This week on Raising the Tribe

I have never been at a loss of stuff to blog, but lately time and appropriate, ie non-whiny blog fodder has been lacking.

So...here is what we have been up to.

Dad seems to be feeling better today which is a big relief, I am hoping this is a new trend because he is never ever sick and we were getting worried that the surgery caused more damage.

I took Finn for his blood test Friday.  He was less than cooperative.  We now get to wait 6-8 weeks for the results which we expect to confirm his diagnosis.  Then we wait to see how the disorder affects his body.  Oh and both babies have check ups at the cardiologist Monday, we know how to party around here.

Work has been busy, but they are finally giving us real vacation time which equates to five weeks off a year for me.  That is crazy since I am used to working on every vacation we go on, one of the many "joys" of working from home.  Needless to say, we leave in a few weeks for a trip to see a cute mouse and I will not be working for the first time in SIX years of family vacations.  I am already looking at what we can do next spring and summer, it is liberating!

Kids are all doing well, so well in fact that they are loud and crazed most of the time they are home which is making the mama have to work really hard to find the good parts of the day.  I know it is a phase, but they seriously need to stop fighting and being loud or I am moving into the shed out back.

We are again exploring places to live.  We like the idea of staying here for the kids, but to maintain the lifestyle we enjoy, and to keep five kids in clothes, food, activities and the general good life they enjoy, it means I would have to keep working as much as I am now.  I really would like to find somewhere cheaper to live, so we are trying to see if there is anywhere that will work that will make me, the kids and Ryan happy.  Still waiting to see what happens at his job, he says it is very quiet which may mean they are getting closed down soon which will give us more choices in where we go.

So that is it in a nutshell.  I have a wicked headache today and need to go out later to get an orange shirt for Grayson and make campaign posters for Haven who is running for a school officier position, and it is gloomy as heck.  I am dealing with the dinner issue by throwing a pork roast in the crockpot to make my favorite gloomy day pulled pork, and hopefully I can get motivated to make biscuits.  Happy Sunday.

Getting old sucks

Ugh.  That is what I have to say.  My dad had his surgery Friday and is home but still not feeling great so they are trying to see what might be going on.  We also got the paperwork for Finn's blood test from the geneticist.  Boy am I glad that they included all the information on what they are testing them for, nothing like having every possible complication laid out in black and white to make you feel at ease.  Scheduled the blood test for after playgroup this week, and then we wait at least 6 weeks for results to confirm the diagnosis. Sometimes being a grownup sucks.

Apple of my eye

I slept last night.  I slept a lot.  All the stress of stuff with my Dad, Finn, work crap, school stuff....all of it faded away last night when I went to bed at 8:30.  Yes I had to feed Finn through the night, but holy cow, sleeping from 8:30 until 7 was pure bliss even with the four or five wake up calls from the little man!

Today I woke a different person than I have been for the last few months.  I felt pretty good, calmer, happier, easier and it was nice.  We managed to get it together for the whole family to walk out the door with everything we needed and a lunch packed and hit the road to Apple Country up in the Northwest corner of the state.  We headed to our favorite apple farm, Marker Miller Orchards, for some family apple picking.  This awesome little farm is located a few minutes from my sister's house, and while we didn't plan for it, they were able to stop by the farm for a quick visit before heading off for my nephew's karate class.  My crew had a great time, we picked about 60 lbs of apples which is half of what we normally get, but I was nervous about getting too much since we are leaving on a trip in a few weeks.  Kids played on the playground, we got a load of apples and we had a really nice day out.

Got home, fed the kiddos and prepped for school tomorrow and then Ryan and I broke out the apple peeler/slicer/corer and got to work on the first batch of applesauce, which is cooked and waiting to be canned tomorrow.  This year we will can applesauce and sliced apples in syrup, and we will also dry a bunch of apple slices that we use in granola bars and oatmeal all winter.  Looking back now, I am thinking we should have grabbed another 20 lbs...time will tell if we make the 3 hour round trip drive  again next weekend :)

Today was not my BFF

I have thought for awhile about posting what it is like to have a larger than average family, you know, the extra cooking, cleaning and laundering, but today I am just not up to it.  It has been a long and tiring day full of meetings, work, little ones, cooking, fighting to get my picky eater to eat, dishes, homework and phone calls.  Finally heard back from Children's Hospital regarding the genetic testing, insurance denied me getting the test but approved Finn so we need to go in for the blood work and then sit tight for 6-8 weeks for results, no sweat right?  Hubby talked to his mom who is a mess and ended up incredibly stressed after the call since she is falling apart and there is nothing we can do at this point to help and not much we will be able to do once everything completely explodes.  Then we topped off the evening with a call from my mom telling me my father's stress test went poorly and he needs to have a catheterization Friday to see what is going on...swell.

Welcome to September!

It has been almost two weeks since I have blogged, that may be a new record!

We have been busy getting the school year underway.  Haven is loving Middle School and has adjusted well.  She is making new friends and is liking the freedom that comes with being a bit older.  I am hoping this is a great year for her full of new experiences, friends, learning and fun.

Brittan and Gray are settling back into school too.  Grayson loves his teacher and is enjoying first grade and Brittan is off and running in fourth.  I expect they will both have great years as well.

I am liking my schedule at PT school.  I was worried about having to be on campus three days a week, but I really like teaching the senior level class and I enjoy leaving after the kids have gone to school and getting home before them, it makes for a less chaotic day for everyone.  The babies are doing well with the schedule too and I feel like I have more time to work and get chores done now, I even have the babies in a playgroup on Friday and they had a lot of fun last week.

Lately I have been working on preparing for Christmas.  I know it is only September, but with five kids and busy schedules, I need to plan ahead.  Shopping is underway and I think the babies will be done by the end of the month.  The big kids are always more of a challenge, so I will start on them after our trip to Disney in October.  I am also thinking of hosting a Christmas Open House here this year, just a get together of friends with yummy cookies and treats and company, sounds like it could be fun :)

Of course I cannot let today go by without mentioning the anniversary of September 11th.  I, like most of us, remember all too clearly the horror of that day and the great sense of sadness and fear we all felt.  Of course in the days that followed we also learned of the bravery of so many, both those in uniform and those regular citizens, and I hold onto that as I explain the significance of today to my older children.  I do not want them to be afraid, but want them to understand why this day is so important and how it impacted all Americans and people around the world. In my care are four children who were not born on that day 10 years ago and one who was just a year old at the time, so to them it is just a day we talk about, but I hope that as they grow and they learn more, they walk away understanding that violence is never the answer and that bravery comes in so many forms and actions.  I am thankful today for those that strove to save others through their choices, I think of the many families for who today brings them great sadness and loss and I hope that we never see something so horrible again in any of our lifetimes.

Quick Updates

Tonight was my first night back at PT school and I am tired.  Bonus is that I get to go again tomorrow...and Thursday.

So here is a quickie update:
1.  Earthquake aftershocks suck, but have slowed and are barely noticeable anymore.
2. Hurricane Irene came and went.  Kids and I left town and headed to my sister's as a just in case, but somehow our area did not lose power or have damage. Ryan says the big bands that caused issues in Richmond slid around our town and missed us :)
3. Back to school craziness begins this week, I am back at PT school and we have MS orientation Wednesday and meet the teacher at the elementary school Thursday.  Busy busy.
4.  I do believe Finny has grown a bit, an outfit I put on him today seemed a bit short.  Mind you it is a one piece green striped Mini Boden outfit I got him for around Christmas last year, you know when he was three weeks old.  It WAS a bit big on him then, but he really is a peanut and hasn't grown since March or so.  *sigh*

That's it, let the craziness begin!

Rollercoaster

Things here have been crazy and busy and emotionally filled with big time highs and just as big lows the last two weeks.

Finn-Saw genetics, posted about it, basically we are riding this one out and waiting to see what happens when the testing is done.  I am crazy worried about his cardiology appointment next month, for some reason I feel like things have changed, but that could be my paranoia.  He has started babbling more and he is still a big, doughy, ball of sunshine.

Gray-He turned 7 last Saturday and his day was negatively impacted by my stupid Father in law.  I won't write much on it since I don't want to upset my husband, but this man is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life and I am tired of him choosing anything and everything over his son and grandchildren, one of which he has yet to meet.  He totally screwed up our plans, but we fixed them as best we could on Gray's actual birthday and then had a great day Sunday, we bowled with his friend's family, went to Cold Stone Creamery and then scoped out some land we were interested in.

Earthquake. We felt it, it was super weird and it was located only about 50 miles from our home.  Being that we are used to crazy explosions, low flying military aircraft and the occasional sounds of machine gun fire in the distance thanks to a local military base, it is saying a lot that this threw us.  Thankfully there was no damage and aside from the aftershocks that are a touch off putting, the earthquake is behind us.

The hurricane.  We are waiting to see what tomorrow brings, but it appears we are in the line of fire here.  Being that we have a very wooded lot with old mature trees that sit on a hill behind our house, we are planning to leave and stay at my sister's house on the west side of the state.  While I am not afraid of a hurricane, I am worried about damage from tree branches and would rather not have my kids be scared for 12-24 hours if there is no need.  I am hoping the house survives with no damage, but this is a crazy storm and we will have to see where it hits and what happens.

So it was a good week of celebrating our son and seeing friends, a rough week of dealing with stupid family and weird weather.  Guessing I will check back in once we meet up with Irene.

Our Grayson is SEVEN!

I cannot believe it, but today our third child and first born son turns SEVEN! Where has the time gone?  Grayson is such a sweet kid, he loves to love on the babies and was so excited when he found out that baby #5 was going to be the brother he had longed for.  He is a funny kid, loves to recite commercials to us and still enjoys being the "baby" of the big kids.

