Baby guesses and the last day of school

It has been a busy few days here.  Yesterday I saw the perinatologist and they did a ridiculously long ultrasound to which we found out that the baby is healthy and looking good :)  Both the doc and the tech think that it looks like we have a little boy coming in December, but we will confirm everything at the next ultrasound in a few weeks....so no buying boy gear until then.

Today was the last day of school, and I am looking forward to skipping the morning rush during the week.  My kids are awesome about getting up and getting breakfast, and heck, they girls will even get Teagan and give her some Cheerios or yogurt to let me get a few extra minutes, so I am looking forward to a little break.  I need the break with Ryan's new schedule, which is really causing us both stress.  He is working a four day week, 12 hr days alternating with a 3 day week, 12 hr days....sounds good except when you add in the two extra hours of work along with the now two extra commuting hours due to double rush hours and that means on work days, it is a 16 hour day....no time to spend with us :(  He leaves before dinner now, so the kids miss having him do bedtime, and I miss getting any break at all during the day....but we are trying to adjust. The days he is home will be awesome, but the work days are long and tiring for a preggo mama who has to work as well. 

Today the girls had early release, so this morning Gray, Teagan and I had breakfast out, when the girls came home I took them to get their summer haircuts and then because I was tired and wanted to celebrate the end of school, we hit our favorite Mexican place for dinner....it was well worth it and really cheered up the mama who was a bit down in the dumps.

So we are adjusting and excited about the new maybe baby boy and nervous about what the future holds....it is a time of great flux in our little tribe, and I hope on the other side we have nothing but joy and happiness.

GPS is down

I have to admit, the not knowing about Ryan's job has got me on edge.  I am a planner, an evaluator, someone who weighs the options.  We knew that we wanted to move in two years and we were deciding on NY and the west side of VA.  In two years financially we were going to be in a good place to move, we were hopeful the housing market would have come back enough for us to sell the house, and we knew that I would be done with school.  That is in two years.....not now.

Now we need my income from the PT teaching gig and we won't have the cash we need to buy another house.  The current house is not worth enough to sell, and rent wouldn't cover the mortgage.  It is frustrating because Ryan will need a new job, so does he look here or in NY?  A job in NY means I am here all week with the kids, working my two jobs and writing my dissertation.  I would need to hire the sitter to help more, and it would be hard on me and the kids to make this work.  In the end, it would be the best choice as he would be established up there and we could determine what to do about the housing situation when the time comes....but a year and a half of him being gone all week is a lot to swallow.  He cannot even begin looking for work up north until the baby is born, because god forbid he got a job, I would be here alone and very, very pregnant!

I hate when other forces affect our plans.  We had a great plan, one where everything we wanted could happen on our schedule and we would all be together, and now that may change.  I am hopeful that he does not get laid off and we can keep going on track, or that the lay off doesn't happen until after the end of the year which would mean we may only be apart a year or less.  So difficult to imagine and it makes me sad that we have been working for so long towards this goal, and it may get squashed.  Double sigh.

Date night

Tonight the hubby and I are escaping the brood for a dinner out.  Sitter arrives at 5 and then we are high tailing it to the Thai place to indulge in Pad Thai and sticky mango rice and all the yummness that comes with a quiet Thai dinner.

In other news, saw the doc today and heard Baby Five Alive's healthy lttle heartbeat.  See the specialist on Thursday and will get an ultrasound to peek at the little bugger.  I will be nearly 15 weeks then, so we may even be able to see the gender, but will go back at 19-20 weeks for the big ole ultrasound followed by the fetal echocardiogram at 24 weeks...whew that is a lot of doctor visits!

We have just about narrowed the baby names down, and I am very sad that I will have to choose!  The boy name was Griffin, but that is in negotiation for another good Irish name that I love, but the hubby does not.  The girl name we agreed on pretty quickly, and it is not our "usual" name.  Five points for anyone who can guess it...it is German in origin and is in the title of one of The Seeker's songs.....

The Pit of Despair

No I have not fallen in :)

Hubby tried to make good...I will forgive him because really, do I want to raise five kids alone?  Plus, most of the time he is pretty swell, so I will just use this to blackmail him so I can name Baby Five Alive the name I like and he doesn't.

Ugh, so it is residency weekend, otherwise known as, sit all day for multiple days getting the beejeezes scared out of you regarding your comps (mine are done yeah!) and dissertation...with a closing class of "Yeah you are so smart and lucky and elite and blah blah blah" which does NOT make up for all the fear they dished out!  At least I got to ignore the comp exam stress and watched the people around me sweat about it. I also met with my dissertation chair, Dr. Bob,  and he is really great, seems interested in my topic and seeing me succeed and seems like an all around great guy. I am sure in about 15 months when I am gearing up to defend, I will think he is the devil :)

Cramming in 12 hours of meetings/driving, plus regular work, plus my family wasn't enough....it is also recital weekend, wooohoooo.  So tomorrow after waking at 5 am, leaving at 7 am, getting out of classes at 4:30 pm and needing to drive two hours home....I instead will go to a HS to see my girls dance, and then get ice cream and then come home and work.  Did I mention that Sunday's session starts at 8, so I get to leave at 6 am, **sigh**.  I will happily nap on Monday and dream of dissertation fairies that look like Dr. Bob dancing in my head :)

It is my birthday

and just like all other holidays....it has totally, and completely sucked. I can't even go into the depths of suckage, just imagine your worst birthday, and I am sure you will be close.

Onwards and upwards I guess.  Tonight is the girls dress rehearsal for their recital.  Sounds like fun to be in a HS auditorium with all four kids until way past bedtime....oh and we need to leave before dinner time.  To combat the angry, hungry child syndrome, I made some oven baked honey mustard chicken strips, pasta salad and strawberries to combat the hungry crazies.  I will pack it up and bring it with us, and I hope it will ease the beasts.

Tomorrow I get to spend the day cleaning up, and then Friday I need to be out the door by 7 am to go to a conference.  I am just hoping to make it home by bedtime for the kids :(

Saturday is recital day, but again I need to leave at 7 am to go to a conference then leave there at 4:30 and rush to the show hopefully in time to see my girls.  Ugh...did i mention I need to go on Sunday too?  And that grades are due?  And my normal work?  BLECK...I need this weekend to be over, today to be over, and I am skipping my birthday and all other holidays from now on, they are just a huge disappointment.  Oh I wish my husband could just be thoughtful once.

When life is stressful...I cook

I am anxious today.  I had a weird night filled with bizarro dreams (thanks pregnancy hormones!) and I woke just feeling off.  I tried to talk with the husband when he got home, but he was too tired ti engage me, so I vented to a good friend who let me complain about how I hate my house, and I hate my yard and I hate not knowing what is going to happen with Ryan's job and how I hate not having a plan....and then she helped me see that our house is big and roomy and while not ideal for me, comfortable will fit our tribe, that the yard is spacious and exciting for the kids who can explore the creek and the woods, that if Ryan lost his job and somehow could not locate another one in IT we would be comfortable for well over a year and if he did find an IT job out of state, we would somehow make it work until we could all be together.  She is a good friend and I feel much better.

However, once those anxiety fibers are in an uproar, I have nervous energy to burn off, so I decided to make a huge Italian feast for dinner,  Thankfully the Aerogarden was well overgrown with parsley and basil, so I made a batch of meatballs, and then started a pot of homemade sauce filled with veggies that will simmer the day away.  The homemade pasta dough will be made, rolled and cut when Ryan gets up around 3:30...he is the resident pasta cutter, and I have my recipe for foccacia sitting on the counter waiting for 1:30 when it will be time to make the dough.  The house smells fantastic, and while I fully expect to be exhausted by 3:30, it will be well worth it to enjoy this dinner with my family, and to be thankful for all we do have.

Adaptations

Humans, as a species, adapt well.  We adapt to changing schedules, environments, lifestyles, amount of sleep, etc.  As a mom of four (soon to be five) I have had to adapt.  When I first moved to VA I had a two bed/two bath apartment that I shared with my dog.  In the three months I lived there alone, before Ryan moved down, I had a cleaning routine.  Every Friday night after work, I would order a pizza and I would start at the bedroom and work my way towards the front door cleaning.  Usually by the time the pizza arrived, the apartment was clean.  Then Ryan moved in and I had to adapt.  He was messy...actually back then he was a SLOB!  He also liked to leave the TV on (I hate the extra noise) he liked to sleep a lot, he was just not on the same page as me.

As any couple does, we adapted.  He cleaned up more, I accepted some things, some very, very small things!  As kids came into the mix, I had to be willing to accept toys on the floor, clothes left in the bathroom, spills at the table and all that comes with having little people.  I would venture to say that anyone who walked in my house on a given day would not think it to be neat and orderly.  However, I always strive for clean.  I dust twice a week, I vacuum at least twice a day (combating Newfoundland hair and kid mess), I wipe the kitchen after every meal, the table after every meal, the bathrooms are cleaned multiple times a week and I pick up endlessly. We are not a show house.  At present we are a house in pieces with the master bathroom floor half torn up, the playroom in shambles and a few other small projects being completed, but the floors are vacuumed, the dishes clean, the bathrooms are presentable. It is all about adapting, and looking back now, I couldn't imagine not having all these glorious kids, and the messes they leave me!

