

• look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel

• are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

SIXes as Parents

• are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

• are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

• worry more than most that their children will get hurt

• sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele, The Enneagram Made Easy. Discover the 9 Types of People.

Harper: San Francisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test? so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!!

(copypaste the HTML-code from below to your profile or blog!)

please, leave a comment HERE

you wanna know MORE? so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type... ...even more you'll find in Google

_____________________

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose CY. Use the BACK-button on your browser see the other options!

Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test at OkCupid

Food Inc

Please, if you eat food, watch this movie. It is not one of those "shock" videos and while disturbing, it is done more on an intellectual level. Some of what they discuss we, as a family, already knew and spurred the change in our food acquisition, but so much we did not.

I am not perfect and will never be able to be self sufficient with no reliance on big business and the food it produces, but there are some key changes that we all can make to get cleaner food. As consumers, we need to make it known that what is going on is NOT okay with us, and only then, when we change how we buy, will the industry change.

We already get our beef direct from the farm. We get meat from ONE cow. They are grass fed, roam free in the fields and are antibiotic and hormone free. I know where my meat comes from, and should there ever be an issue, the farmer knows which cow my family has. Not to mention, the meat tastes better and is healthier!

We get our milk from a dairy in PA just over the border The milk is non-homogenized and only lightly pasteurized. It comes from grass fed cows with no antibiotics or hormones. I would prefer raw milk, but with kids with some autoimmune issues, we err on the side of caution.

We try to grow our veggies and if we cannot, we get them from local organic farmers whose faces we know. This cuts back on the carbon footprint, and helps us to get healthy, organic, non-modified foods. Again, not perfect, but we are getting there.

Next in line for us...pork. We have found a local farmer whose pigs are free ranged in the forest. They let the pigs roam, about 1-2 per acre, free over their 26 acre farm. The only fences are the ones around the entire farm, and the one around the farmhouse to keep the pigs out of the garden. They do not clip teeth, nails or ears and there are no antibiotics or hormones. We will split a whole butchered hog with another family, and while not cheap, we will pay about $4 a pound for 75 pounds of meat. I am comfortable with that.

Eggs come from the farm where the chickens roam free, and they taste fantastic and have deep yellow almost orange yolks, not those pale things from the grocery store. Chicken remains our most difficult purchase. Free ranged poultry is so expensive, around 18 dollars per chicken, and we do not have the land to raise and butcher our own. I am looking to locate a local farmer who we can purchase whole chickens in bulk from and split with another family. I am hoping to be able to get whole chickens, about 40 per family, and that we could get a discount on the purchase.

Cook at home, cook from scratch, you can control so much more if you start with the ingredients.

Please, learn about where your food comes from. Learn about WHY government is not doing their job to protect you. Support local farms and farmers, help keep them farming so they do not need to work with the big corporate giants and they can supply clean food to the public. Eat local push back on big business, consumers have the power to change things!!!

Definitions

I often wonder how people define themselves. We all have many roles we play, but which of these truly define us, and identify who we believe we are.

I am always a wife and mother first, before being a woman or employee or even a person. I wonder if this is the root of my problems with feeling taken advantage of? Ryan always tells me to take time for myself, to just do what I want or need, but I really have no clue how to make that happen without relying on someone else to stand in the wife/mother role.

I love my life, my world, my roles. Even on my worst day, when patience is thin and I am stretched to the limit, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else. I would, however, like to be able to define myself differently some days, so that I could look out for me and make sure that my needs are met, just like I make sure my families needs are met.

Mothers take on too much it seems. Those that stay home completely embed themselves in their kid's or husband's lives, working on committees and PTO's and being their for their family's needs constantly. Those who work outside the home focus on work when there, but always with their family on their mind, and when home, they cram all of the mom duties in to a short time, again taking no time for themselves. Then there are the hybrid workers, like myself, where work and home are constantly overlapping and there is no beginning or end to either, which means there is also no chance for "mom time." Being a mom is a hard job, the hardest I have ever done, and I hope that I am doing a good job and that all the sacrifices are worth it and my kids grow into good, strong and productive adults.

Target giveaway

Go visit my friend Jen (who I know from HS) and enter to win a $50 Target giftcard. Then spend some time reading her blog about her homeschooling adventures in Upstate NY. She is one cool mama :)

Updates galore

Wow it has been a crazy few weeks!

Here are a few highlights.

1. Went to Pittsburgh, came home from Pittsburgh, survived and had a little fun.
2. Hubby's family is still a huge mess.
3. Baby cut her second tooth and has begun napping which is saving my sanity.
4. Work is busy, but manageable.
5. We got our half a cow and now the freezer is pretty full, just need to stock up on chicken and pig next, then the summer bounty of veggies.
6. My comprehensive exams for my doctorate are next week and I am strangely calm.
7. It is gloomy and rainy and I want the sun and the windows open.
8. We have many summer trips planned and I am so excited. Beginning the week after the kids are out of school, we will be traveling every two to three weeks all summer.

Off to feed a sweet baby.

Well hello down there!

I made it to Pittsburgh for my big meeting. Ride was nice, and along the way I saw two really encouraging things, a BP solar farm and and a wind farm, not to shabby for a 4 1/2 hr drive!

So the ride went well, getting to the hotel did not. Seems there is construction and my handy dandy GPS Lola was not aware and couldn't find any way to get me in except to take the ONE turn I couldn't. It was a little frustrating to be within site of the hotel multiple times and not be able to get there, but I did finally make it, and got settled. Last night I met with a bunch of coworkers at dinner and we had a lot of fun, I then went for a drink(!) with an old coworker who now runs another department. It was such a nice break from my day to day, but I miss the kids and Ry like crazy.

I thought I would sleep well last night, but alas without little toes digging in my side, i can't sleep. I have been up since about 4:30, and have a load of meetings today, but I am hoping that will mean I will sleep well tonight.

I am hoping to get some video of my room later, it is very very fancy schmancy and I am way up on the 20th floor so I have a great view.

And away we go.....

Tomorrow is the start of two weeks of craziness...I know, and you all thought it was crazy here to begin with!

I leave to go on a business trip tomorrow and won't be home until Thursday around dinnertime. This is a long time for the Mama to be gone, especially since my kids have had me working from home for nearly five years. I am both dreading and looking forward to the trip. I am excited to sleep alone, in a dark bedroom. I am also excited to meet my coworkers and get to know them. I am dreading the long drive each way, and being away from the kiddos. They may make me crazy, but I really love seeing their little faces beaming at me at the crack of dawn, all day long, at bedtime and a few times through the night :)

After returning from the trip, I have to take my doctoral comps (insert Doom and Gloom music here) I am nervous, but also think I am prepared, so I am hoping all goes well. These are a huge deal in a doctoral program as they determine if...yes IF...you get to move on to your dissertation. I plan to try to bang most on them out on Monday and Tuesday when Ry is off, and then just edit and proof and adjust the rest of the week. Ah the best laid plans.

Off to pack some more, work, write lectures....leisurely night before the big trip!

Important Observations

My general calmness and happiness is directly related to the length of the baby's naps and the ability for the big kids to play outside.

This afternoon I am the calmest I have been in days and I believe it is because my baby took a HUGE nap this morning and is napping again now:) My big kids are all playing outside, which is something we all have missed. They are all occupied and I can think!

I have also noticed that my baby has the must luscious and perfectly chubby thighs and toes and I cannot wait for the warm weather so she can wear dresses and no tights and share with the world.

Sometimes the present is so daunting, you have to keep looking towards the light

I know I have been whiny and complain-y here lately, but you must understand that I have two big things on the horizon, my work trip followed by comp exams. I am sure that by Sunday March 21st at midnight when I submit my exam I will be calmer.

Right now life is hard. The baby has a cold and just wants to be held, but I can't hold her all day or I can't work. If I try to hold her and work, she tries to type on my computer...not good. The schedule that Ryan works means that he is never here when all the kids are here, and that is making me tired since I need a day of help.

The bright side of all this is that PT school is over the first week of May, and my last last LAST class in my doctoral program is done the end of April. I have residency in June, but it is local, so easy.

Summer is better for me. I only have one job, but I have lots of kids! I can usually plan our week to balance out days and home days to give me time to work. The longer days make me feel more productive and calmer. I will not be taking any classes, but I will be writing my dissertation, but only in Ry's days off I decided.

Next year should be smoother. Gray is in school full day along with the big girls. Teagan will be the only one home and will be over a year old, so she will be able to be distracted from time to time to allow me to work. I have been working HARD on making her nap and it is getting better, she has been sleeping over two hours in the pack and play in the living room in the morning, and soon we will work on forcing the afternoon nap. She really needs the sleep since she tries to go to bed at 6 every night and then wants to wake at 6! I need to get her on an 8 pm bedtime, so an afternoon nap is important.

The biggest "light" is that sometime in the next few years, I will be done with school, and I will be able to step down to just one job. The thought of having to work only one job is both exciting and daunting, but I look forward to slowing things down soon.