Grayson is a smart kiddo, he did awesome in kindergarten this year and he is excited for first grade to start in a few weeks.  He has recently become a burgeoning video game addict and he loves to play Lego Star Wars and as of today, Lego Harry Potter.  Thankfully he is good about limiting the Wii time and he also really loves his collection of lego sets and can spend hours in his room building and creating.

I could not imagine a day without Gray, he is such an amazing kid!

Our boy

I don't talk much about our kids health as I have said before, but we are in the middle of some stuff with out little guy and I figured I would detail it out here just in case someone else comes across this and it rings any bells.  So here is what is happening with our little Finn.

Finn was seen by the genetics team at Children's Hospital yesterday as he has three distinct heart defects and is not growing properly.  They determined he does not have Williams Syndrome which is the chromosomal defect most often related to his specific heart defects.  They determined this based on his physical appearance and that he did not have the traits of a child with Williams.

Here is his history:
In utero-normal growth, normal fetal echocardiogram, Chroid Plexus Cyst in brain found and then resolved by 25 weeks gestation

At birth-Finn was a normal size for 39 weeks gestation, 8 lbs 7 ozs and 19 inches long

Since birth:
Finn was checked for hip dysplasia, his hip "clicks" when manipulated-x-ray did not show any malformation

Finn experienced an "episode" of either a seizure or passing out-blood sugar when checked was very low, subsequent blood tests did not show anything alarming or out of the ordinary

Finn was seen by two cardiologists, he has SVAS-supravalvular aortic stenosis (I have this as well), bilateral arterial pulmonary stenosis and a leaky aortic valve.  He is being followed by cardiology to see how the defects change during his growth.

Finn is hitting most of his milestones, but not always on time or slightly delayed.  At 8 months 3 weeks he can sit, army crawl, palm items and pass them back and forth.  He can bear weight on his legs.  He is not very good at grasping with his finger and thumb, he does not pull up and cannot when we try to show him, he does not crawl with his belly up, he can not get to sitting, he does not wave but will reach for me and cries when I leave the room or put him down.  He does not babble, no consonants, but makes vowel sounds (ahhh, ooooo), he does not seem to recognize his name or when we say no.

He has not grown at all in the last 2 1/2 months, he has been stuck at 17 lbs and 27 inches this whole time which puts him close to the 10% for height and weight, although he eats a lot still nursing every 2-3 hours at night and eating a lot of solid food.  He cannot eat chunkier solids, like small pieces of banana or cheerios because he will gag, but he has a hearty appetite otherwise.

He is a very poor sleeper, naps OK but up many times during the night to eat.

He is "floppy" and the geneticist says he is "doughy" and his skin and muscles are very soft and he has low muscle tone. They also stated that he has hyper mobility and is very flexible.

Finn is a very happy baby most of the time, he smiles a lot and likes to be held, but he seems like a much younger baby not only due to size.

The genetics team suspects some sort of elastin issue and believe it may be genetic and will be testing me first to see if I have it.  If I do, we will then see how Finn is doing and proceed from there with either more testing and/or therapies.  If I do not have an elastin issue, they will then begin screening him for different genetic and chromosomal defects.

As a mom, my main concern is development and growth.  We are not sure why he is not growing when he eats so much, and he is very different than the other four kids who hit all miles stones on time and never fell below 50% for height (most are closer to 75%)

I am beyond frustrated.  I understand that the genetics team needs to do things one step at a time, and that they need to watch him to see how he grows and develops, but it is hard for someone who is a control freak to have to sit and wait.  Regardless of what is going on, we will do whatever it takes to figure things out for Finn, but if you have experience with any of this and want to share, we would appreciate it.

Away we go...

The week has begun with some positive and negative notes on the horizon.  Today the crew worked on cleaning things up around here while I worked on, well, work!  Last night I sent off the first draft of Chapter 3 of my dissertation, so that is off my plate momentarily.  Tonight we promised the kids a game night, so after dinner we will sit down and play for an hour or so before my weekly work call.

Tomorrow we will go for Finn's appointment. I am dreading it.  It will be over in 24 hours.

Wednesday the hubby took the day off so we have some things to do around the house and basically I hope to cram in some extra family time and togetherness.  Thursday Ryan's Dad may, or may not, "stop by" as he drives by our house on his way to Florida, where he is moving, and he told us Saturday.  Being that we have not seen him in over a year, and he has never even seen Finn, this should be interesting.

Basically, I was looking forward to this week, and now it is kind of out of control.  Deep breaths, deep breaths....

Ripped wide open

So I try to keep things even keeled here, keep my emotions in check, show the brighter and better side of things as much as possible.  While the blog is my journal, I don't put the raw emotion out there much, to be honest, I don't put it out there much in the real world either, especially when it comes to my kids.

Right now I am feeling raw and ripped wide open.  I am scared, I don't get scared when it comes to my kids much and can easily list the few times it has happened (Haven catatonic at ER age 3, Haven shock at allergist age 5, Haven MRI to check for brain tumor age 8, Grayson hospitalization for asthma and tests for leukemia-yeah steroids for screwing up his white blood cell count age 2, and Grayson almost drowning last summer while surrounded by adults age 5).  Considering my 11 years of parenting and five kids, those are the times I have actually been scared, and for most the fear passed quickly once the child was stated to be OK.

Tuesday we see the geneticist for Finn, and I am scared.  Seriously scared, like I want to skip the whole thing and take everyone for ice cream because it seems too big to deal with.  Do I know that it could be much worse, yes.  Do I know that even if he has the syndrome they are checking for that he will be OK and we as a family will be OK, yes.  Does it help, no.

I look at that baby boy and he is so full of love and sunshine and I hate to think that his world may be limited in any way.  I hate thinking that he could be taken advantage of if he has this because he won't understand that someone is trying to hurt him and it makes me sad that certain things will be hard for him, especially learning.  I worry about the health aspects too.  We know about the heart issues, and we already are mentally prepared for what that may mean down the road...let's just say regardless of the outcome Tuesday, he will not be able to play any sports and surgery is a real possibility.  I also know that kids with this syndrome do die from some of the health aspects, not many thankfully, but it happens and that simply breaks my heart in two.  The next few days are going to be trying.  I do OK during the day but the nights are hard especially when I am holding him in the middle of the night, dreaming of what his future holds as I did with all my kids, and wondering if he will have those same choices and opportunities.

Today, I am scared and sad and hopeful that we will be shooed away by the geneticist Tuesday.  That they will tell me to take my boy home, fill his head with a lifetime of dreams, and know that while he will face obstacles as all children do as they grow into adulthood, his will be the run of the mill kind.

But tonight, I am scared.

Um, what did I order?

It has been wacky the last few days.  Our bank was bought out by another bank and everything switched over last weekend.  Then on Wednesday I get a call that someone charged a plane ticket in Australia on my debit card...swell.  Got that taken care of thankfully, because seriously, nobody better be flying around Australia on my dime except me!

Then today I ordered....drum roll please.....running shoes.  Like for real running shoes that should cost a ridiculous amount of money AND I got the sensor that goes in the shoe and syncs with my phone.  In one regard I find it really amusing, and if you could see me run right now, you would seriously consider why I got running shoes, BUT, I really want to keep the program going and well, I got some junk in the trunk so I need to protect the tires, or axles, or whatever the car equivalent is for my knees and feet.

Anyway I have been researching the best shoes for my needs and knew I wanted the Nike+ technology so I found the style shoe I needed and began pricing it and all together it should have been about 160 bucks.  Then today I found them on sale, with an additional coupon, through EBATES with 10% cash back and free shipping!  It was like the stars aligned and the running gods said, "Run tribemama, run with your jiggly rear and order those shoes!"  So I did, and for about 80 bucks I am getting my new sneaks and I'm so stinkin' excited, and the running gods are pleased.

The road ahead

For the first time in weeks, I feel like everything is almost under control. My dissertation is moving along and I am almost done with Chapter 3 and will be sending it for review at the end of this week.  My chair reviewed my survey and had minimal notes which was helpful in meeting my goal, and I have some changes that need to be made to Chapter 2 but nothing horrific.

I have just about finished a big project at work that had been dragging on and once that is done this week, I can begin to organize my course for PT school for Fall term.

Kids have been pretty good, they have been helpful and fairly well behaved.  I am looking forward to some family time next week.  We need to take Finn to see a specialist at the Children's Hospital and then afterwards have some fun plans for the kids, just as long as the weather turns out to be as lovely as it says it will be right now.

School starts soon, PT school for me and regular school for the biggies.  I signed the babies up for a playgroup once a week which will be a fun little outing, plus it should score some good naps ;)  Did I mention that the hubby is taking a day off next week, and it is his short week so he only works two days...yippeeeeeee!

Is it winter yet?

I don't know why I always think it will be easier/calmer/quieter in the summer, it's not, ever.  Something about the heat which coops up the kids or makes going out a sweaty endeavor is just miserable.  While I love not having a set schedule, I am over the heat and I am anxious for it to finally cool down a bit.

Fall is around the corner, and with it comes my scheduled work time at PT school, a kid starting middle school (EEK!) one starting first grade and one starting fourth.  The babies will both be home all year with me, although I am hoping to get Teagan into an activity or two during the day, playgroups or gymnastics, etc.  She really likes seeing other kids her size, and she is very social, so I want to get her out a bit.  Fitting it into my work schedule will be interesting, but I will make something work for her.

Big kids will keep swimming, it is an easy once a week activity, they all love it and I love their teachers and the school. I am sure Haven will find things she wants to join in MS, so I need room for that along with Ryan's crazy work schedule and my jobs.

Right now I am looking forward to cooler days, days where I want to bake all day and snuggle up with my babies in the afternoons.  Days where it gets dark early so we can all hunker down and spend time together and feel a bit less pressured.  Please let it be a snowy, snowy winter full of glorious fires in the fireplace.