This post is brought to you by my shiny new Mac

Yes it arrived, and just in time since my PC laptop was nearly dead...now I just need the software that is required to do my job and we will be fully operational.  I cannot express how happy I am that my boss went to bat and got me the new system, I really need to be on the Mac to help when students have questions, plus Adobe works so much better on a Mac :)

Today was a good day that started rough. I woke the kids at 6:15 to go pick up our chicken/bacon order and they were less than thrilled with me.  Literally woke them and walked them right to the car, all of us in our PJs!  Thankfully the house we need to pick up from is just a few blocks away, not so thankfully the very nice hostess packed our stuff in coolers and I had a hell of a time getting one of the boxes out.  Came home, separated the stuff into two groups, mine and Emily's, put ours away and got on with the morning.  Kids were troopers, they ate and then the girls got ready for school, I grabbed a shower and then got Teagie and Gray ready.  I managed to even get some work work done and the dishes before hustling the girls out to the bus stop and getting Gray and Teagie in the car.

Off we headed to Emily's to drop off her chicken and bacon and pick her and Maggie up for a trip the the farm, when the hubby called and had that tone that made it clear that he either got a ticket, got in an accident or got bad news at work.  It was the last one.  Seems his company will be laying off 50% of his department on or around August 1st...yeah?  We talked and I think we will be OK.  First we don't know if he will be laid off.  Second, there are a bunch of positions available in other departments within his company (HUGE national company with headquarters in VA).  Third, the severance package is good, especially since he has been there seven years, we should get a full 5-6 months pay, and we can always get benefits through my company.  So WORST case scenario, he gets laid off, can't find an IT gig so takes some other job making less money while looking for work and we use the severance to help make up the difference, which should last us well over a year then.  So we moved on and made a short term plan.

Anywho.....Gray and Teagan and I grabbed Emily and Maggie and ran to Wegmans for a few staples then off to the farm.  Dropped them all off (except the baby!) and ran home to get into bathing suits for the first trip to the pool!  Met them up at the pool and we had a blast.  Teagan LOVES the water, she doesn't mind being splashed, she kicks and plays and loves being bounced in the water...such a little water baby!  Grayson did great and seems very interested in getting better at swimming, which bodes well for swim lessons this summer and I was thrilled to be in the sun, getting fresh air and the freckles on my face and shoulders are out in force, as is the very red sunburn I got today.

Day ended with a crazy thunderstorm during our delicious dinner of homemade blueberry pancakes and some of our new bacon, which was delicious in its nitrate-free, antibiotic-free, hormone-free glory!

Things we do for/to our kids

Tomorrow morning I will wake my four kids at 6:30 am to throw them in the car in their PJs so we can drive to a house at the back of our neighborhood.  At that house, I will then hop out of the car, grab two big boxes and bring my sleepy crew home where I will have the girls get ready for school as I put away the contents of the boxes.  What are we getting you ask?  Chicken and bacon.  Yep, tomorrow is our monthly pick up from Quail Cove Farms and we will be getting about 12 packages of chicken tenders and 6 packages of pork bacon...mmm bacon.  While the kids are not thrilled about the early pick up, they know that the food they are getting is the best we can find for them, and that it is important.

Once the girlies are off to school, Grayson and Teagan and I are off to the farm for our milk pick up.  The weekly drive is not one I look forward to, but knowing that the kids are all drinking hormone and antibiotic free milk is very important to us.  We also get the yogurt we feed Teagan there, as well as various fruits and veggies, honey, beef, eggs, occasionally cheese, ice cream (SO good) and other goodies.  Is the drive long-yes, but it is so worth it!

When Ry starts his new schedule in a few weeks, we will also begin a bi-weekly trip to the farmer's market on Sunday mornings. The treks, the hauls, the hard work is all worthwhile as we know that the food we put in our bodies is the healthiest available.  So tomorrow, off we go bright and early, and you bet your bippy there will be bacon for dinner in this house tomorrow!

No Jam

Well.....the family and I set off today to pick strawberries.  I knew we were late in the season, but it was slim, slim pickings.  Sadly, no where near enough to make jam this year, so I am a little sad about that, but plan to send them out to the local berry farm to get raspberries and blueberries in July, so we will just have to suffer through having only blueberry and raspberry jam this year...and of course the apple butter I make every year!

I did not make bread last week, but that was because I decided to spend time with the kiddos.  Tomorrow the girls have school and Gray is going to a friend's house, so I am planning to clean and organize the master bedroom, do a ton of laundry and make that bread. I also have to finish patching the playroom walls, and then Wednesday I will FINALLY prime!  Things are slowing down, and that is quite the relief, if only I felt better.  This pregnancy seems a lot like the one with Brittan, I was just so tired and sick all the way through. I am hoping that the tides will change soon, usually by 14-15 weeks I will feel better, if I am ever going to, so fingers crossed!!

Slacking

OK, I admit it, I am slacking a bit.  I haven't made bread in weeks and lets face it, dinner around here has been more sandwiches, eggs and easy meals than usual.  I usually have canned at least 24 jars of strawberries and jam by now and sadly, we have not done that either.  I did not rejoin the CSA this summer as I fear it would be too time consuming and we would miss too many weeks when we are away, so now I need to start heading to the farmers market every other week to gather good food for the family.  The garden you ask....yeah, not done either  I planted the seeds and replanted the seedlings, but unless the hubby can get the garden tilled, it is just not going to happen this year.  I am sad, but at the same time, I think we need the time off to recoup and replan.  What I want to do is get a load of manure and till it into the garden and let it sit for the summer, then maybe we will do a fall crop to see how things go.  I hate not having food right outside, it is a hard adjustment, but sometimes it just cannot happen, and this is one of those times.

Now to rectify the other issues.  Bread will be made tomorrow, one loaf of sandwich bread as we are just about out, and one batch of cinnamon raisin bread as it sounds yummy.  Maybe the kids and I will go and pick strawberries after dance today, or maybe we will go to the farmers market tomorrow to see if they have any already picked for me....time to get back in the saddle.

I would blog, if I could stay awake!

I have been really tired, like go to bed at 8:30 tired, which is so not like me.  Must be the combination of early pregnancy, work and the four crazy kids I have running me ragged each day.

Today is traditionally my quiet day at home, but it was a but crazier than usual.  Thankfully I am spending the afternoon firmly planted on the couch.  Dinner is going to be eggs and toast,  I just don't have anything else in me.  Havey has dance, and the kids all need showers, and tomorrow we all need to be out the door by 8 to get Gray to graduation on time.  Saturday will be nuts as usual with Brittan's dance class, Sunday has been declared "All the kids help mom clean the house from top to bottom" day AKA Phase 1 of Duggarizing, and Monday I am taking the dang day off!

Oh, and in more randomness...Teagan has learned how to move the baby gate!  We have one of those huge expanda gate things that can make a jail or barricade an area...we use it to block off the end of the family room to confine her just to thiat room.  Now she can dislodge the end of the gate and slide by, at TEN MONTHS...jeez I am in trouble.  She and Baby Five Alive will be sneaking out by 5 and 4 if this keeps up.  Teagie is such a sweet girl I can forgive her her mischievous behavior, but man what a smarty pants!

A decade

Ten years ago, at 5:57 pm, I became a mother.  That day, that new title, changed me for every more.  Ten years ago today, my oldest daughter Haven was born and my world was never the same.  I was young, 24 years old, and so unprepared for what becoming a mother meant.  The first two years of Haven's life were a roller coaster. She had horrible reflux the entire time, food allergies cropped up, she has issues gaining weight, a heart condition, asthma and a strong little personality even then.....it was tough, but the one thing we learned was how to advocate for our child and get her the best care.

Now at ten she is an amazing person.  She is loving, sweet and kind.  She is also loud, crazy and demanding!  She keeps us on our toes, and still has a few medical things going on (waiting for a Neuro call as I write) but she is so strong, physically and mentally. She has overcome years of seizures to excel in school.  She walks her own path and lives a life true to herself.  She is unique and I love her for it.

So my dear Haven, my first born, thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for teaching me to love unconditionally and to know what it is like to be willing to die for someone else no questions asked. Thank you for being my girl and for always being yourself.  Our tribe would not be complete without you!

I must be old

because my #1 kid...in rank, turns DOUBLE DIGITS on Monday!

Tomorrow, well I guess later today since it is nearly 1 am, the load of us will trek two hours to my sister's town to see them and my parents who are there visiting, take the almost b-day girl to lunch and hang out.  I am incredibly thankful that my poor hubby will be coming home straight from work and an hour commute, to climb into the car with me, since my mother was less than thrilled with the announcement of #5 and this is our first face to face since sharing :)  Thankfully I will drive and he will snore, both ways, but we will all get there and celebrate the fact that Haven is turning 10 AND that I have survived 10 years of being her mother!  Haven is a handful, she is my kid with all the medical stuff, plus she is very emotional and the child who I am most likely to clash with, so a decade together where we still love and like one another at the end is awesome and wonderful and fantabulous.