So for now I choose to try to look past the chaos towards the light.

Calmer Day

OK, I am over my meltdown and no one filed for divorce :)

Sometimes it can be hard for me to juggle everything, and when that happens, it becomes clear how unbalanced everything is. A lot of that is my fault, as I was the one who kept taking things on, but still it can be tough some days.

The hubby and I are fine, he realizes that the meltdowns need to happen sometimes, and I am staring down two major stressors, my upcoming trip and my comp exams.

A plan has been made, and once I get "grownup" shoes for the trip (ie no Uggs or flip flops) I will be ready to go. *sigh*

Taken advantage of

I have had it and I am wishing I could go on strike so my family could see what I really do around here.

I am feeling very unappreciated, especially since I handle ALL the kids stuff (doctors, appts, projects, etc), work at my FT job, my PT job and I am writing courses which is another FT job! Oh did I mention that I am trying to finish my doctorate?

I am overwhelmed with work, then add to it that get little to no assistance at home.

The baby never sleeps...ever. She barely naps, maybe 20 minutes or so, and if that happens I spend all that time running around switching laundry, cleaning up, doing dishes etc. She also doesn't sleep well at night, which means I don't sleep at night. I never expected to sleep through the night being that my other kids still get up, but would like to sleep more than 2 hours consecutively. In addition, it would be ever so nice not to have to listen to the husband bitch he is tired when he is not up at night with anyone, EVER.

I am sick of cleaning up after everyone. If I didn't work, then fine, I would understand taking that on, but I DO work, A LOT, and I make the most money, why is it that I do all the cleaning too?

I have my comp exams in two weeks for my doctorate. This is a big deal, actually a HUGE deal, and my husband basically blew me off when i was stressing about how I would fit the exams in with everything else I do.

All I want is a day off, a real day off from work like everyone else in the world gets. I work seven days a week, and possibly get two days off per year, that is insane and torture. All I want is to be respected, loved, supported and helped, and right now, none of those are happening.

OK, done bitching, I have more work to do :(

Tribe Happenings

Just a few bloggy minutes to spare, so here are the happenings around the ole homestead.

1. We are trying to figure out who Bad Bob is...Teagan yells all day "Baaaa Ba" so we are on the lookout for this character!
2. Gray has a fever..looks to be a virus a friend has, no biggie.
3. Hubby is off to NY tomorrow to deal with his mom. Don't envy his task, totally envy that he gets to eat all that yummy NY food :(
4. So sad that hubby will be gone on my only days home with him
5. Even sadder that next week I will be away on business on my normal days off with him and the kids
6. Teagan eats like a horse, seriously she can pack it away and she is following in the footsteps of her siblings eating anything and everything but enjoying the things with a stronger flavor and texture most.
7. Girls had a full week of school
8. But they are calling for more snow this week
9. Again, why don't I get to run away for two days to the place with good pizza....oh yeah, i don't want to deal with the MIL situation.

Off to grade and then put someone down for a nap, and sadly that someone is not me

Oh insightful internet world

please help!

OK, so if anyone was reading a year ago, we had my mother in law move in and it took her less than a week to drive me to the brink of insanity. She then left.

She was here because she is a mess. Financially, mentally, emotionally, she makes Charlie Sheen look like a saint.

Now we hear, from brother in law #1, that there are foreclosure or eviction or something notices being posted on her front door. He says she won't tell him anything and that she is drunk all the time. Joy. She won't return my husband's calls. Double joy. Brother in law #2 lives with her...yeesh.

We really don't want her here, she is toxic beyond belief. Imagine all those jokes about in laws, and then throw in a violent, self destructive alcoholic...that is her. She needs help, she needs to stop drinking and smoking and blaming the world for her problems, but we have no idea how to help her. It is at a point that we have considered trying to get her committed just to get her help, seriously she has wasted the last 11 years of her life and has sacrificed relationships with everyone, there is no one left to help (and the brothers are inept and useless, so we can't ask them for anything)

My husband is choosing to ignore this right now, but we are concerned about what happens when she comes home and all her stuff is on the lawn, or worse, the cops come to remove her and she attacks them. I am considering having Ry go to NY this weekend and stage a mini intervention. I am willing to allow her to come her only if she gets into treatment. I found a place here that she could go for both alcohol and mental assistance, although she would have to work to help pay for it, and I could only offer a month or two of help and then she would need to move out. Should we offer this knowing that having her here is bad for the kids, bad for our marriage and bad for my mental state? I believe our family unit will come through fine, a little shaken maybe, but we are strong and loving and forgiving. What if he offers and she says no? Does he cut off communication? I have no frame of reference for dealing with this and there is no one else to help. Anyone have to deal with a family member in crisis and had to play the role of the grownup? Help please!

See that edge..yeah those are my toes hanging over it

Man, I am struggling lately. Between the lack of sleep and the fact the rest of the world doesn't understand that I am on the edge, I am barely making it most days, and certainly not gracefully. I cannot remember the last time I was this tired for this long. I know it will get better, but when you are exhausted all day and can't even look forward to bedtime since you kbow you won't sleep, it is a bit of a bummer. Oh well, off to give an exam tonight and fingers crossed I stay awake while my class takes it!

Shock and Awe

Here is the thing, if you were to know me casually here in my town, you would often see me out and about with 1-4 kids hanging off me. You would see me eating lunch at Carlos, or at Target, or at an event at the kids school. You would also know that if I am not one of these places, I am probably at home since you would see my car in the driveway when you drove to the elementary school nearby.

You would see me walking around with my pony tail, minimal makeup and jeans. You might hear me talk about what I am concocting for dinner....but here is when it gets interesting. Sometimes when someone talks to me, I mention something about "work" and when I do I get this series of confused looks and then the "What do you do" question. It is almost amusing to see the gears turning, and I often wonder what these folks are thinking, where do they think I work? It gets even more fun when I mention I am a professor. I watch their face change as they search my face to see if they should laugh at the funny joke I made or if I am serious. Then comes the "Where" question, and I explain my work from home professorship and my PT gig at the local University. It seems this always throws them. I am not sure if I simply don't "look" like a professor, or if I am too young to be one in their mind(haha...I just want to be too young for something) or maybe I just don't seem smart enough, but it always makes me giggle inside when it happens.

So there you go, just another reason to not judge a book by it's cover, it may be a very knowledgeable book...at least on one subject :)

If you can't say something nice

you really shouldn't blog....

Just been super busy here, and the baby cut her first tooth and is working the second through. This equates to her waking every 20 minutes at night and wanting to be held all day long. However, she is my last little baby and I know this will pass, so I am going to roll with it because never again will I have to endure a baby cutting her first tooth, and I am sure I will miss it.

Today the girls have their award ceremonies at school. Both will be receiving awards, Haven the Creative Problem Solver Award and Brittan the Classroom Helper Award. They also both got great report cards, Brittan does exceptionally well in all subjects, but we think she may be gifted in math, seriously I have never seen a 7 year old love math and be able to complete such complicated problems.

Haven also had a good report card, and we were thrilled with her writing grades as writing was the last hold over from her years of seizures. She has broken through and is achieving well at school. She could do a touch better, but it is due to lack of effort, not medical issues, so we wil take that any day! We are so proud of how far she has come, and the hurdles she has scaled. What a difference a year makes!

OK, off to do a work call, then lunch and errands, then another award ceremony, then work...whew!

Screw it all, I am taking a day

The girls are off to school today again, two hours late, but off they went. I know it sounds bad to say that it is calm and easy when they are gone, but it is. They get bored being here, especially when we are house bound and even playing outside is an ordeal. They enjoy school, seeing friends and the stimulation they get there. In the summers, I plan activities to combat the boredom, I find things for us to do to allow me to work and them to have fun, but these two weeks of unexpected captivity really threw all of us.

Since they left at 10:30, Grayson and I have had three really funny conversations, Teagan and I played with her blocks, they both had lunch, dishes were done, the bathroom was cleaned, the house was vacuumed and laundry was switched. I did some basic work, emailed some folks and obviously I am blogging. That is in under two hours. This makes may day much calmer, as does the decision to take the day today for me and the kids. I need to do some serious cleaning, and that will commence once the little one goes down for her nap. I needed to play with the two littles, since they don't get my attention as much when I am juggling the demanding older girls and work. I need to do a few small, small, small things for work and I decided the rest can wait until tomorrow. And finally, I need to just relax, since I have a yucky cold, and I have been stressed beyond belief for the last few weeks.

Today, I decided, is MY day. MY day to straighten up since it makes me feel better. MY day to play with the kiddos. MY day to blog :) MY day to relax. I still have a mile long to-do list for work, but tomorrow I will be better equipped to handle it. So today is the day I am taking for me, my kids, my family and my sanity.

Back to the grind...sort of

FINALLY the kids went back to school! They have been off for almost two and a half weeks, with a measly 4 hour school day in the midst! They had a delay today, but they went, and that is all that matters.