PJs and Pots

Today is one of those gloomy, quiet, inside in your PJ type days.  Kid's are being calm, a good side affect of the gray skies, and I have managed to get a lot accomplished this morning.  I have my sitter coming in a bit to wrangle kids while I work on my dissertation all bundled in my polar bear PJ's and dinner is already started.  On a day like today I like to throw a bunch of stuff from the fridge into a pot to see what we can make of it. My theory is, if it tasted yummy the first time, it should taste even better the second :)

Right now I have an diced onion cooking in my dutch oven and once soft I will add some shredded chicken left over from roast chicken the other night.  I also have some left over roasted potatoes that will make their way in at some point and probably some peas later.  I am thinking of adding some Sazon for seasoning, maybe some chicken stock to make a sauce and cilantro if needed for flavor.  Serving it up over basmati rice with cornbread on the side.  Sounds pretty yummy for leftovers!

Country Roads

Today was farm day.  I love farm day, not so much for the nearly hour long drive with five fussing kids in the back, but for the scenery.  There is something about winding country roads, green rolling hills, cows and horses and lush trees that calms my soul.

Even when I lived on Long Island growing up, I used to always head east when I needed to clear my head, east towards the farms and the quieter small towns.  There is just something about the lack of clutter, the space between houses and the wide open breathable air that makes me feel comfortable.  Someday soon I hope to have that ride, down the windy treelined roads, past the fields, to my home where I will look out the door and just see nature.

I know you are all wondering

what I have been up to, what's for dinner, what the kids are doing...or maybe not. I rarely think about who is reading here and I just write what I want, although I do stay well aware that someone is reading here and I am cautious about what I share about our lives, the kids, my husband, etc. as a blog is a mere glimpse into our lives, not a moving picture of every blessed and damned moment.

So anyway, where have I been, well...I have been out to dinner with my husband to celebrate our anniversary. I have been to swim lessons with kids, and the grocery store without.  I have been to a job interview and scored yet another paying side gig...I do believe I may have more gigs than kids.  I have been tired, bone numbingly tired and overwhelmed to the point of drowning in my own internal "to-do" list.  I have also been angry lately, really really angry and while I understand why, and for the most part my husband understands why, it sucks to wake angry and go to bed angry.  I am trying to get over it, get past it and start anew, but it is a tough task when I wake each morning with too much to do, too little time and even less sleep.  Anger sucks the life out of you, and I haven't had much life to give.

I will add one small bit because I know when I read blog posts like this I alway speculate on why the person feels the way they do.  I will come straight out and say my anger has nothing to do with my husband or our relationship and has everything to do with things beyond our control, schedules, non-sleeping babies, crazy work stuff, school, and kids.

I admit

I admit that I wish I had more free time, but I go a tad cuckoo when I have too much downtime.

I admit that I want to move back to NY or up by my sister, but I will miss our town and the people we know here.

I admit I hate our house, it is just not a good layout for our family, but I am thankful every day that we got "trapped" here and not in our tiny townhouse.

I admit I love my kids, but having everyone here in the summer and trying to work is really difficult.

I admit I like working from home, but I miss having an office to go to where I could work with minimal distraction.

I admit I am sick of my dissertation, but know I need to finish it.

I admit I love my husband, but wish we could spend more time together doing fun things and not chore/work things.

I admit I know that my body can not handle another pregnancy and birth, but I am sad that I will never be a part of the miracle and wonder of bringing a life into the world again.

I admit that we are totally planning to adopt and/or foster, but we need a bigger house first.

I admit I am far from perfect, but I keep trying nonetheless.

I admit I am nervous about Finnian, but I know that we are loved and supported.

With that, I admit the little guy is up to eat again...off to cuddle him and soak up his baby sweetness.

I did not drop dead

I did it.  I did the first day of the Couch 2 5K and I survived.  I did the workout as designed with music in my ears on my treadmill and it felt great.  Even though I am terribly out of shape, I have five baby belly, I am exhausted 99% of the time and my stress levels are through the roof, I still forced myself to do it and I am glad.  It felt great.  I feel great and I am looking forward to doing it again Saturday!  I am hoping that this will help with my stress since we were just dealt a new card with Finn on Wednesday so my levels were topped off a bit.  It will be a hard few weeks, but we will get through like we always do.

I do have to give some credit to my kiddos for letting me escape for 30 minutes to my room to get in my workout.  Teagan was tucked in bed and the three biggies were kind enough to watch Finny downstairs for me so I could have the time I needed.  I am positive that the ice cream I promised them had nothing to do with it :)

Time to get a grip

OK, it has been almost a full week since I blogged and that usually means I am stressed, and I am.  I have too much going on as usual, and when things begin to feel out of control, every little thing makes me crazy.  It is time to get a grip, so here is what I am trying.

1. I am getting work done.  It sucks to work all day and all night, but I want these work projects done.
2. I am making time with the kids.  My work schedule is nuts, and then when I have free time I am dealing with everyone's needs (food, laundry, errands, listening to stories, etc.)  We aren't having as much fun as I want, so I have scheduled time for that too.  We went to my sister's last weekend, swam in their new pool and had a great time stress free.  Tonight will be ice cream out.  Ryan's brothers are supposed to come in two weeks so we will go out and have fun with them, and I am trying to throw a camping trip together for the week of the 15th.
3.  Doctors and dentist-Getting the kids in for check ups at both the dentist and ped. in the next few weeks to check these needed tasks off my list before school starts.
4.  I have my new fancy socks for the treadmill.  I have the lubricant for the treadmill.  I have my iPod. I am starting the Couch25K today.  Do I believe I will run a 5K anytime soon, nope.  But I WILL have 30 minutes to myself three times a week with my iPod stuck in my ears and my music or an audio book playing, and I need that.
5. Breath.  I am trying to breath and understand that all of it doesn't eed to be done right now.  The house  tasks don't all need to be done while I am writing a course, writing a dissertation, teaching two extra classes, doing my FT job and all the kids are home for summer.  I have a hard time seeing the small steps, but I am working on it.

So that is where I am.  I know that I need down time to be productive, and I am trying to fit personal and fun time into an unforgiving schedule. Sometimes it just seems so hard to make 15 minutes for myself a day to recharge.

Sharing is caring

Like anyone else with a public blog, I struggle sometimes with what to share.  Whenever I share something the kids did, whether naughty or cute, I consider how they will feel down the road if they read what I wrote.  If I think they would be upset, embarrassed, angry, etc, it doesn't get included.  The stuff related to the kids is the easy part, deciding what to say about how I feel, what I am going through or dealing with at a given moment, my true inner workings is harder to balance.  Sometimes I overshare, and sometimes I don't share it at all, and most of the time it falls somewhere in the middle.  For me, sharing the hard, the scary, the frustrating will often come after the fact, after I have sorted and muddled through, I share.

I am mid muddle on a few things...hoping to gain more insight next week so I can share more.

See Mama Run

So I have been thinking of doing the Couch 2 5K training.  Ok stop laughing now.  Really, stop.

Here is the back story....ages ago I used to be healthy and fairly fit, even with my heart condition I could run and would run taking a few minutes of walking to catch my breath only to run again.  I liked running, and while I was somewhat limited due to my heart, I did it anyway and I miss it.

Fast forward and I am not in running shape, in fact I am not sure what shape you would call me.  I look like I have had five kids and well, I don't want to look like I have had five kids.  I still have the heart condition so I will need to work around that, and I have no plans to actually run a 5K, but I want to feel fit again so I am thinking of giving it a whirl.  My guess is, I will do each week for two weeks and hopefully I will get where I want to go.  Now I just need to get the husband to oil the treadmill for me, download some good audio books and find 30 minutes a few times a week to get on the treadmill.  Fingers crossed right?

Our Brittan

Our Brittan, kidlet #2, Bubbles and the sweetest child on earth turns 9 today...NINE, where oh where has the time go.  It seems like yesterday she was staring back at me with her huge eyes, smiling from her highchair or playmat or swing, you know a nice safe distance :)  I am happy that she has come out of her shell and Brittan can hold her own in this noisy house.  She is our baby holder and lover, quick with open arms to grab a baby without a request. The little ones adore her and run to her when she comes home from school.  Britt is growing into an amazing young lady, she is sweet, kind, smart and most of the time, a very easy child to be around. I am anxious to see what the next year holds for our girl, and am so thankful that the powers that be sent her to live in our family, she brings an amazing balance to everything and we would be lost without her.

The Tornado turns Two

Tomorrow my sweet baby girl, my crazy little mischief maker, my singing and dancing fool turns two!  I cannot believe that it has been two years since we met our Teagan.  She is such a joy, silly and sweet, quick with a hug, so smart and such a happy little soul...except when she's not, because she can be stubborn too :)

Oh my Teagan, we love you so much!  I knew I wanted a fourth child but could not have imagined how much we needed you, how much love and joy you bring us everyday and how blessed we are to get to call you our girl.  The big girls and Grayson fight for your attention, Finn lights up when you walk in a room, you make me laugh every single day and you can make your Daddy's day with a hug and smile.  Happy Birthday Teagie Jayne, we love you so much!

Butterflies

We have been wanting to move, dreaming of moving, pining to move for years but now that we are actually planning to move I am getting butterflies.  Should the housing market keep moving in the right direction, our house could be on the market in less than a year, and that scares the bejeezus out of me!  Everything looks good on paper.  We know what we need to sell for to move.  We have the very long list of house repairs we need to do before we list the house, from small things like touching up paint or painting some of the ceilings, to big things like replacing the front door and finishing the master bathroom renovation (and this one is BIG).  It is doable, but figuring out how much of everything to do is mindboggling.  We need a new front door, but do we just buy a new door and paint the frame and leave the current sidelights (not expensive) or do we put in a brand new door and brand new sidelights to the tune of 2-4K (VERY expensive).  What will give us the best return on our investment?  Given the rocky state of the housing market, how much should we put in to get out what we want.