OK, I am really frickin tired and had to take another half a stomach pill, which makes me loopy, since Baby Five Alive makes me sick from 7 pm on, so I need to stop blogging and sleep.

The abundance of online suckage astounds me

***EDITED TO NOTE...I am VERY hormonal and VERY tired and have had my share of BS and yelling and general crappola from the littles today, so take this with a grain of salt, or a pound, whatever you need to make it go down OK***


I find people really lack any sort of common decency online, and I teach at an online school, so this is based on years of experience.  There is something about the anonymity of it all, that people say things that they would probably not say to another person's face, or to someone they know socially.  It makes me want to jump through the computer sometimes, shake the person and say "HELLO...REAL PERSON HERE!!"


I just removed a comment from a blog I read....and I am not a comment remover.  I read the blog because I find the author writes well, and says so many of the things we all think, and she does so in a funny and interesting way.  I removed the comment since another poster, not the author of the blog, basically shit on me for it.  Hmm....I was just trying to help and may actually understand the plight of the author what with my gaggle of kid and night working hubby. So anyway, I became a comment deleter since I find that the other poster should really check my blog to see that 1.  I may actually have information that is relevant and 2. I am above being told to "shut up" . I am guessing I will not comment on that blog again due to the readership being so damn rude.  Sad since I really like the author.

Rant done.

I can feel it coming

summer, oh those blessed days when I only have one job and I actually get to relax occasionally!

We are getting things done around here, it takes longer than I want, and is slower than anyone could imagine, but they get done.  Last days off, the hubby got the TV stand built and stained, it will move into place this weekend.  I have the baby's room cleaned up, our closet cleaned out and have been slowly attacking areas of the house.  The playroom is ready to be primed, and I am hoping for Saturday afternoon, since Sunday we are off to my sisters to celebrate Haven's b-day a day early.

If the weather holds up, Ry can work on the playset Tuesday and the garden, and I can paint the playroom.  I have a document to write for a course, and that is on the plan for today and tomorrow, if the program will work, it is on the fritz.

The sun is shining, I have a plan for the day and the hubby is stopping at the bagel store to bring me a bagel....good times!

To keep the banana theme

I decided to make banana crumb cake instead of banana bread.  I LOVE crumb cake, if there is enough good crumb.  I found the recipe here at Southern Plate and made a few adjustments.  I used real butter since we do not keep margarine in the house and I don't have self rising flour so I added the required baking powder and salt. I also doubled the crumb topping because, lets face it, the crumb topping ratio to cake very important.  I also used butter for the topping...and please do not count how many sticks of butter are in my two crumb cakes, it is excessive!

They are heading in to bake now and I am really hoping they come out as good as the ones on Southern Plate looked.  I also believe we have finally reached the end of the banana pile!  I have one for Teagan's lunch today, a few more to freeze, and we are officially out of bananas.  So for my dollar's worth of bananas the kids ate a ton of them, I froze enough for two more double batches of banana bread or muffins or cake, I made banana pancakes, we had bananas in our fruit salad and now we will have two banana crumb cakes.  That bananas!!!

Getting it done

We are off to a good start today, well except for the whining and fighting from some of the littles.  I made banana pancakes for breakfast, Gray enjoyed five, Teagan and Britt each had three and Haven ate one....I think she is rebelling since anything I cook lately, she barely eats.  Got the dishes and vacuuming done, moved around some laundry and have the diapers soaking, kids are out "weeding" the big garden...I am just hoping they get the big stuff so I can till tomorrow, my plants need to meet the ground!  Baby just headed for nap and I need to make banana bread, get some work done and heat up lunch for the kids, leftover spice chicken enchiladas that they are looking forward to.  I also need to go inspect the playroom walls and figure out which need to be spackled so I can prime tomorrow, and if I get my work done, tonight I will sort the master closte.

Tomorrow is Ry's agreed upon down day, so I will let him watch over the baby while relaxing while I work upstairs organizing the baby's room and our room and then prime the playroom.  Tuesday he is working on the tv stand and the molding in the dining room and around the fireplace, and I am hoping to paint the playroom. I hope we get it all done!

Sometimes, just sometimes, the stars align

and you have an awesome outing.

Today is Brittan's dance day.  Ry used to take her, but since it is from 11:30-12:30 and his schedule had changed so he was working Saturday nights, it was really too hard on him to be up that long. So last I started taking her, and well, it wasn't so great last week.

Today we had a plan.  We brought Britt in and got her to class.  It is crowded when dance first starts because of the class before hers, so after she was in class, Grayson, Haven, Teagan and I walked down to the coffee house.  I got an iced coffee, Haven an Italian soda and Gray a banana smoothie and everyone sat and drank nicely (Teagie had some cheerios and a bottle of juice). We killed almost a half hour there, so next we started our walk back, and on the way, there is a Subway so I stopped and got sandwiches to bring home for lunch (two $5 footlongs to feed us all!)  Made it to the dance studio just in time to see the last few minutes of class when the parents can watch the recital dance and then we started to leave.  As we left, we noticed the pool place next door had a bunch of stuff set up outside, and there was an ambulance and police car for the kids to see and the parks and rec people were there....so we went and explored. They had a bounce house, big slide, games, free...yes FREE hamburgers and hotdogs with all the fixins', tons of goodies for the kids and we had a blast.  Kids all ate there, and then ate their sandwiches when they got home...piggies...and they got lots of fun stuff.  Gray got to climb in the ambulance, his absolute favorite thing to do, and Teagie loved the bubble machine.  Kids bounced and slide and played games and it was super fun, free and right there waiting for us!

We came home, they were happy, they played, baby napped, I ordered the rest of Haven's b-day gifts....really good afternoon with the kids, and tomorrow starts the hubby's weekend...wahooo!

OBs, sick babies, bananas,oh my!

Things can change so quickly when you live in a house with many small people.  Yesterday Britt was getting over being sick and I *thought* Gray was coming down with it.  On top of that, my anemia took over and I was just wiped out and feeling really badly (to help you mamas who know iron levels, I can easily be a 6 early in pregnancy...and they want a minimum of a 12, 10 for me is stellar).  The husband decided to stay home since I was feeling so sick, and thank god for that since we put Teag down at 8 and she was up every hour until midnight, then up most of the night.  She had a fever and a gross nose, bad combo for a baby, so she was miserable. She has barely napped today, we get about a half hour at a time with her, so I cannot express how happy I was that he was home to deal with her last night so I could get some rest.

So today I went off for yet another OB appt.  This is appt number THREE and I am not quite 10 weeks....that is crazy since I never saw my old OB until I was at least 11 weeks!  Plus they have me scheduled to see them again in four weeks and the high risk OB in four weeks where I will get another ultrasound.  So weird for me since with all my other four, I never saw them on the little screen until the big 18-20 week ultrasound.  I am a bit annoyed I have to see the high risk doc, my other OB never made me do that except first pregnancy, but alas I will go because they want me to, it isn't far and hell I am old as crap this time around....I will be "advanced maternal age"  EEK!

After the OB, grabbed Gray from pre-k and hit the store for a few goodies for dinner (spiced chicken enchiladas if you must know) and was thrilled to see the packs of bananas on sale for 25 cents each!  Now my kids inhale bananas, and some of these were getting soft so I only grabbed four bunches, but may go back tomorrow for more.  The really soft ones have already been mashed and frozen for banana bread.  Some were made into chocolate covered frozen bananas for dessert tonight, some more will be made into banana muffins tomorrow and I have plans to make a nice fruit salad that will have some added.  The remaining 12 or so will be devoured by my kids by tomorrow afternoon.  Best damn dollar I ever spent.

What is the weird feeling washing over me?

Ah yes, it is a sense of calm!  I have 10 more final exams to grade, which won't take long.  I have some posts to do for the other gig, some grades and I need to finish rubrics for a final class, but for me, this is pretty light!  I know that by the end of the day tomorrow, all of these will be done and I will be back to only having to do my one job(and write a course, but that is extra cash work) until the end of August.  Oh how I am looking forward to the extra time, I cannot wait until Monday when I can paint the playroom, and I have big plans to get back on the bread making wagon this weekend.  I am so excited to be feeling on top of things and calm again....now if only Britt would go back to school tomorrow so I can only have to take Teagie with m to the doctor!

Watch me swing like a pendulum

Hormones, a women's best and worst friend, when else can you get away with being completely irrational and neurotic and everyone just go on about their business.

The last few days have been hard and the hormones have been raging.  Loads going on at work, lots of stress, Haven's EEG, Britt is sick and the house is still is disarray.  Needless to say I can swing from loving and adoring my family to wanting to move to Tahiti alone.

Today is a good hormone day, so that is a positive...for me and the family!

