Rocky Run

We have had a rocky day, but i guess we need those to appreciate the good ones right?

I was up until 3 am last night, couldn't sleep, work drama with Ry, etc. Got up at 7, got the girls ready and off to the first day back at school after spring break. As they walked into the school I realized that while I was highly efficient, I also was forgetful. They had no snack with them. Home we came, Gray and I grabbed them snacks, back to the school and waited until the buses finished so I could park in front and run the snacks in.

Snacks were delivered and I came home to get dressed for the day, etc. Headed out and ran errands, forgot things, went to see Dr. Tom, went with Em to get Killi, she stopped at another store so I could get the things I forgot, then we had lunch. Came home and Gray was a bear, made snack for the brownies and made a huge mess and then Britt came home. While trying to get clothes for work, Grayson peed his pants and peed all over the bathroom (boys, how fun) so I came and cleaned up and made dinner.

I still need to go teach and I usually get home around 10. Then I need to start on this paper that has me so stressed out, and I hope I can finish half tonight. Tomorrow morning I need to workwork and finish that paper. I should probably do some laundry as we are all running out. We need to go to the farm which kills the whole afternoon, and if it doesn't rain, Britt has soccer. I know that I just need to get through the next two weeks and this hellish class will be over, but fear the house will fall apart and the kids may need to go to school naked until then :)

I always must remember why I am doing this. While I am borderline insane now, this degree will allow me to be as active a parent in my kids lives as possible while still making a good living. I also know that my kids need me home, so while I could go and get a "real" 9-5 job, I would miss them, pee and all. Deep breathes, only about 8 more hours in my day and then I can sleep for 6 hours and start all over again.

Are we always 16 inside?

So many days I feel like a grownup, all of the responsibilities, kids, house, husband, they weigh me down and I have to be the one who makes the hard choices and doles out the punishment. On a bad day, when I am so overwhelmed and feel like my life is running away from me, I still feel 16. I stand in the kitchen with the music blasting, eyes closed, and still feel like the babysitter waiting for the real parents to come home. My life moved so very fast after college, and I love what I have now, but there are so many days that I feel like I never really got a chance to finish growing up. I stand there in my jeans, hoodie and ponytail and wonder how it is that this is MY house and MY kids and that I have to be in charge. There are days I long for the ability to not have to make decisions, especially the hard ones, or deal with money and bills. Days where I want to jump in the car and go out and experience all that the world has to offer, see the sites I have never seen and find all of the nooks and crannies. When my kids are older, will I be too old for these things? Will I still want to drive into the world and find a new road or roadside shop? Will I always feel 16?

Tears flow

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a crybaby. I cry about just about anything, but RARELY do I cry about school. I had a busy day with the kids, Haven had riding then I took them to lunch. We got home and I was trying to get bathing suits ready, Grayson was screaming at me, which I swear is his newest pastime, Brittan was having a meltdown and I couldn't take it anymore. Sent the kids upstairs so that I could breathe, checked on the assignment I did last night and the professor STILL took off a ton of points. I literally followed line by line his criteria and STILL I lost 5 of 40 points and for the life of me I have no idea why! I feel like he is just making my life hell because I questioned him on some things, but hell, this is a doctoral program, and I didn't understand what he was doing in regard to grades and I would think we could ask questions.

He is just an asshole and I am so stressed that I just burst into horrible hyperventilating tears. I hate feeling powerless and I hate being made to feel like an idiot more. I would think by this point in my education I would be past those instructors that enjoy making students suffer, but I guess not. Boy won't it suck for him when I am done and we are at an all company meeting, since our schools are owned by the same corporation and I have tenure as I have been there longer :) I just need the next two weeks to pass, and with them my stress levels should drop.

Small steps

I often get discouraged that we cannot do more. I see other homesteading blogs and they have goats and sheep, they have already had seasons of canning, they milk their own cows, and I feel stuck in suburbia without the ability to do many of these things. I decided to look at it a different way, while we are hoping the next few years bring us to a home with multiple acres and the ability to have a larger garden, and small orchard and farm animals, we are doing quite well for where we are.

Here is our information. Our home is located on .77 acres, a good portion is wooded, plus our front yard is large with a creek running through it, not a great growing location. We have built out a two -tiered garden this year to serve as a main garden, we have the old smaller garden as the berry patch and we are fashioning a small makeshift garden on the side of the property to try out some crops I haven't grown before. We already plan to expand the garden we had built this year to include those crops next year. We are growing: pole beans, snow peas, two kinds of tomatoes, eggplant, two summer squash, two zucchini, pickling cukes, regular cukes, carrots, sweet potatoes, regular potatoes, butternut squash, acorn squash and sweet pumpkins.