The process is frustrating, but also exciting.  We know where we want to go and it is beautiful there.  We have researched homes and think we can get what we want.  My jobs come with us, and Ryan will be looking for a new job or may actually be able to do his current job remotely which would be awesome.  I have run figures and it all works out great on paper, but we are still waiting and it makes my insides feel shaky and I get nervous.  This is a big leap for us.  We are taking three kids from their friends and schools and moving them to a whole new state.  We are changing everything and hoping that we will get everything on our "need" list and most things on the "want" list.  This is what we have been working for all these years, and I just want it to go smoothly and for all seven of us to get there happy and in one piece.  However, there are two HUGE stressers that I must overcome.  How do you show a house when you work from home, your husband works nights and you have five kids AND OMG how do you pack a family of seven!

Great day

We had a great day today, super busy, but great!

The babies got up super early this morning, but Teagan was happy to lay on my bed next to Finny and watch Sesame Street while we waited for the big kids to stir.  Fed the masses and touched base with the hubby who was on his way home and got everyone ready for swim.  Ryan got home and got the new grill assembled before we had to leave and then we were out the door.  The first stop was at Target to get new swim goggles for the girls since theirs have been missing since the NC trip.  I also grabbed an iced coffee for me and iced tea for Ryan.  Then we ran to the pool for swim lessons.  The three big kids had great lessons and we made sure they were set up for August too.  We LOVE the place we do lessons!  They are so good with the kids and the groups are super small, Grayson has 1 on 1 lessons and my girls are the only one working with their teacher, it is awesome.  I offered the kids different activities for Fall, but they all wanted to keep swimming, so we will be there until basketball starts for Brittan.

Babies were good during swim except Teagan drank almost all of Ry's iced tea :)  After swim we went to Subway for lunch and then headed to the farm where we met up with some friends to pick blackberries.  The patch just opened yesterday so it was tough finding enough berries, I am sure next week will be a different story, but we still picked over 5 lbs.  We also grabbed some fresh corn, eggs and our milk order.  It was HOT picking the berries especially with a sweaty Finn sleeping in the sling on my back, but the kids had fun and we now have yummy berries to eat.  We then headed to Sonic for some treats to cool down and Gray's friend came home with us.  The kids headed off to play and I prepped dinner, colby jack stuffed burgers and some of that corn on the cob from the farm.  (Dinner was amazing, loving the new grill!) Gray's friend's sister came over with their mom, they played some more and after they left we ate and got Teag off to bed.  Poor baby was so tired after no nap and a busy day that she screamed and cried when I brought her upstairs and took her to get a bath instead of going to bed.  She kept running to her room pointing to her crib asking to lay down :(  I bathed her quickly, dressed her and read her her book in the rocker and she practically leapt out of my arms into her crib.  The big kids roasted marshmallows over the warm coals in the grill and then everyone cleaned up and headed to bed.

My sweet husband is beyond exhausted after working last night and then staying up all day today, but he wanted to be with us today and enjoy the outing and he never complained once about not sleeping and played with the kids, helped lug stuff and helped make the burgers. He was super Dad today for sure.

Small moments

I am in this for the small moments, the glimpses, the mere seconds sometimes where you are able to step outside yourself and the craziness of motherhood and see those precious babies growing into people, good people.  No one slept well here last night, most of us were still up at 3 am and while we hung in bed until 8 I was still dreading today since we had outing we had to do.  I couldn't have been more wrong, my big kids totally rose to the occasion and when I talked to them about what needed to be done and how they set the tone for the day with their behavior, they totally got it.  They were helpful, with Britt and Gray working together to drag a box of toys were were donating to the car.  The girls helped get the babies in and out of the car multiple times.  They were helpful at Home Depot while I purchased a new grill, listening, asking well thought out questions and generally being good and kind to one another.  After Home Depot I took them to a little pizza buffet place for lunch since Britt had a coupon for a free meal from a school award.  They were awesome!  Britt helped Teagan with her food, Haven helped Gray, they walked and didn't run, no shouting just good kids sitting and eating their meal....it was awesome!

I decided to push my luck and run to the grocery store since we were out and again they were awesome.  It was so easy, we were in and out, Haven helped me pack the groceries while Grayson sat quietly, and if you know him that alone is amazing, and Britt stood with Teagan and the cart with Finn.  Came home and put babies down for naps and the kids cleaned up the playroom begrudingly, but it was done and we had an easy evening. 

I live for these days, when I see they big kids acting, well, big!  When I see all the years of hard work teaching them, talking to them, encouraging them to make good choices actually paying off.  I know they are growing up, I see their faces changing and they like music and video games now, not trucks and baby dolls.  I still have two babies here that have all those years ahead, but seeing my big kids pull it together today was so incredible, I can only hope the two little ones follow their example.

Payback is, well, you know

Holy hell yesterday was unpleasant!  I had a million work calls and I only got word on some new folks late Tuesday so I was trying to catch up with them, get my courses ready, do the coaching thing, be on a committee call and parent five kids and manage a household.  It was a long long day but the kids were pretty good, everyone was fed and everything was relatively organized.  Guess that is what I get for having such a lovely day on Tuesday!

Today is another work crazy day with two more calls and general tasks, but nothing as bad as yesterday.  Thankfully the hubby was kind enough to pick up our Quail Cove order this morning on his way home-just a small order of 36 lbs of chicken, 12 packs of bacon, four jars of juice and 2 lbs of Amish butter.  Add that to the quarter cow we just got and we are stocked full, which is a good thing since the kids eat a TON!  I had been dreading lunches with the kids, but they have been doing well eating the choices I have given.  Yesterday was grilled cheese, day before I used leftover meatballs to make meatball subs and today I am making taco salad bowls with taco meat, lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese....just wish we have avocado which would make it perfect.  Then dinner will be roasted veggies with pasta and baked stuffed clams. Thank goodness I enjoy cooking, feeding these people is a full time job!

A much needed break

Today has been a good good day.  It is one of those calm days where everyone is getting stuff done, but it is leisurely and easy.  I am currently laying in my bed watching TV and blogging at 4 pm!  Dinner is in the oven-BBQ chicken, corn on the cob and baked beans, yum! Ry is downstairs with the babies and the three big kids just came inside after having a lemonade stand with the neighbors, everyone is content and the house is peaceful.  Calm..it feels good.

Give and Take

The last few weeks have been stressful with trips, heath concerns, more trips and schedule changes.  It has been so crazy that even my super even keeled husband was feeling some stress so we chatted about it today and I hope he was feeling better after our talk...especially since I had a total and complete meltdown later in the day. *sigh*  Why can't I ever have a little chat about my feelings, instead for me it all comes out in hyperventilating tears.  Thankfully he loves me when I am sane and when I am crazy, and I love him all the time too :)

We had big plans for the Fourth, we were taking the kids to dinner and then to a local park to watch fireworks.  Dinner went well but afterwards it was starting to rain...and it looked a bit ominous, and well, kids+park+rain=no go for us.  On our way home, we stopped at Target for a few things and let Teagan pick out a potty chair.  Then I ran into Old Navy since I had a Groupon to use and they had their Buy 2 get 1 free promo going on and I scored three shirts for me and three skorts for Teagan and used my 20 dollar Groupon and paid a whopping 5 bucks out of pocket.  That totally rocked :)

Came home and as we brought the new potty in Teagan started trying to get her shorts off telling us she wanted the potty.  Humoring her, we put her on and she peed within 30 seconds!  She will be two in two weeks so I was SHOCKED.  Guess potty training has begun!

Happy 4th everyone, I hope your weather was better than ours, that your kids were good and that you are lucky to have a spouse that loves you no matter what.

I would make a crappy clown

Juggling, lately I feel like all I am doing is juggling, doing the best I can to sort of do everything that needs to be well enough to keep from dropping the ball.  The house, kids and my job(s) are not the main problem, although they do cause me stress and take up a lot of time, they are not what sets me on edge.  The one thing that is making me feel like I am about to drop the ball is my dissertation.  It is just not getting done.  It is taking forever and I don't have the time I need to just sit down, somewhere quiet, and write.  That will change this week because it has to change.  I think about it all day long, and while there are moments I *could* write something, I don't have the blocks of time I need to organize my thoughts.  I need to be able to sit down, reread what is written, review my notes and then write...that can't happen in 15 minute increments.  It is stressful, it is overwhelming and I understand now how people just stop at comps and take the ABD status.

Maybe and Might

Today we are home and not leaving this house no matter what!  I feel like I have been running around for the last three weeks and all I want to do today is clean, bake, cook and relax.  I have big plans to make a double batch of bread/rolls so I can freeze some, plus I am making empanadas for dinner and need to make the yummy spiced chicken filling which cooks all day long. 

I was going to slowly attack the cleaning this week since everything is a wreck from the back to back trips, but my MIL called yesterday and told my husband she *might* come for the 4th.  WTF?  Who says they *might* come to visit, especially since it has been nearly two years since she has come here, and she has not even met Finn yet!  Ugh.  We have a full house so to make room for a guest is a bit of an undertaking, plus the bathroom door upstairs is not on yet and she is a vegetarian which means I have to plan meatless meals and buy the ingredients.  We also had plans for the 4th and the kids will be bummed if we have to miss it because we are stuck waiting for her here, she is less than reliable or timely so we never know if/when she will show up.  I am really hoping she lets us know today if she is coming or not so I can either kill myself preparing or not....what a pain.

Herding cats in hell

I tell my kids all the time that when we are out and about it is sometimes like I am trying to herd cats as we move through a store.  One goes one way, another stops in front of the cart, another might be walking backwards...you get the idea.  I know it is a bit crazy making when I go shopping with everyone, so I try to go when the stores are not packed, usually during the week.  Sadly we only rolled back into town last night and we were basically out of food except for rice, beef and chicken which I buy in super bulk, so I needed to go to the grocery store.  I then had the swell plan to go today...with all the kids...on the Friday before Fourth of July...at LUNCHTIME!  OK, not my finest hour but I was trying to clean up some this morning and the hubby is in the midst of training/working hell and my brain was not functioning well.