Mother's Day...another reminder that our schedule is not normal

Tomorrow morning when moms around the country are waking to breakfast in beds of burnt toast, eggs, muffins, etc. and opening the handmade gift and cards from their children, I will be waking to make my kids breakfast.  Ryan works tonight, so he won't be home to do the morning Mother's Day thing and the kids are too young to do it by themselves.  Now I will get the handmade goodies and hopefully Haven will remind her dad to get me a card, but it won't happen until mid-morning.  I will juggle the kids, and clean up and do all the things I do every morning. I will then direct the kids outside and help them plant the flowers I bought today in the flower beds.  I will then feed them lunch while my husband gets a few hours sleep, and then hopefully he will get up and he and the kids will clean out and wash my car, my only request and the one present I want.  I wanted crab stuffed lobster tails, but the hubby doesn't know how to make it, so either I make it for myself (and the rest of the family) or just not have it....I have decided he can cook for the kids and himself, I will eat cereal.

Our schedule right now just sucks.  When Ry's schedule changed early this year, and now he works Friday and Saturday nights, meaning he has to sleep most of Sunday leaving him almost no time with the kids on the weekend.  It is annoying and exhausting to have the kids all weekend alone, but hopefully the schedule will change soon.  He also said he will try to get next Saturday off so I can catch a break, but for now, this is our schedule, our life and we made the job choices we did so we are here for our children.  **sigh**  Pity Party over, off to make Chicken Tikka Masala for dinner!!!

Heavy chest

Wow, I am not sure how to approach this on a blog, but I am just so hurt and so sad.  We announced our pregnancy to my parents last week the same time we did everyone else (except my sister and Emily who got the early heads up).  It was a difficult decision because my mother has never been happy when we announced a new baby.  She says she is worried about me, but she is so mean and so hurtful that I have a really hard time believing it comes from a place of concern.  I believe she really only looks at herself in these situations, I think for some reason she is embarrassed that we have such a large family, and she is not happy that I have chosen to have that family with Ryan, regardless of how happy we all are.

We decided to email them a picture of the ultrasound and a note since they were away.  It was the easy way out for me, since I didn't have to deal with her initial reaction, and I felt it would give her a day or two to sort through her bad feelings and find a way to be nice.  Sunday the phone rang and it was my father who kindly congratulated me and said they worried about my health, etc, but he (and my mom) were happy to have a new child in the family.  My mother....she was laying down and couldn't talk to me.  Fast forward to yesterday, Brittan had her play at school and had a big speaking part and I wanted to remind them to call her and wish her luck, so I called and spoke to my father and he said they would call.  At 5 pm, phone rang and it was my father, he talked to Brittan and my mother got on the phone and talked to Brittan and then when Britt handed the phone back, it was my father, my mother had "gone to get ready for Bridge."  OK, so it has been a week and she hasn't said anything to me, not hello, now what's going on, nothing. Hell, don't say congratulations, but don't stop talking to me over this!

I am so sick of being made to feel like a disappointment.  I have four beautiful, well behaved, happy children who are loved beyond belief and number five will join in all of that happiness.  I am beginning my dissertation and have a respectable job as a college professor.  I own my home, I love my husband and I am happy with the life we have created.  Is it hard sometimes, yes, is it a life that most people would choose, probably not, but it is my life and my choices.  It makes me so sad, so sad that this is how I will remember announcing the newest baby, sad that the previous four announcements have been just as poorly received and upsetting to me.  When did a new child become something to punish someone for?

Name help PLEASE!

OK folks....after having four kids, we are struggling for even preliminary names for #5. So far, all our kid's names end in "n" and are real names with real meanings, the oldest three (Haven, Brittan and Grayson) are Old English and Teagan is Irish.  I am looking for name help please, so if you have any ideas, I want to hear (or read) them!  I like to go into my ultrasound with a name in mind, and I need to negotiate with the hubby, so the more ideas the merrier!

  I would like the first to end in an "n" if possible and be somewhat different. Girls names can be more outside the box than boys names and I would like to stay away form the letters we have used since I screw their names up as it is, so h, b, g and t.  HELP!

Step back and breath

Wow, it has been a rough few days for me.  Morning sickness, hormones, headaches and general work craziness has made life seemingly overwhelming.  I have all these projects on task, and for the next week, they will need to be put on hold until work is sorted, and this makes me crazy.  I know they will get done, but the problem with being Type A and OCD and living with a family that simply is not, means everything takes longer than I could ever imagine.

Right now my bathroom is in shambles and the husband and I are engaged in heated discussion over whether he should tear out the shower and lay a new shower pan and tile it.  I would love a new shower, ours is pretty old, but I also know how he works, and it could take months for that shower to get done....plus it is a hard task and I am not sure he is up for it.  I just want to lay a new floor and paint, and while I understand that the shower is old and not the best, but as far as we can tell it is not leaking and I can live with it for a few more years.  Having only the two days off a week and having to "adjust" to a regular schedule makes getting stuff done hard, and I need the bathroom, playroom and playset done by June so we can concentratte on decluttering and painting the exterior of the house in July and August.  See, hormones, they make a mama crazy!

So I am stepping back and trying to breath. I have to go and pick up our chicken order early tomorrow and then I promised Gray I would take him to get a new sprinkler, so we will.  Then home to work on rubrics for work and then to Britt's play tomorrow night.  If all goes well, tomorrow I will have a clean(er) house, more laundry done, a decent dinner on the table, rubrics for one course finished and a happy family....just breathing.

Watch out world....I am starting summer break!!

It is a time of fear in my house, the day arrives in May where I am done teaching PT job and my family knows it is only a matter of time that I begin pulling the house apart and starting the big projects that have been waiting all year.  At present, we are already pretty pulled apart.   The play room is pretty empty and ready for priming and painting.  My bathroom is also in shambles and hopefully today the hubby will determine if we need a new subfloor and we will get the new tile this week for the floors...painting will happen at night by me.  Also on the plan, the new playset needs to be built, the garden needs to be prepped and the plants transplanted, I need to repaint the railing upstairs, and we need to do the playroom carpet and the tile in both upstairs bathrooms.

Today I plan to spackle the playroom walls and hopefully get the hubby to tape off the ceiling.  I need him to pull back the old floor in the master by the shower to see if we need the new subfloor, if not I can get painting.

The final BIG project this summer is to paint the exterior of the house.  I am picking colors as we speak, and it will be quite the process being that the hubby is only off two days a week and the weather will need to cooperate, but I am really hoping we get it done!

Just a glimpse

We are often asked "how we do it" which I find to be a funny question since all families are unique and have challenges,  Personally I don't know how families where both parents work crazy hours "do it" or single parents, but I guess I will give a glimpse into our life, our schedule and how we do it within our four walls.

I will admit that juggling four kids, work, school, activities, etc is an ongoing battle, and lately those challenges are compounded by extra issues such as comprehensives, Ryan's wacky and ever changing schedule, end of school year stuff, surprise doctor's appointments, etc, so there needs to a fluidity to our lives.

First of all, we always have a schedule and a plan.  The schedule is always changing and adapting, but it is there.  Every morning when we get up, the kids are briefed on the schedule.  By informing them of the plan, they are prepared and know how things will go.  On a typical school morning our routine never changes, NEVER.  They are up, they eat, they get dressed, brush teeth and hair, pack everything up, Haven takes meds, they get checked over and we are off. This has been the routine since Haven was in preschool, and it will never change.  On Gray's preschool days, he follows the schedule and gets ready, stay home days he is free after breakfast and teeth brushing to go play.

I have to plan every day around work.  If I have a call, if I have a special project, grading, etc, it all needs to be worked into the schedule in a way that also works with the kids.  Right now I usually work in the mornings and at night, which leaves time for the kids during the day.  In the summer, I always work morning and after kids bedtime, it means we can be out of the house by 10 to go and do fun things together.

Dinner is planned...well except when I am in early pregnancy and really tired :)  Dinner is planned by breakfast so I know when I need to be home, what I can make ahead, if someone has an activity, etc.

Naps are scheduled for the baby and unless it is an out and about errand morning, she naps twice a day.Sometimes we need to be out, and I try to have a long enough drive, such as to the farm, so she can get a decent nap.  On those days, we also make sure we are home for the afternoon nap, which is easy since that is when the girls are coming home from school.

Activities are a whole new animal.  We have two in activities now, and Grayson will start football in the fall.  With Ryan's changing work schedule, and my teaching schedule at PT school, we may face a problem with his practices.  I have already asked my babysitter next door if we can hire her to bring him to football if needed, and she has happily agreed, so we dodged that bullet for the moment.  I hope that in the next few years, when we move and add more activities to the mix, that I will no longer be teaching PT and we won't need to worry about the after school schedule.  As for the girls, they take dance classes and we schedule on the days I don't teach, so that makes life easy :)  The babies will have daytime activities soon.  I plan to enroll Teagan in a baby gym program when she is 2 and will enroll #5 when he/she is also 2.  Their activities take place during the day while the big kids are at school, so that will be good too!