In addition to our garden, we are supporting our local farms and buying local as much as possible. We are waiting on our beef order from a farm in Maryland, we get our milk, cream, eggs and honey from a local farm, I joined a CSA and will receive my weekly box of produce from them as well. I believe we will be able to make almost all meals 100 mile meals this summer, although some items such as olive oil are not local. I also localize my coffee, buying fair trade organic beans and roasting them here at home. We compost and try as much as possible to make our food. Overall, for being in suburbia, I think we are doing pretty well! Now I need to get these kittens to 6 weeks old, and into new homes, and then we start the chicken search :)

Life is hard

For some reason I feel like I am struggling in all I do lately. The class I am in is kicking my butt and I am one of those people who really beats themselves up if they don't achieve to the level they set for themselves. In addition, it is our slow week at FT school, so I feel unproductive and then worry that I am not doing all I can there. I am one of those people who lives with significant self doubt, maybe it is leftover from those days at Clemson when I failed everything just because I wanted to have fun. I know that this is a phase, I know that it will pass and that I am doing just fine, but I hate when my internal dialogue is so negative.

Also stressing me out is the planting. We have plants growing inside, but we need to get the garden prepped and it is too big of a job for me to do alone. I am thinking of dragging the manure cans with me tomorrow when Haven has riding so I can haul some manure home, at least it is a start. Maybe Gray and Britt can help shovel...hahaha! Next week Ryan is going on a field trip with Brittan's class, so I lose his help for that day as well. I am just happy we are on our way, one or two good days outside and we will be ready, now if only the weather would cooperate and get a touch warmer.

Deep in the caves....

So we decided we needed a much deserved family fun day!

We got up and headed out of the house around 10 am, which if you knew my husband, you would agree is a miracle! We drove up towards Luray and stopped in town to get some lunch. The restaurant we found was perfect, they used local ingredients and had a nice but casual atmosphere in a really pretty old building. After a yummy lunch (filled with pickles for Grayson!) we went over to the caverns. We got tickets and waited in line for the tour to begin. Gray thought it was spooky as we headed down the stairs into the first room of the cave, but he soon warmed up to the idea. The tour ran just over an hour and we walked a little more than a mile, so the kids were pretty tired by the end, and they had to hike back up all those stairs. Haven and Brittan thought the caves were pretty cool, although Brittsy faded and was tired by the end. The girls picked out some cute earrings (and they were so cheap we were happy to oblige) and Grayson bought a hard hat with a light on top (picture to come soon). After the caverns we stopped at a cute little shop on our way home and then made the trip back. The kids seemed to have a good time, and for the most part everyone behaved and was pleasant and smiley. I cannot wait for summer so that we can have more family days, it is really too bad that Ryan works weekends, because the kids and I love having him along for the adventures.

A perfect day

We have had such a nice, relaxing day. The kids have played, I went to the store to get cans for manure and soil for the new side garden and then to the grocery store. Dinner is cooking on the grill, a marinated pork loin and roasted veggies, yummy!

After dinner we are surprising the kids with a trip out for ice cream. Since they are on Spring Break, and I took the day off completely, it will be the perfect end to a perfect day.

Tomorrow we were planning a trip to Busch Gardens, but it looks like the weather is not going to cooperate. We gave the kids the choice of going downtown to the Botanical Gardens and Air and Space Museum or out to Luray Caverns. They chose the caverns, which makes me happy because I am always up for a trip through the country :)

Is this what it is like?

So we had a rough night last night, and finally I went to sleep in the guest bed just to get some rest. When I woke up, I came downstairs and Ryan had fed Brittan breakfast. I made some coffee, he went back upstairs to get some more rest and Britt went off to play. The other kids are sleeping and Brittan is off playing a game, and it is so peaceful. Is this what it is like to have only one child? If so, I can see the appeal, although I would miss all the extra "I love you's" and hugs and kisses, and yes I admit it, the NOISE!

Spring may have arrived

It seems as though we are turning the winter corner. Although we are still chilly, the sun is strong and the winds are low, which makes it much more pleasant. The tiered garden is complete, pictures to come. We are thinking of adding another side tier next year when the funds allow for it, that would give us the space for the things we are having trouble fitting this year. For now, the upper tier (the smaller one) will have trellises for tomatoes and beans and there will be a row of head lettuce planted at the front. The bottom tier will house both kinds of cucumbers, four types of summer squash, eggplant, carrots and leaf lettuce. The last area that will be cleared and readied later this week is the side garden that will house butternut and acorn squash, sweet pumpkins, sweet potatoes and fingerlings. I am so excited, and this weekend we will go haul manure from the farm if the weather holds up. Some mixing and tilling and we are ready to plant the seedlings that are waiting in the grow window!!

Easter pics

Here are some pics of the kids on Easter morning. You can see there are clearly before and after images :)

Poor baby

We had a bit of a hard Easter, The kids had a great morning and we headed to brunch with my family and had a lot of fun. When we got home, Ryan saw that one of the kittens, the orange one, was not doing well, he was cold and lethargic. I ran out to the pet store and got some kitten formula and we tried to warm him and feed him. He started to do better it seemed, meowing a bit and moving around, and we thought he might be OK. I just went to check on them and he had died. I am very sad, but also know that my kid are going to be devastated in the morning. I know that sometimes this just happens, but after spending the whole day trying to nurse him back to health, it is sad that he still passed away.