On the agenda was Wegman's and the farm.  Wegman's was pure hell...pure H..E..L..L.  My kids were being good, they were listening and really trying to stick close by but it was so crowded and everyone there seemed to need to stand either in front of the item we needed or stepped between me and my cart with Finn and Britt and her cart with Teag.  Seriously, she is a teeny tiny almost 9 year old pushing a 2 year old, they didn't think maybe she was with someone, like the crazy lady with three other kids that look just like her?  So we kept having to try to get her back with the group or swing kids over people's shoulders trapeze style to get some broccoli or squash, but somehow we made it out with everything on the list and only a few small items that weren't and I wasn't too stressed.  Next up was the farm which is so much easier since the kids just sit in the car with the air conditioning while I  run in.  The sweet corn is in so I quickly grabbed a dozen and will probably get three or four dozen next week to freeze for winter.  Got our milk and cursed the fact that I left three bottles at my parent's house and had to pay the deposit on two bottles today and grabbed two dozen eggs, AKA two breakfasts, in our house.

The pantry is restocked with all the necessities, I just placed our Quail Cove order for 35 lbs of chicken, 12 packs of bacon, 10 lbs or sweet potatoes and two pounds of Amish butter (buying the case next time to freeze) so we should be set for awhile.  There is nothing I love more than a pantry stocked with good, wholesome, real food to fuel little bodies. 

Off to taste test the cheese I made this morning, prep the corn for dinner and make a batch of bread....gotta be prepared to feed the tribe now that school is out!

Back from the land of no WiFi AKA my parent's house

We rolled back in this evening from the second trip in under two weeks time along the Eastern seaboard.  I have to say that I would not recommend taking five kids in various stages of viral illness for a 12 hour car ride, followed by another 12 hour car ride two days later, then run around and repack and send two of the five away again two days later then load up three more to drive seven hours one way and then back again four days later while jam packing every single day full of activities....just sayin'

I have a ton of stories to tell from the last week and was so bummed that my father's internet set up is so wacky that it caused my laptop to basically reject internet until I got home again.  I have no clue what he does, but we regularly have laptops try to commit suicide after trying to use their internet and since Ryan wasn't there to perform surgery, I had to use my cell phone to stay connected to the digital world.

Anyway, I will have to post about the sea sick teenagers on our fishing trip or the ridiculous time I had trying to feed Teagan and Grayson lunch while nursing Finn at a rest stop on our way to NC later because I want to share the story of my busted windshield.

So this morning we left NC around 9:30 and I took a deep breath as I loaded the five tired kids into the van to set out on what could be a 6 hour drive but would likely be seven or eight.  We did well for the first three hours, a little whining from Teagan, but it was pretty easy going.  After three hours we stopped at a Cracker Barrel for lunch since I knew it would be easy to please everyone there.  When we sat down the waitress commented on me traveling alone with the kids and then asked if they were mine, which was weird because who in their right mind would travel with five kids if they could leave a few with their parents?  Anyway, we got back on the road and we were cruising along, made a quick stop for gas and Frosty's to tide the kiddos over and we were about an hour from home when the truck in front of us dropped a rock that was the size of a half dollar and it smashed my windshield at the bottom.  I was NOT happy and NOT paying for a new windshield on a car that is new because some truck driver couldn't be bothered to clear off his truck (it was a stone truck that had no more load but still had rocks in it).  We hit some traffic and I was able to get pics of the truck's license plates and then pulled up along side and yelled to the driver that he broke my windshield.  He pulled over and looked at it and asked what I wanted for it...I am guessing he just didn't want to deal with his boss.  I told him I wanted what it would cost to fix it and called Ryan who started looking it up while I followed the truck driver to a rest area where he could get money.  Turns out the new windshield was just about $360 dollars so I told the driver that and he asked for a receipt which I was glad to write up for him and he paid me in full the cost of the repair.  He did mention that there were people who were claiming glass issues to get money from drivers and I assured him that I had five kids in the back of the van and that I would not lie to him and then showed him the pictures so he could see how it had spread even during the drive to the rest area.  It is terrible that people would defraud the drivers, especially since many pay from their own pockets as this guy did to not have to file with the company insurance.

Since we have gotten home the windshield crack has spread even more and now it basically splits the windshield in half and I need to call tomorrow to get it fixed.  I am so glad that I chased the driver down and that we don't have to pay to get the glass replaced with our funds, even if my father thought I was nuts for doing it.

The scariest thing about having all five kids home all summer

is lunch.  Seriously.  Breakfast is a breeze, for the most part they can get their own food and even help Teagan out sometimes.  Plus they are all still quiet and sleepy so they are not demanding.  Dinner is also easy for the most part since they get what I make, no choices, no options.  Oh but lunch, I HATE lunch.  They all want something different, one wants grilled cheese, another a salad, this one a sandwich and a fourth leftovers.  It is a major production, there is always a huge mess and I am always frustrated since it tends to run into nap time for the babies aka my down time during the day to do all the other chores.

So this summer I am taking a cue from the school....we will have a lunch menu.  I am brainstorming lunch ideas and making a list and then the kids will be able to add their ideas to the list as well.  We will plan a week or two in advance and put the chosen meals on the calendar which will help me make sure we have what we need and the kids will be able to look at the calendar and know what is for lunch.  Just like at school, there will always be a second choice of PB&J and yogurt...they can make that themselves.  Some lunch choices are simple like quesadillas, turkey sammies with fruit, etc. and some are fancier like Buffalo Chicken Sliders or Personal Pizzas.  I plan to have two fancy choices a week, four easier options a week and one free for all a week on a day their dad is off :)

Whirlwind

It has been a crazy week.

Finn had his appointment and the cardio saw the same defects.  Right now we are hopeful that the pulmonary stenosis will clear up and we are watching the aortic issues.  Finn will go back in three months to be checked again.  The aortic stuff will never resolve on it's own, but it could be minor enough to avoid surgery, only time will tell.


Later the same day was Haven's Fifth Grade graduation ceremony.  We came home, kids came home and I ran errands and was on my way back to get the family to go out to dinner before the ceremony when Ryan told me he was not feeling well-did I mention Gray was picked up early from school with a rash?  Ryan got blasted with this horrific virus that is still making it's way through our family...fever, chills, weird rash, yuck.  So I took the kids out to dinner, then to the ceremony alone.  It was from 7-9 pm.  I had both babies.  I missed most of it :(  I did see Haven get every award she won including the Presidential Academic Achievement Award (YEAH HAVEN!!!). 

Thursday the kid's had a half day and I was trying to get us ready for our trip to NH the next day but the school kept calling saying Haven wasn't feeling well but had no fever.  She came home, went to bed and was up in the middle of the night with the same virus.  This was especially fun since we were leaving around 5 am and I did not go to bed until after 1 and then fed Finn at least once before getting up at 4 am.  Somehow we got on the road, Haven was feeling OK and we drove the 12(!) hours to the hotel in MA.  The next day we met up with my family at my cousin's house for Tim's party and before we left to go to the graduation, Britt started looking rough and complaining of a headache so I gave her Motrin.  Ryan was a half hour away at the hotel with the babies and Gray (they left early) so my parents and I decided to drive her there before the graduation but as we got there she decided she felt well enough to go...sigh.  Went to graduation and as we left Britt started complaining about her stomach and head, note she is a puker when she gets a fever, so we spent a little time standing on the side of the road willing her to keep the Motrin  down.  She did, fever came down enough that she stopped feeling like she was going to be sick and we made it back to the hotel.  She had a rough night with the fever, but we decided the next day that we would try to go to the Aquarium with the rest of my family.  They were taking public transit, but being we had a sick kid, we decided driving would be best just in case she started feeling badly again...BIG mistake.  Apparently Boston has no parking garages that have a clearance over 6'6" and our van needs 7'2".  Hell, my Trailblazer wouldn't have fit in 6'6"!  So after 45 minutes of driving around, I was in tears, the kids were a wreck and the hubby and I were less than civilized with each other. 

We called and told the family we were leaving the city, kids were wailing and somehow we got sort of lost in the outskirts of Boston..BUT it turned out to be a good thing.  While we were lost I saw a little blue sign for a zoo.  Looked it up on my phone and within minutes we were there.  The zoo was perfect, not too big but it had plenty for us to do, petting area, place to feed the budgies, lions, white tigers, gorillas, etc.  The weather was great and the kids had a blast.  I am so thankful we found that zoo, the day was a disaster but that little zoo turned it all around.

We are home now. My big girls left this morning with my parents to go to NC and it is quiet.  Finn has the virus with the fever and rash, Britt still had the rash as she left and Teagan is still rashy. I am really hoping this bug passes soon since Gray, Teagan, Finn and I lave Sunday to meet up with the girls in NC.

I don't

I don't:

• Give up
• Stop trying
• Take no for an answer
• Let the end justify the means
• Allow failure
• Take the easy way out 
• Think OK is good enough
• Not do something if someone else needs me to
• Put myself first
• Believe that anything is impossible

This is going to a be a long, hard week for me and it just seems like more and more is getting piled on, but I am holding on tight to who I am and how I deal with this kind of stuff.  The smile is plastered on, hope is tucked away and hands are clenched in sheer determination to make it through to Thursday.  I am willing to take patience if anyone has extra lying around, that I always run short on :)

Stopping to breathe

The best part about having a big, busy, loud and demanding brood is that you rarely have time to sit, ponder and worry.  But sadly, night always comes and those sweet distractions go to bed and you are left alone with all those thoughts and Google...Google should be executed.  Personally I think the internet should have an off switch for parents who are stressed or worried about their kids because the three am "research" sessions are never a good idea.