Lastly, chores.  All my kids have responsibilities, well not Teagan she is still too little :)  As soon as they can walk and communicate a little, around 18-24 months, my kids are given responsibilities.  Simple things such as putting their clothes in the laundry, picking up toys, putting a plate in the sink, even the littlest kids can learn to help.  My kids don't have daily chores, in this house the chores are to do whatever mom or dad needs help with. They fold and put away their own clothes, help wash clothes, vacuum, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, clean bathrooms, dust, wipe down windows, take out trash, take out compost, recycling, mop and the list goes on.  We teach them to do the things needed to keep up a home, however we usually only ask them to do one or two chores per day, unless the whole family is doing a big cleaning.  Learning how to do something properly, say unload the dishwasher, is important for them once they are older, and helps me as I can assign a child to the task and know they will do it well.  The kids can be a great help around the house and it just about balances out all the messes they leave for me as they move from room to room :)

The thing about having a houseful while juggling work and school and decent meals is you have to plan, there is no other way to get it done.  Housework and house renovations needs to be planned.  Family cleaning needs to be planned.  Outings need to be planned.  However, IF you plan and IF you are consistent, it really can run smoothly.  I feel calmer most days with a full house then I did when my two oldest were babies.  I was always overwhelmed then, second guessing everything, never sure what to do when.  Now we know what we are doing, and sometimes we can't achieve all we want, but we set our plan and we stick to it.

Did I ever tell you my favorite number?

Well it is five. It is so much my favorite number that when I pump gas, I strive to always pump $25.55 (mostly because $55.55 is too much for my tank). I even have a license plate that says Kell(e)y5.

So therefore it only made senses that.....

.BABY MAKES FIVE!

Newest addition due around late November/early December.....here's hoping my mom doesn't freak too much since she believes in two kids only!

Out with the dirty birds

I have to give credit where credit is due, my dear friend Emily who I have slowly begun dragging over to the dark side where we eat organic and recycle, found us a place to get chicken! We get our beef from a local farm, and it is delicious and affordable. See she has a family of five, we have a family of six, so feeding the family good food still needs to be manageable and buying a half cow at a time and splitting it between families does that.

Now chicken has been a difficult task. Chicken is notoriously "dirty" as food goes. The way the chickens are raised: antibiotics, animal by-products, growth hormones, filth. The way they are processed...yuck. But chicken that is natural and clean is hard to come by at a price we can pay. The farm we frequent sells roasts, that are about 5 lbs, for over 16 dollars. Feeding our families chicken that was healthy was not affordable until today, today Emily found local, relatively inexpensive, healthy chicken. I placed our first order today, and as long as it is up to standards, I expect to be filling my freezer full. The company she located also has tons of other items, including cheeses, grains, produce, and meats, so I am excited to have another resource at my fingertips, and another way to tempt Emily to my side....bwaaahahahaha!

OCD+Big baby nap =

one productive mama.

I planned to take it easy today, I had promised a pesto tortillini salad for the teachers at the girl's school, and I made it first thing this morning so Ryan could run it up when he got home. The rest of the day was to be easy, run the vacuum, maybe switch laundry, but mostly just veg since I really need a down day, but then it happened.....the baby decided to take a looooooong morning nap. She went to sleep and I knew it would be awhile, so Grayson and I decided to make a chocolate cake, which was quite the adventure being that it was the first time he helped make a whole dessert! We made the cake in two layers, and since Teagan was still sleeping, we used some of my canned strawberries to make a strawberry layer for the cakes. She was still zonked, so I took the chicken from Monday's dinner and started stock. I am planning to make lemon chicken orzo soup for dinner, and once the stock is made, the rest comes together quickly. So, since the baby was STILL sleeping, I decided we needed something with the soup and made a batch of bread that is now off sitting for it's first proof. My house smells delicious, the stock is bubbling, the cakes are cooling and the bread with its yummy yeasty aroma is rising. The laundry was switched, the floors vacuumed and I feel accomplished, happy and content at my ability to care for my family.

Now if only that baby would wake up so I could play with her!

BTW...I am hoping to share my big news tomorrow....still taking guesses :)

We are a specialists dream

Oh how the specialists love us. With Haven it is always an adventure in healthcare, and just to keep us on our toes, she decided to start having double vision and seeing light flashes yesterday. Now you moms of normal kids might dismiss this as "kid stuff" and being that she has neuro issues (epilepsy), we knew we needed to have things checked out. Now Haven is exciting to live with since we have never gone to a specialist and walked out without a diagnosis, and never what I was expecting. So we went to the pediatrician yesterday who confirmed the problem was neurological and made us an appointment with a neurologist in town. I called Haven's pediatric neurologist who is an hour away, and she was out of town and being covered by another pediatric neurologist who was a mere hour and a half away! Regardless, we got in the car this morning, drove to the neuro and had things checked out.

The good news is whatever is going on does not seem to be too major. The bad news is we are not sure what is going on. She has been scheduled for a 24 hour EEG which will give us some insight, and if the double vision comes back and persists, we will head in for an MRI. Our hope is that she just needs her meds adjusted and we can go back to our crazy life, but for the moment, her neuro concerns are on our minds.

Big news...but you have to wait

I have big news, really big, fantastic, wonderful and exciting news, but I just cannot share yet. I have to wait a few more days JUST to make sure all my little ducks are in a row and then I will be happy to share. Part of why I haven't been blogging is in relation to this big news, so hopefully my one loyal reader will again be blessed with daily update of my shenanigans with the tribe.

I will give an update on the littles. Haven is having a great few weeks, super helpful and good behavior. Britt has been good, a little whinier than usual, but she is always like that as the school year starts to wrap up. Gray has been good, thankfully we nipped the school issue in the bud. Not that he was ever bad, he just kindly refused to do what was asked of him...at least he was polite. Teagan...oh she is a funny little thing. She is into EVERYTHING, so fast and busy and silly. We have had to order a big gated playpen, nicknamed "baby jail" so we can keep her safe and confined. I did pick her up a new big fun toy, so at least baby jail won't be torture.

That's all for now, big news post coming soon!!!!

I have things to share

but have been so damn busy. I forget how crazy the end of semester is. Tons of grading, projects and getting everything together.

I guess we will be back in full force in about three weeks.

Until then, I will share the disgusting story from yesterday. My husband and the two littles went to lunch at a local eatery and I ordered their burger that has grilled onions, bacon and cheese on it (this is important). I always cut my burgers into quarters, and after eating one quarter I picked up the next one and realized that the burger patty was raw...not rare, RAW. I couldn't tell on the first quarter because all the "stuff" on the burger covered it. Needless to say, I was sick to my stomach yesterday afternoon and had to consider the risk of e coli and how that would affect Teagan who is still nursing. I am FURIOUS with the restaurant because they also CHARGED us for the burger. I have emailed the manager and I am waiting for a response, and god help them if Teagan of I get ill. Seriously, RAW?

Today-the midday recap

So far so good on the day...here are the highlights.

Awesome yummy breakfast of eggs and cheese on biscuits.
Hubby came home early and attacked the evil honeysuckle outside
Haven did her punishment chores without complaint
Laundry was washed
Bathrooms were cleaned
Floors were vacuumed
Dishes were washed
My work work is done
15 papers for PT school (out of 47) are graded
Bread is rising
Baby took awesome morning nap
Britt has a good dance class


Still on board for the afternoon...
Need to finish the brisket that is cooking for dinner
Need to make potato pancakes for dinner
Need to start the pizza dough for tomorrow night's Make Your Own Pizza Funtacular
Need to make another batch of Mozzarella cheese for tomorrow nights Make Your Own Pizza Funtacular
Need to start seeds
Baby needs second nap
Laundry needs to be switched
Dishes need to be switched
Need to grade another 15 papers
Need to write a paper

So far so good, lets hope the day continues to be productive....and did I mention how yummy the brisket smells??

Biscuits baby

I have made biscuits before...from the can, from a mix, from a box. I have always been afraid of making real scratch biscuits because I worried they would be tough or flat or hard. I have no fear of yeast breads, but there is something about cutting cold butter into flour that makes me cautious.

Tonight we were having a chicken cacciatore-esque meal and I did not get home early enough to make focaccia which was what I originally planned. So when my girls came home from school, I asked them if they wanted to make biscuits with me. Haven wanted to read, but Brittan was up for the challenge and we got down and dirty.

We of course doubled the recipe so we would have leftovers for breakfast, but the process was easy, even cutting the butter in! It was a great math lesson for Britt since we doubled the recipe, she had to practice doubling measurements. I rolled the dough out so it would stay tender, and she was the official biscuit cutter, and she did great.

We baked them off and when they came out I was so nervous. They smelled great. They looked fantastic. Then we tasted and they were so, so good!

Biscuits will never come from a can in this house again. I always have the ingredients on hand for homemade biscuits, flour, salt, sugar, butter, milk. It was really quick and easy to make, and I felt good giving them to my kids. Heck, even the baby indulged in a biscuit!

Tomorrow morning the kids will get biscuits with farm fresh eggs for breakfast. Delicious.

Happy Nine Months Teagan Jayne!

Oh where has the time gone?

You are such a joy to us and I cannot imagine life without you. You bring us all happiness, always quick with a smile and laugh to show off your dimple. You are also one busy baby! You crawl well, pull up on everything, cruise the furniture and our legs and can easily get from laying down to sitting. You are working hard on getting to standing, and I am guessing you will be walking long before your first birthday. You love to crawl to your toy bin and pull out all of your toys, and you think peek-a-boo and the itsy bitsy spider are great entertainment. You are a sneaky devil, always going for my laptop or cell phone, and you can pull everything off the couch in a few seconds flat. You love your siblings and light up when your brother or sisters enter the room, reaching for them to take you to play.

