Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sometimes you just have to scream!

I have been married just over 11 years and I have never hidden the fact that it has not always been easy.  See here is the thing, I am crazy.  Yep, crazy and I fully admit it to anyone and everyone.  I have wicked OCD and anxiety.  I have loads of baggage, I think my mother hates me or at the very least is disappointed in me, I have trust issues and I am the classic overachiever to a fault.  I work FT at the online school, PT at the onground school, I have five kids, I am writing my dissertation, I work and clean constantly and I am perpetually exhausted, and it is my own fault.  I remember the days when I had down time, I remember that I would relax, but I just cannot anymore because I have too much going on.  In fact, I am thankful for my crazy most days because without the OCD I couldn't juggle it all.

But here is the downside...there is a breaking point.  Once I hit the point of being too tired or too overwhelmed, all the OCDish anxiety stuff that I have been managing, like ignoring the mess in the playroom or the wall that needs to be painted or the bathroom that has been disabled for a year (OK that one is hard to overlook most days) and it all falls apart.  I lose my mind, I feel it all falling on me, I cannot prioritize, I cannot figure out how to get out from under the mental pile and get a plan, and without a plan I am one lost soul.

The last few days I have been here, in this wacky crazy anxiety driven hell and it totally sucks.  Add to it that Finn is sick and has a yucky cough and some serious digestive issues and I am not sleeping at all and there were two days where I needed to nap and didn't and well, I fell apart today and my husband got the brunt of it.  To be fair, the bathroom is his issue, he started it and then left it.  I don't have time to outline his baggage, but lets just say that starting and abandoning is part of his family tree so when he gets stressed about a task and I am a raving lunatic he just stops doing it, and yes it is as infuriating as you think. 

So I melted and cried and screamed and my super awesome neighbor picked me up and let me steal a smoke from her even though I must have looked nuts running barefoot into the street flailing as she drove by, but she still picked me up and I vented and smoked that awesome smoke and felt calmer walking in the door.  So what did I get for all my hysterics?  Two, yes TWO bathrooms with no floors. *sigh*  Thankfully the kid's bathroom is just in progress, hubby removed the existing floors and vanity and will lay a new subfloor tomorrow and a new bathroom floor and then install the new vanity that is waiting in the garage.  Then next week the new playroom carpet is going in and then his one and only job is to FIX MY BATHROOM.  Thank God today is over...

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