I am also back to work this week as PT school reopened following the blizzard(s)! In bad back to the grind news, Ry's family has reared their ugly heads...seems there are issues with his mom, her mortgage, etc again. I really don't want to deal with this, I don't want Ry to deal with this and I am annoyed that we are expected to fix things. Well the one thing we know is, we will not be offering to take her in this time, and unless the only choice is us or the streets, she needs to figure this out for herself. Sucks when we are forced to deal with this garbage when they never show any interest in our lives and have never been here for us during tough times.

In good news, Ryan and I just booked a hotel on LI for July. We really miss getting up there, but his family never has room for us, and we feel like we are stuck with them if we do stay there, so we decided to make our own trip. Em's sister got us a ridiculous rate at the hotel, making this so so affordable. We are not really planning on seeing the family, maybe for a dinner or something, but we are hoping to take the kids to the beach, to a diner, to see friends, etc. I am SO excited to get to go home on our terms!!!

OK, off to shower and get dressed for class. Good times.

Nice....rough.......nice.....hmmmm

Day started off nice, kids and I hung out upstairs, slow start to the morning and then down to have breakfast. Ry got home late, but came bearing bagels and presents so we forgave him. I got a really nice chocolate heart, a great card and cash....which threw me for a second until I saw the note in the card that I could only use the cash to get a pedicure :)

Kids were spoiled with Webkinzs and candy and cards...so they were thrilled. I got Ry a dark chocolate heart which is his favorite and a nice card...no cash though :)

Day got a little rough due to the overwhelming pile of work I have to do. I try to explain this to folks, and no one seems to get just how much goes on here behind the scenes. I have not had a day off in years...with the exception of maternity leave. Seriously I work every day of the week because I have to. I have lectures to write in the next three days, I have to teach Monday and Wednesday, I have to grade 4 major assignments, I have to teach online, I have to mentor 6 faculty and coach 20, I have 7 hours of meeting calls over three days time and I have to get ready for a new session start on Thursday. I also have to nurse a baby on demand, cook three meals a day (well that has gotten lax), clean up from a meal three times a day, run kids around to school and other activities, do laundry every day, vacuum at least twice a day, wipe bathrooms, table, dust, etc every day just to stay afloat. It is incredibly overwhelming and I have a work trip in three weeks so I need to add pumping to my list plus shopping for appropriate clothes and I have a class I am taking ( my LAST!!!) that also starts in 3 weeks!

It got to be so overwhelming that I just broke down. I rarely get so overwhelmed that I cannot muscle through and make a plan, but right now there is just too much at once. I know that this will go on until summer and that seems a long way away. I often fear that it isn't worth it. That getting the doctorate isn't worth it, that working extra to pay things off isn't worth it, that killing myself daily isn't worth it, but I hope it is. I hope that in three years we will have no debt beyond the house and my school loans. I hope that in three years we will live somewhere else, Ry will have a better schedule and I will have one job. I hope in three years, it is worth all of it.

So I decided that since there is no hope for a day off, I needed two hours. I closed the laptop, paid for a PPV movie and sat on the couch with the baby. I laughed a few times out loud at the movie, and felt a little better. I also decided that tonight will be a Chinese food night since the family has been asking for it for weeks, and I just have no desire to cook. Hopefully once the kids go to bed I will be able to start writing the lectures, and the hubby feels so bad for me that he agreed to clean the upstairs tomorrow with the kids so I can work downstairs in the morning. Maybe tomorrow it won't feel so overwhelming.

This is when I go for mom/wife of the year

OK, when I go crazy and get stressed, I tend to overcompensate because I feel bad for my family. Some traditional moves I make include: really intense and ridiculous craft sessions, over the top and difficult from scratch dinners that include the kid's help and crazy excessive outings.

Yesterday I went for the crazy outing, but overall it went well with the exception of me wanting to crawl in a hole and die from exhaustion somewhere around 8 pm. The kids and I got up and ready to go and then waited for the hubby to get home since he had taken my truck to work. Before he headed to bed, the hubby helped me load the masses, he threw the stroller in the car and off we went. First stop was lunch at Red Robin. Kids were so so so good! Haven and I shared a huge cheeseburger, I had onion soup, Britt had a kids burger and Gray a pizza. They behaved, they ate and everyone was happy. Then we headed over to the big mall where Carters and Old Navy were having big sales (40% off!) and I had coupons for 20% off and $10 off a $50 purchase! My goal was to get the baby outfitted for spring and summer and I think we did really well! I ended up spending under $120 dollars and got her 11 full outfits, 3 shirts, three outfits for a friend's baby and a dress for me! In addition, I got two $10 off $35 purchase at Carters and another 20% coupon that I can use together in March, so I will be able to finish buying her spring and summer clothes including her PJs! I am also super excited because I got her this beautiful white dress that looks like ones my other girls had at her age and were favorites of mine :)

After some serious shopping, and fending off Haven's request for clothes even though the child has more than she can wear, I treated the kids to Dippin Dots and we were off the Wegmans! Somehow we even managed that outing and got everything we needed with no yelling and no tears! Came home, made dinner and then ran to CVS to get the last few goodies for Valentines Day.

Today I am going to try to win wife of the year. I am looking for hotel rooms in NY for the summer right around Brittan and Teagan's birthdays. Husband is thrilled because he will be able to see his friends, and I am excited because the kids and I will happily sit on the beach with pizza for three days.

Realizations

There are moments where you realize that while your life may be difficult, you may face obstacles, you may face illness and pain and suffering, there are others out there facing much more, and doing it with such grace.

Please visit Eva and see the strength of this young woman who is suffering, and dying, from CF. Her spirit, her smile, her ability to see the end of her life coming and choose to approach it with a loving spirit is amazing, touching and inspirational. The topic matter is sad, I warn you, but look through her postings and you will see that she attempted to live every minute of her life, that she has been surrounded with love and has chosen to send love out to those in the world who she has touched.

I hope that I can live my life, teach my children, and battle our seemingly minuscule health issues with just one ounce of the joy, peace and strength of Eva. I hope that a miracle happens and new lungs appear, but if they don't, I thank her for sharing her story and wish for peace in her passing.

The good, the bad, the stressful

Well the DC metro area has set a new record with the 2009/2010 winter being the snowiest on record ever. Did I mention that our forecast has snow on Monday and next Friday and that yesterday's snow was "supposed" to be only a few inches but then became a blizzard? That snow in the forecast makes me nervous.

My husband and kids have been here the whole time. Ry worked from home Friday and Saturday and has been off through today and will need to work from home tonight too. He may be able to get out tomorrow night if he takes my truck, but we will have to see if a plow comes down our road.

The good to having everyone home? I get to sleep in, no morning rush, lots and lots of family time, the snow is pretty.

The bad? Cooking and cleaning constantly! Feeding the family has become a full time job, not to mention doing dishes and laundry. Having housebound kids makes for messes, and I am done with the constant busy noise that comes from a houseful.

The stressful? I don't get snow days from my FT job and the courses I am writing, however the PT school has been shut down. So trying to work has been tough. Thankfully I am almost caught up.

Kids are off through Friday at least, we will see what happens since Monday was a scheduled day off that they may make a school day to make up some snow days, but then again, there is snow in the forecast.

Off to start cooking some more...I will post some of what has been cooking here the last few days, and yes I am quickly becoming fearful of feeding the tribe once they get bigger and Teagan begins eating!

I choose to ignore

the massive amounts of snow and instead bitch about work, which incidentally is also crappy due to the massive amounts of snow *sigh*

OK, here is the work bitch. I work hard, really, really, hard. I am a really good employee and do whatever is asked of me, happily, I also live under the belief that I do what I do to help our students get a better life, to become well educated and to be successful in the endeavors.

Therefore it really irks the crap out of me when I am passed over for a promotion for my boss's friend, who is very qualified and a good worker, etc. but who has not been with our program as long. It was a huge slap in the face, and it destroyed my ego for a few days, and then I got over it, buckled down and got back to work. I will keep working, keep doing my job, keep taking the shit I am given for one simple reason....I need the income and I like my job working with students, plus the fact that they pay for my doctorate. I will not, however, forget what has transpired and will be making some career moves in the next few years since I feel I have nowhere left to move into. Work can suck it sometimes.

Mean or Motivated?

So Teagan is teething and somehow has decided that 3 am is an excellent time to wake up, scream, nurse, poop and then be all cute. She pulled that this morning, and during her cute period, managed to wake her brother who quickly became an whacked out leaping, spinning, noise making animal. That was lots of fun for the tired mama, and I was stressing about needing to go to the grocery store with all the kids with the 20" snow storm approaching and teh resulting crowds. If I could have avoided the store, I would have, but we were out of food as a direct result of having the kids only attend school for four hours this week, and I needed to go out and brave the crazy stores just to get food to survive!

