Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A note

I have thought long and hard as to whether I wanted to write and post this, and it may sit in my draft folder most of the day until I am sure.

On another blog I read, the writer needed to switch her blog location because people from her past were reading it and it made her uncomfortable. I can understand her plight and support her in her choices. The person who commented yesterday is one from my past, and I knew he read the blog in the past, but it is a bit creepy that he still be so invested that he read it and comment to it. It is also a tad crazy for him to think that I, while pregnant with the stomach flu, with a family getting over the stomach flu and kids home for a snow day, would ever think that it was his birthday. Until I saw the note, it never crossed my mind because I have my own life and world, and he is not a part of it.

People from the past can do one of three things, they can bring you back to who you were when you knew them, that could be positive...or not. They could become a new friend who embraces your new life and world, and you theirs. Lastly, they can bring their old baggage into your nice little world and try to make you feel bad.

This person, an ex, was tough for me to get over. My marriage was hard at times, and I thought that I had made wrong choices. What I needed to learn was that I did make the right choice. My husband loves me, even with my crazy faults. Marriage takes work, lots of work, but if you invest in it, the payoff is tremendous. Knowing that this ex never could invest in our relationship, I cannot imagine what a mess a marriage would have been, and if there were children involved, it would have been traumatic.

Every day I am thankful for my life, and I have worked hard to get where I am. It is not easy to have three kids in four years of marriage while getting a masters and trying to change careers. It is stressful to suffer through layoffs and odd schedules and a feeling that you are alone a lot. What I now know is that my husband and I both have worked to create a world that is best for our family. We have a nice home, not perfect and always a work in progress, but a nice home to raise a family in. We have jobs that allow us to be home for our children. With the exception of needing someone to bridge the gap on Monday nights while the kids are sleeping, my kids have us to send them to school, and us here when they come home. I am home all of their school breaks, and all summer, while making a decent living and finishing a degree. This takes hard work, it takes planning and it takes dedication to your family.

I feel bad for this ex, not because I feel he in any way wants me, but he wants what I have. He has always wanted to be successful, and to have a family, and now in his mid thirties he has neither. It must be hard to see everyone around you grow up and achieve when you keep hitting walls. You can insult my husband, my life, my education and my existence, but at least admit in the quiet of your own mind, that you are unhappy with your life. I would think that anyone who knows me and my family will attest to the fact that we are as I represent us, dirty laundry and all, and in no way do I claim that this is a perfect life. In fact, it is one filled with bumps and bruises and bad days, but along side those come hugs and kisses, sweet little smiles, first steps and school plays. All of the daily work, something we all get caught up in, can be mundane and difficult, but we do it because our goal is the joy and happiness of the family. So go, please, enjoy your life. I hope you find what you are looking for, but I promise that trying to make me feel bad won't work, I know who I am and what I want, and I have it.


A Jersey Girl said...

Good for you! I am so proud!

Tribe Mama said...

Thanks, it was a long time coming. Thankfully I know where my heart and life is, it is in this very messy house full of the people I love...not to mention that crazy family who over decorates for all the holidays, they have my heart too :)

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree with you more. When you are pregnant every ten minutes, you have no time to focus on problems, and everything seems much better. You clearly have found the solution.

A Jersey Girl said...

WOW Eric, I am surprised by your continued jealousy and bitterness. I know that there are two sides to every story, and I have only heard Bec's, but it has always seemed to me that SHE was the one holding on to the "what-ifs" of a life with you, but now I am not sure.

Is it that you actually have regrets over how things ended with her or that they ended at all? Or are you comments just attempts to manipulate her and question her choices, just so that you can make yourself feel better? It is pretty sick to do that to some that you claimed to have ever loved.

I think you should release your jealousy and bitterness and focus on making a life for yourself with real goals.

Hey, if marriage, kids and a steady job are not what you want great, but don't knock her for working her ass off to get it- that is what she wants.

Good Luck Eric-

Tribe Mama said...

Interesting...even after being "pregnant every ten minutes" I have STILL managed to be more successful in all aspects of this life than you. Lay it out...I am surrounded by people who love me, I have the respect of my peers, my students and my coworkers, and I have almost completed the highest level of education and will before I hit 35. You...not so much.