Finn's blood work came back OK, a little anemic and his white blood cell count was a bit low, nothing to be concerned about.  This makes me a bit relieved as we don't think anything metabolic is going on, but we still don't know what caused his "episode" and why he isn't gaining enough weight.  This brings me back to his heart and worries me since failure to thrive can go along with heart issues as can passing out and if that is what is happening, we are dealing with a pretty significant defect.

I am holding out hope that we will see the doctor on Wednesday and that they will tell me what is wrong and that it is non-surgical and that the "episode" was not heart related and just a fluke.  Taking any and all prayers and positive thoughts, especially in the dark and quiet of night.

Three

Three.  That is the number of heart defects they found today in Finn's heart, and the worst part is, the doctor we saw couldn't even see everything so there could be more. He also couldn't tell how bad the issues were, which is not uncommon on little wiggly babies, but needless to say, we left there and while I waited for Finn to get his bloodwork, I called my children's cardiologist and got an appointment for next week.  Sadly this cardio was more concerned with there being a genetic link since we have so many cardiac issues than with what was wrong with poor Finny.

So here is what I know.  Finn has a leaky aortic valve, although the cardio was pretty sure it was a minor leak.  We have no history of aortic valve issues, although Teagan has a malformed pulmonary valve.

He has some aortic stenosis which is a narrowing of the aorta above the valve. This is what I have.  I know what this means long term, if it is severe it requires open heart surgery, if it is mild and manageable like mine, it requires monitoring and limited sports and activities.

He has pulmonary stenosis of the arteries, this is a narrowing of the pulmonary arteries and does not include the valve.  Haven had this in one artery in Finn both are affected and he could not tell how badly they were affected.  A common correction for this is an angioplasty.  We do not know if the valve is impacted yet, that would be a surgical need.

We do not know if the aortic arch is impacted, and coarcation of the aorta is a concern of mine as it is dangerous and can be life threatening.  I am anxious to have an all clear on the arch next week and to find out if there are any other defects and how severe the ones he has are.

I am incredibly sad, and angry, that we are dealing with this in another child.  Haven has outgrown her issues which were Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD) and pulmonary stenosis, and I am thankful for that.  Teagan needs her valve rechecked and we are all hopeful that she will be cleared as OK. But Finn, I am not sure about, this is a bad group of issues and I fear he will need surgery at some point and that frightens me.  I have a great team of cardiologists that we have been with since Haven was born, and I trust them immensely, so I know they will do all they can to determine what is wrong and how to handle it. 

My poor guy, he is so sweet and didn't even whimper when they took his blood.  Even at 6 months old that kid is a trooper.

We also had the blood work done for a metabolic screening and we should get the results today.  We are curious about the blood sugar issue from yesterday, and all I can hope is that it was a fluke issue and he had a seizure because of a random low blood sugar moment.  We will see.

I let it roll as much as I can, I don't complain about the health issues with our kids, I just deal with them, but not knowing makes me crazy. I know it could be worse, so much worse, but I wish we didn't have to face the multiple cardio visits, the worry the first years as they grow and the constant watching and waiting to see if something happens.

When you are an adult

birthdays are rarely about you anymore.  Today was my birthday, but really it was supposed to be like any other day and I wish it had been.  We got up and I shuffled the big kids off to school.  Hubby came home and brought me breakfast and then after getting some work done I decided to hop in the (loaner) van and take the babies out to get a water table and baby pool and to make the farm run.  I got to the toy store, got what we came for plus a bunch and then quickly realized as we approached the register that I left my debit card at home.  Thankfully I was using gift cards for the pool and water table, but I think I should have headed home then.  Trip to the farm was uneventful and on my way home Teagan had just fallen asleep as we approached Sonic so I decided to stop and get a cherry slush, but then the Sonic lady was just way too loud and peppy and she woke Teag up and I lost my slushie to the tyrant in the back seat.  That seemed like it would be the worst of it, that I would come home and lug stuff inside, deal with a crabby toddler and maybe take the big kids out for dinner to celebrate my birthday and avoid cooking but it changed fast.

Not far from the house Finn started fussing as babies do, nothing major, just whining a bit but as we pulled in he was quiet again.  I went to Teagan's side of the van and as I started to unbuckle her I saw Finn and could see something was wrong.  He was sitting normal but his face was sagging, his mouth hanging open and his eyes fixed and open.  I began calling his name and shaking his seat as I got Teagan out and he did not respond.  Got her out and ran to his side of the van, grabbed his cheeks and started yelling his name and moving his face and then finally he fixed his eyes on me and focused.  I ran the babies inside and sat with Finn and he was back to his old self, kicking and smiling if I even glanced his way, but I was still freaked out since he was so out of it in the car and I was worried.  Woke Ryan and told him I though Finn had a seizure, explained what happened and then called the ped who said take him to the ER.  Since we have a Pediatric Neurologist for Haven, I called her and she said to see if the ped could see him since the ER would not be prepared and they knew him better.  So we went to the ped and they determined his heart murmur was much louder and we needed the echocardiogram as soon as possible.  They also tested his blood sugar and found it was low, around 54, even though it had been barely 2 hours since he ate.  I fed him there and his blood sugar got to 72, still not great.

Tomorrow we will take him for the echo and bloodwork.  They are thinking he had a seizure due to low blood sugar, but we are not sure why he had low blood sugar.  Hopefully the tests tomorrow will help.  I love my little guy and I hope to never see him in the state he was today.

Great news

Over the weekend I managed to get myself very nervous about Finn's upcoming x-ray.  While I knew that the worst case was slings or casts for a number of months, it made me so sad that my sweet happy boy who LOVES to kick his legs might be immobilized.  In the scheme of things, minor, but to the mama, scary.

Monday I got going once the big kids left for school and took Finn for the x-ray and he obliged and was his normal sweet and happy self.  After that, went and grabbed Ryan and Teagan so we could drop the new van off for service.  When we bought it, the heat wasn't working and there were a few dings in the windshield that we wanted fixed, we also needed a seat belt replaced because it had a tear in it and one of the key fobs key ring was broken so they were going to get a new one.  It sounds like a lot, but really they were small things aside from the heat, but since we have a warranty, we want it as close to perfect as possible.  Dropped the van off, grabbed lunch then came home to get stuff done around the house.

Today Haven had an appointment with her neurologist and we were riding up with a friend since her little girl was being seen too and the neuro is far away.  Appointment went well, neuro told Haven she needs to eat more and gain more weight since her meds impact her appetite, and then told us that we were going to take her off her seizure med this summer and do an EEG to see if she outgrew the epilepsy.  This is big for us. She was diagnosed almost three years ago and she is a different kid now.  She will still need her meds for ADD, she is a kid that had so many struggles the ADD meds help her stay focused, but the seizure meds are serious stuff and we would love to get rid of those nasty seizures and the meds!  So one night very soon, Haven will be staying up all night partying with her dad eating ice cream, drinking coffee and soda and having a grand time.  The next day I will take my very tired girl to Children's Hospital for an EEG where they will try to induce a seizure and will have her sleep for a bit to make sure she isn't having seizures in her sleep, which are the most dangerous and deadly kind.  I am hoping that the EEG will show no seizure activity, but only time will tell.  Haven is such a different kid now than when she was diagnosed, she was behind academically, she was really bizarre to talk to, she was unpredictable and honestly, it was like talking to someone with severe mental issues.  Poor kid was confused all the time from the seizures and she missed out on so much information and struggled and worked hard to get where she is now.  That kid, that kid who at 8 could not read and was way behind in school just took the test to jump grade levels in math for next year.  Depending on the results, she could be in the advanced 7th grade class instead of her 6th grade class or the advanced 6th grade class...that is huge for her and she worked her rear off this year in her math enrichment class to get to the point where she could take this test.  Add to that, she reads multiple grade levels ahead and she is a whiz at science and history.  She struggled with writing for a long while, but she is now at or above grade level for writing too.  She amazes me :)

So a couple of days of good news and I am anxiously waiting for the school year to come to and end :)

It was supposed to be a simple well check

My sweet little Finn turns 6 months old today and I am so thankful that he is our little guy.  He is quick with a smile and is seriously the happiest baby I have ever had, so glad that he joined our family!

Since Finn was 6 months today I scheduled his well check at the doctor.  This morning, Teagan woke up with a horrible rash on her face, it seriously looked like we had put out lit cigarettes on her little face and she has a viral looking rash on her body (moms totally know what I mean here-spotty but flushed red rash).  Called and added her to the appointment to kill two birds with one stone and they asked that we come at 10:10 instead of 10:20...so we did and of course we weren't brought back until after 10:30 *sigh*

So they did Finn's height/weight/head and he was 75%/10%/75% so I knew the doc was going to be unhappy with his weight.  The thing is, he eats a ton, he pees a ton, he looks great, fat cheeks and a long lean, but healthy, body.  He is also not the first baby of mine to have those kinds of stats, but of course the ped was unhappy and wants him back in six weeks to see his weight, although I am not sure why since I am not supplementing him since he is doing great other than their chart.  They also noticed his one hip clicks and it is the one he doesn't favor so we will be getting an x-ray Monday and we still need to take him to the cardiologist.  *double sigh*

Teagan decided to wail the entire time we were there and after testing her, we discovered she has strep.  Being that the other two girls have complained about a sore throat, I have them heading in tomorrow to be checked.  This could totally screw up the plans for tomorrow which included a trip to Ikea, Old Navy and a birthday party for Haven to attend.  Then after the 1 1/2 hours at the pediatrician, I  had to take my sleepy baby and wailing toddler to the grocery store to get a few things for tonight's dinner, and yes Teagan wailed the whole time.  *triple sigh*

Really hoping the day turns around!