Pete Repeat

So I am going to say something that I am sure many of my students have said about me....




I HATE MY PROFESSOR!!!!!!!!!!


He doesn't give feedback and randomly takes off points. He gave me a 0 on a team assignment even though it was turned in and had both my name and my partner's name on it (and I did all of the work!) Did he not even READ it?

He lists APA pages, but doesn't ever discuss content or tell us what to fix.

HE ALL AROUND SUCKS!

OK, I feel a little better.

Plants away....

The retaining wall is coming along well, which means the garden will be ready in the next two weeks. Haven's riding instructor has been kind enough to share all the manure we can haul, and we will mix it in with compost and some other soil. So far, we have started the green beans, snow peas, eggplant, both tomatoes, both cucumbers, 2 yellow squash and 2 green squash inside. We will directly sow the carrots, lettuces, acorn and butternut squash, pumpkins, potatoes and sweet potatoes. Finally the berry patch needs to be planted and we will be ready to go!

Right now the big stress is tilling and prepping the side garden for the potatoes, acorn squash, butternut squash and pumpkins. Ry also has to turn the berry patch and we need to get those in the ground in the next two weeks.

I am hoping we have a great haul!

Quality Time

Ryan and I decided we needed a night off from the kids, so we headed out to dinner and left the little buggers home with the sitter. We went to the Melting Pot. I had gone years ago with work, but forgot how great it was. We has a small intimate little booth where we could sit close and talk. Dinner was FANTASTIC, the food was great, the service outstanding and we had a nice time chatting, laughing and enjoying each other. I almost never get my husband to myself, and it was nice for he and I to spend some time together reconnecting. The only bad thing was that our leisurely dinner went so late that we never got to the store to get my bookcases. Ah well, there is always tomorrow :)

Helicopter's babies

Here is a pic of the six kittens that were born last night. So far there is 1 orange, 1 gray and four that are a mix of gray, white and orange.

Kittens!!!!

So Helicopter had her kittens tonight, and we are hoping she is done!

It began around dinner, and unfortunately the first one didn't make it. Then we kept checking and she had four babies, so we moved her and the kittens into a box to keep them warm and cozy. Ryan just went up to check on them and SURPRISE....there were two more! So far, we have six surviving kittens, pics to come tomorrow!

Oh the drama

So I am still not sure of how the kids are doing, I guess time will tell.

For anyone looking to take on advanced degrees, know that it will rock your credit. My credit score was always stellar, but with the loans, it now just stinks. I am hoping that the next few years bring me a doctorate and more money!

The housing market is also stressing me out, I always felt like we could move if needed when I am done, but with the way things are, we could be trapped here for years. All I can hope for is that in the next three years, we will be able to sell our house if needed.

THE PRESSURE!

Haven home

Haven is home sick today. She ran a bit of a fever yesterday, and has a cough and low grade fever today. She is in good spirits as you is always happy to have a little extra attention:)

She will join us today on the farm run, and I am also hoping to also make a stop to pick up Easter outfits, plus the required Dr. Tom visit.

I am hoping Brittan is okay while we are out. We also have her first soccer practice tonight, so if she stays healthy, we will be heading there at 5:30.

I am just relieved that no one is really sick, although that could change any minute, I am going to choose to be thankful right now. Maybe the good thoughts will keep the sickies away!

Crazy days

Today was not the best day, but in the spirit of positive thinking, I am planning to remember only the high points and move on.

Seems like Haven ran a bit of a fever while I was at class, I am hoping she is feeling better so that she can head to school tomorrow, but if not, she will be riding to the farm with us.

I am exhausted, so I am of to sleep.

Home with highlights

Made it back home, and I am happily sitting on my own couch :)

The trip was really good, busy and tiring, but good. I feel like I am actually going to make it through this process, and I feel like I found people who not only understand what I am going through, they are also willing to help!

Here is what I learned:
1. APA style, while a bear, can be funny when they make all of it's pitfalls into a song
2. Writing in a scholarly fashion can be boring, but the topics are interesting, take what you can from it
3. What I am doing, the stress and struggles, are worth it. In the end I will be part of 1% of the population with a doctorate.
4. Dissertation time will be messy, and hard, and while I really like what I am researching, no one else is as interested in it as me and my committee.
5. Doors will save my family the worst of it. I will be buying doors for the living room so I can hole up in there.
6. As supportive as my family and friends are, no one really knows what I am going through and that is OK. Even though my dad got his EdD, it was long after his kids had left home and he was in his 50's. Not many folks take this on with two jobs and three little kids, but it is OK and I am doing it!
7. The most important thing I learned is that this IS hard and that I am not being a whiny baby when I get stressed or overwhelmed. I will finish this and I will succeed, but it won't be pretty while it is happening.

I feel like I accomplished something, and I also feel like I am one step closer to my goal. Now all I have to do is finish ten more classes, take the comp exams, and write a 150 page dissertation....PIECE OF CAKE :)