We love you Teagie Jayne!

A new day dawns

Had an early start to the day today, Teagan decided to get up at 6 am, but she was so happy and smiley, that I had no choice but to get up with her and play. We came downstairs and made some waffles since the kids love to have a homemade breakfast before school and it is not often that I have the time.

Got the girlies off to school, switched laundry and a few other tasks and then Teagan and I dozed on the couch for a half hour while Grayson played. The rest of the morning was lovely, laundry was switched, dishes done, lots of playing and I got all of my work work done for the day! After lunch, Gray went off to play, the baby went up for a nap and I got a few more housekeeping tasks done before settling in to relax for a bit.

All I have left is to make dinner and straighten up, maybe I will make some cheese. Haven has dance, but Ryan will take her, and I am thankful for a quiet and peaceful day at home.

Wisdom....where does it come from?

Yesterday was a busy day, I needed to complete my Comp Exam rewrite and wanted to send it in a few days early to ensure that the faculty mentor they had assigned me had ample time to review it. Around 1 pm, while Ryan and Gray were at Ikea poking about and the baby was napping, I finalized the paper and emailed it over. Needless to say I was stressed, but I had better things to worry about, like the wisdom tooth extraction I had scheduled at 3 pm.

Went to the dentist and had the extraction (no stitches!)and stopped and dropped off the Percocet script on my way home. I ended up spending the better part of the afternoon high on Percocet and with an ice pack strapped to my face, laying in bed watching mindless TV. Then my Blackberry vibrated and I saw the message from my dean.... I PASSED MY COMPREHENSIVE EXAM!

For a doctoral student this is a HUGE accomplishment. I now have ABD (All but Dissertation) status and I am considered a Doctoral Candidate rather than a Doctoral Student. May seem silly, but at this level of education, this is a big deal.

My dean has already requested my area of research and potential committee members, Hopefully in just over a year I will have a pretty little "Dr." in front of my name and I will have accomplished the hardest task I have ever set for myself besides being a good wife and mother.

Please, please care about what is happening

Please read this article.

Understand that this company is growing corn WITH Roundup in it. Understand that same corn is being used in our food. Yes, they are feeding us poison and no one is regulating this, testing this, STOPPING THIS.

Please care. Please think about what is in the corn flakes you just poured your child, in those cookies, in your bread. Please think about what you and your family are eating, aren't you worth healthy POISON FREE foods?

Contact your local congressman/woman and tell them to make this stop....Please.

Secrets

I have never been good at keeping secrets, and people often tell me that how I feel is written all over my face.

I don't usually like secrets, I think they are kind of like lies, usually lies of omission, but sometimes a secret can be good.

Secrets shared between friends and loved ones, secrets rooted in love and joy, these are the good kinds to have. Secrets shared between sisters in the dark, and friends over lunch, and spouses in embraces...these are the true ones and the best little secrets around.

Those sweet pure secrets.....I may have a few :)

Beach Babies

On Tuesday my crew and I went and checked out a local beach. It is not a real beach in that real beaches are on the ocean in our world, but it was only an hour away and a pretty good substitute!

It was a fun day, and I think the kids and I will trek down to the beach once a week or so this summer, as long as it is not too crowded. On our way we stopped at a favorite seafood spot and had a delicious lunch, and then on to the beach. Being that it was April, it was not too crowded, but the freakish 90 degree day made us want to play in the sand.

why must the path always change?

Wow...there are some major changes underway here in our home...all are good, but you know me, change is tough!

Today I am staying in ALL day. Kids are still on Spring Break and I hope to make some more headway on my comps. I edited last night, fixed any issues with references and mapped out what I need to change and add. Today I will work on the first section, as it seems to be the most manageable, and I am hopeful that it will get done.

Also on the plan for today is cleaning up the house, packing up the baby gear no longer in use and of course...laundry!

Truckin through the muck

I have been a quiet blogger, mostly because I am very overwhelmed and stressed and don't want to share it with the world.

I hate feeling overwhelmed, it makes me an unhappy person, then I am not the best wife and mother, and I can't do much of anything right. Right now I am buried. The weight on my shoulders is 100 times what I feel I can bear, but it still sits there firmly.

I know that by April 15th, the rewrite of my comps will be done, and I really hope I pass. By early May, PT school will be off for summer, and my nights are mine again. I see the light, I see that it is going to be easier, and that if I pass comps and move on to my dissertation, that this is the last big hurdle I am facing. I know, even though the last few weeks it has been hard to see, that this is worth it. It is worth the long days and nights. It is worth missing out on fun. It is worth being crabby and stressed, because if all goes well, I will have my doctorate by at age 36. It is worth it because that will allow me to continue to work a schedule that is good for my family. It is worth it because throughout it all, I am here for my family, and although I am stressed beyond belief, it is better to be stressed and here, then not. It is worth it because in three short years, Ryan and I will be able to move to where we want and do what we want. That alone is worth it.

But now...in the thick of it all, it is so hard to see the light. Sometimes I think I see it peeking through, but then it is just a mirage. This journey, this path I chose, is so difficult I cannot even express it to anyone who has not been through it. It is so lonely and so frightening. It takes so much of your time, effort and energy, that you don't feel there is enough to give to your family and friends, and when you give what you have, there is nothing left to take care of yourself. I want to see the light get brighter, I need to, so I will keep on truckin' through the muck in the direction I think I need to go, and hopefully I will come out the other side.

The Process

I have thought long and hard whether I want to write this, whether it is something I want forever documented, and I decided that should everything work out, I will want to be reminded of the process.

I took my comp exams a few weeks ago. These exams decide whether I get to move on to my dissertation, earn ABD status and change my status to that of a doctoral candidate...so pretty big deal.

I got the results yesterday. I did not pass. I did not fail. I was given rewrite status. This is very common, according to my father, but still, it has crushed me. I have awesome grades, and have always done well on papers, so the comments and feedback were really hard to read. I have two weeks to adjust my paper and make the changes, it will then be reviewed and I will either pass or fail Pass and all is good with the world, fail and I have one more opportunity to take the exam this summer.

It all looks so cut and dry when written out, but I wish I could express how emotionally trying this process is. It takes so much of my life away, interrupts time with the kids, causes me stress and worries me endlessly. Should I pass the exam, I still have the dissertation process to contend with, and my understanding is that they really try too break your spirit then. This process is painful, tearful and harsh. It is exhausting and debilitating at times. It is, by far, the loneliest process ever, as there is no one in my immediate life who has been through this while working and raising small children. I have wonderful support from friends and family, but they just don't understand the internal beatings you take and give yourself while trying to achieve this goal. I do, however, have an old friend who just completed her doctorate and she has a young family as well. Her feedback and encouragement is immeasurable as she DOES know what this is like and DOES understand how hard this is on a person. I am so thankful to everyone who supports me, but must admit that I wish this entire process was over.

O blog, why do I struggle

I have been trying to post for days, but everything has either been stressful, negative or mundane, and I figure everyone already has enough of that in their lives right?

So, instead I will share with you what we are up to...and what we are dealing with.

House is in chaos as the playroom is packed and getting ready for paint and carpet. I cannot wait until that room is done, organized and the baby has a safe place to play. The master bathroom is ready to be primed and painted. We will also be putting in a new floor in both upstairs bathrooms, but not until June or so. The rest of the house is being scrubbed and cleaned and organized, spring cleaning is the best! The plans for the garden are underway, seeds will be started next week, and Ry has orders to build the raised bed in the front side yard. The kid's playset was falling apart, so we are ordering a new "kit" and Ry will build the new frame. The playset is also moving from the backyard to the cleared area on the side of the house. Gray has big plans for a fort there too, right on the edge of the woods, so I am hoping we can make that happen for his birthday. Lastly, the move of the playset has opened a nice little spot for the pool we got last year and never set up. The kids will be so excited!

Now here is what we are dealing with. First we need to address the drainage issue out back so we don't flood. Second, I am super stressed about comp results, they are not in yet. Third, my parents come this weekend and did I mention we are in major renovations? Fourth, my oldest kid is bringing home crap grades, has a crap attitude and basically is lazy and sloppy. Not sure how much MORE strict we can be, but if she brings home one more bad paper, she is out of activities and she will be in big ole trouble with me. We also began the no TV on school days rule this week, and I am hoping that will allow me more time to get her to sit down and do what she needs to do. She is so smart, but she needs to pay attention to what she is doing! She is failing spelling tests because she refuses to practice the words...so now she will be writing them 5 times and spelling them orally 5 times a day for me as a way to ensure she knows them. Parenting is hard.

Oh...and I had a really bizarre dream last night with Gordon Ramsey in it...really bizarre.

My kid is weird

and I have the video proof...