Coming up for air

It has been a crazy few days!  Saturday the kiddos and I made our last trip to swimming and the farm in the old Trailblazer, then home for baby naps and when they woke up and Ryan was up we headed out to fill our bellies at Red Robin.  Once appropriately stuffed, we headed to the car lot and a mere 4 hours later (eek!) we rolled out in our big new 12 passenger van aka The Beast. I was very excited that we got way more for the Trailblazer then I expected and I was able to add a 100K warranty on to the existing warranty so we are covered for a long, long time.  I have to say, I knew we needed it, I knew it would be a good choice for the kids and trips and such, but holy freakin' cow, I LOVE the new van.  First, I am like 100 feet above the other cars and SUVs and it makes me feel very safe.  Next, the kids have a ton of room, I am able to put the carseats for the babies each in their own rows, in the center using the LATCH system and I know they are in the safest place they can be.  The big kids enjoy having some choice in where they sit and not having to sit next to whichever sibling is being the most annoying that day.  Before we went to see the van, I was sure that we would need to take out the last row that seats 4 before any trips, but after a few runs to the grocery store and some loading and unloading of cargo, I think we will be a-ok traveling with all the seats as they are :)

Monday we enjoyed a family Memorial Day of throwing out a ton of crap from the playroom.  Tis the season of purge in our home and I am going room by room, getting rid of the junk that accumulated the last two years I have been too tired and too pregnant to deal with it and deep cleaning and organizing each space.  Most of the playroom is done, I just need to do a few more boxes this weekend and organize the craft closet and it is good to go.  We are still waiting to get the new carpet, but with all the junk out, it will be much easier to install.  After purging, and showering, we were off to a neighbors 1st birthday party which was so much fun for the whole crew and as always it was fun to see other grownups, get the biggies out of our hair as they played with friends and watch the babies being cute together.

Yesterday was a cleaning day again, laundry, the rest of the playroom organizing and work.  Nothing too exciting, but generally a good day.

Today the hubby had jury duty.  He arrived when ordered, sat and answered questions and then was sent home.  Even though he wasn't chosen for the jury, they still paid him 30 bucks, so thanks for the cash county court, it bought us lunch today :)  We then loaded up a friend and her daughter in The Beast and headed to the farm, then home again jiggity jig to work, do dinner, showers, etc. 

Tomorrow Ryan has an interview so he needs to leave here bright and early, and I have big plans to clean and lay around with the babies :)

My cool rating is about to drop a few points

not that it was exceptionally high these days anyway.

Today after school, the kids and I will begin the task of cleaning out my car, which lets face it, is quite an undertaking.  Right now I drive a Trailblazer Extended.  When we bought it, it was love at first sight.  It is a pretty glittery red, it has leather seats and the front ones are heated, it was loaded with a 6 disc CD player, premium sound, every airbag possible and a DVD player.  I LOVED that car and it was perfect when we had three kids, but now, not so much.  The middle row has three seats and the back row two.  We just fit since it seats seven, and the babies are on either end of the middle seat, Brittan sits between the two car seats, Grayson is in the back in booster and Haven is next to him.  To say we are cramped is a major understatement, and trips are a nightmare with the stroller taking up the precious cargo space in the back, the kids in the back row riding with the pack and play under their feet and all our luggage that I carefully pack to keep it to a minimum gets put in a luggage bag on the roof.  To be honest, it kind of sucks.  Kids are jammed in and uncomfortable.  When it rains or snows, the kids in the back have to step on the seat and climb over leaving mud on Brittan's seat and soon, when we move Finn up to a convertible seat, I have no idea how they will get in or out of the truck.  The final straw was the car started having problems, lots of problems including a weird ABS issue that caused us to have to disable the ABS or pay thousands to fix it.

The Trailblazer is set to be paid off in November and we had planned to give it a year and then suck it up and buy something bigger, but with the brake issues and two big trips coming up, I decided to start looking around last week.  I found a Ford E350 that has only 20K miles on it and was in our price range.  I decided to call and start the credit process just to see how it played out, and well, it played out well and actually will cost us about 200 dollars less a month and we will have a warranty that will last through 100K miles.  So, we will clean out the car today and tomorrow evening we will go take a look at the big ole 12 passenger van and I am guessing it will come home with us.  While I am excited to stretch out, have a warranty and generally feel safer driving on the upcoming trips, I am sad that we will have a car payment for longer and that I will now be the mom driving the HUGE church van around town!  Ryan is a bit dismayed at the whole thing, but we have found some really sweet flame decals we are thinking of putting on the van, you know, to make it easier to find :)

So no more cute little cars for me, not even the usual "mom" ride of a minivan, nope, we are going for the big, embarrassing and totally uncool car, but man will it be nice to be able to separate the kids when they are fighting!

It will all get done...someday

One of the things I am working hard on is patience with chores, tasks, heck, just about everything!  Everything takes longer than I want, expect and hope.  Our schedules stink, especially this week with Ryan doing training during the days  and then working at night, poor guy is exhausted!  The kid's schedules are busy with the end of school coming, we have activities to do and there are loads of tasks that need to be done and even more "little things" that crop up each day that make getting those tasks done even harder.  Right now I am hoping Ryan takes tomorrow night off so he can catch up on sleep tomorrow night and most of the day Saturday while the kids and I are at swim, the farm, etc. and then be able to help us get things done Sunday/Monday.

For me, patience is difficult.  I want to do what I want to do now.  When there is a task, I want it done and over with.  If there is a mess, I want it cleaned up.  With a bigger family, it just doesn't happen that way, it takes time, lots of time, with many stops and starts, to accomplish even the smallest tasks.  I am trying hard to prioritize, to move through my anxieties and emotions and figure out how to make a new plan on the fly, a huge issue for me.  I am getting there, it is slow going, but I am.  I have big plans for the summer, I plan to work on big tasks in the house two days a week, and one day a week do a deep clean of the downstairs.  My big girls were looking to earn some cash this summer, so they will do some "babysitting" for me so I can dedicate a larger chunk of time to tasks.  I believe they should help out some with watching the babies, usually I ask them to do it when I need to grab a shower, make dinner, or when the whole family is cleaning the house and we trade off who is on baby duty, but having them watch the littles for a couple hours goes above and beyond what I expect from them as members of the family and they will be able to earn a little cash for helping.  Those few hours a week will mean I can attack a room at a time, and hopefully by the end of summer we will have purged, cleaned, reorganized and gotten all the tasks done, although it will still take much longer than I would hope!

It happened, I blinked and she grew up

Today my oldest turns 11 and I have no idea how we got here so very fast.  It seems like yesterday that I was stressing about sending her to kindergarten, and in a few short weeks she will graduate from fifth grade and move on to middle school.  Wasn't it last week that she was sitting in the baby tub playing with her foam letters?  Now she talks about music and fashion and she looks so grownup.  Are you sure it wasn't just last Christmas she got that Elmo phone with the loud buttons that made me crazy, yet tomorrow she will wake up and find her first cell phone waiting for her at the table. 

My Haven, my girl, my oldest baby is turning 11 and while I want to make her stop and slow down, I know this is what needs to happen.  Raising her has been an adventure, she has faced a lot of challenges, but we are seeing it come together.  She is so very smart, so kind and so creative.  The last year we have watched her come into herself and I know the next few years she is going to blossom into one amazing young woman.  I am proud she is mine, I am thankful that we were made her parents, and I looking forward to the next 11 years of adventures.

Happy Birthday to the girl who came screaming into the world and made me a mama just before dinnertime on May 24th 2000.  We love you Gravy.

What do you eat

when the Rapture is coming?  I mean come on, we eat dinner before 6 pm and I wouldn't like the kids to face judgment on an empty stomach, they may be cranky and significantly less appealing as keepers.


We decided on pasta rosa with garlic bread.  I also figure that since we were potentially in trouble with the big guy, or so they say, I made a hot milk sponge cake with strawberries and fresh whipped cream...maybe the man upstairs is a fan of strawberry shortcake and would like a little before deciding if we stay or go, or maybe we will celebrate being alive at 6:01 :)

See ya tomorrow!

Please send back up

My four oldest kids sleep.  They sleep fairly well.  To be clear, I could easily put Teagan to bed at 7 pm and not see her until 7 am and it is rare for her to wake at night.  I could also, potentially, tell the big kids I was hitting the hay at 7 when Teagie went to bed and they would go to bed at 8 as directed and I could sleep for 12 hours...except for one.tiny.little.thing. Finn.

Finn simply doesn't sleep at night, like, at all.  He will go to sleep and sleep for an hour or two and then he wants to get up and eat, you know, the newborn schedule except he is pushing 6 months old and I am over the newborn schedule.  By the time I feed him, settle him, am sure he is sleeping and try to go to sleep (I don't fall asleep easily) he is  up again.  Lately I am lucky to get 30 minutes between feedings, so that is 30 minutes before the 11 pm feeding, 30 minutes before the 1 am, 30 minutes before the 3 am feeding and 30 minutes before the 5 am feeding and then I am usually up for the day since Teagan or Brittan are up by 6:30.  Adding that up, that is a grand total of 2 1/2 hours of sleep a night...on a good night and last night was not a good night.  Now I have been snagging an extra hour or so on the days the hubby is home, but I am so sleep deprived it isn't even funny.  I was supposed to go to the store today but don't think I can handle it emotionally or physically...seriously, I have never felt like I couldn't handle a quick run to the store, ever.

So I am not sure what to do now, how to fix this, how to get him to sleep better.  My other kids were not great sleepers, but by this age I was getting a four hour stretch and usually only doing the 11 pm or midnight feeding and one other, but this schedule is really awful.  I know it will pass.  I know someday he will sleep, probably too much as a teenager and I will then torture him with 6 am wake up calls, but for right now, this feels a bit like hell.  Did I mention Teagan has a fever and doesn't feel well and she has been crying at me since 6:30 am?  Today is not going to be a good day.

It took five kids

but I believe I may have run out of time for blogging daily!

