Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Brain dump

Watch out folks I am about to brain dump and I don't want to slosh your shoes...or your bare feet, that would be icky.

I am so tired and so stressed and even more than that I am so.damn.mad at myself.  I HATE feeling the way I feel right now, I hate being over stressed and on edge and overwhelmed.  I hate caring that the house is messy and not being able to accept WHY it is messy...because the husband has been working his ass off on the bathroom so I haven't had help, I have one sick kid, one 4 month old baby that won't sleep, one 21 month old that needs my attention all the time, two jobs, and no sleep!  I get why I feel like things are out of control, but I wish I could accept that it is OK and it will all get done because it always does.

Here I sit just after midnight, I worked tonight and came home and straightened up, pumped so Finn will have milk when I am away next week and I graded.  I have two calls tomorrow, one that I am dreading plus another day of juggling babies, housework and regular work while Ryan tries to make more headway on the floor.  I KNOW it will get done, I KNOW it is OK that it is taking forever, everything takes forever with a houseful of kids and wacky jobs, but I get so damn anxious and crabby and I miss living my life.  I don't want to miss any more moments, any more minutes with my kids stressing over a stupid bathroom or a cluttered corner.  I want to have those moments back, I want to let it roll off my back, I want to care about keeping things nice but accept that sometimes I can only do so much.  I want to enjoy my life, to know I do my best every day and not feel like a failure because the laundry has piled up or the TV needs to be dusted. 

If anxiety is a bear, OCD and Anxiety are a rabid bear and they are infecting me and I am done with it all.  I know where I stand right now, I have stood here about 4 months after every birth and I am right on the edge of postpartum depression, or for me, postpartum anxiety.  I know there are meds, and I know they don't work for my anxiety.  I know that I can pull myself away from that edge, that I can make lists and organize what I can and control small things and throw myself into my family.  I know that I need to sleep and rest my old body and if I can do this I will feel better and I will have more control over my anxiousness.  I know where I am and I am DONE with feeling this way on the inside. I am going to try try try to get control. 

I am going to go away on my trip next week, blast the radio the whole ride, sleep like the dead and enjoy every second I am away while still missing my tribe like mad.  I am going to come home with sleep under my belt, presents in my suitcase and a smile on my face, even if the house is trashed.  I will remember that every spring I feel this way as we approach the end of the term at PT school and I get ready to attack all the projects that have been pushed aside, and I will remember that in a few weeks, PT gig will be over and I will be able to cross things off the to-do list daily.

I am so far from perfect it is scary.  I am so lucky, it is unbelievable.  I am going to try and remember just how good I have it.

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