Volatile relationships

Those who know me also know that my relationship with my mother has always been rocky. As I have grown older, and possibly wiser, I have learned to let go of a lot of the things from the past. I will admit I was a trying teenager, although a good student and still always there for my family. I understand how people go through life with filters, and that perceptions are more important than truth. My mother sees me as someone I am not, and it is really hard to deal with and makes me very sad. She thinks I don't care about her, and when I tell her I call a number of times a week and ask her about her life, she doesn't share with me. She tells me she doesn't want to let me in because I don't care (but I do and I try to show her) and she tells me that I am mean (which I don't think I am). I admit, I hold people to a high level, but I also hold myself to that level if not higher, and I am pretty forgiving if I am wronged.

Right now she is mad because a few weeks ago I told her that something she did hurt my feelings and I thought was wrong. I thought about what I wanted to say for days, and tried to approach this as calmly and rationally as possible, but it still blew up. The things she says I said are not true, she claims I said she was a bad person, bad grandmother, etc but I never said those things, implied them or even thought them. I can understand that she is so upset given what she believes I said, but I cannot get across to her what I really said and meant.

We had a phone call of over an hour in which she cried and yelled at me. My heart breaks for her, as she is never happy and really doesn't see people or life for what they are. I do love my mother, I care for her and want to be a part of her life. She shuts me down at every turn, she can be quite nasty and sour, and I know she disapproves of many of my choices in life. I am sorry she sees me the way she does, and I really wish she knew the real me, I think she would like me. I hate that this is still going on, that she can't let go of the past or understand that I have moved on. All I can hope is that I don't allow this to happen with my kids, that I make sure to enjoy what I have and to love them, even if I don't understand their choices.

My whole life I have felt like a disappointment, and now as an adult, I refuse to judge myself through my mother's eyes, but as a daughter, I still wish I had her approval. I dreaded telling her I was pregnant each time, and I know she will be unhappy if we have another child. She doesn't understand how Ryan and I stayed married, she cannot understand that sometimes you have to let the past go and move forward and be happy.

I wish she was happy, she has a great life now, and I wish we could be close.