I am a DELICATE FLOWER

I joke with my husband regularly, usually when he is tickling me or trying to rough house with me and I yell at him "I am a DELICATE FLOWER" of if I really want to get my point across, "I am a DAMN DELICATE FLOWER" It usually makes him laugh, because most people would not think of me as delicate in the slightest, plus I think he thinks it is funny that I scream this with my hands on my hips ala Eloise. Physically, I am well...sturdy, I bear children well :) I juggle a lot, handle a lot of stress and manage work and kids fairly well. I would guess that anyone who met me once or a hundred times would not use the word "delicate" to describe me. But see, I am delicate. I am driven by emotion, everything I do is based on emotion, and that leaves me open and raw. I get my feelings hurt easily, I get taken advantage of and I believe that people will choose to do the right thing, not the easy thing. I care, a lot, about the people in my life, and when things go awry, that delicate flower gets hurt.

Is it my fault? Probably. I should have a thicker skin, I should demand better for myself. I should be harder on others and less accommodating, but then I wouldn't be me. I am happy with who I am . I am happy with assuming the good in people and trusting and being willing to do for everyone else before myself, that is who I am, and I am ok with it. Just remember that those "got it together" women may be delicate on the inside, and remember that they have feelings too.

Can I run for the hills now?

It has been a shit week, sorry, no other way to say it. I have dealt with misbehaving kids, misbehaving students, exhaustion, garbage at work, stress at home and numerous other stressful moments. I want the week to be over, and my husband be home, but with his new schedule, that won't happen until Sunday. On the bright side, we are taking all four kids for pictures and dinner out on Sunday, no way that will be a problem right?

To change subjects, I need to get a plan for the garden going. We have talked out the plan, but we don't have the seeds to start. I am thinking of taking the whole crew out tomorrow to pick up the seeds we need...yeah, Lowes on a Saturday morning...again, no stress right?

Anyway, I need to get off the computer and go to bed, it has been a trying day and I fear it will get worse before it gets better.

What to do with all this free time!

Wow, after the craziness of traveling and my exams, my regular life seems somewhat calm! I have had a great week, Monday and Tuesday we started the great reorganization of the house. The Living Room got scrubbed top to bottom, the foyer was reorganized and I refinished the floors...I also put the rug from the Family Room in there. We also moved a rug we have had forever and that used to be in the Living Room into the Family Room and it has really brought everything together. Ryan also prepped our bathroom to be painted, patching the walls, and I will prime it this weekend.

We are also packing up all of the toys in the playroom to get ready to paint and lay new carpet. The outside will be next in line, the garden needs to be tilled and the new drainage system installed. I love Spring!

Posters and their judgments

It amazes me the people that stumble upon each other online. In fact, I have made quite a few friends online that I hold near and dear....and then there are the other people.

The world is full of opposing views, that is what makes it so great, but the key is, we need to respect each others views. I am willing to chat with anyone about anything, so long as you are educated on the topic and willing to at least consider my side as well. Mutual respect is important, and who knows, you may learn something!

Finally, please, please, please...get the facts right!

A very full life

This has been an interesting week, one where all of my duties pulled me in every direction possible.

My comp exams are due tomorrow at midnight. I am in editing stage now, and think I did a good job, however you really never know until you find out if you passed or failed. It will be a long two week wait around here, but I really did my best and think I am ready to move forward with my dissertation....now I just need the professors grading my exam to think so too!

The kids and I played hooky Friday, and it was a much needed break! We went into DC with the Fallons and enjoyed the spring day. Aside from some issues with listening from Grayson, which seems to be a new thing we have going on, the day was really fun and exhausting all rolled into one! I promised the kiddos that we will go into DC again during their spring break, and they were very happy to hear that.

Today we had to get up and at 'em early because Brittan (7) had her first race! She was running in a one mile kids race and she did great. I have been "encouraging" her to try these races since she likes to run and is pretty good at it. Plus, if you know my Britty, you know that she is quiet little thing and is not into team sports. Running for her seems to be a good fit, and she had fun today and said she wants to do it again!

Thankfully the beautiful spring weather is helping me hold onto my sanity as the end of a frantic week approaches. I am looking forward to next week, since it has been two weeks since I had my "normal" schedule, and my messy house proves it :)

Shedding tears and the rules

Oh my it has been a hard week. My comp exams are kicking my rear, BUT I am more than 2/3 of the way through and by tonight I should only have three or four pages left to write tomorrow. The exam is due Sunday at midnight, so finishing up tomorrow will give me plenty of time to edit and make sure my APA style is perfect.

The kicker is...I only need to get a 3 out of 5 average on the rubric they designed. That is only a 60%! I have not gotten a 60% on anything since, well, my days at Clemson! My problem is I am trying to make it perfect. Make the APA perfect. The content perfect. Everyone keeps saying to stop stressing, I write well, etc, but for me, I cannot do it unless I strive for perfection. Then the flip side of the fear is, what if I strive for perfect and I don't pass? Then what do I do?

Did I mention that since I came home from my trip, my baby is a giant pain in the rear when it comes to sleep. She naps great in her pack and play and we never set up her crib since we were doing so well....but that is rapidly changing! Now all night long, if she is in bed with me, she is pinching me, flailing and trying to nurse....not good. If I move her away or in her bassinet, she WAILS for HOURS. Last night I was on the phone with Ry at 3 am just balling because I was so so tired and she was just screaming! Finally she went to sleep and slept great in the bassinet, but seriously it was a trial and I am so tired today while trying to write the exam.
Needless to say, Ry is off Monday and the crib is going up in her room...I am over the all night pinch battles.

Of course while in the midst of comps, and with a load of work, the only logical thing to do is to let the kids play hooky tomorrow and take them downtown to the museum. Yep, the weather is going to be warm and sunny and a good friend was talking about doing the same thing, so I decided we needed a mental health day. All four kids and I will be heading into DC to a museum and to ride the carousel and to enjoy the beautiful day. Those last three or four pages will just need to wait until I get home from having fun with my kids.

Off to write more using big ole fancy words :)

And now for a commercial break....

I am taking a break from writing my comp exam to eat lunch and blog. So far the exam is going well, I am at just shy of 4 pages and I have barely gotten going...should be interesting how long it is when it is all said and done!

I keep telling my husband that I want a cake from Duff when I am done with my dissertation. I want me, in my cap and gown and hood, climbing a mountain with my hand on my diploma and all four kids hanging off of the graduation gown. Today I amended that idea and told him that the diploma should be in a bowl of guacamole with a coffee on the side. That is the food of the end stage of this process....lots of homemade guacamole and loads and loads of coffee.

So if you ever see them making a cake with a crazy lady climbing a mountain towards her guacamole covered diploma on Ace of Cakes, you will know I finally made it to the end!

Me in a nutshell

My bloggy friend Casey posted this test, and I think my results were pretty accurate....interestingly enough, she and I had the same results!

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...

6 - the Questioner

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX (aka "The Loyalist").

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be direct and clear.

• Listen to me carefully.

• Don't judge me for my anxiety.

• Work things through with me.

• Reassure me that everything is OK between us.

• Laugh and make jokes with me.

• Gently push me toward new experiences.

• Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a SIX

• being committed and faithful to family and friends

• being responsible and hardworking

• being compassionate toward others

• having intellect and wit

• being a nonconformist

• confronting danger bravely

• being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a SIX

• the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

• procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself

• fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

• exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

• wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

• being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

SIXes as Children Often

• are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn

• are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

• form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

• look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel

• are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

SIXes as Parents

• are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

• are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

• worry more than most that their children will get hurt

• sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele, The Enneagram Made Easy. Discover the 9 Types of People.

Harper: San Francisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test? so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!!

(copypaste the HTML-code from below to your profile or blog!)

please, leave a comment HERE

you wanna know MORE? so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type... ...even more you'll find in Google

_____________________

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose CY. Use the BACK-button on your browser see the other options!

Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test at OkCupid

Food Inc

Please, if you eat food, watch this movie. It is not one of those "shock" videos and while disturbing, it is done more on an intellectual level. Some of what they discuss we, as a family, already knew and spurred the change in our food acquisition, but so much we did not.

I am not perfect and will never be able to be self sufficient with no reliance on big business and the food it produces, but there are some key changes that we all can make to get cleaner food. As consumers, we need to make it known that what is going on is NOT okay with us, and only then, when we change how we buy, will the industry change.

We already get our beef direct from the farm. We get meat from ONE cow. They are grass fed, roam free in the fields and are antibiotic and hormone free. I know where my meat comes from, and should there ever be an issue, the farmer knows which cow my family has. Not to mention, the meat tastes better and is healthier!

We get our milk from a dairy in PA just over the border The milk is non-homogenized and only lightly pasteurized. It comes from grass fed cows with no antibiotics or hormones. I would prefer raw milk, but with kids with some autoimmune issues, we err on the side of caution.

We try to grow our veggies and if we cannot, we get them from local organic farmers whose faces we know. This cuts back on the carbon footprint, and helps us to get healthy, organic, non-modified foods. Again, not perfect, but we are getting there.