So, as it rounded 5:30 am, the two kids that were awake and I voted to wake the older girls up....well, I voted for Teag. Woke those two girls up,and I admit I got a little wave of joy after all of the early morning wake ups they have given me, and told them to hustle. Fed everyone a hot breakfast, threw them in the car and made it to the store by 7 am! It was not too crowded, and somehow we survived and made it home with food supplies. The pickins were slim, but we made it out and the kids were rewarded with Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and so was the very tired mama.

Snow Boom

It has been a snowy winter here in VA!

To recap: We had snow the weekend after Thanksgiving with a few inches, storm before Christmas with just shy of 2 feet, snow last weekend of almost 10 inches, tonight we will get a few inches and we are expecting another winter storm Friday into Saturday!

Thank goodness I bought new snow pants and boots for the kids, last year we had almost no measurable snow, maybe one or two small passing storms, but this year it has been massive.

Now I love snow, but I need for our state to learn to deal with the snow and make my kids go back to school, they are going stir crazy and are so far off the routine, it is making me crazy!

Bits and Buggers

Ah yesterday was lovely and joyous. The snow fell, I made homemade hamburger buns and cinnamon rolls. The kids were fairly well behaved and the hubby stayed home from work.

Last night the baby had a rough night, she was up a lot and restless. She is gearing up to cut some teeth, so that may have been her issue, or it could have been the ginormous poop she needed to take and did at 7 am exploding everywhere. My wonderful, and well rested, husband took her, changed her and kept all the kids so I could sleep until almost 10 am! That is an amazing gift to a mother of four!

On the agenda today. Laundry and lots of it, and cleaning the upstairs. Kids have already done their portion, I have to straighten the master bedroom and we have a lot of laundry to fold and put away. The kids want to play in the snow, and I need to do some work. Hopefully we will have a nice quiet and peaceful Sunday.

More of the white stuff

Seems our area is getting hit with a nice little storm and I couldn't be happier. The kids are home, we have firewood waiting by the door and my plan for the day includes some work, a little cleaning, a little laundry and possibly some baking. I love looking outside, seeing the falling snow and the white ground....it is a perfect day to stay holed up.

The only negative is that the hubby has to work tonight. I am hoping he will get to stay home, either working or just hanging out, so we can all have a nice, peaceful Sunday tomorrow.

Off to get the bulk of my work done so I can spend the day snuggled with my kiddos, this was a much needed day off!

When did my baby become a fashionista?

My oldest girl has become very interested in her clothing and hair and has started putting together outfits. I hate to admit it, but she does a really good job pulling together a cute, and almost always age appropriate, look for herself. I love watching her express herself and seeing the budding young woman that is growing inside my little girl.

Gone are the days of sundresses and matching outfits with Brittan. Now it is all about accessories and mixing and matching. I miss my baby. I miss that little girl with the yellow blond hair pulled into wispy pigtails. I miss her chubby bare feet. I miss the toddler in a white dress standing in the kitchen. I miss that little girl, but I am also amazed at the journey we have taken with Haven, the hard times we have faced, the concerns and worries over her health, and the place we are now. The changes came so fast and furious. This year she will turn 10 and we will enter a whole new world of parenting.

OK fine

Happy Birthday to one who comments secretly on here.

And then there was light...

Feeling better today...told you my depressions are short lived. I cried a lot yesterday and planned and talked and then cried some more. I let the frustration go and focused on the positive. The changes we have put into motion WILL be good and they WILL be positive in the next few years. It sucks now, it is hard now, but it will pay off in the long run.

Today is a quiet day. Got the new changing table washed and put in it's new home and it is perfect! Moved the Pack and Play into the Living Room and now the baby has a place to nap. Some housework needs to get done, a little work and then I am forcing myself to bed early to relax and snuggle with the hubby.

Much better today.

Hey you there...care to pull me out of this hole?

OK, I have made a rapid descent into a mini depression. Don't worry folks, they only last a day or two with me, because, lets face it, I simply don't have time to be depressed.

Here is what is troubling me. I work. I work hard, really hard, every day and I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. On top of that, I am watching life run past and don't get to enjoy it. I don't get days off, and I am not even talking about from mom and wife duties, and I don't feel like I get any down time. This has to change, I can't live my life doing for everyone, working and not enjoying life.

So here is what I am thinking. I am going to schedule...yes schedule...two days a month for fun. One will be a family day, one will be a date day with my husband. In addition, I am opening another checking account at a different bank with a separate bank card and I am paying that account each week. I plan to give that card to my husband so I cannot use the money for practical things, and I will use it only for our fun stuff. I feel like i have to force this stuff, but I am always the first to give to everyone else and do for everyone else, I need to make time to make myself happy too. I need to experience this life I have worked so hard to build, and while I am really happy that the husband and kids get to live it up...I think I deserve a little fun too.

Let's hope I stick to it!

I don't roll with it

Oh man I am anxious.

I hate feeling unsettled and while I know that we are in control right now and that there was even news that the hubby's job is more secure than we thought...we are not trusting that. We are still on course to begin a major job search, and not knowing where we are headed is enough to make my head spin.

I am not someone who can roll with things. I cannot wait to see what happens. I need to research and over analyze everything. I have researched houses all over Long Island and Upstate New York. We have looked at jobs at hubby's current job but at a different location. We have therefore, looked at houses in West Virginia and my sister's neck of the woods. There is a HUGE difference in these!

So I am going a little nutty and probably will be until Ryan gets a new job. Then we can begin trying to figure out where we are going to live!

2010-the year of purge

Being that we are in flux and not sure where we are headed, I realized that I should work on getting the house ready to be sold. Now I don't anticipate putting it on the market any sooner than a full year from now, but upon looking around, I realized I may NEED that year to get ready!

Our house is a good size, and we have been here six and a half years and added two kids to the mix during that time. To say that we have many "Monica's Closets" would be an understatement.

So I have dubbed 2010 the year of the purge. First in line, the playroom. It was on the schedule to be redone next month, and with that will come a huge purge. My goal is to have minimal toys left for the big kids, and a play area for Teagan. New coat of paint, new curtains and new carpet will round things out.

Next in line, the master bedroom. We need better storage, so new dressers are on the plan. I also need to clean out the closet.

Then the Master Bath which will be painted and get a new shower and new floor.

The rest of the house will get decluttered, anything that is extra or not in use will be packed in boxes and moved to the garage...which also needs a good cleaning. My hope is that we get the house prepped and ready to be sold, small repairs made and a few bigger jobs done so we can maximize the amount we will make.

Wish me luck, I am fighting against the current on this one...four kids make organization seem impossible!

Ask and ye shall receive

My oldest girl has food allergies, and this morning she told me she had a dream that all the food at the bakery was trying to get her. See, she loves pastry, but she can almost never have it since most bakeries use nuts. So she asked me to please make her a huge, delicious cinnamon roll, and like a good mama, I obliged.

After dropping the kids are school, the baby and I came home, did a few things and right before leaving to run to the food store and to get Gray, I made a batch of Challah dough. Lately I make it with 2 cups of whole wheat flour, and the rest white, and it works well for sandwich and hamburger rolls and loaves of bread, but I wasn't sure about cinnamon rolls. Left the dough to rise and ran to the store, and while there, I made sure to grab cream cheese.

After getting Gray and a friend, coming home and feeding them and the baby, I decided to shape the cinnamon rolls. They came out great, although next time I will add more cinnamon and sugar inside, and I threw the rest of the dough in a loaf pan for sandwiches. After baking, the cinnamon rolls looked fantastic, so I decided to make a special frosting. Using cream cheese, butter, confectioners sugar and maple syrup, I made a maple cream cheese icing. The only thing that would make this better would be to add walnuts...but alas, then we would be back to Haven not getting any.

So now they are sitting there, tempting me, and I am trying to resist until my girls get home from school :)

Yesterday was good and bad

Yesterday started off rough but got progressively better. Today I have plans to stay home ALL DAY and get lots done, including some forced down time.

The morning is off to a good start, the kids were pleasant this morning and the girls got off to school easily. I have already vacuumed and had some coffee, and I answered a bunch of emails that I had pending. I have some more work work to do, but nothing too heavy, and I hope to spend the majority of my day doing laundry, mopping floors, snuggling with kids, baking muffins, and roasting a chicken. I need a homey day filled with cooking and cleaning and PJs all day long. I may even sneak a batch of cookies in there if I have the time!

Whirlwindy

We are back from our little trip...actually we got back around dinnertime on Monday. We went to Great Wolf Lodge and had a great time. The kids really enjoyed the waterpark and we had a really cool log cabin room. Even the baby had a good time and she didn't mind getting splashed at all!

