Feeling powerless.

The last few nights have brought me a lot of anxiety...more than normal. I am not sure why, but the overwhelming sense of fear and dread is too much to take at times. I know the roots of it all, the first being the ultrasound on Friday. I am worried that something is wrong with the baby, and until I know for sure, I will be scared.

The other concern is that both cars need inspections...and that often means they need repairs. I need to get them done this week so I know the affect on our bank account. While we can pay for some repairs, it would dig into my little savings account that I want so to hold on to.

That brings me to money. We have pretty secure jobs, but with all of the economy talk, and rising costs, we are having a tough time some months. We have talked to our mortgage company to see if they can lower our rate, I won't share the exact rate but it would make you pass out. If they can help, that will take the pressure off, if not, well then we trudge ahead.

In addition to all of this, we need to get the plants going for spring. Even though the ground is covered in snow, planting is a mere six to eight weeks away. Seeds are in, and I just need to secure the onion and garlic plants. I also need to stock the pantry before summer, as I like to conserve our money during the summer months. A stocked pantry, a full garden and the CSA keep us very well fed during the summer months and create an ability to stock the pantry for winter.

The baby is coming and I need to prepare. I have a crib, dresser, sling and swing. I need a new car seat and stroller, and will ask for that for my birthday. I need a new bouncer and will get one in the next week. The first group of diapers are ordered and I need to get a bunch more so we are stocked up. In addition I will need to go through the clothes once I know the baby's gender to see what we have and what we need. Thankfully my sewing machine will arrive this week and I will go and get some cheap fleece to make doublers and wipes. I am also going to be brave and try to figure out how to sew some simple pants and if a girl, jumpers.

The last stress is my mother in law. She is supposed to move in the end of the month, but we don't know. I need to know the plan, and while there are a lot of negatives and fears associated with her being here, there are also a few positives including extra help and possibly a small donation toward the homestead each month. So that is it in a nutshell.....the reality of our life. While we are doing better than many, it still is hard to be at this point in our lives, raising small children and working towards stability, and to live in a nation which is struggling. Until it gets better, we will just keep paddling.