Next in line for us...pork. We have found a local farmer whose pigs are free ranged in the forest. They let the pigs roam, about 1-2 per acre, free over their 26 acre farm. The only fences are the ones around the entire farm, and the one around the farmhouse to keep the pigs out of the garden. They do not clip teeth, nails or ears and there are no antibiotics or hormones. We will split a whole butchered hog with another family, and while not cheap, we will pay about $4 a pound for 75 pounds of meat. I am comfortable with that.

Eggs come from the farm where the chickens roam free, and they taste fantastic and have deep yellow almost orange yolks, not those pale things from the grocery store. Chicken remains our most difficult purchase. Free ranged poultry is so expensive, around 18 dollars per chicken, and we do not have the land to raise and butcher our own. I am looking to locate a local farmer who we can purchase whole chickens in bulk from and split with another family. I am hoping to be able to get whole chickens, about 40 per family, and that we could get a discount on the purchase.

Cook at home, cook from scratch, you can control so much more if you start with the ingredients.

Please, learn about where your food comes from. Learn about WHY government is not doing their job to protect you. Support local farms and farmers, help keep them farming so they do not need to work with the big corporate giants and they can supply clean food to the public. Eat local push back on big business, consumers have the power to change things!!!

Definitions

I often wonder how people define themselves. We all have many roles we play, but which of these truly define us, and identify who we believe we are.

I am always a wife and mother first, before being a woman or employee or even a person. I wonder if this is the root of my problems with feeling taken advantage of? Ryan always tells me to take time for myself, to just do what I want or need, but I really have no clue how to make that happen without relying on someone else to stand in the wife/mother role.

I love my life, my world, my roles. Even on my worst day, when patience is thin and I am stretched to the limit, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else. I would, however, like to be able to define myself differently some days, so that I could look out for me and make sure that my needs are met, just like I make sure my families needs are met.

Mothers take on too much it seems. Those that stay home completely embed themselves in their kid's or husband's lives, working on committees and PTO's and being their for their family's needs constantly. Those who work outside the home focus on work when there, but always with their family on their mind, and when home, they cram all of the mom duties in to a short time, again taking no time for themselves. Then there are the hybrid workers, like myself, where work and home are constantly overlapping and there is no beginning or end to either, which means there is also no chance for "mom time." Being a mom is a hard job, the hardest I have ever done, and I hope that I am doing a good job and that all the sacrifices are worth it and my kids grow into good, strong and productive adults.

Target giveaway

Go visit my friend Jen (who I know from HS) and enter to win a $50 Target giftcard. Then spend some time reading her blog about her homeschooling adventures in Upstate NY. She is one cool mama :)

Updates galore

Wow it has been a crazy few weeks!

Here are a few highlights.

1. Went to Pittsburgh, came home from Pittsburgh, survived and had a little fun.
2. Hubby's family is still a huge mess.
3. Baby cut her second tooth and has begun napping which is saving my sanity.
4. Work is busy, but manageable.
5. We got our half a cow and now the freezer is pretty full, just need to stock up on chicken and pig next, then the summer bounty of veggies.
6. My comprehensive exams for my doctorate are next week and I am strangely calm.
7. It is gloomy and rainy and I want the sun and the windows open.
8. We have many summer trips planned and I am so excited. Beginning the week after the kids are out of school, we will be traveling every two to three weeks all summer.

Off to feed a sweet baby.

Well hello down there!

I made it to Pittsburgh for my big meeting. Ride was nice, and along the way I saw two really encouraging things, a BP solar farm and and a wind farm, not to shabby for a 4 1/2 hr drive!

So the ride went well, getting to the hotel did not. Seems there is construction and my handy dandy GPS Lola was not aware and couldn't find any way to get me in except to take the ONE turn I couldn't. It was a little frustrating to be within site of the hotel multiple times and not be able to get there, but I did finally make it, and got settled. Last night I met with a bunch of coworkers at dinner and we had a lot of fun, I then went for a drink(!) with an old coworker who now runs another department. It was such a nice break from my day to day, but I miss the kids and Ry like crazy.

I thought I would sleep well last night, but alas without little toes digging in my side, i can't sleep. I have been up since about 4:30, and have a load of meetings today, but I am hoping that will mean I will sleep well tonight.

I am hoping to get some video of my room later, it is very very fancy schmancy and I am way up on the 20th floor so I have a great view.

And away we go.....

Tomorrow is the start of two weeks of craziness...I know, and you all thought it was crazy here to begin with!

I leave to go on a business trip tomorrow and won't be home until Thursday around dinnertime. This is a long time for the Mama to be gone, especially since my kids have had me working from home for nearly five years. I am both dreading and looking forward to the trip. I am excited to sleep alone, in a dark bedroom. I am also excited to meet my coworkers and get to know them. I am dreading the long drive each way, and being away from the kiddos. They may make me crazy, but I really love seeing their little faces beaming at me at the crack of dawn, all day long, at bedtime and a few times through the night :)

After returning from the trip, I have to take my doctoral comps (insert Doom and Gloom music here) I am nervous, but also think I am prepared, so I am hoping all goes well. These are a huge deal in a doctoral program as they determine if...yes IF...you get to move on to your dissertation. I plan to try to bang most on them out on Monday and Tuesday when Ry is off, and then just edit and proof and adjust the rest of the week. Ah the best laid plans.

Off to pack some more, work, write lectures....leisurely night before the big trip!

Important Observations

My general calmness and happiness is directly related to the length of the baby's naps and the ability for the big kids to play outside.

This afternoon I am the calmest I have been in days and I believe it is because my baby took a HUGE nap this morning and is napping again now:) My big kids are all playing outside, which is something we all have missed. They are all occupied and I can think!

I have also noticed that my baby has the must luscious and perfectly chubby thighs and toes and I cannot wait for the warm weather so she can wear dresses and no tights and share with the world.

Sometimes the present is so daunting, you have to keep looking towards the light

I know I have been whiny and complain-y here lately, but you must understand that I have two big things on the horizon, my work trip followed by comp exams. I am sure that by Sunday March 21st at midnight when I submit my exam I will be calmer.

Right now life is hard. The baby has a cold and just wants to be held, but I can't hold her all day or I can't work. If I try to hold her and work, she tries to type on my computer...not good. The schedule that Ryan works means that he is never here when all the kids are here, and that is making me tired since I need a day of help.

The bright side of all this is that PT school is over the first week of May, and my last last LAST class in my doctoral program is done the end of April. I have residency in June, but it is local, so easy.

Summer is better for me. I only have one job, but I have lots of kids! I can usually plan our week to balance out days and home days to give me time to work. The longer days make me feel more productive and calmer. I will not be taking any classes, but I will be writing my dissertation, but only in Ry's days off I decided.

Next year should be smoother. Gray is in school full day along with the big girls. Teagan will be the only one home and will be over a year old, so she will be able to be distracted from time to time to allow me to work. I have been working HARD on making her nap and it is getting better, she has been sleeping over two hours in the pack and play in the living room in the morning, and soon we will work on forcing the afternoon nap. She really needs the sleep since she tries to go to bed at 6 every night and then wants to wake at 6! I need to get her on an 8 pm bedtime, so an afternoon nap is important.

The biggest "light" is that sometime in the next few years, I will be done with school, and I will be able to step down to just one job. The thought of having to work only one job is both exciting and daunting, but I look forward to slowing things down soon.

So for now I choose to try to look past the chaos towards the light.

Calmer Day

OK, I am over my meltdown and no one filed for divorce :)

Sometimes it can be hard for me to juggle everything, and when that happens, it becomes clear how unbalanced everything is. A lot of that is my fault, as I was the one who kept taking things on, but still it can be tough some days.

The hubby and I are fine, he realizes that the meltdowns need to happen sometimes, and I am staring down two major stressors, my upcoming trip and my comp exams.

A plan has been made, and once I get "grownup" shoes for the trip (ie no Uggs or flip flops) I will be ready to go. *sigh*

Taken advantage of

I have had it and I am wishing I could go on strike so my family could see what I really do around here.

I am feeling very unappreciated, especially since I handle ALL the kids stuff (doctors, appts, projects, etc), work at my FT job, my PT job and I am writing courses which is another FT job! Oh did I mention that I am trying to finish my doctorate?

I am overwhelmed with work, then add to it that get little to no assistance at home.

The baby never sleeps...ever. She barely naps, maybe 20 minutes or so, and if that happens I spend all that time running around switching laundry, cleaning up, doing dishes etc. She also doesn't sleep well at night, which means I don't sleep at night. I never expected to sleep through the night being that my other kids still get up, but would like to sleep more than 2 hours consecutively. In addition, it would be ever so nice not to have to listen to the husband bitch he is tired when he is not up at night with anyone, EVER.

I am sick of cleaning up after everyone. If I didn't work, then fine, I would understand taking that on, but I DO work, A LOT, and I make the most money, why is it that I do all the cleaning too?

I have my comp exams in two weeks for my doctorate. This is a big deal, actually a HUGE deal, and my husband basically blew me off when i was stressing about how I would fit the exams in with everything else I do.

All I want is a day off, a real day off from work like everyone else in the world gets. I work seven days a week, and possibly get two days off per year, that is insane and torture. All I want is to be respected, loved, supported and helped, and right now, none of those are happening.

OK, done bitching, I have more work to do :(