Now we are home and back to reality :(

I start back to teaching tonight, and it looks like it will be a quick night tonight since my room I was assigned has no technology and I haven't reserved any...so we will be in an out. The baby had a well check yesterday and marched in at 49% for height and 45% for weight...she is a peanut for our family. We also noted to the ped that her feet keep going really purple when held upright and Teagan happily provided a demonstration while we were there. Given her cardiac history, the ped was alarmed and we made an appt for the cardiologist for today. Went to see our fave cardiologist who assured us that her purple feet were due to an immature circulatory system and it was not cardiac related, and then following her echo, he told her that as long as her murmur is gone by a year old, she is cleared as a patient...Hooray!

I am a wreck due to having too much to do and too little time, and I think the hubby and I have decided to make moving back home a reality if possible. I am not sure we will end up ON Long Island, we may in fact end up somewhere upstate, but we need to make a change and I miss being near people we know. So in a fit of tears this morning, I admitted I wanted to just go "home"

OK, off to prep dinner and for work...wish me luck :)

Leaving on a Jet Plane

or well...in a car :)

We live for our mini-vacation today. It will be quick, and I will share where we went when we return (safety first) and will like to make any would be robbers aware that:

1. We have nothing of value besides the car we will be driving, our laptops which will be with us and one of them kinda sucks anyway, and the kids.
2. Our enormous dog will be here...and I mean enormous, look back some posts and you will see our Newfie.
3. Our dog sitter will be here.
4. I have four kids, the chances of us coming home early or not even making it to the destination is great.
5. Seriously, we have nothing of value, we even have old tube TVs...damn kids cost too much money...hence they are our only valuables.

That said, I am trying not to worry too much about what the future holds and I am going to try to just enjoy the trip. Now off to bath the stinky baby, no stinky kids allowed in my car.

And I was just thinking how lately I have nothing to say

that will change now I am sure.

My husband came home and told me that his division is being outsourced to India sometime in the next year....but lets face it, once they tell you, it is sooner rather than later. Blindsided is not strong enough of a word.

Right now I am very anxious, but also know that we have time on our side. Hopefully it will be a few months before layoffs and then we know that there is a decent severance package, but one we hope not to need. We are in flux, especially since we had just laid out our plan for the next four years and a layoff was not in the cplan. I could go and look for more traditional full time work and make enough to support us, but that would mean daycare for the kids, and me being gone and everything we worked for would go up in smoke....so no dice except as a last resort.

Right now we are just breathing. Tomorrow we will go away as a family and have fun and Tuesday we will dust off Ry's resume and get it ready to go. He will look internally for jobs and for positions here in our area....but he will also look for jobs wherever we have family he can stay with, which includes NY. We understand that he may get a job up there and that he would need to be there during the week and only home on weekends, and that this may last a year before we can sell the house here and buy something up there. I really have no desire to move back to LI, but at least I know what I am getting there and we are comfortable with the area. We have family there, but that is more of a negative than a positive, and the idea of moving in the next two years was not in the cards.

Guess I will have loads to post as we navigate this one. I know that this may be a good thing and that regardless, we are fortunate that we have work and time...but still, I JUST made a plan!

I think we may make it

We are supposed to go out of town for one night tomorrow. This trip was rescheduled from Christmastime when the baby had pneumonia, and I THINK we may be well enough to leave tomorrow. I am excited since the place we are headed is super kid friendly and not far away.

We had one very small vacation last year to the lake house my parents rented, and by very short, I mean we were there two days and I was 3 weeks post partum. We have already booked the beach house for this summer with the Fallons and it is half paid for! We are also going back to the lake house this summer and I am hoping to get a camping trip planned for July. Now I am not a huge fan of tent camping, but Ry and the kids want to go, and there is no cash this year to buy an RV....so tent camping it is :)

Off to clean, pack and work.

How do you throw a life jacket

when you are drowning?

Seriously I have been stressed and overwhelmed and on edge BUT I know how good I have it. I am thankful for the stress because it means I have a job and income. I am overwhelmed by my house and kids, but heck, I have them! Most importantly, I have my health, my husband's health, the kids (relative)health and our families health.

A dear friend of mine has been sliding through a really crappy patch. Right now the very nature of what we all are thankful for when push comes to shove, health, is what her family is fighting against. Her children are healthy, thank goodness, and her husband, and she has been ill on and off, but so far nothing too serious. Her extended family, however, has multiple members fighting the cancer battle, and I see how much stress, pain and sadness this is causing her.

While there is nothing more I can do except be her friend, and really nothing more she can do except provide those family members with love and support, I still wish I could fix it. It puts it all in perspective when you watch a friend navigate through this maze, and while we all have high hopes that the family members will battle and be OK, it is so hard to watch my friend deal with all of this stress. So....since i know you read this....we love you and we are here for you, and you are doing a great job!

What to say

We have been busy adjusting to Ryan's new work schedule and me starting back after winter break. Still trying to dig out from all the junk that was pushed to the side during the holidays and the illnesses that we had.

Right now I just want to get through the week since we have a mini vacation planned next weekend....and I really, really need it!

A constant work in progress

We are a constant work in progress. My house never has sparkling clean counters except at midnight. All spaces are filled with projects. There is always something baking, cooking, rising or being eaten. There are art projects, house projects, cleaning projects, sewing projects and work projects. There are things being broken, made and planned. There are children growing up, a family growing together and many levels of love.

Our world is full of constant movement and flow. Our family is one that does for itself, makes for itself, and tries to live simply within the chaos of our surroundings. We choose this life, embrace it and believe it to be best for us.

I long for sparkling clean lines, a clutter free and quiet home, but it will not happen until my children are grown and gone and then I will still be baking four loaves of bread a week longing for craziness and noise and missing them like crazy.

This is my life, my home, my family and I am thankful for it all.

Happy Decade

Happy Anniversary to my husband, today we have been legally joined at the hip for ten years!

We had a rough start, I make no bones about the fact that I even thought we may not make it, but then we grew up, made good choices and here we are.

Today I believe we have a strong and healthy marriage. I enjoy spending time with my husband, and while our interests differ, we have come to a point where we are on the same page with all of the important things. I never worry about the kids when they are with him, and so many other woman don't enjoy the luxury of knowing that the kids are happy, well cared for, and probably having more fun, when they are with their dad. He is an amazing father and partner, and I am so happy to share my life with him.

We have found peace in our marriage and years ago when we chose to stay married, we took divorce off the table. This was the best choice we ever made, as we know that no matter what, we are there for one another. It has made us fight less, yes we disagree, but we rarely have BIG arguments, amazing what happens when you can't pull the big guns out.

Happy ten years Ry, thanks for sticking it out, sharing the good times and bad, helping create four amazing kids and letting me shine my forehead on your shirt. I cannot wait to see what the next ten years bring!

It is so sad when a high chair is the highlight of your day

but today it is.

Teagan needed a high chair, and having had many of these in the past, I knew what I did and did not want.

I liked the chair I had for my older girls, it was big and comfy and had a nice tray with an easy release. The problem was that it was BIG and the comfy part was a big, bunchy, cotton seat that held every bit and scrap and drip of food. It needed to be washed almost every day and it was really annoying. So while they were happy and comfy, we could only use it for dinner time since the cover was always being washed.

With Gray I started with a similar style chair and then moved to an all plastic model ala Ikea. It was nice since the whole thing could be easily wiped down and I liked that it had a smaller footprint.

For Teagan, I knew I wanted something with a small footprint that was easy to clean but comfy. I looked at the kind of seats that strap onto a chair, but our chairs are super bulky and I didn't want to drag it around. I looked at the regular high chairs, but they were so big. Then I found the new Evenflo Baby Go Chair and I ordered it.

It is perfect for us for now. It is lightweight and I can move it around the house as needed. It fits her nicely and it seems easy to clean. It folds up so we can take it with us on trips. It is about the same height as the table, so she can convert to sitting at the table. We may need to upgrade to a bigger chair if she wants to sit in her chair past the age of 18 months, but none of the other kids have, so I am anticipating pulling this up to the table or moving her into a regular chair.

Here is the cutie testing the new chair out

My couch has a definite warm spot

Since I am under the weather, I have been warming "my" spot on the couch today. Not to worry the fellow workaholics out there, the laptop and blackberry are strategically placed and I have worked a bunch today including a nice little chat with the boss and the folks in India. Housework has been pushed aside again, although I did trick the hubby into agreeing to do the dishes and he offered to take the older kids with him to the far away grocery store when they get home from school!

I'm sitting here bouncing the babe with my foot while she sleeps, and have been able to begin planning two major projects that are looming. The first is the kid's playroom, the other, the annual garden plan.

The playroom is located right off of our family room and I have been struggling to figure out a way to redo the room so that the older kids are happy, and the baby is safe. I think I have found a way to create a simple divider that can be moved when the kids have friends over. I found carpet tiles that I will be using in that room and I have a color scheme planned. I am going to go to the fabric store in the next few weeks to see if I can find something fun to make into curtains and I want to make some oversized floor pillows to try and deter them from throwing couch cushions on the floor. There are some fun wall decals that we will put up and I am creating centers for the kids. I want it to be fun and comfortable for the big kids, but also a good place for Teagan to play, that is a tough balance.

