It's not as easy as it looks

I know that many people who know me, know my life, and know what I do day in and day out think that I do sooo much and am efficient and happy, etc. You know what, more days than not I feel like a giant screw up. I feel like I am being pulled in every direction possible, none of which are the ones that would be the "best" for me. There is immense pressure on me to make money, plus I want to be there for the kids and all that entails, plus school, which is the only way I can get out of the hell that is my life and two jobs. I don't feel successful, I don't feel like I do anything particularly well, and I feel most days like a walking fraud, as so many people I encounter are so "impressed" by my daily life.

Here's the real scoop...many, many days are spent with me ending the day a wreck, truly falling apart because I cannot do one more thing, I am exhausted, and have usually done what many people do in a week in a mere 12 hours. I am mostly hated by my husband, not sure why, but he seems to hate me a lot...I might be horrible to live with, and I am sure it is intense to be married to me. I have such high expectations that many people in my life assure me the rest of the world cannot meet these....even I can't meet my own expectations, so it is unreasonable to ask anyone else to I guess.

Right now I am sitting here with three papers hanging over my head, a few hours of work to do tonight, a husband who is MIA, kids who are expecting to go to my parent's house tomorrow, and me with a horrible choice. Husband claims he is not going, so do I stay home where I am not under pressure, don't waste 12 hours in the next 4 days driving and am in my element or do I load the kids up, drive to my parents where I wrangle three kids with no help (they really don't help, I am not sure why, but they don't), deal with the kids not sleeping, me not sleeping, try to cram the papers and work in on no sleep and no kid help, etc? Two really splendid choices, eh? The worse part is, I was really looking forward to this trip, with Ryan working so much overtime, I wanted us all to spend time together as a family. I have been running around the last few days doing everything I can to get ready to go, and now I have to choose between two options that just make me depressed.

So...it is nowhere near lollipops and rainbows here.