Ripped wide open

So I try to keep things even keeled here, keep my emotions in check, show the brighter and better side of things as much as possible.  While the blog is my journal, I don't put the raw emotion out there much, to be honest, I don't put it out there much in the real world either, especially when it comes to my kids.

Right now I am feeling raw and ripped wide open.  I am scared, I don't get scared when it comes to my kids much and can easily list the few times it has happened (Haven catatonic at ER age 3, Haven shock at allergist age 5, Haven MRI to check for brain tumor age 8, Grayson hospitalization for asthma and tests for leukemia-yeah steroids for screwing up his white blood cell count age 2, and Grayson almost drowning last summer while surrounded by adults age 5).  Considering my 11 years of parenting and five kids, those are the times I have actually been scared, and for most the fear passed quickly once the child was stated to be OK.

Tuesday we see the geneticist for Finn, and I am scared.  Seriously scared, like I want to skip the whole thing and take everyone for ice cream because it seems too big to deal with.  Do I know that it could be much worse, yes.  Do I know that even if he has the syndrome they are checking for that he will be OK and we as a family will be OK, yes.  Does it help, no.

I look at that baby boy and he is so full of love and sunshine and I hate to think that his world may be limited in any way.  I hate thinking that he could be taken advantage of if he has this because he won't understand that someone is trying to hurt him and it makes me sad that certain things will be hard for him, especially learning.  I worry about the health aspects too.  We know about the heart issues, and we already are mentally prepared for what that may mean down the road...let's just say regardless of the outcome Tuesday, he will not be able to play any sports and surgery is a real possibility.  I also know that kids with this syndrome do die from some of the health aspects, not many thankfully, but it happens and that simply breaks my heart in two.  The next few days are going to be trying.  I do OK during the day but the nights are hard especially when I am holding him in the middle of the night, dreaming of what his future holds as I did with all my kids, and wondering if he will have those same choices and opportunities.

Today, I am scared and sad and hopeful that we will be shooed away by the geneticist Tuesday.  That they will tell me to take my boy home, fill his head with a lifetime of dreams, and know that while he will face obstacles as all children do as they grow into adulthood, his will be the run of the mill kind.

But tonight, I am scared.