We are just so busy here and about to get busier with all of the end of school events including Haven's fifth grade graduation...I am tearing up a bit thinking about it!

So...this weekend we began our Saturday the usual way with packing up for swim lessons.  Ryan decided to forgo sleep and come with us and the big kids were super excited that he came and saw how they were doing with swim.  After swim we hit the farmers market and loaded up on some of the early produce; onions, fennel, radishes and snow peas.  Then we grabbed subs for lunch and went to the very muddy farm where Ryan picked another flat of strawberries and we got some yummy sausages that we will eat for dinner tomorrow night. I also went back out after dinner with the two big girls to get Haven a new outfit for her birthday event the next day.

Sunday was the birthday event. Haven doesn't turn 11 until the 24th, but this was the only weekend her dad would be home to keep the other kids so we planned to have her mini celebration yesterday.  We will be having a big pool party for the three older kids in June since they all have summer birthdays, but we try to do something small for their "real" birthdays too. So yesterday I took Haven, Brittan and two of Haven's friends to see Prom at the new movie theater just south of us.  My rules for the girls were: 1. Pick any candy you want.  2. Pick any drink you want  3. We will be getting a large popcorn to share.  4.  Have fun!  They had a great time.  The movie was cute...a little long for me, but the girls enjoyed.  They had so much fun driving home in the car, chatting and singing to the radio.  We even hit traffic so it took longer getting home and they seemed happier that they were stuck together in the car!  I do have to say, four tween girls can be LOUD!  It was nice though, they were so good, they were adorable in their cit chat and it gave me a glimpse of what it will be like as my girls get bigger and we can do more things like this together.

Today is paint the bathroom day, yes that bathroom, still not done.  BUT we are so so close!  Just paint and the new vanity and we are done!

Life is good....so good.

I desire change, but it scares me

Oh change my friend, my enemy!  Hubby had an interview this week, not the best fit for a job but they have another position he will interview for in a week or so....praying the money works because this is a great stepping stone to get us to the "big move" next spring/summer.


I am also applying to jobs, I found a few that would allow me to keep my FT teaching gig and work FT from home, but I feel pretty overwhelmed already most days so the idea of another FT job scares me to death.  I also applied for a teaching position at my alma mater that should allow me to work online until we move and then on campus, lets see if they call.  Right now all we are trying to do is ramp up the income for this last year in VA, we want to save as much as we can and pay off the last little bit of debt as early as possible.  We are so so close, the closest we have ever been, and I am getting anxious.  I am scouring the house listings on Long Island, reviewing the schools, figuring out the real estate tax process (egads it is scary) and trying to make sure that when we do move, we move to the right place, the right house, the right jobs. It is a tad overwhelming.

Fingers crossed that we both get new gigs soon, that they pay a bit more and that we find a way to make this move happen as quickly and easily as possible.

Long day, but great day

Today started a little rough, Finn had a really bad night which I think is due to the addition of solids, it is causing his little belly some stress so I am backing off for a few days so he can regroup.  Once the kiddos left, Ryan and I attacked a few things around the house, slice strawberries and started them in the dehydrator and began to get ready to take the babies to the doctor.  Both babies were due for a shot, we vaccinate but on an alternate schedule and we don't give multiple vaccines on the same visit, so we go in quite a lot for shot visits.  On our way, Haven called from school and needed a change of shoes one of the straps on the shoes she was wearing broke, so Ryan ran those up while I headed to the doctor and he met us there after stopping at the school.  Got Finn weighed since last month he hadn't gained, and he put on just over 1/2 lb this month which is pretty good.  He is a long lean baby, his cheeks are deceiving since they are VERY chubby and he sports a double chin, but he has really long chicken legs and his body is very long and thin.  He reminds me of Brittan as a baby.

After the doctor, Ryan ran to the store and I came home and did lunch for Teagan and put her down for a nap and did some work.  Around 2 I couldn't stand it anymore, I was purely exhausted, so I headed to bed for an hour.  Got up and prepped for canning and Ryan and I got a dozen jars of strawberry jam canned while juggling the kids and making them dinner, it was quite a circus.  Then we scrambled to get ready for our date night.  Sitter came and we left and headed to dinner at a local little Italian joint.  The food was so, so good and it was so nice to have a chance to sit across from my husband and talk without interruptions.  We ate, we chatted, it was perfect.  Came home to four of the five tucked into bed and only my little guy awake, so I worked a bit and then took some time to cuddle him, kiss his sweet toes and get him settled for the night.  Good good night :)

The best day I could have on three hours of sleep

I did not hold much hope for today.  Finn had a fussy night and I finally got him resettled around 4 am and fell back into bed looking forward to a few more hours of sleep and then Haven started whining/crying/yelling/complaining that her leg hurt, from her bed, loudly.  I was stuck because Finn just fell asleep and if I got up I might wake him, and screaming to her to be quiet from bed was out of the question too, so I waited her out.  She quieted down and I started to doze and then at 6 am Teagan started screaming, so I tried to wait her out since she will sometimes wake up and then resettle, but she kept at it so I went in and I met with one of the worst things a mother can find....a diaper on the floor.  Yes my darling Teagie had removed her diaper at some point and tossed it out of her crib and everything IN the crib was soaked in pee.  Joy. So I stripped Teagie and carried a naked baby girl and a fussing baby boy down the stairs, cleaned her up and dressed her and started a load of laundry.  It was 6:30 am.

Then Ryan came home and told me he was too tired to come strawberry picking with me.  I understand since that would be like me waking at 3 am and picking berries, but I was still really sad since he has been working so much and every Saturday the kids and I are out and about on our adventures.  Cried a few tears mostly due to my three hours of crap sleep the night before then sucked it up since I still had to get five kids out the door to swim.  My big girls were awesome helpers and made sandwiches for after swim and packed them in the cooler with drinks.  I got babies dressed and got myself ready to go and we walked out the door on time and made it to swim a few minutes early.  After the lesson we piled into the car and everyone ate their sandwiches on our way to the farm where we went and picked almost twenty pounds of berries.  Then we loaded back up since we had passed a farmers market on our way and wanted to check it out. Sadly the market closed at 1 and we missed it by a few minutes, but now we have a plan for after swim next week!  Kids were helpful when we got home, all the berries were hulled and washed and I made some yummy strawberry ice cream for the kids for dessert.  I am looking forward to canning the berries on Monday, we have been without homemade jam for too long!  The next round of berries will get picked Tuesday and will be dehydrated so we can store them for winter use.  They are delicious in oatmeal, granola bars, yogurt, muffins and pancakes.  Mmm, berries!

Crazy is as crazy does

I called my sister and while we were talking I told her I was crazy which she assumed meant work was crazy, which says a lot about both our jobs.  Then I explained that work was fine, and I was ACTUALLY crazy and she laughed because she didn't quite expect me to be calling myself crazy.  It is ok, I go a tad off the deep end around 4-5 months post partum and every May so it is to be expected especially since Finn is just 5 months and well, its May. I am reeling it in and the best part of my crazy is that it lasts a week or two and then goes away for a year, or until I have a baby, but that isn't happening again, well the May thing is but well, you get the idea!  Don't get me wrong, my daily crazy hangs around, but the really whacked out crazy will take a hike for awhile, which is a good thing because there is nothing as awful as being crazy, knowing you are being crazy and not being able to stop the madness. 

Another sign of May in our home, and a much better sign, is strawberry season.  We have strawberry picked for as long as I can remember with the kids every May.  This year we will be hitting the fields Saturday after swim to pick a few flats of berries and then when we get home we will make some fresh strawberry ice cream and Monday will be jam day.  See, crazies are wearing off as we speak!

Sell it baby

I have always found it hard to apply for jobs and talk yourself up, it seems to go against what we are all taught about bragging.  Right now I am "selectively" applying for positions, only ones that I feel passionate about, that work with my research specialization and allow me to still work primarily from home.  I have a few I have sent info out to, but there is one that just last week I saw and would be a perfect fit pending that they hire me as a consultant and not a traditional employee.   I responded to their listing, indicated my background and qualifications and my desire to work as a consultant and not an employee, and I guess we will see what happens.  I am pretty sure there are not too many local folks who specialize in eco-product labels and marketing, but maybe I am wrong, or maybe they want someone's butt in a seat every day.  If I got this and they took me on as a consultant, I would get to work in a field I am incredibly passionate about, get some time away from the house to work on projects, work at various trade shows and conventions which focus on eco-products and boost our financial bottom line.  I think it would be a great opportunity, and while I am nervous about adding a new gig to my work load, I would probably drop PT school from the list since the pay just doesn't balance the work load sometimes. 

I am getting excited about my future.  I love what I do, and I will never leave higher education, there is something great about working with students, but I also want to write books, speak and consult.  I feel like it is worth all the work I have done up until this point, the long hours and tears, and that I will get this pesky dissertation done and it will be a great accomplishment.  It is great to see everything come together and I am hoping that one of the companies/organizations I am reaching out to decides that we would work well together and we will see what the future holds!

Choppy water

It has been a rough and trying couple of days.  Relationships are work, they are compromise, they are putting your foot down when needed, they are tears, and fears and at the end of it all, if what you have is a whole lot of love, you are damn lucky.

So the waters got choppy, things were unstable, but thankfully everyone has emerged, intact and ok.  Just a lesson to never get complacent.

I am too old for this shit

Seriously, I am no longer putting up with people acting in a way that makes me feel bad about myself, not when I am in with both feet, working my ass off and being a good person.  I am REALLY not putting up with my kids paying for it, no way, no how.  You want to act like an ass, fine.  You want to behave like a child, go for it.  You want to choose to act in a way that disrespects me, be my guest, but know I am not dealing with it anymore and the consequences are yours to work through.  We are a valuable commodity the kids and I, treat us as such or risk losing us, I am way too old to play the HS bullshit games.