Monday, April 5, 2010

Truckin through the muck

I have been a quiet blogger, mostly because I am very overwhelmed and stressed and don't want to share it with the world.

I hate feeling overwhelmed, it makes me an unhappy person, then I am not the best wife and mother, and I can't do much of anything right. Right now I am buried. The weight on my shoulders is 100 times what I feel I can bear, but it still sits there firmly.

I know that by April 15th, the rewrite of my comps will be done, and I really hope I pass. By early May, PT school will be off for summer, and my nights are mine again. I see the light, I see that it is going to be easier, and that if I pass comps and move on to my dissertation, that this is the last big hurdle I am facing. I know, even though the last few weeks it has been hard to see, that this is worth it. It is worth the long days and nights. It is worth missing out on fun. It is worth being crabby and stressed, because if all goes well, I will have my doctorate by at age 36. It is worth it because that will allow me to continue to work a schedule that is good for my family. It is worth it because throughout it all, I am here for my family, and although I am stressed beyond belief, it is better to be stressed and here, then not. It is worth it because in three short years, Ryan and I will be able to move to where we want and do what we want. That alone is worth it.

But the thick of it all, it is so hard to see the light. Sometimes I think I see it peeking through, but then it is just a mirage. This journey, this path I chose, is so difficult I cannot even express it to anyone who has not been through it. It is so lonely and so frightening. It takes so much of your time, effort and energy, that you don't feel there is enough to give to your family and friends, and when you give what you have, there is nothing left to take care of yourself. I want to see the light get brighter, I need to, so I will keep on truckin' through the muck in the direction I think I need to go, and hopefully I will come out the other side.

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