The other big project is the garden. We have just begun the seed planning and are pouring over the catalogs. I am leaning towards heritage seeds this year, we always try to avoid hybrids and have worked with organics, but the heritage catalog I have is so exciting and interesting, it might be the way to go. I am also planning to purchase a small greenhouse this year, nothing fancy, but enough to extend our season...any suggestions?

A mom's immune system

I know, I know, the kids are sick and you are sick of hearing about it. Well, this time I am going to talk about how I am sick...so different right?

Anywho....when the kids are sick, I can often feel the illness waiting in the wings like the second string dancers just itching to get out and ruin my performance. I feel the congestion, the sniffles sneak up sometimes and my throat feels a little raw. Somehow the adreneline needed to manage three or four sick kids, the coffee buzz needed to offset the lack of sleep and the general lack of focus means that while I know it is there, I am not actually sick.

Then it happens....they get well. The kids start to get better due in no small part to their loving mama, and I start to decline. Last night I could feel it, I felt worse than I have in days and when I went to bed, I was really under the weather. As I woke ten thousands times last night to feed the baby, I felt worse and worse, and then this morning, I awoke to the tell tale raging headache and nasty cough. The positive to all this is that I completed the briefs for the courses I am writing last night, the hubby is off today and was able to present me with cough meds and tea first thing, the girls are off to school (HOORAY) and I have very little I NEED to do. The negative is that I want to get my house back in order following the two full weeks of having my entire family here, trapped inside, sick. I also must undecorate the house, I am tired of looking at it and want to get moving towards the cheery hearts and reds of Valentines Day.

Damn immune system, can't you let me be sick when they are so I can get it over with?

Like drunk Frat Boys after a big party

is how we sleep.

I noticed this last night as I was settling down to go to sleep. Since the hubby works four nights a week, my bed has always been a place for kids to come for whatever reason. I have no problem sharing and as long as I get my small spot, I am pretty happy. Last night, as I started to settle to go to sleep, I noticed the arrangement in my bed. Teagan had fallen asleep next to me, but sort of in the middle of the bed sleeping across the bed (yes we cosleep, it means I don't actually have to wake up to nurse). Grayson had also come in due to leg pain and he was sleeping towards the foot of the bed, wrapped in Ryan's blankets with his feet hanging off, sort of on a diagonal. I lay on my side of the bed, also on a slight angle due to Grayson's position and then realized how silly it must look from above. Add to that that some nights one of the girls will show up, either in the bed or on the floor, and they just throw blankets on and pass out. We must look like we just fell asleep where we fell. :)

You can still visit me

even if you don't post that you do to my entry below :)

So, new year and most people make resolutions right? I hate that idea because there are so many things I resolve to do at various times during the year, loading it all in at one time seems unbalanced.

Here are some of my "goals" for 2010...and they were set awhile ago :)

I want to be a more patient parent, especially with Haven. It has been a rough year and she has been pushing a few limits lately, ones that will be bad if she pushes then when older (sneakiness, lying, etc) so we are trying to bring her back in now. She is a good kid, sweet and kind and caring when she chooses, and I need to see that in her more and try to work with her to change some bad habits.

I want to make more at home. Things are very busy right now for me with the kids home from school, the sickness that has run through, the courses I am writing and work in general. However, that doesn't mean that I can't make more at home. Summer is so busy with the garden and canning etc, winter needs to be productive too. I am resolving to find an extra few hours a week to work on sewing or other projects around the house.

I need to plan the garden, but I need the hubby in on this one. I need to find two new areas to grow in, our lot is so shady, it makes it hard to find proper places to set up small growing areas. At present, I think we will put in two more growing areas in spring, plant two apple trees and two fig trees this year, take down one large oak tree to allow the fruit trees room to grow and use the farmers market this year in place of the CSA.

That is about it for now. What are your goals?

Hide and Go Seek

The internet is an amazing place. Here we can find out how to make everything from jam to bombs and learn about history, religion and TV shows from the seventies. The greatest gift of the internet is the ability to connect with people. I have made new friends, ones I have never actually met in person, via the internet. I have also located old friends and formed new connections with them as well. I have used this same blog to praise those I love and complain about them, but having it here, open to the world, requires personal accountability. I enjoy sharing bits and pieces about my life. I am thankful for the kindness and support I have received through various online mediums when struggling personally or when I was just having a crappy day.

So in this new year, I ask that you come out of hiding and share with me who it is that is watching and reading this blog. If I know you, old friend or new, just drop a little hello in the comments. If I don't know you, tell me more about yourself and if you have a blog, please share so I can learn more! No blog, no problem, just say hi! If you are an enemy, although I am not sure I have many out there, then say hi too, maybe we can forge some new ground.

Happy New Year, may 2010 bring you all that you desire.

Bye Bye 2009

Wow, what a year it was. I am trying to find the worst of the worst to share with the best of the best, but all of the bad seems so small compared to the good. Yes there was the summer of broken everything, but that was also the summer Teagan was born and she trumps all. Looking back, those days and weeks of stress and hard times were nothing compared to so many joys we lived as a family this past year, and appropriately, the good memories remain strong and the bad are fading.

We have had our ups and downs like any other family, and right now we might even be on a small down with the kids sick, but we are here, together, happy, warm and safe.

Too many others suffered great losses in the last year. They lost loved ones. They lost jobs. They lost homes. Those are losses I hope no one ever has to endure, and while I would have liked to have had a working dishwasher after having a baby, that is so small compared to what could have been.

So while many of us look back on 2009 and we wish it could have been better, easier and more prosperous, remember all the good things that happened too. Be thankful for those you love, new and old friends, the comfort of home, a hug and a warm meal.

Pneumonia

Damn. Pneumonia is in my house again, and this time the baby has it. To say I may cry at any time would just be stating the obvious. I know that kids get sick, but this year has been bad since September and I am over it. Haven had pneumonia, then we all had the flu, now my sweet little five month old has pneumonia...why???

She had a cold before Christmas, it got worse the last few days so we canceled our trip. Took her to the doc on Monday and they said it was just a bad cold, clear lungs, clear ears, etc. She got worse and worse and worse and we went back today. She was tested for strep, rsv, had bloodwork and a chest x-ray. It took two breathing treatments for them to let her go home. From Monday to today she lost four ounces, and got pneumonia! Now what?

I am just so sad and stressed. I know how pneumonia will kick a kids rear, how every cold is a trail, and how bad this can affect her little lungs. Of course tonight is Ry's first night back to work since the 15th and I will be here alone with the four kids (Haven and Britt are sick too) and worried.

I need to get some tea, take some Tylenol and hold my baby. Hopefully she will stay out of the hospital. Prayers and positive thoughts please.

Everything in extremes

I am not one for moderation. I do school to an extreme. Work to an extreme. Lifestyle choices to an extreme. Coffee to an extreme.

A few years ago, my husband ordered me a home roaster for coffee beans, and after a few small "test" runs, I fell in love with the process and what it represents. I love coffee..love, love, love it, but hate how bitter coffee can be when bought from the store even when grinding fresh. I have had a coffee machine with a built in grinder for years and years, but once that met up with fresh roasted coffee beans, I was over the moon. I order my beans online from a few different sources, this last batch coming directly from the farm that grew them. I love supporting farmers and knowing where my beans come from, plus I get awesome tasting coffee for super duper cheapo!

This Christmas we got me an espresso machine to help with a growing addiction to a certain coffee stores peppermint mocha. It wasn't that their beverage was so superior, I just didn't have the equipment! The machine we got was very inexpensive, but had great ratings, and for home use for a single user, it totally rocks! i bought some beans preroasted here in town but will be ordering green ones to roast soon. We grabbed peppermint and vanilla syrups at the store to help feed my addiction and I have been making myself cappuccinos and lattes every day. Ah, bliss! I can only imagine how tasty it will be once I roast the beans myself!

That's what you get!!!

Oh if I could get a cash payout for every time I hear, "That's what you get for having four kids....or a big family...etc" Today I heard it three times from three different people, and then while we were out getting everyone ice cream sundaes, Haven APOLOGIZED for us having a lot of kids! Ryan and I laughed and asked her what she was sorry for, that she and the other kids didn't ask to be born and the WE weren't sorry, in fact WE were the ones that wanted each and every one of them and WE are THRILLED!

She then explained that she thought the I do too much for them and not enough for myself, and that made her feel like I didn't get what I wanted because of the kids. I explained to her that there is nothing that I need and the few small things I might want, I can either go and get or they are not important. I also explained that there is not a single thing in the world, free time included, that I would trade for our family.

The best part of this life we have is that both Ryan and I love it. While we get stressed, and there are hard days, we still love it. Do we approach things differently than when we had one or two kids, yes. Is that OK with us, YES!

So here is the kicker. We make no promises that this is the end to our family. I am not sure I can carry another baby since I have had three c-sections, but we plan to do foster care in the next few years and are open to adopting any children who come into our home and need a permanent home. So it is our choice, 100% and yes we know that this is what we get for having a big family....and we are loving it!

