Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Need to breathe

So, if you get anything about me from this blog, you see I am a bit busy. I am just one of those people who needs to be crazy busy or I don't know what to do with myself. One nasty side effect of this is that I concentrate so much on task, that I pack other things away inside. One nice friend told me I compartmentalize my feelings, that even if my husband is being a hurtful jerk, I can put that in a little box and still get on with my day. I know this about myself, and I also know what happens when I have too many little boxes stacked up, I need to let everything out. One way I used to do that was I would draw or paint, in fact, it seems odd to me NOT to paint and draw. I wasn't in it for the end result, but for the process. I would blast music and get all of that emotion out, and I have to say that I have gotten through many tough and trying times this way.

Since having kids I stopped drawing and painting. I made a few futile efforts, but I never seemed to be able to find that place I needed, or the time, especially when the kids were really little. Husband suggested a few times that I set up in the garage, but it is messy and cluttered in there (his domain, not mine, hence the mess) and there are bugs and dust and dirt and it just seemed like it would cause more stress. I am getting ready to move my old table/desk out of the living room and put up bookcases. When I do, there should be room for me to put down a small tarp and set up an easel. While I can't blast music at night when the kids are sleeping, I can stick my ipod in my ears and turn the music up. I have such a horrible itch to get a brush in my hands, I have so much frustration and anger that has built up for years. I have sadness and joy and a range of emotions that I can't even comprehend. I hope that I can get this small area set up and that I can find clarity again.


Anonymous said...

Hey Becca, did you vacuum yet today? haha! Your posts are so interesting. You have a very full life, don't you? It's clear to me that you really give 100% to all you do. I hope you can someday give 100% to relaxing too!

Tribe Mama said...

I did vacuum, twice and Emily vacuumed once while I was at class.