Christmas Wrap Up

Whew. Christmas is over. The kids had a wonderful day, they were adequately spoiled and my parents came to visit bearing a vacation as a gift. We were supposed to leave today to go to Great Wolf Lodge to stay in an awesome Log Cabin room, play at MagicQuest and the water parks and have a blast, but unfortunately, we have two sick kiddos. Haven has a nasty cough which has been making her asthma really bad. We were going to push through and go anyway, but the baby has had a cold that turned into a high fever and nasty wet cough last night. The other two kids are also a little under the weather, so it only seemed wise to rebook the trip for a few weeks from now. I want them to really enjoy the trip, to be crazy waterpark maniacs, and that wouldn't have happened today.

So we are home and recovering and it is really for the best. My mom was good and bit her tongue and didn't tell me that this is what we get for having so many kids....and therefore I was good and didn't tell her that waterparks and life in general is so much better with so many kids. While it can make you crazy when they are all sick, the joys out weigh the negatives.

Happy Birthday

to my favorite (and only) husband!

I cannot believe we have been married nearly 10 years and share the joys and trials of raising our four kids. We have come a long way, through some tough times, and I am thankful every day that we both made a choice to fight for each other. I love you, and hope you have a wonderful birthday!

In the wee hours of the morning

Teagan and I seem to have a cold, it is the same cold the other kids have and while it is not terrible, it is a bit annoying, especially for the baby. She has a very stuffy nose so eating and sleeping with a pacifier are almost impossible, and she has just started to develop a bit of a cough. All of this came together this morning at 3:45 when she decided that she was up for the day. I tried, until nearly six, to get her back to sleep, but she just cooed and babbled and fussed at me, and I feared she would wake the other kids, so we came downstairs. Now at 7 she is blissfully asleep, and I am up baking muffins for the other kiddos. There is something peaceful and special about sitting in the dark family room listening to the music of the baby swing while the family sleeps. I know that soon the other kids will be up and noisy and silly. That Ryan will wake up too and he and I will need to begin the day, more shoveling, more cleaning, more tending to kids. But for now, I will enjoy the quiet moment, my cup of coffee, sweet sounds coming from the little one next to me and the smell of blueberry muffins in the air.

Try to relax

OK, so I am officially off from PT school, FT school and doctoral program. I am writing a course, but will work on that in the evenings only...the rest of the time I am trying to relax. It is not going well.

See, the problem with juggling a very busy and active lifestyle is that when it stops or slows down, I can't. I am sitting here at 9:15 and my head is spinning...I feel the need to rush and switch laundry, vacuum, do dishes, clean the house...rush....rush...rush....except, there is no rush. I have nothing to do today except to go to the grocery store, dust two rooms, regular upkeep and make chicken soup for dinner. That is a really light day for me. I could dust the two rooms and straighten them within a half hour, laundry is a constant in my world and I will just need to switch the loads, the kids will fold their batches, and dinner needs to be started around noon. But yet I feel the rush rush of my normal life.

Tomorrow I hope to veg all day, even if I have to force it.

Whinge whine and blah blah blah

What good is a blog if it is all glitter and sunshine and bubbles? See everyone has bad days, some worse than others or more often than others. I try, and I do mean TRY, to minimize my griping on here since I want this to be a good reflection of my intentions and realizations from the day. Well here is the thing, some days, no matter how you try to swing it, or pretty it up with bows and bubblegum, some days just suck.

Today kind of just sucked. It started out okay, but then it headed downhill and took out everything in its path. I won't bore you with details, and if you are a mom you will be able to fill in the blanks pretty well, but here are some highlights.

Snowpants and gear X 3 small kids.

Kid dragging shovel up to TOP of HUUUUUUGE hill in almost 2 feet of snow....and leaving it there.

Kid fight club

No laundry getting done club.

Husband sleeping until 1, and I was counting the minutes until 1, and then back to lay down at 4 because his head hurt.

The realization that the two big kids would be home Monday and Tuesday and that there was still too much to do for Christmas.

Grading that never ends.

Forgetting to complete half of a final project.

Realizing that I will have nothing, not one single itty bitty thing to open on Christmas from anyone. My parents are giving the family a trip to Great Wolf Lodge, Ryan's family won't send anything for me, and my husband and children planned nothing for me, nothing. That was the worst part, because I really could give a damn about a present and don't want for anything or need anything, and I really wouldn't want a lot of money spent on me, but come one, a few framed pictures the kids drew, or a mug?

That one really stung and now the hubby feels bad and wants to overcompensate, but I don't want "stuff" I really would be happy with playdoh wrapped in macaroni and painted, so long as they thought about me a few weeks ago.

Guess we are on winter break

since we got almost two feet of snow and nary a plow has passed our house, school was canceled on Saturday for this Monday and Tuesday, the only two days they were to attend before break. I am not so sure I am excited about this since last week I had Britt home two days, and I really wanted the two extra days to get ready for the holiday. Thankfully, Ryan was only supposed to work last night and then he is off until the 30th, and he remoted in due to the weather last night. We will see if having the entire tribe home will help or hinder my ability to get things done..I am putting my bet on hinder.

All that is left if to get the prints for my parent's gifts, pick up the ham, sweet potatoes, milk and veggie dip, and buy a plastic bin for the kid's craft supplies. Then we are all ready :)

Happy Snow, pics to come :)

Oh my word

It is almost 5 am and I have been up since 3, there is something about extreme weather that makes me all jittery.

The kids are going to be over the moon tomorrow since there is already a ton of snow out there and the big amounts haven't even hit yet! We also have one car that already landed in the yard and is stuck there....interesting to see how many more show up and if anyone hits that car. Good times.

My big plans for the day include:
1. Wearing what might be the most comfortable outfit ever, although not the sexiest...flannel PJ pants with Christmas polar bears on them, a tank top (for easy nursing), my new FT school hooded sweatshirt with the big ole front pocket, and my green striped sweater boot slippers that my husband hates but that keep my toes oh so toasty. Good thing I am not going for sexy :)

2. Grading-really only a few assignments that must be done.

3. Paper-final one of the class and it is mostly done.

3. Laundry-no snow days from that!

4. Baking-more Christmas cookies and probably bread.

5. Roasting-a nice big chicken dinner on this snowy day

6. Snuggling-with kids and husband under warm blankets by the fire, watching Christmas movies all day long.

7. Stirring-lots of homemade hot cocoa on the stove.

What are your plans if you are snowed in today??

Whoa SNOW!!

Popping in to tell the world that our area is due to get 1-2 FEET of snow between now and Sunday morning. Where we live, this is very uncommon, not unheard of, but uncommon. Kids will be thrilled, mama will be snuggled up with a fire and daddy will be going out in the snow to get the wood for the fire.

White Christmas here we come....

When bloggers go MIA

Oh boy are things crazy here. Here is what I need to do before Monday!

1. Grade 40 papers for PT school..I did 40 this morning
2. Grade all my FT school's work for the last two weeks plus the class I am covering for our other FT'er, that is 17 assignments in all!
3. Rewrite a paper
4. Make a six more kinds of cookies
5. grocery shop for the holidays
6. clean the house
7. design a course...yes a WHOLE course
8. go to a party
9. Take the kids to the light show
10. Figure out what to get my parents for Christmas and finish the gift I am making them
11. Bake cookies for Haven's school party and bread for the teacher breakfast.
12. All the regular stuff....dinners, cleaning, laundry, child rearing, etc.

I may be MIA :)

Are we sure this is Virginia?

Seriously, the weather has been so bizarre this year! We have already had decent snow and they are calling for more before Christmas. Don't worry, I am not complaining, I LOVE snow, but it is still weird. Last year we had a bitter winter but with very little snow, I am hoping that this year is different, so much so that I did the unthinkable, I ordered the older three kids snow pants!

Usually we get one or two decent snows, and I make them suffer with their old too small snow pants or send them out in jeans and hope for the best (and a lot of laundry) but this year I splurged and ordered them the snow pants. I hope they get to use them this weekend!

Surprise....just when you thought it was under control

things go a bit haywire. Truthfully, it is not a big deal, but one of the other FT folks at my school had her baby early (hooray for healthy baby boys!) but that left me with one of her classes to cover! I appreciate the extra cash I will make, especially with Christmas coming, but it was not on my list of things to-do. Needless to say, the list has been adjusted, and we are now on track!

This week is off to a slow start. Brittan, Grayson and Teagan have some kind of cold/virus and they are a bit under the weather. I am getting cookies baked and work done, and that is about it given that I am not sleeping at night due to a crabby, stuffy baby. I figure the housework can wait! I have some grading to complete for PT school, a paper that is due tonight and a 6 more kinds of cookies to make over the next few days.

We also have some fun plans for Friday. We have a new drive through Holiday light show, and I am planning on taking the kids there and maybe to Friendly's after. I do have to admit that there is a selfish aside to the trip, there is a fabric store I want to go to and a grocery store that has the honey ham I need for Christmas Eve on sale, but shhh, don't tell the kids!

So close I can almost taste it

We are almost there, the one time of the year when I am off from EVERYTHING all at once! I have to grade finals from PT school this week, I have a week and a half left of both FT school and my class I am taking and then we are off for a few weeks.

During this time, Ryan is also off a bunch and I am so excited I can hardly stand it! I cannot wait to plan some fun activities for the family. I see a trip to the Botanical Gardens and/or the Museum of American History in our future and I know we have plans to go to the National Harbor for Christmas Eve/Ryan's birthday.

The presents are all purchased, the tree is up, the house is decorated and about half the cookies are baked. We have had our Hanukkah feast and have been lighting our candles each night. Winter Solstice will be a day of creative and natural crafts and a feast...possibly that will be the day we go to the light show nearby.

I am getting excited, and if I could get a decent nights sleep, I would be well on my way to getting the last of those cookies baked!

The chosen path

Today after getting home and celebrating the first night of Hanukkah with the kids, baths, dinner, etc, I settled in to read up on the days events and was saddened to see that Michelle Duggar gave birth yesterday to her 19th baby 3 months early. I felt my heart fall heavy in my chest just as it does every time I hear of a baby born so early and so small.

In reading the article, I saw the comments that were made regarding the story, the family and their chosen path and I was so saddened by just how insensitive and down right mean people can be! Now I in no way shape or form adhere to the Duggar's beliefs or faith. I do not wish to bear as many children as possible, nor do I believe that it is my duty in the eyes of God to be fruitful. I do, however, respect the choices that they have made, and find comfort in seeing that they are raising their children in a faith they believe strongly in and with arms and hearts full of love. Obviously I only know them as they appear on television, but I respect that they have made it a priority for both parents to be active in their children's lives, especially the father in the lives of the daughters. I can understand the criticism that others have for the family, thinking that the older children are raising the younger, but it is only wrong if the older children do not like having that role within the family. I respect the path that they have chosen, that they choose to live debt free which is something most of us are unable to do, that they created a home that looks to be loving and attentive, that they give the majority of their earnings from the television show to charities they believe in and that they have remained true to their chosen faith. Not my chosen path, but respectable all the same

I have to say that there were two comments made that really made me sick. One was that this was what happens when you have too many children and that the parents were selfish for bearing so many children and not being "good Christians" and instead of bearing their own children, they should in turn take care of children who need homes. Hmmm. Why should they be responsible for the babies of others? Why is that their responsibility and why should they not be able to have their own children because other mothers and fathers are unable or unwilling to take care of their own babies? That makes no sense that they should be responsible for babies needing homes, especially when one stops to understand their beliefs and faith.

The other comment that bothered me stated that this was a "sign from God" that they stop having babies and that there is no way that they could love all those children enough. I am sorry, but whoever made that comment must not have more than one child, as I know that when each child was added to my home, I was able to love them with my full heart....that is the amazing thing about love, along with faith, there is an infinite supply.

So, I have the Duggar family in my thoughts tonight. It must be terrible to know that their newest child is on the brink and that the road will be long and frightening and in the public eye. I also know that if that baby girl needs support or love, there are more than enough hands, hearts and arms available to rock, hold, stroke and love her. That should she face life long challenges, that there will always be a loving sibling to help her and support her throughout her life, even when her parents can no longer care for her. That my friends, that is the blessing of a large family and I hope that the newest Duggar grows big and strong and proves all those naysayers wrong.

I may be biased

but this kid is pretty darn cute!

No such thing as lazy Tuesday!

Tuesdays are always an early morning for us since Haven has to be up at school for singing practice at 8 am. Today went pretty smoothly, the little two were still sleeping, so I got the girls up, dressed and fed. By the time I brought Teagan and Gray down, the girls were nearly ready to go and we avoided much of the usual morning craziness.

After dropping Haven off, the other kids and I cam back home and I roasted a batch of coffee for the morning, vacuumed, started the morning fire and began to get ready for the baking today. This morning I need to make the ruggelach and I will also be trying a new lemon poppyseed cookie which is exciting since Ryan and I both LOVE lemon poppy so much, we had it for our wedding cake! I hope the recipe is a good one so that we can celebrate our wedding a little each Christmas :)

Other than that, I promised to make more chocolate chip cookies, I have a paper to write and some work to do...today will be relatively quiet....for a normal busy day!

Crabby babies make for long nights

My sweet Teagan has been replaced by a fussy, crabby, red faced babe. I am not sure of her issue, but fear it is a combination of an off schedule, too much company, weird nursing schedule and teething all rolled into one. Thankfully, after Friday, I am off until the end of January. I will be using this time to work on getting her on a much better sleep schedule including a big afternoon nap since we are always home to get the girls from the bus.

I have begun the holiday fun, but did not get to make the cookies I wanted to today, I am just too sleepy! I did make it to the store to get the brisket for this weekend, and the hubby stopped at Wegman's to get the other stuff I need for baking and cooking...the pantry room looks like a bakery with all the flour, sugar, and butter! This afternoon I will get the ruggelah dough made, it need to chill overnight so I need a jump on that. Otherwise I am calling today a bust for cooking, and I am okay with that!

Been busy in a bad way, going to be busy in a good way

Oh my my it has been crazy around here! Thankfully today marked the first day of the Kelley family holiday season. Yesterday we had our first snow and it was a good amount which is crazy in VA! Then we went with my parents to see my niece in the Nutcracker, she was Clara! The day was terrible, awful and horrible...my niece was wonderful, my son not, so much so that I sat with him in the very cold car while everyone else ate dinner....and my baby was in the restaurant! Anyone have ideas for getting a defiant five year old in line, he is making me crazy!

Today, however, was magic. I had almost no real work to do, and I wasn't planning any major house cleaning beyond washing diapers, regular vacuuming and dishes. Today I was cooking, and nothing makes me happier than spending the day warm and snuggling and cooking up a storm!

I began cooking Christmas cookies making chocolate chip which are the ones I always make first. Then Brittan and I made Challah bread ala this recipe, it is fantastic and wonderful and I appreciate her posting it!

I also made beef and barley soup for dinner and made the baby some strained peas. She has begun trying to face plant in our food, so I decided to try her on some peas and rice cereal today....she was not happy with it. I will give her a few days and try again, but it was pretty darn funny watching her pull faces when I gave her a spoonful!



Tomorrow will also be a baking day, I have twelve kinds of cookies to bake for Christmas and Hannukah. Hannukah starts Friday, but we will not eat our feast until Saturday since I work Friday. Saturday will be brisket, latkes and if I can locate a nut free ruggelah recipe, we will have that, otherwise, jelly donuts. Winter Solstice is December 21st, we will celebrate by making pine cone bird feeders and having the Feast of Favorites...this is a meal where everyone got to choose their favorite thing and we will have it...makes for an interesting meal! The Christmas comes and we have all the goodies associated with Christmas!

As you can tell, we celebrate all the winter holidays. As we are really of no religion, we feel it is important to share in many customs. My kids are not spoiled through the year and don't get many extras, so I enjoy taking the month to really celebrate our family and indulge the kids. They will receive small items for each day of Hannukah plus a big Christmas. No presents for Winter Solstice, although that may change in future years, I have an idea involving the forest fairies :)

Runaway

It was a long day. The children were needy, and trying, and by bathtime, I was just done with it all. Add to that the stack of grading I had to do, dinner clean up, vacuuming, baby baths, and so on, and I was REALLY done. Just then a few kids decided to throw fits, and I knew that I needed out. I got up, grabbed my keys and told the husband I was leaving, and with that, I walked out the door leaving him with the screaming kids and baths.

Now before anyone jumps all over me, I have kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with the exception of the two days I leave to go to campus to teach my SECOND job. All day while wrangling the four kids, I also do a full time job and take classes for my doctorate, plus cook, clean, do the doctor's appointments, shopping, laundry, and so on and so forth. When I stood up and walked out, was Ryan mad? Put out? Even annoyed? Nope. He knows by now that when I get to that point, let me go, get things back under control and all is well. He understands the pressure I am under daily, and that I can almost never walk away from the reality of the chaos, so when I need a break and it is available, I go for it.

So what did I do? I got in my car and drove to Starbucks and ordered a peppermint mocha and a peppermint brownie. Did I sit there, enjoying the blissful quiet? Nope. I got my stuff, got back in the car and headed towards home. On my way, Ryan called and told me three of the four were in bed, that he loved me, and that he was happy I got a treat. Why did I not sit at Starbucks and take full advantage of being out and about....well because I DO have four kids, two jobs and a doctoral program, and I am needed at home. That little break, that treat just for me, that was all I needed, and the support I got from Ryan made it so much better for me. Knowing I can walk away when needed and that he understands and will hold things together is priceless, especially given our crazy life!